"TRUE AT FIRST LIGHT"

Funny thing happened today.

2009-01-15T00:53:00.002-06:00

Rank comes out in exactly one week. 1st semester down. and this girl is #1 baby!

IHOP

2008-12-01T10:13:00.001-06:00

too much chaos... in conjunction with too much minimum wage.

A homeless man bought me a cup of coffee...

2008-11-28T13:13:00.002-06:00

I start with this because it is weird. Seems counter intuitive. To qualify, he used a stamp card that was worth a free cup of coffee... but whatever. still weird.

Day after Thanksgiving, Black Friday as it were. This girl was still awake from last night... I had every intention of going to Pep Boys to get my color TomTom for $70 at 5 am. Then I thought to check Best Buy. It is right around the corner from my house. 5 am was doable. Luckily i thought to check the website. Bought that bad boy of a better GPS online. It will take a little while to get here... but at least I didn't get mowed over by the crazy women.

I had a point. I lost it. Free coffee = good.

1st Fat finger, next fat arm... now... fat FACE.

2008-11-02T15:52:00.002-06:00

i am now allergic to a certain bug bite. which bug? who knows.

what happens? my face swells up like hitch.

it's not funny.

except that at first i thought it was sinus, maybe allergies. got some benedryl and slept for eight hours. went to moms... she made me a sock compress with rice in it (apparently you microwave this and it holds heat better).

it helped not at all. woke up at 2 this morning took all kinds of sinus medicine and allergy meds. woke up this morning swelling moved from right eye to whole right side of face, across chin... disgusting.

i am quasi modo over here.

went back to pharmacy who urged me to after hours clinic. which was expensive (and I have health insurance!). got steroid shot, it is going down.

not making it to study group tonight. so my study partner (who drives in from N.O. everyday for class and 1 day during weekend to study w/me) decides not to go either. It is terribly sweet.

Everyone has a group to bounce stuff off of, but you each have your 1 person whom you are most honest and most attached too. Mine is Roo. or roo roo. because his fraternity thinks it is cool to bark at people. The 1st time he did this, we were studying under a tree in front of the law center. a girl with posters of her sorority passed by and he ACTUALLY BARKED. I was mortified!

He explains this is what they do. and some women (including this girl) respond well to it. He actually got a phone number for this. it was so bizarre.

So he offers his assistance, asks if i need anything, and will not come into town b/c i do not want to go into public. tomorrow i am working from home. i will make it to class in a michael jackson scarf, so help me.

How about that presidential debate?

2008-10-15T21:41:00.001-05:00

c'mon it's funny.

don't watch grey's anatomy while drinking wine.

2008-10-11T22:10:00.001-05:00

what if the dream killer was my person. what if, i have no person. what if i have lived my life in such a way that i am going to be alone.

so says the wine.

Il dificil no c'est impossible.

2008-10-11T10:59:00.004-05:00

Remember that day that I thought i might be semi intelligent? that i loved what i did professionally and wanted nothing else but law school academically. asked my company to pay for it and thought i could do both. and well.

Everything works in theory.

The reality is that i sleep an average of 4 hours a night. read every free second of my day. record lectures and hide earbuds in my ears in pointless meetings to get so much information into my head. Crim law professor who I am chasing down to tell me what is wrong with my writing FOR HIM is committed to the idea of subtly letting me know that he is the holy grail and i am a nothing.

In fact, he calls me Rep. As in class rep. As in, he has decided that he will not speak to the 65 people in my class... he will speak to me. and i will disseminate to my class. this is the privileged position? no. though he calls everyone else "you".

best part? he knows all of our names.

He says "write my hypos... come to my office... let's talk. if you can't write these things in your sleep the way i want, you will not pass". like every other class in law school, your grade is what you make on the final. yay.

so i leave work at 4 everyday... get to school 430/445. class is at 6. Monday i got the distinct pleasure of sitting outside of his office until 6. on the off chance he would see me. nope.

repeat tuesday. wednesday, same thing. Thursday, same thing.

nice.

because i don't have 4 other classes. and a full time job.

Took a week off of this particular humiliation... this past monday, came back to it. Happened to catch in an elevator. this man is going to talk to me. i will follow you. i will sing outside of your office. YOU WILL TALK TO ME! because this has to work and not doing well is not an option. and my rockstar might have been kicking in.

So he does see me. takes my paper and does not want to talk about it. He wants to talk about Time magazine. where he has written. how important writing is. I am a nerd. I took notes on this. (what?! he FINALLY saw me!) for forty minutes. what took 2 minutes... was him telling me to take out 1 sentence and move some things around. Everything he wants is there... but if i gave it to him like that it would be a C.

nice. i chose this. this seemed like a good idea to me.

Back to the title line. The difficult is not the impossible.

True to form

2008-09-05T19:02:00.003-05:00

Mom got power back today. My house? still nothing. Cat is not amused. With the start of law school and Hurricane Gustav, there has been much stress, drama and argh situations.

and true to form... here he comes.

Dream Killer.

Who offers you (or me) everything you need to make it all better. Wow that makes him sound like a drug dealer... I assure you he is not.

I saw him at school as I was about to walk into Legal Research. I made it through my 1st week. I think I might be functionally retarded. That is about how great it was.

Dream Killer floats by to inquire about my start... like we are buddy pals. like you did not take every shot you had left to take. Like you did not seek to make me feel like I could never do anything in life.

I digress.

I scurry away in true awkward fashion. He left a note on my car. (little stalker-ish. I'm just saying. it is) blah blah he was crazy about me... blah blah he acted like a jerk because he does not think... blah blah.

then he leave message (because he is still blocked on my cell... email... and does not have the number to the blackberry) he has books, notes, outlines and supplements that i can have. all right here. just take it. it will make it all better.

I got spooked. I took it. stupid. stupid.... but it is helping...

on to Hurricane. We had trees uprooted, roof damage, no power for a week... thinking it could be weeks until we get it back... here he is: "I know you didn't remember to get cash, I pulled out $50 for you... just to hold you for a min... and i got feet (Doritos Cool Ranch) and skittles for you because i know how much you like them"

fast forward. His awesome amazing dad who wrote one of my letters of rec has cancer. It has been in and out of remission for years. He is in chemo again. He does not look good. In fact he is going to die.

Dream Killer suggests I go by the house. The company I work for has tankers of gas especially for us. I offer this humble gesture to the dad. Because he is a humble greatness. because when he is gone the world will feel a loss. Because he is the reason I do not have a DWI, because because because.

Today he struggles against himself and takes me up on it. Before I get there, power is restored. Dream Killer calls to tell me to still come over... for pizza with the fam.

No.

this is the line.

Every time that the world rages and storms that is his in. That is how he makes temporary amends so we can make it through this situation... and just when you think everything is ok.... BAM! $hit storm! and he is quick to tell me that his family is not mine. and I can just forget that letter from his dad. and my mother never loved me and i have no worth in this world.

no more.

My gesture was small to be sure. but it was for the dad. and not for the killer of my dreams. True to form he followed his M.O.

Contra-mine I am not going back. We are not OK and I will not do this to myself ever again.

Bib #318! This girl is a RocketChick!

2008-07-26T17:36:00.005-05:00

My legs were on fire. The 12 miles bike was longer than it should have been... my swim was sloppy and I had to walk (or wobble) the 1st almost mile of the run. i can't wait to do it again.

at the end of the day... I finished 16th in my division... and i beat a hell of a lot of other people, I have to be happy about that. I am an athlete. I am a Tri-Athlete. i am a Rocket chick.

I need water.

"I Can't Believe I Just Did That!"

2008-07-21T07:22:00.003-05:00

I can't believe I just read that.

The title is a book that occupied me on the 16 hours in a car to Atlanta, then Athens, then back to Atlanta and finally home.

Btw... Kias are god awful! I hate those things. They make as much sense to me as Saturn cars. Why? for what reason. Also I fully recognize that I am an evil capitalist that believes in the roomy goodness of an SUV.

Back to book and will have to finish post later.

I can see the value in the 1st portion of this as it relates to Career Development for the yuppies. It lends itself to the awesome premise of a presentation I am giving next month in Mass. (and they are flying me up for 1 day to talk for 45 min... I am floored. and biding my time till i rub it in Bambi's face)

My issue comes in that you have to take this and all "self-help" books with a grain of salt. Why? because the author's bias is all over it. He was a woose as a kid and you can tell. He is probably a homo-sexual. i say this not negatively but as a matter of fact... and through his writing you can tell.

The value in this book? deconstructing the power struggle. it is interesting. more later.

I post partially to force myself to update.

UPDATE: i lost my train of thought. i also lost my credit card apparently. Had lunch on Thursday w/JB. Waitress gave me someone else's card. I had no idea. Spent the weekend in ATL... used it all over the place... suddenly it was declined at a gas station... called today b/c for the life of me I could not figure out what was wrong... now all of the charges will be taken care of by VISA. Don't know what to make of all that.

fat finger the sequel: fat arm... the explanation

2008-07-20T21:18:00.003-05:00

Circa April... was the HUGE company picnic. Mom came to get sick on cotton candy, popcorn and coke... grams came so i could beat her at basketball... (the pic they sent me of her is precious. for privacy reasons I am not posting. email me... I'll show you how cute she is)...

and i got put on a volley ball team for the tournament. because from weight training and swimming... i have the girl equivalent to guns. (these are so going away! people notice and i am getting self conscious. the definition is not bad... but I'm getting hit on by lesbians... it's kind of scary) thus i look like an athlete. SURELY i know what to do with a volley.

Thing is, i do not.

I have not touched a volley ball since like 6th grade. I did ballet. I did dance team. I didn't have to DO P.E. with the ruffians. ick.

so i got put on a team that has to play against the COO and his kids. Oh there is some good news there. Get ready for the good ol' college try. the boys on my team were SERIOUS about this. I'm not sure why i was there. The ball would come at me an in true girl form... i ran in the opposite direction in my pink shorts while the boys tried to kill the ball. it was madness...

until i tried to hit the ball. and the last 3 fingers on my right hand began to swell. it was so painful. now my pinkie is still deformed. You think i am kidding... i am not.

Mom's sage medical advice? "Honey stick your hand in a cup of ice... and don't be such a woose" yay mom. at least she made the sad face as she said it and brought me juice :)

hence we begot fat finger... on to the sequel...

2 weeks ago running suicide sprints... on a soccer field... with p-day and the real athletes he trains. football, soccer, track... the BOYS. I was working on my run times and intervals... i can use this.

one of the girls passed out from heat exhaustion... and my heat tried to pretend not to notice... her friends helped her up. the paramedics put her in a tent. the workout proceeded. In a case like that... unless you know the person LEAVE THEM ALONE. i'm sure she was just mortified. I know I would be.

How do I know? Because shortly thereafter, I was. (that's what she said).

Next set of sprints. run, turn at cone, run back, turn at further cone, run back, turn at... ok you get the drill.

except on the turn, i turned awkwardly and felt myself going down... i put my right arm behind me to catch myself... and felt my wrist pop.

I don't know what it says about me that i was MORTIFIED and EMBARRASSED because i fell in front of GOD AND EVERYBODY before I realized I was in pain.

I immediately tried to stand up but could not put pressure on my right hand. P-day scooped me up like a 2 year old which only made me hyper ventilate worse. It was so retarded. and I couldn't stop it.

My heat is around me and the boys have the frozen death stare and whisper "please don't cry, please don't cry" and i grit my teeth and say "I DO NOT CRY"

to which P-day is concerned and says "ok, don't cry... please breath because you are scaring me".

for my efforts i had a wrist and arm that were incredibly painful and required ice. i couldn't do anything because i only had one hand and even through ice, celebrex and lots of ibuprofen my hand screamed at the slightest movement.

obviously it is a lot better now. hence i am typing. it is funnier now.. but the whole thing has knocked me back weeks of training.

did i mention my 1st tri is this Saturday (yeah, THERE is some good news) and the whole damn thing has cost me so much money, i have to do it at this point.

i'm not ready, and i hate the way i look. that is vain. or maybe it just looks that way.

worst part? roommate bought me a mountain bike and put his $700 road bike at my disposal. i should probably get familiar with the damn thing, since i'm gonna do 12 miles on it.

rat bastard.

Fat Finger the Sequel: Fat Arm!

2008-07-13T20:43:00.002-05:00

before we get to the title line... am watching Mamma Mia!

Very good. better than I thought it would be.

overarching impression: Meryl Streep is OOOOOOLLLLLLLDDDDDDD!!!!!

Pura Vida

2008-07-12T18:06:00.004-05:00

Subject: Call from Austin

Times I let it go to V-mail: 3 times in 2 weeks

why I picked up today? He sent me a text... I was curious.

why he called: he is flying back to Costa Rica which is where he lives. and will be moving to Australia.

He wants to give me a perspective of disenchanted young people everywhere else in the world. He wants to keep in touch. He wants to remain friends. He gives me his email and asks me to visit his myspace full of Costa Rica.

I visit MySpace out of curiosity. he is listed as the title line.

He is in a relationship? his myspace says so. he does not bring this up.

He gets off the phone to board a plane. "come visit me wherever i am. come live in australia whenever you are sick of the rat race". I did the visit when he was in Austin... just like Japan he will seamlessly move into "stay here! stay forever!" and i will want to break my neck running away from him.

We are not friends. we used to be. and then i was stupid enough to listen to his professing of his undying love... and he says stupid things like marriage... and he is a flake. he is not the marrying kind.

I want to drown myself in beer. and kick him. want the beer more though.

I want to not be where i am. suddenly the job i love... the impending promotion... the start of law school... looks like nothing.

why? because he spent a month in Italy just because... so this is jealousy? of his life? of his abandonment of rational reason... and the universe just catches him.

I remember that it and he did not work for me. That i do not want to bring him home to the family, do not want to marry him. did not even want to see him very often... so the issue is not so much him... as it is me.

which i know.

ugh. next time i am just not answering. no matter how many times he calls. I'm too old for this $hit.

Being in the Air Force does not obligate me to take you to a strip club.

2008-07-06T15:57:00.004-05:00

onward.

Thursday was DJ Sabrozo's birthday. He wants to do dinner at P.F. Changs and drinks somewhere else. I say cool. I have to go. I punk out on too many outings for the sake of work, working out or plain-i just don't want to.

but he continues to call and he always has... so i feel like i have to. OMG! that was the most fun I have had in my city in a long time. Dinner was me, him and 20 newbie clubbing girls. that was awkward. Later, all of the other fun people showed up and the party was moved to Sullivans. Usually a better... calmer more sophisticated bar/restaurant... THAT night try cheesy band, lots o cougars and drunken young professionals.

Many many martinis later...

DJ wants to go to the gold club. Argh. At this point we are down to the fantastic 4. Me, Palestine 4-EVA, Nidal and DJ.

nice.

On to the gold club. i take issue to pay to see something i already have. I've gone w/friends... i get that it is a form of entertainment... and for DJ's b-day i will shut up and go.

it was interesting until a stripper put her tongue down my throat. So, i guess the awesome pop culture reference would be "I kissed a girl and I didn't like it".

Ever awesomely sarcarastic Nidal hands me a lemon drop and says "Here you go kid. Alcohol kills everything, even chlamydia!"

ok, that was funny.

fast forward to the UFC fight last night at Hooters. interesting enough. Christmas's brother in law's friends is on military leave and about to deploy to Iraq for 6 months. yay him.

he is 21. yay him part 2.

he is very vocal about being in the military/air force... it is all he talks about... and wanting to go to a strip club. he has never been. up to this point... still not my problem.

He goes on and on... most of the guys he is hanging with are grossly underaged and very immature. Still not my problem, the grown people are on my side of the table. Then there were a few. and he is trying to find someone to go with him...

on and on about how this will be the only good memory he has to take with him to Iraq. and it is all very sad. he is young. and stupid young. and not cute enough to make up for the dumb $hit that keeps coming out of his mouth.

he begs me to take him. i don't want to. i say i went already for a friend's birthday...

he says "well my birthday was in April... and none of my friends took me! you could feel better that you were helping me have a good birthday."

my response "apparently you need better friends and you are not my friend... in fact we just met, so i don't exactly care whether or not you had or have a good one ever"

ugh.

he worked on me long enough that i took him. bought him a beer... stayed all of 10 minutes for his friend to meet us... and left them both there.

today christmas texts me that this guy was hoping i would go there with him... love it... take him home and *ahem*. is he serious? has he met him... where would this little guy get an idea that something like that would happen without the aid of rupees slipped into my drink. seriously! what are the teaching these young kids in the military.

The shirt is funny... because it was the shirt that he was wearing. and he wonders why he is not getting laid.

0-L.O.V.E. in 2.5 seconds

2008-06-28T09:57:00.004-05:00

Lots to post... more to come... all in one day because i have been too busy to write.

on to this one.

Yesterday Jenny-Bear had her 1st test of the season. She is taking 4 classes (12 hours) in summer school and has to make straight A's... so she can get back into her senior college and take the 3 classes she needs to graduate.

why? because she opted for marriage and child instead of finishing the d@mn degree when it would have been 2 classes.

Thus, now she is going back. She has suffiently caught 1st day of school envy from the rest of us and wants a degree. I want her to have one as well.

Back to story... yesterday was her 1st essay test. she called that morning... we were supposed to do the girlie... pedicure... maybe wine maybe cheese... maybe...

by the time we both did hair and makeup she made the executive decision of "I NEED A DRINK! Smelly Mexican!"

I countered with my own executive veto "NO SMELLY MEXICAN"

We met at Friendly off campus grill and bar, ate, drank, became merry. She got $hit faced very quickly... how did this happen?

She mentions she promised the husband a margarita hence we had to stop by Smelly Mexican. It becomes the drunken mission. Seek out the Margarita. We get there, find the bar. find the waitress. find the margarita.

Mission accomplished.

and here comes round 2 before we could stick a straw in round 1.

Sometimes (ok usually) it is nice to be the girl.

Some guys from the bar sent us drinks. it is a lovely gesture and i greatly enjoy it. Let's focus on the pivital word here... GESTURE.

Jenny Bear proceeds to get weepy into margarita. WTF?

She goes off "they only sent drinks because of you. they are hitting on you, and i am officially the unattractive friend." no this is not the case. ladies and gentlemen, this is not the case at all. JB is stunning. has always been, will always be. not just because she is my BFF and i am biased.

So she engages them in conversation to prove it. Oh, there is a good idea.

The guy that bought our drinks own a commercial construction firm and lives down the street from the CEO of my Fortune 500 company. He knows the execs from my business line. We talk shop. He sees himself as an over acheiver... I am engaged in conversation so my friend can have her ego stroked.

He goes on and on... and somewhere in there starts to tell me about how much of a big damn deal he is. that he would like to bank roll my dreams ... and the life he could provide for me and all of the potential he sees... he even pulled out his crack-berry to show me the 85ft. pool he just built in his backyard (or maybe he just took a pic of a random pool).

ok. now it is time to go. why? because he admits it may have been the alcohol (gee... you think?) but he has never fallen for a woman so fast and gives me the business card... and begins to profess his undying love.

Yeah. thank you and good night.

Next stop... Fox and the Hound with mugs... and Sullivans with the run in of my boy next door.

More to come.

Tourettes' is engaged!

2008-06-28T09:37:00.003-05:00

by definition she will be getting married.

I am officially the last of my best single girlfriends. ugh.

It is the boy in Monroe (northeast LA)... and though i consider my city not big enough to be a real city... Monroe may as well be the sticks. and little rural towns... they are cute... but i'm a city girl. ugh part II.

I should start by clarifying what my role is here.

1. Dress up
2. Show up
3. Shut up

I say this because outside of what I or anyone else thinks of this union... we are not asked to think. If Tourettes has rationalized this in her mind... we all smile and nod. Why? because of her own admission she is settling. He fits what she kind of wants. and her dad likes the guys. and he has stuck with her showing him all of her crazy for 8 months.

Is she happy? If you ask her (which I did) she says "yeah, i guess.... i mean what is happiness anyway. He loves me. I'm getting old."

Oh.

and I close my eyes to the way my heart hurts for her. it is new. no, no it is not. but to let her do this and not crap on her already fragile sense of purpose is what is expected of me. because no matter what i say she will do it anyway... and forever remember that it was me that said. if she is to not do this she has to get there on her own.

in the meantime i am trying to steer her away from ugly bridesmaids dresses. and also... we are not picking a dress based on what would be most flattering for the fat girl!

It is everything you hope it will be.

2008-06-14T14:20:00.003-05:00

I cried. I am a sap. It's been a long time since I've cried in a movie, and this is what brought it out.

It is simply perfect. Not because it mirrors every girls life... but every girl's hope. It is our modern day fairy tale.

Wow that looks terrible. ah, but who cares.

big news but it deserves it's own post. for the mean time i am putting new music on my mp3 player and going to run.

*sigh*

Meet "Southern"

2008-05-26T12:03:00.003-05:00

WTF?!

It is the cat from my dream. except last night as I walked in the door, he walked in with me.

He is cuddley (i don't know if it is a boy or a girl... no i don't know how to tell) and a kitten. and very attached to me. I wake roommate up (at like 1 in the morning) to ask if we can keep him. Apparently i must give him a bath and feed him something 1st.

It is just strange that I dreamed him and he showed up. I think he shall be Southern Comfort. He really is sweet. and very snuggly. I like that. I think I need that.

*sigh*

A funny thing happened on the way to the forum...

2008-05-25T21:08:00.002-05:00

I woke up happy.

and I am as confused as you are reading this.

Have you ever had a dream and woke up wondering what it meant?
Have you ever had a dream and woke up knowing exactly what it meant?

I got that second one, and I don't know what it was... It wasn't overly anything. Very realistic... nothing out of the ordinary, except Dream Killer was in it (we are no longer speaking.It has been 2 months and i am a better person for it)

He had a new girl roommate and a new cat named "Southern" in my dream.

I don't know what exactly equalled "happy". But I woke up feeling very settled. Today life is good.

Other updates... Bama is engaged. Little Bit told me. To a girl that worked with him at the gym here. I am in awe that his way worked. I get that he took in a huge amount and sifted... and it begets marriage? Interesting.

Had a real date with Goggles. Dinner and wine. It was nice. Today a crawfish boil and a bar-b-que. It was ok. I'm just not into him, and I will never be. And now we are looking for the words to tell him so and still have him train me. (or put me in touch with his old swim coach because we need to clean up some bad strokes.)

however i did lose 3 lbs this week (though i probably gained them all right back today)

In other news... I am sticking with my bad law school for a year and trying to transfer before next summer. We'll see how this goes.

I love him!

2008-05-24T14:15:00.000-05:00

I am holding auditions to be in my wedding party!

2008-05-23T14:00:00.002-05:00

why? because i want the thriller dance.
Please proceed to video if you have not already done so.

But K you are not engaged...
I think you are missing the point! Please watch the video again
You are not even seriously dating...
Why must we argue semantics. THRILLER!
Don't you think you are jumping the gun just a smidge? what if your friends are rythmically challenged?
My theory on this is that you really only need one guy that is TOTALLY into it to make this work. Stick him in front and watch the magic happen!

and for my challenged friends... i am confident in my ability to make new ones!

Can one really base a whole wedding around an after party dance?
It would be an Indian wedding anyway, by definition that is at least 1/2 freakshow... and besides..
THRILLER! need I say more?
Where do I sign up?
uh... 1st i need a date I like.

have made it work out #2 w/Goggles. (which is what I am calling him). I get why one needs to change trainers every so often. Apparently my current weakness is lower abs. and Cissy lets me get away with that.

Also... ran at a 6 min pace for 3 minutes. that is growth for me. Countdown to when I tell him this is not dating.

M says I have to tell him. otherwise i might not.

Check 1, 2.

2008-05-17T20:50:00.002-05:00

coupla questions...

1. When did working out become a date?
2. How does one not see people through beer goggles when one has been drinking?
3. How does one politely say "I'm sorry, i met when I was drinking... now that I've seen you today, I realize that I am NOT in fact attracted to you. bye".
4. How come when Mom's locks herself out of somewhere... it is literally a countdown until I do it too...
5. and last but not least.... when was the last time your mom dropped you off for a date.

The answer to #5, for me, is today.

Off we go.

Start with Thursday. Jenny Bear, Tourettes' and I had dinner to plan our vacation and the upcoming of Jen's B-day. It's in New Orleans 2nd week of June... staying Friday through Sunday. It is going to ROCK!

Chicago may come down. (scary.)

Also, Happy Drunk Ken Doll is working on tickets to the Hornets game (yes game 7 against the Spurs)... even if there are not tickets involved, we will be watching it in a bar and randomly partying in the Quarter. That outing is me Bunkles and Christmas.

Futher, Happy Drunk yipped at me over not submitting an app to Loyola yet... "K, if I ask someone to let you in and there is no application... what is the point?!" I feel like he is judging me. Need a new personal statement and that is scary also.

Back to the list.

After Thursday dinner (this was important because there was a bottle of pinot noir involved). DJ Sabrozo calls and wants to do 80's night at some club. I'm down for this, I haven't been to a club in you know how long?!

So I meet him, we go. I had been drinking since 7. It is now 11. This place is packed, and the yuppies dance. Me? I don't like crowds. I'm possibly getting progressively more claustraphobic... I just don't like it. DJ is cool. we find a table and get drinks.

He is determined to break me out of this and before I can finish a drink/go to the bathroom/ or have another drink... we have to make the rounds. Meaning walk around the dance floor or the upstairs part. Like being around people will make me a people friendly person. nope.

But I find what I think is cute. So I start with that. "Hi, you are the best looking guy in here. What is your name?" did you see how I did not ask him how old he was.

We talk about I don't know what. I amuse myself by singing Madonna. quite loudly. The funny part is I made everyone around me sing too.

My arms are getting more definition and I am wearing a sleeveless shirt. He asks if I work out and if I would like to do so with him. I say "can you make me drop 20 lbs" he says yes and I am intrigued.

We try to schedule. Friday not good for him and he is supposed to be in N.O. this weekend. DJ is ready to leave. I say "bye" and he says "wait!!!"

I don't know why I thought it was a good idea to give him my number. Yes, I do. I was drinking and I thought he was cute.

Kudos to him for following up... he asked me to lunch on Friday... which I flaked on to have lunch w/Bunkles (and plot mission impossible to steal his glitter ball). He asks if I want to work out today. I say yes (I can always use a new trainer).

On to today. Amidst running errands... I have successfully locked my keys in the house. All I have is my laptop, the power cord and my cell phone. I am wearing the workout clothes I wore to Yoga. The roommate is 3 hours away fishing in Grande Isle until tomorrow night. F*CK!

Luckily I live 2 subdivisions aways from my mom. It wasn't on purpose, but it is nice. I call, she says "you don't have to explain, c'mon!". I walked for like 30 min. I get there in time to ask her to drop me off at the gym a couple of streets away.

The boy is quiet. Not like overly so... but he talks a hell of lot less than I do. He is calmer also. I look like a spass with a short attention span. He is very focused. and less cute than I previously thought. But it's like the practice for dating, yes? It is me getting the bugs out for sitting next to someone I am more attracted to. Goodness that makes me sound shallow.

I keep the lock out, mom drop off to myself.

The workout was good. He did football and track (of course he did... that seems to be my m.o.) and got a college scholarship out of it. He's good. Today was him guaging me. Apparently... I'm pretty good myself (*translation... for a girl).

He did also mention that he is going to N.O. to see his new baby God-daugter, and put it off a day to see me. and i commence feeling like a sh*t.

When I am done, he is going to get some weights in before he is done, I use this opportune moment to call my mommy to pick me up. luckily she lives right around the corner, and I will never have to explain this to him.

On the way home he texts to invite to me play in a wiffle ball tournament tomorrow. Which sound so fun... but I demurely say I can't with no explanation.

Mom is nervous about me driving the truck with no licence... and I just couldn't imagine being dropped off.

yes i am a dork.

I AM NOT A CYNIC! i am intolerant.

2008-05-13T22:47:00.003-05:00

there is a difference, gosh darnit!

At some point today I decided I would be more productive at a coffee shop. There were too many distractions at work (the stupid people kept talking to me), even locked away I got 11ty billion emails... and then mom locked herself out of the beautiful new truck (and I reminded her why I get the spare set of keys ALL the way to her house to pick up the spares and ALL the way back to her work).

Onward. at said shoppe. yuppie people are following me. I found random yuppie girlie friend to shoot the sh*t with. She is a bit too sugar smacks for my taste. But live and let live.

She goes to the restroom and comes back to tell me all about it.

"OMG! you HAVE to go in there! the air freshener is so yummy! it is like a Vanilla HUG!"

i'm not making this up. she really said that. honestly who puts those words together in a sentence?

anyway, i am sufficiently intrigued because i have the attention span of a puppy. So i must check it out.

K: Honey, that is not a vanilla hug... that is someone who got espresso+vanilla syrup+milk and it did not go well.

G: How can you be so mean?! What do you mean?

K: What you are smelling is someone's sick.

G: still didn't get it

K: look at my drink. Why do i get a vanilla latte w/half soy and half non-fat milk

G: so you don't get sick?

K: right. (intolerant means lactose intolerant) what you are smelling is vomit.

and sadly, girlie had to leave me shortly thereafter.

p.s. She did not keep her coffee and this amuzed me to no end.

Today I met someone...

2008-05-04T08:36:00.002-05:00

not in the way that you think.

I blog it because i think it might be significant.

This has been an amazing week. Let's start with I applied and was accepted the same day to law school. Let's further explain it is to evening school which would allow me to still do what I do and have my company pay for it (as a reimbursement to the max allowable by the IRS). The downside, it is in BR, LA and considered a crap school to the rest of the United States.

and I can hear the Dream killer's response to my ever present "What if I don't get into a good school"... he says "Then you be the best at a bad school".

So here's the thing... i ran the lakes this morning and went to my favorite coffee shop to read a bit. i ran into one of the girls i met on law school campus when I was being given the tour. She is super sweet and telling me all about the program etc. Then there is J.Harris who is the #2 ranked person in his class and starting to clerk for a HUGE firm in LA. both are giving me the realities of life and acceptance to this school. After a grounding conversation they go their respective ways.

Intro MARY. She is the person I met of some significance.

"i didn't want to say anything because your friends were there, but did you know that X is a crap school? why aren't you going to Loyola or Tulane?"

blah blah, i love my job, they will pay for it, opportunity with my company... etc.

"there will be other job. you can get a job anywhere. they will pay for that because tuition is so cheap, you will only be able to stay in LA. do you want to do that? Forgive me for saying so but you would be limiting yourself"

blah blah just applied, just got in, could i still be considered for Loyola. the amazing debt etc etc.

"if you finish from there, or even your 1st year, you can transfer to Tulane... and get a job anywhere. knock that debt out in 5 years. the reputation of the school speaks for itself".

and i know this. she gives me the name of someone in the admissions office to call.

i am going through the mental rolodex... i have a guy who has a grandfather on the Board at Loyola... that might be worth something.

She said a bunch more... but nothing i haven't heard before, nor anything that i did not tell myself. I am afraid of rejection.. but I did promise myself the best possible shot.

So we take the shot and see what happens.

also... so the Vice Chancellor at school X calls to tell me I was accepted... and shows me around campus... and tells me there is a scholarship if I transfer to full day (and quit work). Know why? my humbling LSAT score is the 2nd highest in my incoming class. This does not make me feel good. Especially since I hate that score and tested so much higher.

so realignment of focused energy.

if Loyola is a resounding no we have the crap shoot and will simply have to make that work and beg borrow and steal to transfer.

Because I am done low-balling myself.

and i am a competitive jerk. I can do this and I owe myself the best possible shot.

jesus christ what am i doing?!

Flavor Rock

2008-04-13T13:37:00.007-05:00

Ok so I took a little bit of artistic freedom with image association...

but tell me you don't see it?

It is my new favorite 2 hours of Celebreality. I have to admit, it is a hot mess and thus I am drawn to it. So much so that I have spent a little time analyzing this.

There are many similarities... how come the person that gets voted off is more about the girls' coup than the guy's original thought? I mean really... how come they sort of bum rush, scream and cackle... and that is how the decision is made. I mean really?

so by survival of the fittest you end up with that which is the most catty and manipulative. and how come all of these girls are nasty looking? or wanna be models with shots all over myspace with their bums exposed... like WOW.

No i will not post for reference. you can search it yourself. the links are somewhere on http://www.flavorofloveworld.com/ and http://www.vh1.com/shows/series/rock_of_love_2/splash.jhtml respectively.

I think though the girls on ROL II are more forth coming with being *ahem* adult entertainers... the girls on FOL III are pretty much looking like prostitutes.

Uh... I think Amber is going to win and I think Daisy will eat a cheeseburger. and Bret will continue to play with all of the girls from the show past and present... why? because this is season 2. and he can.

SoSaysI... so it must be true.

Moving on. Friday found me downtown w/Bunkles and friends. We meant to go to an outdoor concert... found favorite bar that had the Micheal Foster Project (excellent brass band, i've known the trumpeter since we were in middle school) and kind of forgot.

True to form Trip (with both sisters so his triplet status is confirmed) was there and squaking. He has no job. Oh. That is why he was "working" for alcohol a couple of weekends ago. Oh. Too bad Tourettes is at the beach and could not take her verbal revenge.

I am the woose that feels sorry. i will try to look at his resume and see what we can do.

Of course Bryan was there. I saw for 2 seconds... this is just old now. I didn't say anything and he didn't either. ugh. luckly the place was over packed and there was no awkwardness.

However... excellent sound byte of the night came in the form of a pick up line from random person...

"Excuse me, I just wanted to let you know that you ignite the deepest recesses of my heart"...

yes, i generally do. no he did not get my phone number.

i resent that.

2008-04-05T13:56:00.004-05:00

Maybe there are still Brit fans out there... but I don't know any.

Further... that is my Alma Mater, Take it off Brit... I know you haven't heard that in a while, but take it off.

grrrr tigers.

p.s. I relay my Bryan story at the outing last night, and I love that I have friends who love me. So I tell Pretty Ricky and Christmas... both are laughing at me... They say the bit that keeps me dillusional... "If that was me, i would think it was funny. If he doesn't get your sense of humor then he is not for you. and why would you want someone who does not get it?"

in truth I still think it was funny too, even if it begot awkwardness.

...sounds about right.

2008-04-04T17:34:00.003-05:00

let me tell you about yesterday.

I am again teaching for Junior Achievement... it works well for me on Thursdays... I get to work about 11.

The Sr. VP blah-blah has decided he wants a succession/development plan based upon what he had at his old company.

Ok cool.

He has several hundreds of pages of manuals focused on this plan.

cool still.

He has one hard copy that he wants us (M and I) to turn into a presentation by Tuesday... along w/the 2 other gi-normous bits he wants us to create for the same meeting.

oh good. i thougt this might be the slightest bit difficult. (please note the charming/refreshing use of sarcasm to illustrate one's frustration)

yay.

Short version: we spent all day on this.

I left work at 10 pm. i was beyone tired, it was a loooong work day.

To further moment of weakness, the Dream Killer casually calls to see if i've turned in my law school app. at almost 10 o'clock at night? c'mon!

... i mumble something about being at work and he makes all of the requisite "poor baby" noises. complete with the offer of wine.

to further the dumb-f******g of myself, he offers wine at the new Loft in Perkins Rowe. It is a spin off of the favorite Wine Loft... I have yet to see it, i am all about this. even if it is with him. after all... new trendy bar? right up his alley.

I meet him there, and walk right into... guess who?

Bryan. Attorney Bryan who is 30 years old from the post right under this one. Attorney Bryan who played me to the left because I offended him with my intro. He's looking right at me... I kind of waved and hurried to hide behind DK.

I have to laugh at this. And then I look around at all of the girls in the super tight, super short ill-fitting cocktail dresses that are all the rage... I am in a long sleeved button down and dress slacks. and having a run in that is a little awkward.

Yep. about par for the course and this sounds about right.

I could not see him tonight... as I have kick-ass super model hair and full battle make up. no, not today. yesterday. when i looked like i'd been beaten Rodney King style with the ugly stick.

ugh.

Not Everyone's Cup of Tea...

2008-03-29T08:12:00.009-05:00

So that looks more like coffee... or Chai! For the sake of argument it is Chai. Was supposed to do a Heart Race benefit with Mommiey and Grams instead of Yoga this morning.. thankfully Grams punked out because it looks rainy and she does not trust the roads by the Lakes... she can cancel, but there was no way I was going to :)

So I have a few minutes before I have to leave for yoga.

This morning I am assessing the collateral damage of last night of last night. (not literally... just the kind of stuff we managed to take with us) Not too much... McDonald's bag, Vitamin Water bottle... Tourettes' managed to steal the jacket out of my Jeep that I expressly forbid her to take... and deleted a coupla phone numbers out of my phone.

I know something about myself... I freeze when someone asks for my number... in my head I am playing out what I think the 1st awkward conversation might sound like... retarded, i know.

Unless you are something special, you probably aren't gonna get it.

But I will politely take your number and really save it in my phone...

and delete it the next morning.

Because i know me. I've met me. I'm not going to call. I just wouldn't know what to say.

So the one of the numbers I am deleting is from a 'wing-man'... Oh YES! Last night there was an instance that I got played to the left. It is not so much a blow to the ego as it is kind of funny. At least I think it is... see if you do.

So at bar #1 I casually see cute guy. I think he sees me too. I play with my friends, Tourettes' gets antsy, we leave.

Bar #4, see him again

We sit outside and are amusing ourselves... I think he is cute. I am going to talk to him. I should mention at this point that I wonder how old he is. He looks like he could be young. But he is at a bar where they checked ID ... we all know this means nothing.

So I use this as my intro...

K: Hi. You are cute, how old are you.

Boy: I'm 30, what kind of question is that?

K: I just wanted to make sure.

Boy: you are cute, how old are you?

K: It doesn't matter because I'm cute.

Boy: My name is Bryan (real name because i do not have to protect those i will never see again)... Attorney Byran. What's your name

K: K.

more conversation... his friend makes fun of my Abita Strawberry Lager (as that is the seasonal Abita, in case you didn't know.. but how could you NOT?!)

Boy informs me he is going to "tell on me" to Tourettes who is sitting in the corner talking to people we know... i say "go ahead, she loves me, nothing you say will change that.

Boy: We'll see about that.

so he does. and I talk to his friend. Who is nice enough... but like i said, not my 1st choice. I'm not trawling here!

Boy is taking a while, I go over and try to make amends.Tourettes is annoyed with my Boy... and giving me the "THIS is what you thought was cute?!" look.. this in officially not going well.

I say: I think you misunderstood my intro...

he demurs that he is going to get a drink... and his friend stayed with us the rest of the night. Tourettes is confused and says so "what just happened and why are we stuck with this guy? The other one came over here and said that you said he was too old for you". NO! I was making sure he was not 17!

I have officially been played to the left. ouch! Maybe I will not use that intro ever again.

and yet... it was meant to be funny. but even I am ok with not being every body's cup of tea.

Here is the sad part... while i take his friend's number the friend is trying his best sincere pitch of "I would love to hang out with you, you are smart and funny... even as friends... blah blah"...

and I take the number knowing I will never call. But he does not know that. I hope he knows.

I hope one day I will actually use the numbers.

I just wouldn't know what to say.

Why are Gay Men, Straight Single Women's Most coveted accessory?

2008-03-29T00:00:00.002-05:00

Sadly I think I may know the answer to this.

I think I could tell you in one word... I will save it until the end.

the phrase is because gay men have become 'yes' men to single straight women.

why do i say this? read on.

Tourette's got long-distance Austin-type dumped on Monday. The boyfriend is far away and wants her to give up her life as she knows it and marry him... and live in Bum F**K Egypt... because country girls have no life until they get married. Tourettes was presented with an ultimatum and said... "... thank you but no".

No worries. She has me. and I love her.

I love her enough that I do not want to see her hurt... if she is, i will do my part to make it better.

she started drinking at 5 this afternoon. i picked her up about 8, we make it downtown and hit the bars.

we come across Triplet, he has a fraternal twin... he says there is a triplett... it has yet to be confirmed...

Trip as we shall call him is flamingly homosexual. He is. If you know him, you know he is. We took a class together way back when (in early college...) he is the balm to a female's insecurities.

At Tsunami he runs over and GUSHES over how fabulous I look... how he is so jealous because I am the hottest thing there. He scoops me up and twirls me around and everyone is forced to look because he is having a FIT over how wonderful I am.

we were on our way out to another bar. Tourettes says he is not the Will to my Grace.. he is the JACK. I laughed... until we saw him 2 bars later... and she has been cornered by Old-I-have-money-guy-but-i-am-too-cheap-to-buy-you-a-$3-beer...but-please-sleep-with-me-anyway guy... and here comes Trip... to gush about how he knew I would be here because the ugly people were every where else, and if you don't hang out with the beautiful people, what is the point of being in public. I laugh, this is funny to me...

Tourette's decides he will be her new Project Runway guy... i.e. "fierce". they have a bonding moment, he talks her into buy him an $11 cosmo with Grey Goose because it is what I am drinking and more expensive than the beers Tourettes' consumes.

he leaves shortly after downing the drink. Tourettes is heart-broken.

She has never bought a drink for a straight guy... she has never had to.

But she felt kinship with Trip... and went out on a limb... and expected him to be charmed and stay put...

and the word of what such a type person provides... is Validation. it is nice to hear him gush. he does so in such public places... but such a person cannot be so for very long. i would love to say i am the hottest thing ever... and yet, even I know that he does it because it makes people stare... at him. tourettes wanted to sit next to someone who thinks she is hot, and not because they want to sleep with her.

i get it, i am sorry she took this harder than the boy breaking up with her... at least he sought to marry her. trip only wanted a drink.

newest avatar

2008-03-25T22:14:00.002-05:00

this is my vicarious vacation. i am taking the turtle and the white tiger. and leaving the rest of you f******s here.

ok, you can come if you want.

that is about where my hair is... it's growing back, i need a trim... i am rambling and trying to make up for lots of neglect.

Could somebody wash my car, please?

2008-03-25T21:39:00.002-05:00

The jeep needs to be washed. badly.

it now has volcanic dust on it. (all the better to lift finger prints with) and will require a pressured spray of water to get it off...

so these kids are having a fund raiser. You've seen these things... kids on the side of the street with signs... buckets to collect money... they wash your car, you give them whatever you have.

i see what i think is this and i am excited... as we have discussed, my jeep needs to be washed. badly.

so i pull over, here come the kids with the bucket. i drop in my coupla bucks... they say thank you, and run away.

wait.

what just happened? my jeep is failing to wash itself, and no one else is doing it?

WTF?

it was not THAT kind of fund raiser. It was more like just begging for funds. mutha f*******! These little punks these days don't know how good they have it! in my day, the dance team did not get to go to competitions unless we raised a certain amount of money... and one of the ways we did it was selling stuff, or providing services for said money! not just taking people's money!

in retrospect the sentence before last might look questionable, but you know what i mean.

ugh.

So back to laptop that was taken... filled out police report yesterday. My boss's boss got in town today and will be here through friday... m will tell him that he has to sign off on buying me a new laptop. not fired yet. we will see how this goes.

also, since the most recent dismissal of DK... i still need that freakin letter of rec for law school from his dad. he is picking it up and getting the privilege of dropping it off tomorrow. sticking to it this time. no him. no more. not good. wow, now if i only had a nickel for every time...

OMG I GOT JACKED!

2008-03-23T19:03:00.003-05:00

and in the stupidest way ever!

so I am now sans work laptop... this is gonna be an interesting conversation tomorrow.

so in the course of this week... i have moved back and forth to work and home with laptop. i also have a desktop at work... so i didn't so much miss it when i slept about 4 hours a night.

i thought i left it at home...

at home i thought i left if at work.

this weekend as i start to try to get some work done and i need so post something on the intranet site.... i can't find it. i even went back to work on a freakin holiday.

Roommate pops up with "be careful, lock the doors, make sure your window is closed... 3 people have lost laptops out of their cars in the past couple of weeks".

CRAP.

so i get to enlighten m (boss) and fill out a police report...

i wonder if i will get fired for this. that would be unfortunate.

What the F*** do Kenyans eat?

2008-03-22T20:01:00.003-05:00

Today was the Crescent City Classic. A 10K. My first 10K. My time was awful but at least I finished!

By the end my muscles were on fire because I nether trained enough nor stretched enough. I am having sinus issues... and I felt like my chest was going to explode.

I am totally gonna do it again in the Fall!

My time was 1:13:10. Not good but could be worse.

April 19th is the Corporate Cup.

Back to the title line... so the winner... and 1st 12 runners in were from Kenya... and did it in 20 minutes approximatly.

WHAT THE FRICKEN HELL IS THAT?!

I ask you... how is this possible?! Almost 6.4 miles.... in that time.... what were you running from that you have gotten this fast.

I am not a runner. Good-ness... but seeing that score and having the moving camera take your pic is addictive. Stronger, faster, better. I am sure I can do better.

From here we re-commit to the training regimine... also... am doing well with the biking, now i have to take that show on the road... literally.

and now that i CAN swim i have to get back in the pool and ACTUALLY swim.

will work for everything...

2008-02-27T22:32:00.004-06:00

I am not a work-a-holic. but i understand how one becomes such a beast.

Yesterday I was called such by the roommate. he is bi-polar. he recently told me so. I don't so much think he gets to judge. Had I known before i moved in, i would not have.

Back to me.

I love what I do... I am getting better at it. I take it with me, because it is not so much filling 8 hours at a time, as it is the next project, the next thing, my thing. I enjoy it.

and when things are not going well in a particular aspect of your life, it is easy to focus on what you can control. what you can do well.

The dream killer is going out tonight. and tomorrow. and asked what i had planned for the weekend lest I should have something he is interested in. We are not dating. I don't know what moment of retardation made me think that was a good idea. I do no. It was lots of other stuff not going well.

I am not going out so much. It is expensive and I have both a budget and goals. DK is not cheap. DK is spoiled. He pisses money away like it is cool. Today he defends with "I like what I like." yes. but he can't take care of anything. He will throw a $2000 suit on the couch. where his cats will sleep on it. and then ask me to pick up his dry cleaning when i get mine... leaving out that he hasn't paid for anything. If he does not have, his parents will give it to him. In a 30 year old man, that is disgusting.

I can discuss only as it relates to me. DK wanted a girlfriend. badly. There was a day that he bought me an outfit from Banana Republic because it was so unlike what I wear to work and he thought it looked nice. And has talked about it ever since. because it is the first time he has ever done it for anyone. Nothing he does or has ever done is without recourse. that weekend his dad won a small portion of the lottery and promised each of the kids some money. Dk asked for a check. got it, and asked me to pay for dinner that night.

I have long known that DK has no room in his world for me in that capacity. He is the party guy friend, who it is good to know to get you into clubs, newer bars and great restaurants. but if he didn't sponge off of his parents, we would and has done it for me. he throws words around like 'get engaged in a year' and 'our kids'... and again i cannot breath. he does not have enough substance for me and I work too hard to throw my money into him.

so tonight, tomorrow, and forever and ever... he will drink, and i will read.

He is vain soul sucking selfish and superficial.

and this only further makes me think that if he was for me... him wanting marriage would seem like a good thing. now it just sounds like a liability.

Where did all the words go?

2008-02-24T11:35:00.004-06:00

I promised you an update. my company is going to pay for me to go to law school. It is amazing and spectacular... and a mixed blessing.

said concession comes with a few fixed prices:
1. law school has to be here
2. there is a cap set by the IRS that they cannot exceed (there is a way around that... maybe I'll tell you once I've gotten them to get over this)
3. I have to make at least a B in every class
4. I have to go at least 2 semesters a year
5. I still have to work full-time

mother of god.

So this is how we will make this work.
1. law school will be here (for now, with the soft intention of I will transfer if i decide that is better for me and just take mammoth loans)
2. for now we will take the max
3. oh-gosh... i can't breath. nor will i be able to until i know what I am doing. The girl that works in the Starbux downstairs is about to be a 3-L. I am getting all of her books to start reading this sh*t NOW.
4. Duh. the program I am taking is 11 hours a semester but you still finish in 3 years. better than an evening part time program that takes 4 and a half. plus i will go to summer school. i don't need a life for now. i need to not be poor.
5. and ok. if that is what it takes for now... O.K.

The part that has yet to be mentioned... and it is very very pertinent...

There is nothing in the policy, verbal, or written agreement that promises me to your company for any length of time. i.e. if i pay for 1 semester you owe me 2 years. nope.

On it's face, it would seem like that means they could let me go whenever they want. True. but that was always so. as can i leave at any point in time. and should such a thing happen mid semester... we up the loans and find a clerkship. that is the contingency plan. i know better than not having one.

also, you are asking yourself... why would they pay for law school? if so many people are going... and they have a great in house council... they have their pick of people and only hire attys with 4-7 years of experience... in a nut shell, here it is...

a while ago Shy told me I left 20K on the table b/c I did not negotiate my salary b/c I was so ready to leave JPMorgan Chase. I did some research. That is true. The national average for what I do is 23K more than i make. the state average is ALSO more than I make. I know this. they know i know this. i am told i cannot negotiate salary until august. ok.

I bring up law school and got asked for a justification. i have no idea what i wrote but it convinced my boss, her boss and the COO of my company. so it is like giving me a raise without my business line having to pay for it.

M (my boss) is afraid this might give me less to bargain with in august for more money. No. no. I have met me, and I am no longer the person I was. This is how we will fix that.

I work harder. I am taking sh*t home, I am pulling up the email, and will be getting them to give me a black berry to be more available to you. for now. In April I will start my 6 week construction class. it ends in June, i might so the safety bit too.... which will give me an OSHA 10 certification. which i could give a hoot less about, but on a resume it is growth, it is challenging... and it looks like i am interested in whatever my business/industry does.

i will be more of a techie and get my certifications to teach a few more professional offerings... like project management classes... and Microsoft Project.

By the time we get to August, you will have to pay me what I am worth. If not the whole 23K more... pretty freakin close to it. because before we ask for the raise... the resume will go everywhere.... including the engineering firm down the street.

consider this.

2008-02-18T20:37:00.002-06:00

I love what I do. I love the boss I have. I work for a division of a company that is limited in resources... which has turned into a blessing.

I get to touch and learn fantastic things. I get to spend time in training on all IT applications that is relatively new, that i would never have come to on my own.

I have gotten rave reviews from my boss and my boss's boss, which happens to be a sr. vp, on each and every one of my projects. i am an asset. he said so.

now for the bad part... I know my work is good. My boss is grooming and developing me and does not treat me like a secretary nor limit my creativity. My boss's boss knows my stuff is great... but in bigger meetings, my boss's great work is credited to her boss... my great work is attributed to her... and me? I don't exist.

oh.

So this was the job until law school which i vehemently wanted to not be here. The job is here. and my lack being able to express personal statement means i have limited my dream schools... to just a dream. Further, the application process gets expensive and I have taken such a cut by taking the fun job.

Recently I tried to date the Dream killer again. it lasted almost a month. and it is STILL not a good idea. no more boyfriend. why? the things that are wrong are still wrong. i have no indication that it will get better.

I have been known to view a job like a boy... the things that are wrong... money, credit. To get more money, I have to be seen more as an asset, i.e. the sr vp must pay me what i am worth. or it fails to be a good fit.

on to law school. so if i stay here, and choose the cheapest school, what would it matter if i did well. any where else and i am mortgaging my soul. what if my company could pay for it?

today we put that ball in motion. If they pay for it, i will be applying for part time law school, if not then it will be full time.

the decision should come quickly.

it has become what will make me stay or leave. because a huge raise before the formal 'evaluation period' just doesn't happen in a huge corp.

rat bastard.

My Roommate has a profile on MATCH.COM

2008-02-10T11:40:00.000-06:00

stay calm. this is not weird. a lot of people do this.

That is not the freaky thing... know where I saw it? on a pop up advertisement of... wouldn't you like to meet this single in your area?

No. No I would not. He is usually right downstairs. and I do NOT want a relationship with him. We already have one. of a financial nature.

ewwwwww.

his pics are really him. but some of the stuff like he works out 1/2 times a week... liar.

He is not 5' 8", that would make him at least my height. which he is not. he's more like 5' 6" ish.

he does not read

diet= meat and potatoes... or microwave pizzas.

and he drinks 1/2 a week?! liar. he gets freaking smashed at every "social outing" oh wow.

he does not live alone... he lives with me!

and what he is looking for... whew!

Oh... and the best part, he is paying for this.

But i cannot judge him, i just made up an email address and dummy profile to see what he had out there.

happy dating, be careful, people lie online!

Chinese Hush Money.

2008-02-09T22:30:00.000-06:00

So the Chinese new year was this week. The only know this because I found a tiny red envelope in my leather chair on a random morning. with a note but no signature. some of us got them, but not all of us. the dork in me was trying to figure out who they came from by association.

Boy am I glad I did not assume it was from Monica just because her parents own a Chinese buffet restaurant... boy would I have been embarrassed.... it was not from her. and she did not get one. and i got the distinct pleasure of not sounding like a tool as I faked a conversation about something I had no idea about.

nope, this is me. so of COURSE it came from the staffing manager. I have to give you more there...He is from San Diego (He thinks this makes him hip). His father is Phillipino (that makes him small) and his mother is Indian (that makes him weird). His wife is a caucasian insect professor at LSU who runs marathons (so he thinks we have something in common to discuss). He randomly spoke to me in Japanese for several days... because he assumed I am very cultured. (I AM VERY CULTURED! ish.) He does not so much speak to me... as he speaks AT me.

I am goofy. http://www.trymango.com/ i started learning Japanese because I was embarrassed that I had no Japanese in my repetoire. I can have that whole intro conversation. Anatawa?

back to the money. he printed up this little blurb to go with it... Saying this is the year of the Rat (yay RAT) and how in china little kids got a little red envelope with either $2 or $4 as something to ward off evil, etc. (mine has 2... i didn't open mine, but i coerced someone else into open theirs). M (boss) laughed at me as I described it to her before she got in... "What is it?" she asks.

"It is supposed to ward off evil... and we both got one... maybe we are being called evil?" i much rather prefer to refer to it as my Chinese Hush Money.

and i'm not going to open it or spend it.

and you cannot have it either.

I need a bike.

2008-01-27T19:51:00.000-06:00

1st tri is May 10th. ish. i need my own bike. i now have no bike. need a road bike. to ride for 12 miles. after 350 meters swim.

right after i am going to fall on face. please pick me up off the road... before the angry geese get me.

The Most Beautiful Book I Never Read.

2008-01-25T23:50:00.000-06:00

Punch line: it is Shalimar the Clown by Salman Rushdie

Back story to follow.

how to start... I am an auditory learner. I know this about myself. The best way for me to remember something is to hear it. If I read it, I can give you the gist... if I hear it, I can give it back to you verbatim. about.

Segue: Rushdie is not my favorite writer. I read him. but I don't particularly LIKE him. I get why he is good, I get that it is an expansion of what I think literally possible to wrap my head around his complex fumbling tumbling cliches with the same soul... I question if he can write women. Truly write women. Write in such a way that makes me flip to the back to check for your picture to make sure that you are a man.

Or write a man that I want to breath into life. I say so in the light of Ondaatje's "In the Skin of a Lion"... i forget his name, but the main hero-guy. I want him. I want to be with him. I want the soul shaking earth-moving lover forever and ever... and one that thinks and loves and speaks like him. but he is a character in a book. and Rushdie has never evoked such a thing in me.

Until...

So Shalimar is book on CD. After I bought both Midnight's Children and the Satanic Verses... I said NO MORE! and then I went to the public library to see what was in the book on CD section. It keeps me mind occupied when I have to stay at my desk and do things like answer 11ty billion emails.

I find Shalimar. I hesitate. I figure if it sucks I give it back immediately. Except it is beautiful. and I will seek it in print to see if I like it as much. I want to tell you what it is I like so much... but I'm still processing.

It has a man that I know. It has a women I've struggled with. and yet smacks of his Ice Queen from Satanic verses... and even she walks with me. Her imagery. the seamless integration of mysticism... whoa! no. i reserve that for Gabriel Garcia Marquez. because even I don't know that to be a quantifiable thing. ugh.

and it truly is... the most beautiful book I've never read.

besos.

Wanna see the Tom Cruise freakshow?

2008-01-16T20:33:00.001-06:00

http://gawker.com/5002269/the-cruise-indoctrination-video-scientology-tr

yeah, it's that good.

What would it take to snatch this thing?

2008-01-13T10:13:00.000-06:00

Hear me out!

It is not my fault that this is where my mind immediately goes.

I personally blame the plethora of movies like Ocean 11, 12, and 13 that makes it looks so easy. Ok not easy but really fun. Plus, apparently, Brad Pitt shows up like the prize out of a cereal box.

So I now have a roommate. He is nice enough. I am getting things to redecorate my new space. and Dk get dragged along.

He is pouting as we venture to the 3rd linen store to compare quality of bath towels... when he sits right up and says "You have to got to be freakin kidding me!"

That could be about anything.

What it happened to be about yesterday was the 2008 BCS Championship Waterford Coach's trophy. Apparently it is on tour across the entire city (probably New Orleans too... but definitely not the whole state) to the different venues of its sponsors.

Yesterday was the Verizon store on Seigan. It has it's own police escort and tent. The line of people to see it was amazing. I mean wrapped around the building. at 11 in the morning!

I ask if he needs me to pull over so he can get in line. He says "ummm no" and begins a rant of the sorry saps that have never achieved any athletic prowess... and never will... and this is the closest to any form of greatness that these people will ever touch... and blah blah when he ran track for LSU it had the #1 program in the country and more blah blah...

So as we find where we are going, I think to myself... how hard would it be to nab this thing. Not so much that I want it, I don't. Not so much that I would ever do such a thing, I would not.

But I bet it would be worth a lot to the right individual. Especially since tickets to this thing were going for several thousand dollars. For crap seats!

oh and the other thing I had to tell you was... remember the post that ended with the guy who was asking his son about "Great Expectations"? As I am packing up to leave, he introduces himself (I am confused as to why). He is Dr. Caxton Opere. The link takes you to his amazon page for his book.

Yes he is also a published author.

He tells (not asks) me that I know how to create web pages. (I was also doing stuff for work on my laptop) I blink while waiting for the rest of it. He then tell his son that I will create his website for him for free... in exchange of which he will give me personal coaching on my personal relationships for the next 5 years. I thank him for his generous offer and give some excuse of why I have to leave NOW. He is African. Like from the continent... Indian people have a quaint saying of calling someone "fresh off the boat". That was him. and he was pushy and overbearing.

He asks if I know who he is... I say no. He is still holding on to my hand telling me about his book and how he was divorced and he never will be again and how he can make sure i choose well and am never divorced. Based on his explanation of his work I ask if he knows beyond a shadow of a doubt that he has a "successful marriage and he nor his wife will NEVER file for divorce" he chuckles and affirms. Ok crazy... let's get ready for the summation.

I don't care how much of an expert you are, never say never, bubba. NEVER. plus his delivery made me want to jump out of my skin. But I'm not saying there is not some validity to his book. I haven't looked at it, I don't know. What I do know is if the success of this book is based on this man selling it/being attached to it... to where you see him... it will not do so well.

He reiterates his offer... 5 whole years of being able to call this man on his personal cell phone! So exciting! So generous of an offer! Such a crock of B.S. !

He tries to convince me one more time by telling me his sage advice to some woman who had marital problems. Know what it was? Victoria's Secret. That was it.

I tell him I have his card and I will call him when I've decided to accept his offer.

Translation: He should be getting that call about quarter to never.

My Opinion Matters!

2008-01-09T22:26:00.000-06:00

... and gosh-darnit people like me.

hee hee.

Ok, so my newest favorite brain-cell numbing activities are... drum roll please.....

responding to Yahoo Answers and the Big Debate.

Not to say that I have time for it, because I assure you that I came upon this while I was hard at work... or procrastinating about work... which is so close to working, it's scary.

I love these things. and here is why... the Big Debate on msn is great because I listen to a retardo debate about celebrities I don't care about.... and then I give my opinion by voting on some retardo aspect of their lives or careers (Britney is sooo over!).

Because with out my little click msn might cease to be.

Yahoo Answers. So I came about this by google searching something... and apparently someone had asked my exact question at Yahoo Answers (cosmic, I know!)... and people responded. and somewhere else on the page was an open question that caught my attention... and that was all she wrote...

So let me tell you why this is still amusing... These things are about as life changing as day time television. But honestly some of the questions these people are asking of strangers is AWESOME! (yes JD... truly awesome) but more in the dumbfounded... were you dropped on you head when you were little kind of way.

One girl asked why she had no REAL friends. My answer is below because I feel the need to answer stupidity that feels like a brain freeze... why would you ask such a question to a bunch of strangers... no one on this page is in a position to answer that. maybe you should start there...

maybe harsh (I got a thumbs down for that... i may seek therapy) and I respect that I am goofy for both reading and responding... and that this is now a very fun thing to do.

Some one else asked if people purposely offend in their answers... Me? honestly no. I'm giving you my opinion. This is America and Sesame Street says there is no one as unique and wonderful as me.

Ahhh but the argument could be made that such is the same with blogging... we share ourselves and let people comment. I still think it different, at least if you make your way through some of this you have a sense of me... and besides we all know it takes nothing at all for us to have an opinion about something.

So go ahead people, take advantage of the positive reinforcement of how important, necessary and powerful you are. but please don't let this be the only place you feel so.

How 'bout them tigers?

2008-01-08T17:50:00.001-06:00

Back to Black.

2008-01-01T18:44:00.000-06:00

so the goal is not so much to get back to black but maybe pink. or yellow. or some other fluffy bit of color.

I don't like the direction the blog has taken. and like much else in life right now i am unsure of how to fix it.

Perhaps it would be more beneficial to do a state of the union summation. and a bit about where we are going for this year.

as of this minute I am...

1. Homeless
2. not in school
3. not good at sticking to a budget
4. not sure how to date
5. a bit of a social scardy cat
6. not hitting my full potential
7. not able to stick to a better eating plan
8. not sticking to a workout plan for triathalon this year
9. not financially prepared for an emergency
10. not much of a writer at this point

so at the end of this year, all of these things will be changed.

All of them? well, this is what i tell myself. Those are a lot of nots...

I am sitting next to an older gentleman with his young son (?)... he is quizzing him on Great Expectations. The characters... the plot to the point the son is at... He is asking hard questions... I read the book, I loved the book! I could not answer this man's questions at this point.

So the little boy is blowing bubbles into his strawberry frappacino (which has no coffee or caffeine... i believe it is false advertising and defeats the purpose) and trying not to laugh as I make faces at him... when his dad is not looking, of course.

I can not find the focus in my life... so i will look at someone else's.

Housing Crisis

2007-12-28T14:50:00.000-06:00

So Austin has officially fallen through. So I guess now is as good of a time as any to say the offer came from KRB... subsidiary of Halliburton. Wanna know why we had to say no? Google "Jamie Jones" and "KRB" for good measure.

The offer was attractive. Damn attractive. Not something I would risk my personal safety nor reputation for. The job was listed under International HR.

Dammit.

Further, I am genius-girl! I had offer in hand, lease came up... we let go of the apt. Let go of a ton of furniture... sure I would be compensated to buy this stuff back... because it wasn't worth hauling around.

Fast forward to not taking the offer. DK says live with him. I did. for a week. He is disgusting. I know, I know. You say all guys have a certain level of icky... no.... no, no. He house is infested with fleas. there is a hole in the kitchen roof with leaves from outside and mildew to boot. the bathroom ceiling tile is falling the sink is perpetually backed up... and full of the hair he shaved into it. The couches are full of cat hair, and fleas... and cat urine.

and his stuff is thrown everywhere and I don't know when the last time he swept the beautiful hardwood floors were. Ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwww.

I was brushing me teeth in the bathroom at work... and showering at the gym. I ate every meal out... because the kitchen has not been cleaned in months. but he cooks on that filthy stove. it was gross. i mean really really nasty.

If he is letting me stay w/him for free... why not just clean up, you ask? I DID! I spent 2 days on the bathroom, dining, and living room. By the morning the house had shook the cleanliness off.

So now I live w/Bianca. (DK called to tell me he was offended I chose to live with someone else... really?) and am auditioning strangers to live with (like share rent with). Giving up the apt was stupid. why? because an apt in baton rouge, la goes for the same amount that it does in both Austin and Houston. What is wrong with that sentence? THIS IS NOT A REAL CITY.

ugh.

We Goin to the Ship...

2007-12-03T22:13:00.001-06:00

scratch that sugar bowl.... the BCS National Championship. Nice.

yeah i don't even think i could find tickets to that. so i'll be watching it on TV somewhere in New Orleans... because the after party is gonna be SWEEEEET.

... Also...

2007-12-02T11:50:00.000-06:00

Have you heard of this thing? I am considering asking for one of these for Christmas. The Kindle... maybe for books, I like the idea of having a ton at my fingertips with out the weight... or people coming up to me to talk about what I am reading.

But I don't think it would work for my newspapers. I dunno I like the feel of papers.

and sometimes the only way I remember to pick a book back up, is when I see the damn thing or realize i have been hauling it around for no reason.

maybe I wait for V2 on this thing. Everyone knows you don't buy the 1st edition of a tech gadget. but then it won't be Christmas anymore... hmmmm.

...So what are you doing New Year's Day?

2007-12-02T09:34:00.000-06:00

... because if you have tickets to the Sugar Bowl... I will be your best friend!

LSU vs. Tennessee.

It was a pretty good game... I guess.

There are the rumors that Les is going to Michigan... and really you can't be mad at him if he does.

DK says Nick Sabin was in BR on Friday... maybe talking about coming back. whatever.

It's terribly exciting.

and for my girlies who don't know what I'm talking about. It's football. American football.

Segue into funny story... so a couple of weeks ago I was in the mall to buy a wedding present for Tia... because everyone I know is getting married... STILL!

right so I was there and bumped into Jerry... a guy I knew in way early college. He's friends w/ my Happy Drunk Ken Doll... so I know him. ish.

He comes over to say hi... we are cordial. If you are nice to me, I am nice to you... it's nice. We are talking about the last he saw Ken Doll... for a Saints game in New Orleans. I am jealous... everybody got Pete to get season tickets.... Ken Doll cannot sustain a stable relationship... and I usually have other stuff to do than go to the games. Plus I have to drive from here and stay overnight... so Ken and I were splitting our tickets or just going together... and now he has the girlfriend. so i let him keep them. Plus I only remember at the last second that I want to go to the really good games... and people get mad when you guilt them into giving football tickets up.

so now I have to make new friends with tickets... because I am poor. sigh.

Jerry has tickets. rat bastard. He asks if I would like to go to the next couple of games w/him... we would get to sit by all of our other friends who have tickets as we all bought in the block. This sounds good to me.

Then he says... "so you actually UNDERSTAND football, do you know how rare it is for a girl to get football?"

actually it isn't... Madigan's brother-in-law played professional football... we used to get to watch from suites...

I say something like "Yes, I recognize that I am spectacular" OBVIOUSLY JOKING

and he says "well you don't have a ring on your finger... you can't rock that much". wow. I was in the bridal registry section... that was just mean.

ok so now I don't want to talk to him ever again... even to get to go to football games.

I wondered if I was being sensitive... he could have been joking. But we are not friends. We have friends in common... but you and I are NOT friends. He has called 2x... I let it go to voicemail... and then I figured out this really great feature on my phone... I can BLOCK people! Except for you guys. I would never block you guys. ;)

and I don't want to sit next to someone who is going to say mean things to me. Because I have options. So Dk's mission is to find Sugar Bowl tickets... and for less than $300 please... and tickets for the next Saints game after his finals.

and I'm not telling Ken Doll ... because he will never let me forget it.

I have nothing to wear.

2007-11-30T15:19:00.000-06:00

Yes yes... women say this all the time.

and true true... I have said this to the Dream Killer a time or 12... only to have him throw open the doors to my closet and say "Really K? Because it looks like all of Macy's is in here". and then he finds me something to wear.

but I gone through several seasons of not buying anymore clothes... because I saw how much stuff I gave away to GoodWill... and it all started looking the same... like I am buying the same thing every couple of years.

and i hold on to stuff that I never wear.

Fast forward to i am getting ready for work yesterday... and I ended up looking like a hot mess. ugh.

It was further driven home as I head out to buy work clothes... but I don't have a lot of $ so I am Bond-girl on a budget. I look for a Christmas party dress 1st... because this is the month of pointless- let's pretend we are friends- parties... and I find 2 on sale that look great! for spring. Not winter. and I start to rationalize when I could save this for...and I realize I will never remember I have this. so I put it back.

Then I look through shoes. and find a great pair of casual ankle strap black stilettos... I like these. I should... I already have them. Granted I have them in leather not fabric... and I again recognize my self-defeating shopping behavior.

I then find the make up counter and my hand lotion at Clarins... I have a bigger bottle... but I am running out! so I will let myself have a smaller version of it.

And I still have no new work clothes.

I go to the "career" section... it is SOOO depressing. Where did we get the idea of suits for women either being old and dumpy or young and trashy... ok so there is a middle ground that is beautiful with a blouse for $200.

This poor stuff blows.

Now to the big white elephant that I am avoiding. Austin want a 3 year contract and does not pay for school.

It is everything else I asked for including a stipend for a rental SUV (or a fleet... but they provide car... if I decide not to take their car... then i get the $ to pay for mine).

But it locks me in Austin for 3 years. What are the implications?... UT Austin does not have a part time law program... plus you have to live in TX for 12 months to establish residency... which is favored above "outsiders"... and we could potentially put school on hold for a 3 years. unless i get into their fantastic Business school.

It is a lot of money. a sick nasty amount of money.

DK and JB have both been given a heads up. It is now very very real. Because the offer letter and contract are being mailed to me next week.

With the possibility of so many lateral moves I feel like Mario trying to play Donkey Kong....

yeahhhhh Atari!

P.s. I bought a different blouse. That is the addition to work wardrobe. One blouse.

... you guys are gonnna love this.

2007-11-25T21:36:00.001-06:00

See? I'm trying to stop writing and saying "y'all". People make fun of that. I am sensitive. *sniff*

as promised here are the links to some free webinars on wine.

Winetasting
Winetasting Basics
Food and Wine Pairing

you press ctrl and click... no just click...Read the intro... they have some suggestions for ahem study aides... I highly recommend them. As I found these and began listening at work... I was without aide. but if you do it after the fact and remember what you are focusing on... it creates the same effect.

You do have 'sign up' but you can give them bogus information... if you are so inclined. If you do not have a WebEx player, it will download. It is super safe. i promise. i have it.

Also, there are TONS of great archived Webinars on more serious matters (more serious than wine?! get outta here!... i know! and yet...) on this site. i may start highlighting them on the other blog. and i will definitely discuss the Franklin Covey site.

Because I believe in all things Covey.

2 posts- 1 day.... yes i am a rock star.

Besos.

Girl Power!... and Powerpuff Girls! ...

2007-11-25T10:37:00.001-06:00

.and other random yay girlie-ness.

Greetings. I am snug as a bug.... uhh at mom's.

I gotta say I intended to be more productive during the last couple of days. Technically I've been off since in mid-Wednesday... since then the only time I have the left the house was to make it to the grocery store (1x) Dream Killer's parents' house (1x) and then to make it to mom's.

I am a bum. You wish you were a bum like me. This is the last time I will have 2 days to rest at a time for a good little while. Non-productive girl checked her schedule yesterday, updated, changed and worked some stuff out. We have much to do in the next 2 months. Thus instead of getting work done, I say screw it.

Back to the title line.

RE:bitty bitty moms.

I've discussed my mom, yeah?

5"3', 103 lbs. soaking wet. She is bitty. She drives a truck. She drives a brand new truck. Brand new as of yesterday. It is the pic. Here is the link . This thing is monstrous. Is it just me, or are all trucks, suvs, and vehicles getting to be the size of elephants? wtf?

The best part was watching her try to hop up into it, wearing a sari this morning. wow.

So yesterday she is decidely going to go buy this thing. It is not smart for a woman to go buy a vehicle by herself. That just increases the liklihood that you will spend thousands of dollars more than you really have to. for no reason.

She initially took one of the little Auntie's husbands with her... she forgot that this Uncle does not have the social skills of a cucumber. Not so productive.

I tell her to take the Dream Killer. She demurs. Her other option is to go alone (I will not go with her at this point because the ONLY reason she will not go with the dream killer is because he is not Indian).

She spouts some sort of "female empowerment" (is this where I get this stuff from? I thought I made it up...) and off she goes. I salute and get ready to iron all of my clothes that I brought with me, in the form of undone laundry...which is now clean and needs to be ironed. My puppy stayed with me inside all day... as it is STILL raining.

Mom comes home with this. I say Cheers.

This morning I see the extra keys... and ask for my set. She is withholding key! I laugh and say "let me know how that works out for you when you lock yourself out" she says "how will you be helpful from Texas?"

ok so Mom is quick with a comeback.

Greetings from behind a ceramic mug instead of a travel mug.

2007-11-22T09:53:00.000-06:00

hi.

how are you?

I'm good.

I'm warm.

I flaked on the turkey run.... hear me out, though.

So yesterday I got off of work early, and did some things around the house. Ran about 2 miles as a warm up, did abs and then circuit.

Circuit was especially hard yesterday, and is becoming increasingly so as my hips are on fire. and i have to wear the brace all the time. but with the brace I am fine. Really.

So I took it easy when I got home and took a hot shower.

This morning I woke up and the temperature outside had dramatically dropped. It's cold! But I got up anyway and started to get ready. My hips hurt dude. I mean the pain is white hot. I used BioFreeze and that felt better for a little while...but i didn't want to make myself miserable.

There is a difference between pushing through woosey pain and busting yourself up for no reason.

So mom gets the ill-gotten sweatshirt.

and the Reindeer Run is Nov. 30th. We'll do better with that one.

it is what it is.

2007-11-20T20:46:00.000-06:00

Big plans for Thanksgiving-
Turkey Trot (5K) race
Lunch at the Dream Killer's parents' house
Get letter of recommendation from DK's dad
Finalize personal statement and applications...
nap
roll over during nap
wake up and rule the world

take a break for pie.

See? Big things, big plans, big expectations.

now on to reality... my right knee feels like someone took a bat to it. That trot is looking more like a limp.

So Austin has moved to the negotiating phase... did you know if you move across state lines to work for a new company you can get them to cut you a check up front for the following:

1.moving your stuff (duh)
2.your temporary living situation (duh part II)
3. your new place for a few months (lesser duh)
4. your new furniture (because i am not renting furniture. Bunny had surgery to remove a staph and this girl might be a tiny bit paranoid)
5. your salary for 6 months up front (in case you get there and they are a**holes. and you miss your mommiey and want to go home. allegedly!)
6. new clothes (i'm serious. no seriously. i asked 3 times- the stipend includes clothes)

really. i mean really. wow. i would like to point out that Chase thinks 5K before taxes should cover your move within the continental US. This list is a bit more than 5K.

But it's not real until it's on paper. but wow, huh?

and i am still planning on leaving for law school for August. There isn't enough money to change that. (i am partially typing this for my benefit... just in case that should ever be hard to remember).

Smurf Bubble

2007-11-11T11:17:00.000-06:00

So about 3 months into the new job. Still love it. Don't get me wrong, the freaks are coming out of the wood work and we have moved out of the Honeymoon phase of "I'm so happy to be here!". and part of that was a call from Shy to tell me that I really did get this all by myself (See? Told 'ya so!) and I also left between 25K-30K on the table because I did not negotiate AT ALL. Yeah I was pretty nauseous over that one.

Then I try to call his bluff... and tell him he's full of it... He has no idea!
He then laughs and says "they think you do great work, you have a boss with no ego, she may be molding you but she rushes around and wears too much black, your CEO thinks she looks neurotic... and all of the service personnel (security cards, coffee shop people, dry cleaners) on the 1st floor know your name."

oh, ok.

Back to how great work is... I have gone through none stop training while figuring out bigger projects than I have ever seen. Every minute not spent figuring stuff out, is spent reading, learning evaluating learning systems. I even sat through a couple webinars on Wine tasting. It was interesting. I'll post the links later. it's free. you have to register but they don't email you dumb stuff and don't sell you anything. it's pretty cool.

I also had to read the secretaries' club newsletter (part of a professional organization called IAAP. The secretaries' are organizing now? WTF?) . It was also interesting. One of the articles in their monthly publication was on the subject of holding onto grudges and forgiveness.

My degree is in Sociology and I have to be honest, I was prepared for this to be crap. But it talked largely about re socialization and the notion that we have to understand that there must be a way to come back from some wrongs, and not feel the need to hold everything bad against a person ALL the time. That we each decide how much is too much and what point we let stuff go, and also what we absolutely can not.

So I ask DK some questions about the ways we have argued over the years. What he is still angry about and what resolution we could come to in order to get past those things.

He says "Dear God. What magazine is this coming from? Elle? Glamour? Yuppy Girl?"

I resent that. I read periodicals with substance! and besides I could have come up with this on my own!

He says "No K, if you had just sat around one day and came up with something to talk about it would be more like..... SMURF BUBBLE!"

er?

DK: "Yeah, something random like, do you think smurfs blew bubbles? and if they did would they be blue? and how would they be blue, i mean where DOES the pigment come from?"
I am mildly offended. So he called me random?

So that is the newest word in rotation. All stories to which the point is not very apparent are called Smurf Bubbles. and in my defense, I'm trying to cut back.

Also, I like this portion of a post card submitted to PostSecret. While scrolling down I saw this before I read the card or comprehended the whole picture. This looks like an elegant hovering fairy. See it? I also like that it is part of a real object.

Jindal WON!

2007-10-21T09:18:00.000-05:00

Do you guys even understand how surreal that is in this state? He didn't even have to have a run-off this time. that is HUGE.

The reason the Advocate is siting is because of low black voter turnout. Oh. I am going to try to limit what I say here because I don't want to say the wrong thing...

A few years ago when Jindal was head of the hospitals and contemplating a career in politics... A few of us had a friendly discussion. Quite innocently someone said "... so is Jindal going to be the new Cleo Fields and unite the minorities in a glorious uprising?" not so much. Especially since Mentor chimed in with "you know that black people hate y'all, right?" Didn't know, Why? "because he is a Republican on a ticket that was largely prejudicial to blacks, and now he has the support of the white vote, even though he is brown. Black people in this area don't think it's fair he can show up eons after slavery and be an equal". Not kidding.

Which spawned a real discussion on what the difference was and if he should not have had the acceptance he does considering his obvious merit. He is brilliant. He is humble. He is patient.

He lost the last governorship to a b*tch that can barely say the alphabet whose husband was a good ol boy from some stupid f*ck town in the swamp. word.

and in the face of not being able to come to terms with a whole new issue of race, some would with hold that vote. I understand that, I couldn't pick the lesser evil between Blanco and Jindal, so I abstained the last time.

OH and LSU beat Auburn. Yay. because Bama was a swim coach at Auburn. 5th ranked... dammit.

I saved a bunch of Money on my Car Insurance...

2007-10-14T11:29:00.000-05:00

... trite, but I really did. I don't like lizards.. but he is so cute :)

Ok, new adventure. I love the new job. I did not negotiate salary real well. Or not at all. My friggen bad. Because I still love it, but I have all kinds of new expenses... and I am now paycheck to paycheck. and this is new and bad and wrong.

I am the girl that could live on $20 a week if I had to. There were times in college when I had to. I should not have to now!

So I am looking for ways to cut mad expenses... and even into the logistics of a part time job. ugh. Need some help here.

Also, it would be most conveinent if Austin would open up. The city, or the job in the city. In the mean time, lets see what we can do here.

A State of Flux.

2007-09-23T10:52:00.000-05:00

I say that is where I am today, but then again, aren't I always.

What's up peeps... it's been a minute.

Few things to get out of the way...

1. STOP TEXTING AND DRIVING.
Don't look at the screen and pretend to be all self righteous "I would NEVER do that... that's like driving after having a drink or two... that just NEVER happens!" Liar.

You know you do it, so stop it. Bunny hit a curb and blew our 2 tires. Lots of crying and considerable expense later, she is ok. it's an expensive lesson and it could be worse.

2. Remember that time that I was looking for a new job, and got a nibble from consulting firm... and thought this was an awesome oppurtunity... and it would be fantastic to have this job...

It is still freakin great. I have learned so much, gotten to touch so many bigger projects... and made a few mistakes. but it is a process and I am enjoying myself immensly... so much so...

3. I flirting with the possiblity of moving to Austin.

4. NOT FOR THE BOY

5. Because a certain someone has a few friends in Austin (not me) that could extend an even better oppurtunity to a certain someone else (ME!)... so we will see.

I am still working out the shift in the blog, so bear with me.

Also the weekend edition of Wall Street Journal has a really good profile of the Dalai Lama. You should check it out.

Next topic, so I don't forget, How come Hindu spirituality is not an attractive trait? Faith usually is, it is admirable, it is humbling, it shows substance (except in George W. Bush Jr.) but committment to Hinduism... is not something I would go to the movies with... dunno.

Emily's Reasons why not.

2007-09-04T22:00:00.000-05:00

It's a book. I forget by whom, I do not remember the name of the authors of the books I read. Japan does. The basic premise is that you look at relationships and really LOOK. Once you have 10 valid reasons to say no, it is a no.

Japan is a no. Now let's see if I can get to 10. (this is working backwards, but I think the premise holds). We'll do 10 and I will tell you about the wonderful weekend in TX. Honestly, I'm glad I went. Sometimes you need to see possibility. He is not crazy, but he is a wanna-be modern day hippie. I think it will be interesting what he comes to after this has worn off.

1. If he has hurt you before, pay attention to that. A zebra cannot change his stripes... what was there very well may still be.

2. The guy that is in love with "women... the way they walk, the way they smell... women are beautiful goddesses" means that this guy is in love with himself. (period)

3. Hitting extremes. There is something to be said for conservative. for stable, for maybe not normal but wanting to create and give safety. If you live your life not knowing where you will be and you are fine with that, we no longer need to continue conversing.

4. The new age hippie. the yoga, raw-vegan (which is more extreme than even just Vegan... who knew that was possible?) is not cute. The "don't think about it... FEEL about it"... might calm me down from hyperventilating once... but after that, you need some new material.

5. Pot is still illegal. and it smells bad. like cigarettes, they are legal and even those are a deal breaker. ICK!

6. You are not going to meet my mom. Don't ask. Unless we have gotten to the point of seriously discussing forever and ever... YOU do not get to bring it up in conversation.

7. If he pays attention to every word you say in the beginning... that is good. If you see and hear him using your words to explain to you how he is everything you have ever wanted... RUN. The using of your verbage is manipulative. and shows lack of genuineness... and just don't fall for it.. it is bad.

How am I stuck at 7?

So I psych myself up to talk to Bama last week. I am no longer afraid of anything. I am female empowered... and in complete control here. I've know Japan forever, how could this hurt me? I need to see what is up here. If only not to run from it... oh how naive.

So I agree to meet him in Houston. We will play with the butterflies (which I love) and find lunch. If I don't think he is crazy I will go to Austin. If I do, I will go home.

I remind myself that I was unfair to Lemon. I feel like I should learn how not to be. I end up in Austin. The whole thing was nice. really great. like a dream, really. but driving home and talking today brought up a bit of reality. Japan is easy to fall into... and I just realized how lucky I am that he does not live in my city.

In the face of him... he is professing undying devotion... which was quick. he asks me to move to Austin, live with him...take my time and find something I WANT to do there. He offers me his world... but I know better than to take it.

He is on a "spiritual" journey which is marked by books like The Secret, The Peaceful Warrior, and the entire New Age section at Barnes and Nobles (he actually took me there to show me all of the books he was in the process of buying...wtf?). He is overly accommodating... which is scary... we will do whatever I want to do... which cannot possibly last. Pretty words aside, it was nice. we did do whatever I wanted to do... and played in creeks and climbed rocks.

and he "pitches for the relationship". all of it. with titles, and one day rings, and wants to meet my family for Thanksgiving... and I can't breath. again. So I just don't say. I tell him he does not understand what he asks for, and leave it at that. and he asks it in every way possible.

The way he is trying to be suffocating is at odds with the "spiritual path" he is on. He may just have found it, but it is the base of Hinduism that I have known my whole life. He is far from where he thinks he is... and too attached to his stuff. How can I say that? He just moved into a new (and nicer) apt. and gave all of his stuff away... to start over and create an environment of peace. If he was truly unmaterialistic... his apt would have been less nice... and he would not be replacing all of his possessions with the same things but in different colors, that is called 'redecorating' or 'makeover'

But then I get home (at 11 last night) and hit the ground running for work this morning. I forget the phone. He texts a couple of times today. I respond when I get home. He asks if he can call me, and I let him. We talk. He is asking if and when I will go back to Austin... and please let him fly me, because he was too nervous w/ me driving. I cannot breath part II. I tell him that he may not know how far he is on his "transformance" and that his attachment to me is not what he thinks it is.

He laughs and says he is not attached. He wants to see me again... but if he didn't he would be ok. In his mind he made the very best out of this weekend and had no regrets. So I have been tried? tested? His grand gesture? What was that? What just happened? what?

He recovers quickly... and maybe it my ego that has been slighted. I have watched my words all weekend not to tell him that I am not "falling for him"... but he can gush... and postulate... and forget my face, he swears he will. I don't even know what to do with that.

True to form, I make an excuse to get off the phone... and wish him a good evening. He asks "Wait, you're not even going to call me back?" to which I think I said "Sure"... translation "no way in hell". I delete his number from recent history (he hadn't even made it to the phone!) and chalk that up to a growing experience.

I don't think I need to offer the benefit of an explanation... I'm sure he can just "feel it".

Excel Certified, I am!

2007-08-30T14:45:00.000-05:00

I have begun to talk back to my books. Not literally, but in a sense... yeah, I guess literally.

I did it with Shantaram... I wrote my thoughts and responses throughout the book. at the end of each part I wrote a page on the divider. Since then I've been jacked for that book, and have been trying to get it back to have my words ever since.

On to the Satanic Verses by Salman Rushdie. My initial responses...

1. What's the bid deal? He has a price on his head for this?
2. A lot of the elements and themes are like that of Midnight's Children (another of his books)
3. He is a hard read. I am only half way through from the 2 weeks I've been reading it.
4. He is hard because I lost interest 100 pages ago.

I dunno. Just not that into it. but I am making myself finish it. Now on to the controversy. I get that it is huge b/c he is Muslim, so are his main characters. and he gives them the bearings of an angel and demon and portray and struggle w/personifications of such. he gives modern life like verses and visions to very old religious stories.

In reflection, I'd rather analyse it and pick apart the way his characters see things, what they say, what they do... than take it in all at once. or in small spurts. or just read by myself with out the warm squishy understanding (and drinking?) of a book club.

so I have since started to write back. I'll let you know if I get anything interesting.

Also... New segment courtesy of Japan (I am still hesitant to fully blog him)... (he does not get to read the blog)... (because we are still suspect on whether this modern day hippie is nuts)

What I learned today: (this may be the new blog)
If you begin your day... and find a tiny hole near the back pocket of your jeans, please change your jeans. Even if they are your favorite jeans, even if this course of action will make you late. Change them.

If you do not change them, DO NOT wear hot pink underpants. It is not advisable.

Why? simple. because over the course of the day, you will break you back pockets. or the holes will magically get bigger leaving you hot pink bum a little more exposed than you would have liked. I'm just saying. hypothetically.

What I learned yesterday:
If you leave a cell phone in the refrigerator for a couple of hours, it will stop working... but the screen will say that it will allow emergency calls. You must turn it off and take the battery out... and let the whole thing thaw (some suggest sitting on it... some suggest sitting on it when it is fully functional as well... not me, Christmas!). Turn it back on, pray for it to work.... and promise it that you will never never do that again.

How that happened... I'm watching what I eat, so I have to pack lunch... or I will end up starving and eat anything. I left the house with not enough hands and put the phone in the lunch bag... and put the lunch bag in the fridge at work. I got angry email from Bunkles and began looking for the phone.

Not in purse, not in Blanca, not on the desk, didn't leave it at home... Surely, I did not! yep, yes I did.

NO FEAR!

2007-08-28T10:00:00.000-05:00

Yesterday was the Big Girl conversation with Bama. and the prelim w/Japan. and the putting to rest DK's issues... and figuring out that Bunny is still messed up about David as is Tourettes' about the GoodChristian.. rounded out with Shy is about to be uber mad at me.

Also, I am debating between changing the direction of the blog or keeping it as it is (as it was what it was) and starting another for the direction I would want this to have. Or maybe to have something with direction.

Friday night/early Saturday Jolie had some tummy trouble. Which snow balled into a trip to the ER and Sunday afternoon her gall bladder was removed. I spent all of Sunday with her while they ran tests. I don't see her often, but if she calls me, if she needs me, I wouldn't be anywhere else.

She is cracked out... and half asleep. She mumbles "How was the talk with Bama?" I say it has yet to happen.

Jolie mumbly: It's all over the blog, honey. You are hurt.
K: No, it is a non-issue he's going away

Jolie: he might be leaving but you were still hurt. This is less about him and more about you.
K: stupid, guilty silence

Jolie: this may be the 1st time you have let yourself be vulnerable, but it is not the last time you will be.
K: more silence

Jolie: I thought you were going to stop living in fear... what are you afraid of? This is for you. To heal

She is right. I have told myself to... but the hippo-head in me says it is hard. But she is right. and though, I have never done it, I should learn how.

So I called and got vmail. he called and got vmail... repeat til yesterday about 3. It was his 'last day' of work. he took it as vacation. I ask for that talk we were supposed to have... he says it is to be yesterday or today because he leaves Wednesday. We say tentatively for today... and he shows up to circuit.

...and works out w/my group. and next to me.... and stretches w/ me. He asks if we should get a drink... I tell him he is going to walk the track. He laughs and says "you're making me work for it, aren't you? Well, you deserve it." yes I do.

So we walk. and talk. and I let him start. of course he is apologetic... but we get to the bad part and I tell him what I would have said if I had had the words. I tell him I liked him, and what he did hurt me. I tell him I felt like I threw myself at him and I was embarrassed and awkward... and infuriated that he seemed fine.

and he said... he knew he hurt me, he was sorry. he did not know the extent that it hurt, and no- he didn't know that I was really liking him. He further says he handled this the wrong way... that he asked and asked because he was attracted to me but he asked at times when his life was not right and his head was not there. He took the wrong approach and did not get to know me (i.e. my head) until it was too late... and then he was embarrassed that he did not have better to stand next to me with. that he thinks I am better than him.

He thanked me for letting him teach me how to swim (I can competitively swim now) and said that in his mind, it was his penance. and the way that he made peace with the awkwardness that non-relationship created.

He says I should never give a guy a chance that messes up in the beginning... that I should make them run (at this point we are jogging... to take the edge off of a heavy conversation) because I am worth it... and the guy who doesn't recognize it is stupid- like him.

obviously there was a lot more. but it was just a conversation. he could have been blowing smoke. but he's leaving and it doesn't matter. and I have the peace that is just as great as I thought it would be.

Yesterday's theme is Seal's Love Divine. it repeated all the way home, and as I delete all contact info for the Bama, it's ok. and I am ok. and I go see Tourettes to tell her to talk to the GoodChristian, put it on the table. humbly. talk to him. and leave it there.

Japan is a different text. and a bit of granola. how funny it is to see people you have known all your life... and what they have become.

A reasonable expectation to privacy, or the lack thereof

2007-08-26T19:19:00.000-05:00

I think I have broken another laptop. Very scary. Now in search of someone who can fix it for less than Best Buy wants me to give them, for them to fix it. ick.

So now we are back to desktop. ick part II.

I have bad news for you guys... the world we live in that gives us a false but mostly consistent sense of semi-privacy is FALSE. I know you are shocked awed and alarmed. But if I told you that almost anyone could find you almost anywhere at anytime (or course provided you are not trying to be hidden) you might not believe me. It is so.

I got a call from Japan on Friday. (he is no longer stationed in Japan). He works for an engineering firm in Austin, TX. He now has degrees in Physics and some kind of engineering. I have not talked to him in 5 years.

The last time I talked to him, he called me crying in the middle of the night, because he found out there was a girl in Japan supposedly carrying his child. and she was in a car accident. He was flying back to see if his child was alive. Oh.

That was bad because though we did not officially 'date' I've known him for a very long time. We'd talked almost everyday for 2 years... eventually he asked me to marry him. and was working on the ring (as I did not think this a valid question without one).

and then there is another girl in another country with his possible child. We were not "together" because he was in a whole other country. What kind of a nut job considers herself to be with someone she sees 2x a year and thinks he would be faithful? but even he could not say beyond a shadow of a doubt that this was not his child (Friday August 24. 2007 he tells me it was not his child).

Does it look like a pattern? WHY IS THERE ALWAYS ANOTHER STINKING GIRL? AND WHY IS SHE COUPLED WITH GREAT BIG GRAND GESTURES OF I LOVE YOU AND WANT TO BE WITH YOU ETC. ETC. WHY?

and why do boys lie? for what reason? I am not your mom, I am not the law, I am not God.
I cannot send you to your room, I cannot send you to jail, I cannot send you to hell. There is nothing I can do to you...

and they get busted. or they bust themselves. why? it makes no sense.

And yet, that is not the best part. the best part is actually 2 parts...

I. He is calling to ask if I will come and see him in Austin for the Labor day weekend or if I will allow him to come see me here. He will buy the ticket if I want to fly... or he is willing to take the drive.

II. He got my phone number, with my address (this has yet to be confirmed), car and license plate (this info it the red Mirage that was totalled last year), along with a supposed background check (I want this info) off of one of those Internet searches that promises to find anyone for like $20.

I could not breath. It took all I had not to hyper-ventilate over the phone. Does it seem like some stalker sh*t? Does that even look slightly familiar.

Jesus H. Christ this is not good.

and it raises some great big friggen questions.

1. what is it? what is it about me that brings out the crazy?
2. how much of the information he has is accurate, how did he get it, how do I get my info pulled off of those things.
3. what is it there being another freakin girl? I mean really? Bama, Dk, and him.
4. again, what is it that made him resort to a stalker like mode of behavior? what? how did he think this was ok? i had one. a whole stalker, then the boogie man, and now him. wtf?

So I say "we will talk about it" because that was all I could squeak out.

The follow up voicemail is apologetic "I didn't mean to frighten you" really cuz you did.

"because it kind of felt like I did" because that is exactly what you did

"But I really want to see you, so please think about it"

Is it the Marine syndrome of wanting a girl pining for you in a myriad of cities? what is that?

but as scared as I am, it is a conversation I am going to have. I am not flying there, and I do not want him here. So maybe I will take the drive. I have the family of a friend I could stay with... and I can leave whenever I wanted... good God what am I doing... but part of me has to know.

Who was it that says if you get the same thing from enough people and the only unchanging variable is you... maybe it has something to do with me?

and I am going to talk to Bama. Lots of phone tag today... but Monday is his official last work day and I am going to do this. because apparently I may have this situation (if not person) again, so the faster we get the 1st out of the way... the easier the next will be.

You got this? I got this.

I'm going to take a pepto.

Don't ask me for cake, cuz I'm not sharing.

2007-08-23T21:17:00.000-05:00

Right out the gate, I have no title. perhaps by the end I will.

Yesterday was the great big birthday. All in all, very good day.

I will give you the highlights and then on to Rushdie- or we will do Rushdie tomorrow, I think that is more like it.

Mom sent me beautiful flowers. she is smirky and smug when I get flowers from a boy. She says "Let me guess... roses? Honestly! No imagination" I don't know 1/2 the names of the stuff in the arrangement, but it was color scheme and set that could and would only come from mom.

I spent Christmas in Vegas w/ my family. Close to the end I figured out it would have been cool to give Lemon a poker chip from each of the casino's on the strip. I.e. I thought of you here. and here. and here. and here too.

But I didn't think of it until the last day. When I'd already packed and my purse was with my things to go to the airport so I had no license on me while we are eating lunch.

My uncle is told I want this. He does not know why I want this, he really doesn't care. He is only concerned with the idea that this is something I expressed that I want. He is convinced we could do this in like 20 min (on Christmas Day. On the strip among everyone and their grandmothers). Needless to say it didn't happen. But i got a package yesterday with a B-day card ,a gift certificate... and a zip lock bag of 27 $1 chips from the different casinos.

Because he loves me.

It reminds me that while some girls look husbands like their dads, I would want someone who was like him.

Stupidly I tried to workout. P-day called me out and scooped me up in front of everybody. I'm 5' 7". It is disconcerting to picked up like a 2 year old. I forgot my brace and left early.

Shy stops me to give me a package... I did not take it and told him I would be right back. He calls today to ask why I didn't get my present, I tell him Bunny's b-day is Friday and I didn't want mine unless she got a present too. (the clutch she gave me is tan snake skin and SO ugly. but I did not tell her so).

Rounded out w/ JB made me lasagna and we killed a bottle of Italian Pinot Grigio that was over priced but came in a wicked cool bottle. Which was the retardo birthday choice. I had the leftovers today... and they made me sick

Bama-Tj's last day of work was yesterday. I saw him briefly, he came over to talk as I was leaving but got mauled mid-conversation. And I didn't have the balls to say it. That is the anti-climax. I walked away. and kept walking.

and he will leave in the next few days, and that will be it. I think that was a bit of a present too.

I am further humbled by the calls and texts I got. I am AMAZED at some of the people that remembered. Honestly, how? but good day. better than I could have hoped for.

and the best present of all... a little bit of peace.

MY NEW JOB IS FREAKIN AWESOME.

2007-08-20T20:42:00.000-05:00

Is it just me... or does that title also look like it is an invite to countdown how long it takes for new job to be not freakin awesome AT ALL?

so the exact title on the new business cards... which are on their respective way... say

Corporate Training Coordinator for E&I (Environmental & Infrastructure)

Consulting Firm (ish) is also a Fortune 500 company (albeit barely) one of 3 with a huge presence in LA. Our state is just not good to companies... in fact our tax laws suck. In fact all of our politics suck... in fact Jindal is not the answer only a manufactured candidate, but we have to try him because he is the lesser evil and a novel Catholic Desi. What just happened in that paragraph?

Oh, and the 1st day... friggen sweet. Orientation was 2 hours but interesting. after badges, I got to hit the ground running on a conference call with the head of all other aspects of training (because I have an idea of what I am doing..or not at all :). Got pulled for lunch with the head of one of the serpents... ate with her... pulled again by the Head Recruiter whom I 1st interviewed with. My boss is out of town this week... so he says I get to eat with him... I told him I just ate.. He says ...

"We are expensing it, and a private chef is making it... so eat again. or take it home. I know the other manager... she will try to feed you salad... that is not food".

Other manager DID feed me salad. and it was not from the private chef!

So post lunch I am enlightened to the fact that I am not "in the system" so I can not log on to computer... and tell you guys how righteous my day is... so I am given an office depot catalogue and told to "PIMP my cube"... we'll come back to that.

Recruiter casually happens by and scoops me up for a "chat". Which was hours of him talking about EVERYTHING. He is fascinating to be sure. and I can learn a lot from him. about my job, about his job, about how to do well at this company. He has taken a shine to me...

... and then the little voice in my head hears the last explosive conversation I had with Shy. To which he expostulates...

"You don't even know how hard I work for you. I am putting your name in the right ears all the time. You will get Northwestern if you want it, Firm will pay for schooling if you stay in LA, and you will move up there. Provided you don't set anything on fire, you are golden there."

I question his motive and am adamant that I can and AM doing this on my own. Further what does he get out of the situation? He says "I get to love you from afar". This is too weird. I tell him I don't want it. Nothing is free and I am not for sale. Not for a job, not for a school... not at all.

He feels insulted.

I don't know what else to do. I think he is not talking to me again (would anyone that is shocked and dismayed... and does not understand that he will get over it in 2.5 seconds... please read the archived entries of this blog).

Swim Lessons. At the end of this month (maybe before) I am going to see about taking a class at LSU. Bama is good. Bama has cancelled 2x since Thursday. (which secretly worked out well for me) but he is getting ready to go away... and he has a lot to wrap up. I understand.

I also understand that this is now a non issue. (I've typed that before) But all of the quality time has not been weird. We have always been able to avoid the "us" conversation for polite and at times more pressing issues... and it is not that important.

It was because I am me. and I felt slighted. and I lacked being comfortable enough to express... but now I could. and he is not the person that needs to know it. It would do no good. and the next time with someone else, I have better to offer. so yay me.

Whew! Big post. Later I will tell you why I heart August. It is the best month ever. and much like last August... full of YAY ME!

Dream Weaver.

2007-08-18T08:37:00.000-05:00

I might be a little harsh on the Malty Milt Head. He is all over this horror-scope thing. and I don't so much buy into it. I think it's wild how illogical it is that such a successful person really takes this as little hints on what his real life will hold. It just doesn't make good sense.

and yet... I think I have a couple of superstitions as well. Well, at least one.

I am reminded of this as I woke up to the alarm clock at 530 this morning (because TODAY is my technical last day at Chase... we'll get there... Please hold) with the remnants of a dream still fuzzy in my head. as I shook it loose and mulled it over, I thought "Sh*t. Now it's never going to happen."

that is my superstition. If I dream a situation... it is not going to turn out that way. It might not be the EXACT opposite, but whatever happened in my dream is EXPLICITLY not going to happen. It weird, but it's kind of tried and tested.

And it's kind of obvious that whatever I am dreaming is something weighing on my mind. be it sub or conscious. It is not so disappointing... except it crosses out a possibility. or maybe I'm just dumb f*cking myself.

little better.

2007-08-16T08:40:00.000-05:00

after step, abs, circuit, and then swimming... I saw a tiny bit of progress in the swim.

I can almost make it 25 metres with the perfect kicking and the non-choking breathing... almost.
So I am taking today off (to drink. at 6. at the Chimes. can you tell I am looking forward to it?) and getting back in on Friday with no other bits of physical exertion before. Because Bama says if I can do this whooped I'm going to kick so much bum when I am fresh.

Also I want him to stop trying to be my BFF. Still don't like it.

This semi put my world back in sync this morning. Breathe and a fitting theme I think.

theme

2007-08-15T12:46:00.000-05:00

What is wrong with me?!

Warning! Emotional Female on the loose!

This is the best/worst new song ever.

It is on repeat.

and I keep tearing up.

Amy Winehouse - Tears Dry On Their Own

Dammit.

if I didn't tell you already, Chimes by LSU for 6ish tomorrow night.

August 14, 1947

2007-08-15T12:03:00.000-05:00

Today is India's Independence Day.

It is the 60th anniversary.

Why is it a big deal to a girl who is 3 generations away from it and 1st generation American? because it is humbling to have a conversation with my illiterate maternal grandmother who looks as me with eyes full of expectation.

Because I am 3 generations away from illiteracy. from destitute poverty. from not having a hint of a prayer for education or the luxuries I take for granted.

Because my parents want me to marry an Indian. and I am so spoiled I can grimace and say that I'm not marrying some back-a**wards guy who does not speak English and has no education and will never make more than I do.

It is why my grandmother looks at me and asks what I am going to be in life and how I am going to get there. The underlying hint of a line of ancestors that made huge sacrifices that I may drive a Jeep Liberty (not overly impressive-but in her world, it is) and live in the (arguably) richest country in the world.

Like the idea in "A Thousand Splendid Suns"... have your ancestors given so much of their lives, their families, their heartache... for you to be a maid in a foreign country.

It is the expectation that you will be great because you come from greater stuff. and there are mother-nations of billions of people who never had and will never have the chances that you do.

Divisadero

2007-08-14T09:25:00.000-05:00

Below is Ms. Jhumpa Lahiri's review of Ondaatje's new book Divisadero. I give you this and will weigh in at the bottom.

My life always stops for a new book by Michael Ondaatje. I began Divisadero as soon as it came into my possession and over the course of a few evenings was captivated by Ondaatje's finest novel to date.

The story is simple, almost mythical, stemming from a family on a California farm that is ruptured just as it is about to begin. Two daughters, Anna and Claire, are raised not just as siblings but with the intense bond of twins, interchangeable, inseparable. Coop, a boy from a neighboring farm, is folded into the girls' lives as a hired hand and quasi-brother. Anna, Claire, and Coop form a triangle that is intimate and interdependent, a triangle that brutally explodes less than thirty pages into the book. We are left with a handful of glass, both narratively and thematically.

But Divisadero is a deeply ordered, full-bodied work, and the fragmented characters, severed from their shared past, persevere in relation to one another, illuminating both what it means to belong to a family and what it means to be alone in the world. The notion of twins, of one becoming two, pervades the novel, and so the farm in California is mirrored by a farm in France, the setting for another plot line in the second half of the book and giving us, in a sense, two novels in one. But the stories are not only connected but calibrated by Ondaatje to reveal a haunting pattern of parallels, echoes, and reflections across time and place. Like Nabokov, another master of twinning, Ondaatje's method is deliberate but discreet, and it was only in rereading this beautiful book--which I wanted to do as soon as I finished it--that the intricate play of doubles was revealed.

Every sign of the author's genius is here: the searing imagery, the incandescent writing, the calm probing of life's most turbulent and devastating experiences. No one writes as affectingly about passion, about time and memory, about violence--subjects that have shaped Ondaatje's previous novels. But there is a greater muscularity to Divisadero, an intensity born from its restraint. Episodes are boiled down to their essential elements, distilled but dramatic, resulting in a mosaic of profound dignity, with an elegiac quietude that only the greatest of writers can achieve. --Jhumpa Lahiri

actually, I don't think I have any words fitting to be put next to such an eloquent summation. This book is not a hard read, but definitely a heavy one. I have to take breaths between chapters... to soak it in. to comtemplate. to grieve and grasp the abstract presented with in his physical words. My adoration for Ondaatje stems hugely from his magic trick of showing you each of his cards and then the magic that was always there. No slight of hand but a turn of phrase that equally could be called such.

I also can not wait to finish it so that I can start all over again. Maybe my words will have more coherence then.

The one I am reading now that is an easier bit is A Thousand Splendid Suns. NY Times Bestseller, by the author of Kite Runner... Khalid Houssain (sp?). It moves faster across the Afghani poli-landscape. and makes it personal. It carries depth, pain and flight like Kite Runner did. It holds a similar theme but moves between character perspectives as KR did not.

What I found most impressive (which I am always surprised that I do) is the way he writes women. The way he writes harsh mysogonistic subjects with a minds eye that doesn't seem like it crosses genders. Maybe that is the feminist in me.

Today I am more settled on a whole. This is the week of clean up, professionally. maybe personally too. How does the saying go... when god closes a door he opens up a window?

Some thing are being slammed shut. Bama whispers the existence of a girlfriend... that is being left. I consider rescinding the scheduled big-girl conversation. I am conflicted.

DK is too much. We spit all the time. It is all over the blog. I forgive. We mess up again. I forgive again, but it is not getting better. Yesterday he "suggests" I need to make some decisions on whether or not I want him in my life and how. I am conflicted.

I sit on his porch as we prep to air our grievances. He starts with his take on Rosemary. I leave him on the porch mid-sentence. He does not get to have issues about how I react to his bad behavior. especially since I gave you the benefit of "pleasant conversation" during your needy international calls. that he could look me dead in my face and question why I would grant her the civility of a cup of tea... and chastise me for it... no. in this instance, I am above reproach. and that getting your issue out is more important than how you hurt me... says I knew a long time ago that you were not for me.

and I need to let my bits of hypocrisy go and act like it.

This one time at band camp...

2007-08-13T15:02:00.000-05:00

I don't think I'm going to get the stuff I meant to post.

Let's start with what I got.

I am LOVING Lily Allen. Loving it! her music, not her trite dramatic celebrity life. So this is today's theme song. Because I heart it mucho..

02.Lily Allen - Knock 'em Out

"... no, not in a million years. You're nasty, please leave me alone." love it. LOVE it. I am laughing so hard, it is so sorry what amuses me. I would use some of this stuff.

and also, I don't like people. I say that earnestly I think. I've started a row with too many people. Maybe I am cranky and fussy. this feels a lot like what happened around V-day.

back to the title.... So I spent the weekend in Gulf Shores, AL with 10 other girls in a 3 bedroom, 3 bath condo on the beach. very nice really.... except it was just like dance camp. By Saturday night, I was done. I couldn't stand them for 1 more second.

I had mini-words with Tourettes. It was our very 1st time. In about 7 years of what is a real friendship. it was over quickly with "I'm sorry"s and "I love you"s. You know, the way girls fight without really fighting. it was over her bit of hypocrisy.

Shy still over his trying to exert himself. and taking issue with Bama period.

Dk. Because I am still treating him like crud over the Rosemary thing. (what? she contacted me over MySpace. and she's nasty. I have no reason to protect her privacy) He keeps calling and wants to have in depth conversations about nothing. (Bama withstanding... no. no in depths with him)

We rowed over him trying to correct me about Afghanistan's political history. He is not smarter than me. He does not read, and he was not right. I let him have it last night because I was tired. I looked it up this morning and when he called to say "good morning" he was treated to a discourse on the Afghan's political climate circa the Soviet collapse. Which was replaced again with the MUJAHIDEEN and not the TALIBAN which came about 2 years later. and it was NOT an American construction. idiot.

He thinks I am deflecting and unhappy with life. He says last week it was Bama, this week I am taking it out on him. (not really true)

The answer he got was "How about you go pick up a newspaper instead of psycho-analyzing me."

Harsh. but he listens not at all.

The pic is a limited print from Cirque. and I want it badly. It is only $875. I am wondering what I could sell to make this thing happen. But it looks like it may not happen today. but one day. I find it breathtaking and beautiful like you would not believe. I would create a portion of my dream study/library around it.

Update: my boss just pops up over my shoulder to ask "If I needed you to work overtime this week... which days would you be available?" my prompt reply "Not any. I'm all booked up :)" and I am going back to Yoga tomorrow in my new BCBG yoga pants... so you and your 8-5 can SUCK IT! but I didn't say that last part.

"Pick me..."

2007-08-10T07:33:00.000-05:00

Choose me... love me!

Right, so we all remember that Meredith said this to McDreamy on Grey's Anatomy? Yes? We were there, we all collectively sighed... and thought she was a mellow-dramatic tub of marshmallow? Yes? We were all there?

uhhhh... except... and please stay with me... self deprecating humor with some way harsh words from the Dream Killer to come.

So DK is back. He's a law clerk for the Dept of Insurance. He's working downtown again. We had lunch one day. Overachiever bought a house and gutted it. so I am on Team O and helping to fixer upper the hot gutted mess.

As I am priming after Wednesday's run- no swim... I am reflective, contemplative... one might say nauseated because Bama is training 2 other Rocket Chixx (one of my triathalon groups). No, I'm not jealous... yes I secretly smile that I get priority and have the option of monopolizing his time. Even if I don't do that. He calls me to make sure I am ok with him splitting 2 days next week for an hour. While I circuit he will be swimming. then he will swim with me.

But, in the interest of the growing and non-hypocrisy... I am to have the talk w/him before he leaves. and I am still psyching myself up to get there. DK senses I am having issues with something and tries to talk to me. I feel I talk about this too much (granted the majority is on the blog... it is my self-indulgent outlet) and have given this too much importance. But that also is testament to how much I do need this conversation. But I don't want to have it with the DK.

He asks... so I ask... "Are you more my friend or my ex-boyfriend?" He says "Whatever you need me to be. If you need a friend I will give you the best I have, I always have." not.

I say "but I REALLY need you to be my friend. and any ex-boyfriend-ness will result in my throwing you off of this unfinished porch".

and I tell him about it. all of it. with all of my mistakes thrown in there. He knew the outline, but not the extent to which I was stuck like a skipping record.

He scoops me up and sits me on the swing. This is not about to be good.

"K. I tell you this all the time... You are smart, witty, beautiful...etc etc." translation... the next words out of his mouth are about to be a major kick in the head!

"but since the Water Buffalo... when have you put yourself out there for a guy? When have you ever been sure? When did you unequivocally express interest and state... I like you, I want you."

ok, never.

"and I know you, you expect the guy to be sure. Bama did pitch for you... you said you needed time... why would you think that he would go home and just pine for you until you were sure. and to run after you on the off chance you said yes? That goes against his self-respect as a man... if you guys had crossed the hurdle to love he would have something to shoot for... you didn't give him anything... what was he supposed to do?"

oh this is about as not good as I thought it would be... but the clincher is coming....

"Further, you have the words FORMAL COURTSHIP stuck as his askance... what words does he have from you?"

There was that time that I told him I liked him...

"ok, and he said he was going to see another girl... you said "have a good night". how hard would it have been to say... Don't go see her, come see me. Pick me, choose me. because I like you and I want you, and I want you to try with me."

I didn't have those words, then. and they still seem scary now.

JB made me dinner last night, and we vaguely have the updates and I am also stuck in "he's about to go away forever and I will never have to worry about this ever ever again" to which K-dawg (her husband) passes through with...

"Have you met you? If it was anyone else, maybe. Because it is you... you will cross paths again. and before you have that conversation, you have to be sure that you will be ok with whatever comes out of his mouth. because it could literally be anything."

all the more reason to suck it up and have the talk.

As I mention new job to Bama he is full of Congrats... and then says "Drinks are on you :)" No. no drinking with Bama.

Can't Touch This.

2007-08-09T09:10:00.000-05:00

My last semester of college consisted of one class. Freshman Biology Lab over the summer.

I don't know why this was so hard for me, but it was.

My lab partner was a super adorable freshman girl (see how important she was? I still remember her name. or not) who was a smart a** to boot. Needless to say, we got along really well.

The day we got back our 1st lab happened to be the day I picked up my cap and gown... so I was late to class. I glided in behind the lecturing teacher and took my seat. Lab partner whispered "Nice of you to join us".

She was so cute. so naive. so innocent.

I took my time while I looked at the lab we got back. We'd gotten 100. Of course we did, it was my lab.

I smiled as I showed her the inside of my bag with the cap and gown. and the lab that said 100. and calmly, patiently and slowly... explained that this 1 lab guarenteed my D in this class even if I didn't do any other assigments or tests. That was a pass and all I needed to ensure I walked with the rest of my class...

... further, from there on out- everyday that I "joined" her for class... was a HUGE gift.

She was very quiet that day. :)

That has become my existence here. I didn't even get to formally say I was leaving. I requested an audience with my boss... she looked me in the face and said "God Da**it, You're quitting!". I gave her a piece of paper with my sentence and a half:

Please consider this my two weeks notice of resignation. My last day will be August 17, 2007. Thank you.

and she signed the acknowlegment I gave her. and knew she was F*cked.

The last couple of days she asks that I train lesser mail clerks and seasoned people who have been here for 20 years on the idiot proof things of what I do, and she will have to absorb the rest. and she further asks that I write out procedures as much as possible for the 11 billion things she does not know. :)

let's do that again :)

that felt really good :)

So I am and I will. and my sparkly work ethic says that I will hold up my end of the bargain and stay until the 17th. Or as close to it as possible. Because these are the days that I could literally set my desk on fire, and still be gainfully employed. :)

Also, I have TONS of new BFFs. People who have never felt the need to have a civil conversation with me are spending quality time at my conference table... usually asking for lets of reccomendation. I have a running list. but not all of those people are getting a letter. and none of them have a concrete promise. they all know I may not "get to"them.

and we do all of this, because you never know what life gives you. The Firm may not work out. But how much do we love that it is also a Fortune 500 company (albeit barely) that actually ACTS and DRESSES like one.

Since getting the offer, someone from there has called everday to get me squared away. Paper work etc. Making sure I don't need anything, happy to have me. Excited to see me. etc. etc. :)

Cheers.

:)

Sugar Rush

2007-08-08T11:20:00.000-05:00

I've been working out hard (and mostly consistently) for about 2 years. about.

In that time I have lost all of 3 lbs. 3.

Want to know why? because I still pretty much eat what I want, when I want. I don't diet, I don't feel the need to. But now I am training harder. and everyone knows how important diet is... you can't eat crap and work it off and still look like Brooke Burke unless you are between 13-18 years old.

I know this. or my head know this. My tummy says "onion rings please."

So now I'm trying to start making small changes before I completely revamp, or even I know I won't stick to it. The 1st big thing to go is potato chips, and cutting sugar.

Chips are now 100 calorie packs of chex mix (I could do worse). Sugar is a problem. I eat oatmeal at work for breakfast (because I am getting here for 630 these days). I love the Cinnamon Roll stuff... because it is loaded w/sugar. So pointed out by Swimmer who gets too much face time on blog.

I made the move to Maple and Brown sugar that is the 50% less sugar. It is gross. I mean like NASTY. The 2nd day I put a banana in it. which made it better (because banana equals sugar). but today I have no banana.

So I make the oatmeal... and I am stirring it... and it is mocking me in the bowl with how gross it is going to taste. and as I pass the coffee stand with all of the coffee amenities I imagine the container of sugar taunting me with:

It doesn't have to be like this... I can make that taste just go away... you know I can... and you know you want some. Just a have a little, one spoon... who would know?

yes I am a dork extraordinaire. But no. I took my icky oatmeal the way it was. because I am working out too damn hard to undermine progress with sugar.

also, will blog the ripple effects that my 2 sentences have had all over the work place in a little bit. It is funny. It is also good to be me.

I have the drug screen today... let's see if my oatmeal shows up. I don't even know what that was supposed to mean.

Today is a good day.

2007-08-07T11:56:00.000-05:00

why?

I GOT AN OFFER FROM THE CONSULTING FIRM!

START DATE IS AUGUST 20TH!

Beer is the Boy-Equivalent to Flowers.

2007-08-07T08:10:00.001-05:00

at least that is the way I understand it. and if this is so... I am tempted to go buy Mr. Bunkles a keg... and roll it into the elevator. That would be funny.

So I still do not want to work for NorthWestern Mutual. At all. at all. let's do that again... AT ALL!

But that's okay because I don't have to. Because I have a Team that believes in me, and yesterday I got to see parts of that Team at work.

Because the uber-great consulting firm gave me a nibble. I am a finalist for the position I interviewed for and they called to double check that they could call my references. Bunkles (because I work so closely with him... and he has the position here that I want with the firm), ex-Boss Lady- (because I don't respect any of my current management who cannot write clearly much less speak articulately) rounded out with Jenny Bear because she is usually the perfect compliment to any situation.

So with a time lapse of 20 minutes, respectively, I get the follow up calls of my friends telling me what was asked of them, and what they said. and while each was great, Bunkles was my ace in hole. wow. I would hire me from the way I look in his eyes.

Malty Milt Head says "Yay! Celebrate now. Dinner? Drinks? Vegas?" not yet. Plus I leave for the beach Friday after work to get back on Sunday... so I have to hit the gym Mon-Thurs.

Yesterday was 3 hours at the gym. Ick. Step, abs, circuit, then an hour plus in the pool w/ Bama.
and is it telling that I am more concerned and awkward about this when he's not in front of me (like I am overly-anxious) but with him, no big deal. and while he is in front of me, I would never have thought there was a future there. I say this as it is contrasted with Tourettes who FREAKS when she sees the GoodChristian. Maybe I'm desensitized? Maybe over it?

When we get closer for time for him to leave, we are scheduled to have a sit-down talk. and I will do what I tell Tourettes she needs to. and be done with it. Because he is going away forever... what is the worst that could happen if I beared my soul? He thinks I'm goofy? Who the f*ck is he? and maybe this will be good for me. no matter what he says or how unflattering it is.

and the best part is... I will tell you all about it so you may have a laugh at my expense. by this time it should be good and funny, or I will just wait to tell you whenever it gets there.

theme for today because it is what I wrap myself in... on repeat. You'll Never Find Another Love I would also like to give you Dave Matthews Band #41 from the Crash album... but I still don't know how to upload.

Regression.

2007-08-06T08:09:00.001-05:00

Sometimes you have to take a small step backwards to take a bigger step forward.

and that's not a bad thing.

This weekend was such a testament to how much the stuff that is issues, themes and the subjects of posts on this blog are on-going stories. How nothing is finite and done. No matter how much I think they are. hmmmm.

Remember Tourettes and the GoodChristian... They "dated" for 3 months. She was and is uber messed up about him 8 months later. Why? because she never talked to him. Oh they email, but not really talked. (sounds familiar? Don't judge me!) The refreshers...

here

here

and here

and it is so easy to see in other people. She is really hurt over this... how bad would it have been to say "I need to talk about this. I like you. This hurt me." how bad? Well, it's just not something all of us can do.

But if you don't do it, you stay stuck there. Yes it get less every day, but then you come face to face with that person and you get to start all over again. because you haven't really healed.

I have more but I don't like the trajectory of this post. so we'll have to come back to .
Also today is Interview day with Northwestern Mutual.

I officially said no thank you to the job that was beneath me. and explained why in diplomatic terms to HR. For such diplomacy and honesty I got a volley to a bigger manager for a better position. Today we sit down to "chat".

The Allure of Dillusion.

2007-08-04T13:02:00.000-05:00

I get why people live in La-La land. (Laa-laa!) Because it is nice and warm and squishy there. No one hurts anyone and everything is just as you want it to be.

I heart my friends. I am lucky to have you guys. Many many kisses... even if you don't write... or blog... or give me a good shaking when I need it.

I say this as I had to tell Tourettes to not talk to me about Bama. She no longer gets to discuss the subject with me. WHY?

Because she loves me, therefore she is biased. She is a woman and has the mind f*ck abilities we all do. and because she loves me and thinks like a woman... she says what we would all think. and daydreams out loud.

Yesterday she called to ask how swim lesson #1 went... I tell her about it. she says "AWESOME!" and this is where she gets cut off...

"So now it's only a matter of time before you guys get close, and then he falls madly in love with you and you tell him not to go to Tampa and he will stay here and everyone will be happy!' NO.

No, no, no, no, no. That is not what is going to happen, and that is not what we are wishing to happen, and that is not going to enter any given part of our consciousness. In fact, I have every intention of busting it out in a pool (it was supposed to be today but it's getting pushed until tomorrow) and learn how to freakin breathe between my strokes so that we can have as few lessons as possible.

So he can go away. and there will be no quality time. and I will cease to be self-conscious. I am working on this so hard, I am about to stare people down to force myself to make eye contact.

Shy calls me last night. He takes issue with Bama and he always has. He says "not Bama. anyone else. Pick a private teacher, no matter what it costs I will pay it. Just not Bama."

Bama goes away in 26 days. Why would he still insist? What does he think would happen? News Flash people... there is a camera on that pool... we're not gonna be boinking in a very public pool... and I learned my lesson. I did. No Bama, only swim lessons and lots of working on me.

Keep it up and you guys will fail to get to have an opinion. I am spending the non-booked parts of my weekend with Ondaatje anyway.

The new novel is out. I just got it and finished Rushdie's Midnight's Children (will have to tell you about it). I don't like how people compare both Rushdie and Ondaatje to Garcia Marquez. Not every writer who uses a bit of mysticism is a GGM! and Rushdie doesn't get mentioned in the same breath as Ondaatje! They are not of the same caliber... I don't think.

and I sigh as I will blog Ms. Jhumpa Lahiri's comments later... that much like her ... for Ondaatje my world literally stops.

I leave you with bated breath (on my part, silly).

News Flash! I am not perfect.

2007-08-02T21:29:00.000-05:00

I am self-conscious. I am always self-conscious. If you think that I am confident and have all of my sh*t together... apparently you do not know me well.

I am a perfectionist and demanding of myself. If I can't get it right, I am irritated. I am that competitive jerk that will do it until I can do it at least as well as you can.

I over-think everything. Everything. If there is a way to mess it up by focusing on it too much... I will do that.

This comes from my 1st swim lesson. Bama is right, and so is everyone that ever said so... He is the friggen best at what he does.

He did not say any of the things I started with. He has the ability to reassure you in a way that makes it not a big deal... but he is trying to fix these things.

He did mention the self conscious. It was "How are you so self conscious? Stop that. Don't be that way." Most of it was teaching in a calm patient way.

I also get that there was never a future here. I got it from my end a long time ago. But I think from his end too. and I also think we should have spent some time getting to know each other without any alcohol. That would have been good.

Because I don't think I would ever have kissed him without it. and that sentence alone makes me feel small.

There is a lot of great stuff in him... and lots I want in the person I am with. and he is hot. I mean like really hot. Like super hot. Like we swam in the end lane and started with 6 empty lanes next to us... by the time we left (at 830) it was full of girls giggling and drooling.

I get that he has much oppurtunity to be a man-whore and it is hard for guys to say no. I also get that what he exudes is quintessetially what every woman wants.

My new cubbie mate (because I now work in a cubicle to promote a team environment) says everything happens for a reason. Like swim lessons are supposed to teach me to swim, and maybe something else?

Maybe that I do not like myself as much as I thought. and how is anyone to be comfortable with me if I am not?

Stupid Bama gave me stupid goggles. I am to practice at least once between now and Monday. I need the lessons. I am grateful for the lessons. and if I had to pay for his time... I know how much this would be. and still... I hate this.

"Hey, remember that time..."

2007-08-02T07:16:00.000-05:00

Apparently that is how Big girl, suck it up because I have to ask for a favor- conversations start.

Made it to the gym yesterday... Bama is at the door and waits to walk me in. This is how it goes...

K: Hey, remember that time...
Bama: That you needed to learn how to swim and you realized that I am the best person to teach you?

K: Ok, that too... and also that time that I stuck my foot in my mouth and said I did not need your help?
Bama: As a matter of fact, I do remember that!

K: Is that far away and funny yet?
Bama: *laughs* yes it is. What is your schedule like because we are 30 days and counting...

So we put a schedule together... 4 times a week for an hour plus... for the next 30 days. Starting at 7pm today.

and guess what this is costing me? Nothing. He is officially on Team Kiran. Yeeeeeeah Team.

and after 30 days, he goes away. forever. :)

Update: Malty Milt Head is off the blog! This what he sends me in response to post... as his bit of Horror for yesterday...

Allow that super-hot certain someone to demonstrate they've got a heart of gold as well as a shiny exterior before you get too wound up about 'em. As you well know, pretty is as pretty does.

Urban Relationship Myths- Part II.

2007-08-01T10:47:00.000-05:00

Truly the stuff of legends and lore, people. truly.

If you need a refresher... this was part I. Who Knew-Part II

On to yesterday. Yesterday was the day to work on stamina- running. It rained a lot; so I was on a treadmill... 2 min walk, 5 min run- repeat until you pass out... for at least hit 1/2 and hour. It's not much but it was supposed to be a resting day.

I see the Bit (Little Bit) and I tell her I have beef with her...she chirps "why?" and I get to tell her... "remember that time that we talked and we shared and we confided about stuff... and there was the guy at our gym that was almost and then not but it was weird ...etc. etc.. THAT WAS BAMA!"

and she stares wide-eyed and puppy-faced. with "K, I didn't know! I feel so bad for you! but he wants to teach you... he does. I didn't even get it all the way out and he offered..." and in a small voice "and he is the best"

... and he is going away in a month. and I need to learn how to swim 700 meters super fast (or as the Mexican chimes in... I could jump into the water really far and try to run under water)

So of course Bama is on his way out (I thought I'd gone late enough that he would have been gone, nope) ... and I am trying to duck him. He waves, stops... sees me talking to Bit and doesn't come over. I waved and did not demur. Big girl here, because today I am going to have to suck it up and ask him to teach me to swim.

But none of that is the Myth that may have worked.

I told you Little Bit dated Pseudo-Daydream (twice). I thought I crushed, Bunny definitely did, and Bit got him. and broke him.

Because he is the 2nd person she has boinked ever. and her 2nd 'relationship' ever. and she wanted to stay a virgin until she got married. Obviously it did not work out that way. She has decided to stregthen her walk with God and stop boinking until she is married.

so she told the Pseudo-Daydream no more boinking. and he tried to be ok with it... and decided he could not. He broke up with her....

fast forward to Monday after circuit... she won. He comes to her with "I love you and I can't live with out you!"

and she doesn't know but he is going to ask her to marry him.

I call Bunny and we snuggle up to the idea that it works out for some people. and I look forward to being able to tell you about my own earth shaking beautiful love story... it is just not today.

Muchos Besos.

...pete and repeat...

2007-07-31T09:15:00.000-05:00

How can I be accused of having abandonment issues if no one ever truly goes away?

and also... what's up with the world being all out of whack? Let me say this again people... all women (we can ever stretch this to all people) are beautiful amazing goddesses that we should try to uplift and help to be the best that they can be.. and never insult anybody ever...etc etc..

BUT let me also say this again... and pay attention this time... If you take a shot at me, that is free reign to knock you smooth the f*ck out.

Back to the first one... Bama. (go ahead and say it... better yet, don't say it)

So Little Bit gives me my 1st set of training workouts for the triathlon. I am looking over it... she says "Look at Thursday... what does it say?" Swim. It says swim.

She further says... "that means get in the pool and go hard for 30 min... and that is the easiest this is going to be." I look away.

She says "Look at me... you CAN swim by now... can't you?" I hide under my super cute Nike hat, that matches my shorts.

She snatches me by the hand and drags me to the indoor and outdoor pools. They are 25 ft. respectively. She threatens to throw me in.. I say "I'm on a list!" which I am... at the only other gym with a lap pool that I wouldn't have to pay extra for. She says "If you would just suck it up and do it here, we would be done by now." she is right.

So we ask the life guard on duty about lessons... he defers to Bama. SHIT. Little bit makes a bee-line for Bama's office and I beat her to it and block the door. Which was futile because he was stretching on a mat and watching us.

She bops over to him and I literally dragged her away. We picked a different place to start for circuit. Bama did not work out in our group, but he stayed for circuit. I think we are done here.

So we go hard, and stretch. I grab my and Bunny's stuff and try to sneak out. And got called out. LOUD. "Ms. K... Get your beautiful bum back here!" Bunny waits for me by the door.

Bama: Ms. K. I know you can't swim...
K: Yes, but I'm on a list

Bama: One month, you have one month for me to teach you to swim... and then I am leaving forever. I'm going to Tampa. (he's going to GM for a branch of gym- it's a huge step up.)
K: Congrats.

Bama: Why do you think you haven't gotten scheduled for lessons at Southside yet?
K: that's not nice! Why did you pull my name?

Bama: Why didn't you ask me to give you lessons? You know I would do it for nothing.
K: Because I would rather ask a complete stranger

Bama: Why?
(like he doesn't know why! because this is awkward... and I started to like you, and this didn't go well, and you were interested in other girls... and I don't trust anything you say... and I hate that I got butterflies over the words FORMAL COURTSHIP... like you pitched for the relationship to get me to sleep with you!) That is not what came out.

I hide under my cute Nike hat that matches my shorts. He snatched the hat off my head. I snatched it back. and said:

K: Because you think I'm trying to stalk you.
and left to him screaming : We are going to talk about this!

ok I never said I was brilliant, nor that this was the best interaction ever. I didn't call. he didn't either. Maybe I can just avoid him for a month until he goes away forever? That is not growth. Big girl.. I am past this. I am. I am over it and it is not awkward and I am over the disappointment and capable of superficial relationships.

I don't have him in my phone anymore... so I'm just not answering 803 numbers.. even if I have the option of the big girl conversation... he still should get voice mailed. because he said FORMAL COURTSHIP. and I was stupid enough to believe him. That other thing will just have to wait.

"The Tards Just Got Married!"

2007-07-27T12:40:00.000-05:00

Courtesy of Dane Cook... will have to amend this point to give you a YouTube reference a bit later. For now you get Bummble-Bee... because I am thinking this is the face I am making... or at least trying to make.

With Bunkles' implementation of a new computer system not going well, I am only too happy to play second fiddle aournd here... if only so as not have anyone wonder what I am doing with my 8+ hours at work. I am spy-girl material and super invisible...You wish you could be cool like me!

Until I got busted drawing a dancing monkey in a meeting that lasted an hour and a half. (I still don't know what it was about) It was on a sticky note to give to the secretary... the Brit (my boss in NY) thinks it is because I am "motivational". He thinks I'm great. He thinks the sun shines out of my bum. I don't fully understand.

... the translation in my head is "disgruntled". also known as "don't give a flying rats behind" further, please see "waiting for offer from consulting firm so I can politely hand you a piece of paper with 2 sentences expressing my notice of resignation".... but I digress. again.

Head-IT guy has spent lots of quality time on my floor this week. Today he tells me that he got married in May. I am not sure what kind of response this was supposed to illicit.

Let me back up and explain IT guy. Textbook IT guy. Body build like Homer Simpson. Sci-fi reading, some formal college but most of his knowledge comes from figuring stuff out. He is fantastic at what he does and is underpaid as he lack formal degree. He lacks social skills. He drives a Saturn. Car. which is worse than other Saturns. If you drive a Saturn... I'm sorry.

Let's clarify... I'm sorry you drive a Saturn.

This time last year he sent me the most obnoxiously big arrangement of flowers. Because I was graduating and my birthday was later that month... and to ask me to go to lunch with him. That got put off and eventually went away. He would pop up and ask me to marry him once a week. I would smile and pull out the Dream Killer as the convenient boyfriend-safety.

IT guy has never had a girlfriend. Never. No relationships with the opposite sex. I'm not saying he hasn't had sex... I frankly don't want to know.

Back to he got married. He bemoans that I was not here for him to sprinkle his good news to me (I was out about April 19th... got back July 2nd). I ask all of the requisite questions that say I am interested.

How did you meet? Online

How long have you been dating? earlier this year (and you got married in may?)

Where are you going to live? I bought a house

What does she do? She is a cashier at the Casino

Are you guys gonna have kids? No. She has 4. 3 of them now live with us, and one is about to start boot camp!

Oh. I couldn't say anything after this enlightening exchange. Bunkles comes behind me and whispers "Close your mouth." because I was just standing there dumb struck.

Really? is this how these things are done? and at what point do you think that this is ok. but maybe, just maybe I am looking at this the whole wrong way. I'm not trying to be "Connie the Judgemental Cow" (how funny it is a literal Cow but implies it is an unhappy type woman)... but really?

I have to give mom big props though. at least my sell out was a PhD and a professor.

oh and here you go for the Connie reference (you may have to click it to really see it). Bunkles has also seen fit to inform me that as I did not get the magic meter (someone beat me to it) I now have a bit of sunshine on Blanca. Which is fitting because it is raining.

Mono Besos (monkey kisses :)

"I know a crack-head!"

2007-07-26T07:57:00.000-05:00

I do.

That is in quotes because I acutally said this to D on the elevator ride this morning. and there were other people on the elevator. and that might not have been the best response to good morning. hmmmm.

So on to my crack-head. I mean like a real whole live person on illegal drugs with the scratching and the tic-ing, hasn't bathed for weeks, lives on the street by choice, been locked up a couple of times...etc. etc.

This is exciting.

I don't remember if I've blogged her at all but here goes. She is generally meandering downtown. She asks me for change and butts into conversations I am having with people I am going to lunch with or talking to with an obnoxious odor and a "Yeah Girl! UH-HUH!" wft?

If I have change I give it to her. If Dk sees me do this he grabs me by the arm and hisses "Do NOT give her any money".... more recently he makes me pay for lunch if I give homeless people money. He has no beef if I give them my to-go food... he will buy me more... but he gets mad at $.

"There are so many churches around... etc. etc."

But then I had to pay a parking ticket. and I got into an elevator at the courthouse downtown... and she got in it also. Completely dressed up! I was so mad I could have spit!

There were other people in the elevator so I just stood and seethed for the duration of the ride. (and I seeth still!)... but then I saw her on the steps of my building this morning (as I leave Blanca at the Magic Meter) and she is dirty and scruffy... and has a new professional haircut....

She is talking to a tree about being locked up... I'm not kidding about that one... She had a whole conversation. With a tree. With a bark . and leaves. and squirrels. Tree. wow.

She is scratching and tic-ing. as I greet the security guards they tell me not to ever give her a dime again... that I work too long and too hard to make what I do (we sign in an out after normal business hours so they know my comings and goings better than my boss) and she was just released from jail for possession and illegal substances and prostitution. and it is sad.

and the realization dawned on me as I hit the elevator... so when D spoke... that is was came out.. "I know a crack head". nice.

I found the MAGIC METER!

2007-07-25T09:55:00.000-05:00

This wonderful mythical creature is on the street outside of my office building and in our reality it is "broken" but in my world it is magic. Because you magically always have 1/2 an hour on it... but if you put more money on it... it gives you more time... it just doesn't dip below 1/2 an hour... so no little rays of sunshine (parking ticket) are forthcoming. yay magic meter. and yay I get here obnoxiously early so I get it 1st.

Yesterday afternoon I got the call from interview... Last interview (which I am told is 'formality' before a real offer is put on the table) is scheduled for Friday. Why would I sit through the last interview if I don't want the actual job?

I don't know... because I am feeling like I don't have ANY other options at this point. Desperation is a scary feeling.

Talking to Malty Milt Head he says "How did it go?" I say "I'm pretty sure I'm going to get an offer, but I am sure I don't want it" and he says "Ok, so don't take it. That was easy... I'm going into a meeting. Have to call you back." But it's not that easy and I didn't have the words to say so. So I just didn't answer when he called back.

Also, talking to DK is noxious. and not good for me. and for whatever reason I don't feel good about anything when I get off the phone with him. Maybe I am just goofy... or maybe nothing about him is good for me. and I think I will wait till he gets home on Saturday to tell him so. after all International calls are supposed to be a big deal and he did ask me not to snip at him over such an expensive call.. ok, but that delays the snip... it does not cancel it out.

He is not stupid, I think he senses it is coming because it is 2 am in London and he formally asks "May I call you tomorrow?" and I say "why? why do you want to call me tomorrow?" He says "to talk to you. and not to have to ask me why I want to call you." That was the wrong answer.

21 year old bartender asked me to go to a frat party on Friday. The situation is funny but I just can't do that. I didn't so much like the Greek parties when I was in college. I went because it was cool to my friends. no more, I think I've just out grown them.

Gearing up for what promises to be an interesting afternoon.

Catharysis

2007-07-24T14:49:00.000-05:00

Just got back from interview... I'm pretty sure I'm going to get an offer... I am 100% sure I don't want it. A few minutes into the interview I wanted to stand up, thank them for their time and run... like hell.

and in those few minutes... and for the next hour and a half... I get it. I've been low balling myself.

I want to get away from the big Blue Bank but not to a worse existence. Not one set of chains for another.

and I really want the consulting job. really really.

Shy is abnormally anxious about it. He called to check in this morning, I tell him again for the 11 billionth time that it is tomorrow. He is anxious because he put a bug in the ear of a higher up at this firm. Great.

So as the pessimist in me says that if I get this, it is not of my own great stuff-ness. nice.

I woke up every hour on the hour dehydrated last night. Not kidding.

2007-07-24T07:45:00.000-05:00

Jaws sent me the pic. I heart these. I might actually wear these. Get it? They are flipper heels... like to make fun of hurrican hit areas that are still not put back together.

All in all yesterday was very fantastic. Michael Ondaatje has a new book out. There was a review by Jhumpa Lahiri... whom I adore... talking about my writer-idol... it's almost too much!

Further I parked a meter behind Bunkles... and didn't put a dime in it... When I left at the end of yesterday I saw the bit of sunshine on Bunkles' glass (i.e. yellow citation envelope)... Whereas I had no sunshine.

Work out was also great... step/abs...2 1/2 rounds of circuit 2 laps on the track. The Mexican is laughing at what he calls my "new found motivation". He says "are you going to Cancun?" Nope that is October and its a maybe. His brilliant summation "It must be a guy"... again negative.

Little bit is writing my beginning triathlon workouts. She broke up with the Pseudo Daydream... I feel bad for her, she w0rked out with us for the 1st time since the break up. and people are talking... so the Mexican, ex Saints player, and even the Bama (miscellaneous reference) and I sort of rally around her... because people are being sh*tty about something that has nothing to do with them. So we make sure she knows we think she is great.

The bad news is that P-day is now more of a man-whore than ever. Equally because he is hurt and angry. He sort of comes over to talk about it but not really. I don't ask... I actually don't want them to tell me, I am the unbiased 3rd party... I heart everybody. as much as she is digging P-day still, Bunny won't even touch this one.

Shy is hitting the gloves with Little Bit... because the rest of us think the Little Bit is angry enough to try to kill us.

Interview today and Part II with the consulting firm tomorrow.

Today's theme: Esthero - Blanket Me In You

The Face of Fashion...

2007-07-23T11:58:00.000-05:00

is freakin scary! or maybe just the face of Versace. Even if it is cutting edge couture... would you trust that face? really?

Today is funny.

Off we go:

1. I am in flats (Pumas to be exact) because bond girl heels do not so much compliment this wicked shin splint I am having. and apparently I have lost a little bit of me (not really weight but mass?) and my pants are longer... and dragging on the floor.... and letting go of their hems. Very sexy. grrr....

2. The analyst who is my arch-nemesis i.e. the Wombat is fat. like crazy fat. like Guinness book of world's records fat. She has recently started to wear shirts that cover her massive bosom. With the roll out of a new process we have lots of higher up help in our building. She is getting many compliments on the new shirt. I sit here and laugh. No one likes the shirt.... they like not being able to see your boobage!

3. Her underling is super conservative little guy who is a couple of years older than me. He was over another department. He was super quiet. Now he sits by me and has developed a personality. Friday he shows up with a mohawk... and today there is a short sleeve button down to go with the mohawk. The Wombat blames me for this. I didn't do it but it is freakin funny.

ok and completely random... honestly I could not make this stuff up if I tried... I just got a phone call at work... this is how it went

guy: Hey, what's up

me: ummm, can i help you

guy: yeah, this g*** what's up

me: ummm, do I know you?

guy: yeah, this g***

me: I don't think I know you, I'm sorry, did you need something? can I help you?

guy: yeah, we met at the Shaw center... downtown, I was calling to talk to you.

me: I'm sorry I don't remember and I don't think I know you. But I'm a little busy right now, can I take your name and number and I will call you back?

guy: that's alright, I'll just talk to you later.

WEIRD.

Further weird because 1) how did he get my work number... plus all of the bureaucracy that protects me from having to speak to people... 2) who the f**k is he? 3) no offence, but his vernacular was not indicative of the sort of guy who would feel like they had 1/2 a shot in hell with me!

As I relay the call to my Cubby pals (to go with the new cubicles that replace psuedo offices)... Mohawk says: do you go to the Shaw Center?

To which I say "all the time! I've seen so much stuff there, there is the LSU gallery and Tsunami is there too. I've eaten there a bunch!"

Mohawk replies "apparently you've had a little bit to drink there also". Mohawk has jokes. I'm am loving the new personality that comes with too much gel.

Dk got knocked the f*ck out!

2007-07-23T07:46:00.000-05:00

I am really not laughing at this. I'm really not. Promise.

But the situation is not really new, now is it?

For those of you who have known Dk for a sizable amount of time... we all remember those Saturday/ Friday morning conversations with the illustrious Dream killer of "What did you do last night?" with the standard response of "Went out in Tiger Land, got into a fight... I knocked him out..." blah blah blah.

Then that got moved up to the late Thursday / Friday night calls of "What are you doing? ummmm I was in a fight and I got hit and I think I'm going to die...." blah blah blah.

Best case scenario I would be able to tell you that he has matured over the years and no longer feels the need to exert his male dominance.... Which would be true except for the last time he got into a brawl with his BFF and got maced by a security guard. He calls me in the middle of the night and I let it go to voice mail. Harsh but he'll learn.

and for a long time he did...

Except for the Saturday morning call of .... "uhhhh, so me and Grant and 2 girls were going to have dinner at our program director's house when we got jumped by 10 guys! I had money and both of my cell phones in my jacket pocket... which they ripped off of me and took... and Grant and I were gonna try to take them but were were protecting the girls... and they scream 'F*ck Americans!' and hit me over the head with a pipe... and that is the last thing I remember...." He woke up with a busted lip and blood all over a really nice shirt, etc. etc.

and shockingly no one else got hurt. hmmmm. I'm not saying I don't believe him (ok, I don't believe him... but I did not SAY I didn't believe him), but it is a bit suspect. I did however make all of the requisite coo-ing noises.

However it happened, it does suck that it happened the last week before he comes home. He has finals on Wednesday and flies home on Sunday-ish. He is further telling me that someone in his class gave him a calling card so he will call me but a little less frequently... to which I ask "are you sure you don't want to call your umm parents or siblings instead?" I.e. anyone who still believes this sh*t but me?

To which he counters "You have to be nice to me, this is an INTERNATIONAL CALL (boy did that line get old!) and plus I am bleeding!"

Fine. Poor Baby.

Please refer to the pic... It's a Toadal Knockout... Sorry, I couldn't help myself.

In defence of Church.

2007-07-22T08:52:00.000-05:00

You may have noticed my brand new toy. It is the Stimulated Boredom website and something I found while listening to live 365 at work. (because Internet radio is supposedly blocked :)

Let me preface this with while I do not agree with everything the illustrious Dana-jock says... I think he usually has an intelligent and well thought out position. and it makes my day a little less mind numbing to consider someone else's point of view... and counter it in my head.

It also spawned conversation with the Malty Milt Head who is, of his own admission, a dirty Catholic. It is odd that the evil capitalist is so superstitious and yet so Catholic. He goes to mass every Sunday and really lives the bit about giving and charity etc. etc. Not to say he gets it all right, but he tries and I contend that this is all any of us can do.

He has also said before that my faith (I am a Hindu) lends itself to a certain mysticism which is evident in my writing. (not like blogging but actual WRITING). The jury is out on this one.

But as I listen to an old set of debated... the existence of God parts I and II, I am intrigued, delighted and amused at the mere mortals self-importance of thinking their faith or lack there of affects anyone but themselves. and here we come to the meat of today's post...

I believe in God. I do. Being Hindu, while we have religious texts (I guess you can say they are akin to the Bible) there is the over-arching idea that they are the abstract ideas of God given as inspiration. The verbage, the actual writing is a human endeavor. God does not so much pick up his Mont Blanc and send memos to the masses.

So the debate on the existence of God is also that it is at odds with science. Does anyone remember the series of articles late last year by the Wall Street Journal on why more and more hard core scientists have come back to faith in God? It was quite good. But I digress.

The further challenge was Kirk Cameron (Mike Sever-Growing Pains) said he would prove beyond a shadow of a doubt that God existed with out using the Bible. Brave I would say. Want to know what the basis of his argument was? The 10 Commandments. Needless to say, he was quickly picked apart like string cheese.

So I sit and sift through trust agreements and I think about this. Friday morning I was too lazy to park 3 blocks away and take the trek to work. Nor did I have change for a meter or a $5 to park somewhere else. Because I know I will not get a ticket, and no one gets towed from Church, I pulled into the back parking lot of a beautiful cathedral. The people that work there are super cool. If they are having a function during the day- they put out a sign and we all respect it.

But that got me thinking about the things I have benefited from by means of Church in recent memory:

1. You can not get towed from Church
2. They provide food for homeless people. Especially downtown where there are lots of Churches, there is no reason that someone with no job is not getting fat off of 3 meals a day!
3. They provide classes and programs for all of the little kids around that area, who don't have much adult involvement.
4. When studying for something, the best place to go is Christ the King off of Campus. Even is no one is there, there is nun who opens the study rooms and brings you free coffee if you want it. It is air conditioned, heated, and most importantly QUIET
5. Then there is the whole community and fellowship aspect of it. Kudos to them.

That's what I got so far. I'm sure I will have more but this is what it is now. and looking at that, it occurs to me, whether or not you are Christian, whether or not you believe 110%, You have to acknowledge that we are better off as an aggregate whole to have this institution somewhere near us. Because it is so voluntary and requires nothing of you. You give out of respect, yes... even I ante up when Tourettes drags me to Church.

She whispers "it's my church, you don't have to do that" but my take is... it is the house of God. The God. and I would do it anywhere else I saw or felt God.

Maybe the amusement comes from seeing people look for a literal God. And I reflect on Gibran's conception of being able to give charity with open hands and closed eyes... not needing the self serving bit of knowing where it goes or who knows you gave it... and having that be a reflection not of your good deed, but truly giving with the eyes of God. and I think that looking for the "universe creation factories" requires a lot of energy that a lot of people will regret when they come to know the purpose of their lives.

I do however fervently agree with Dana assertion that really questioning your faith does either strengthen it to something worth having. or settle you in a different way.

Jumping off my soap box know, before I look overly zealous and no one talks to me anymore :)

also...later post. The dream killer got mugged and beaten up in London on Friday. that's not funny, don't laugh.

what's your story?

2007-07-20T08:09:00.000-05:00

So I'm listening to NPR on the way in this morning (SHUT UP! It's science Friday.) and there is a recording of a woman's story about growing up with epilepsy and the way people reacted to her seizures during her childhood. It is part of an on-going community art project where people go into these special booths and record a story. They are housed at the library of congress and I imagine there is an archive on NPR's website.

As I listen, I wonder... what would our defining story be? What would you talk about in a booth that gives the impression of privacy and the vague promise of anonymity... and you have one shot to go as long as you want. What would it be?

I think maybe it would be like a verbal blog? like what I do here but talking about it. and you would want to pick something that you really want to express as it is not unlimited and you want someone to listen. I think. hmmm dunno.

Today promises to be a good one. Blanca comes out the shop next week. JB is making dinner for me tonight. and the new shoes and I ran on Wednesday to great results. It was yesterday that was physically not so good.

As you recall the goal for the end of this year is to get into vigorous training schedule for triathalon for next year. I'm not saying I will be able to do the damn thing... as mommiey points out "you have issues... real limiting issues. You can't train and stop, you have to be consistent as an athlete to do these things (mom used to be a runner) but you as a person have to stop when your body tells you to."

argh.

Wednesday was the 1st day back in the gym from last Wednesday. With therapy the workouts have been spotty. So 1st day back was a beast... Anti-gravity class (think the total gym machine) abs for 1/2 an hour, then 2 rounds of circuit and a mile on the track. and I was still able to walk after. not bad.

Today is circuit and 2 laps on track. Maybe we'll see how the 4.2 miles of the lakes do this weekend. plus I have new tape to wrap my knee under the brace :)

The only other thing I have is no more posting Bama. We're done there. No issues. I wasted too much thought on someone not worth it. my bad.

oh and I love A-rod. Since the Ken Griffy days with the Mariners... but maybe leaving the yankees? my favoritest team ever? really... and the cheating on his wife (insert horrified-shocked-saddened expression that was mixed with no surprise what so ever!). grrrr.

I do like the fans making fun of him with the masks though. C'mon that is freakin funny.

"Plays Well With Others"

2007-07-19T07:46:00.000-05:00

That is me. Or at least it will be.

It is on a shirt and I guess I should buy the shirt.

Further, the Malty Milt Head is a fantastic asset for me to have. He happened to call on the day of interview with uber-awesome consulting firm in my city. He is beside himself that he called on THAT day. We schedule debriefing coffee for post-interview. Speaking of coffee... I have great coffee today. I bought it in a specialty shop in New Orleans.... for $10 for a tiny bag it had better be amazing! it is.

So yesterday I get the call to have 2nd interview with hiring manager. which the MMH is convinced it is due to the serendipitous event of HIM calling ME. Usually if we lose each other for months at a time, it is me that drops the call or text of "How are you, whatcha doing? Tell me you still exist and schedule some face time so I remember what you look like!"

Further, his stance of "let's work on you and figure out what was up with the 'no'" may have started to pay off. This is the guy who owned his own company and sold it, then moved to VP of a telecom company, then pharmaceuticals... rounded out with medical equipment. His parents both have PhDs and chastise his mere Masters. (I should be so lucky to have such a problem).

He has been staffer and head cheese in many many powerful situations, so his criticisms are useful. and as he knows Bond and the extent to which I need to be handled with kid gloves.

But in some ways I can see the progress. Even from the superstitious weirdo.

His further analysis of consulting firm is that the last interview is to make sure I play well with others. His great big sage advice "THINK BEFORE YOU OPEN YOUR MOUTH!!!!! PLEASE FILTER!!!! NO JUST WINGING IT!!!' and when (i say if) I get this job... he is paying for obnoxious dinner.

and how great would it be if we could schedule it between the 5 days that separate our birthdays. Did I tell you that Bunny's is 2 days after mine? We are trying to do Destin for that weekend.

I heart Bunny. She mailed me an encouragement card and I did a goofy dance at the mail box.

also, had quarterly review at work yesterday... apparently I ROCK on paper... so they would get the benefit of a 2 week notice. :)

oh and MMH sent me this as our horror-scope today.

The smiles that people will be giving you today will carry a slightly more risque message than 'Hi, how ya doing?' -- there is a lot of flirtatious energy around you today, and romance is most definitely favored. All this attention will leave you feeling good and ready to move a relationship to the next level. It's time to stop beating around the bush and tell that certain someone what you are feeling. They have been waiting for you to make the first move for a while. -

.......right.... today's theme DjMark - 111bpm - Maroon 5 - Makes me Wonder because I like this version.

Indecisive Squirrels Get No Sympathy.

2007-07-18T09:31:00.001-05:00

Let me go ahead and explain that. Driving somewhere with someone a squirrel ran into the road and I hit the brakes. He stopped in the middle of the road, I stopped in the middle of the road. He faked left, I eased off the gas... he faked right, I hit the brakes. Whoever was next to me said "GO! What are you waiting for?" I say "I'm not going to hit him!"

He says... "ok, K... yes we love all of the bunnies and fluffy creatures of the world... BUT INDECISIVE SQUIRRELS GET NO SYMPATHY! If he doesn't have the good sense to get out of the road, hit him!"

I disagree. The Squirrel does not understand the concept of the road and cars. He should not be persecuted for our need to get somewhere 20 seconds sooner.

...more later.

... Here's more : Jessica Simpson should not speak.

this is a quote from an article where she is discussing her big rack and small bum. I will grant that things can get taken out of context... but really?

I dress for men," admits Jess, whose dad-manager-string puller Joe once famously observed of her double-Ds, "You can't cover those suckers up!" "I dress for men and myself. If I'm dressing for men, then I know it's good for myself!"

She can sing... but like much of the celebrity world... she just should not speak. I just don't have the patience to expound upon the 18 things wrong with that statement.

Pending: part II

Just because something smacks of "Daddy Issues"...

2007-07-16T08:29:00.000-05:00

doesn't make it not true.

This is a good one.

Do you have issues with your parents/the way you were raised? I contend that most of us do in some form or fashion.

Has anyone sought to analyse you over what they think they know of your "situation"? I contend most of us have.

Does the opposite sex seek to explain your approach towards (non) relationship with them on the basis of those issues? Or bring it up in an argument? I further submit that this is something that is a textbook kidney punch... and illegal to boot.

Right, so my parents divorced when I was young. I don't remember any of it, I was young. But it was apparently messy and ugly and my dad was a bad bad man. He is now dead and I never knew him. He remarried and has a whole other family that I have never met and do not feel the need to. He did not want my sister or I, he never made an effort. Mom over compensated for lack of dad... my sister is the one with daddy issues.

I have heard several times over the years, in what purported to be adult romantic relationships that I have issues with it. I do not so much think so. I had surrogate relationship with mom's older brother. He was father-figure. My sister, Kris, had another uncle who happens to be the worst person ever. So she choose badly from jump.

It truly has never been an issue. Except Shy jabs that it is. He further says he is not pressing the issue and one day I will talk about it. Over the weekend I say "you're full of it, bring it!"

Shy: I say you have issues because you do not talk about him at all.
K: Because there is nothing to talk about

Shy: I think it is because it is painful
K: No, I'm pretty sure I would know if it was.

Shy: We don't have to talk about this now.
K: Let's. Let's talk about it, so we don't ever have to do this again.

Shy: Did you love him?
K: No. there was nothing to love. There was nothing in him specifically or specially for me.

OMG!

Why does that last line of conversation look familiar? Because it has been my reason for saying no in a couple of situations. Wow. spell it backwards... wow.

Flashback to JB who has known me too well for too long. Countered with Happy Drunk Ken Doll because they have conflicting ideas of my approach to relationships.

JB: 1. Says I have been a jerk to some really great guys (ok, so she is right) and that I sort of squash them with my expectation. and that I expect them to do back flips through rings of fire. (maybe when I was younger. I've grown up a lot!)

HDKD: calls me McMahon. I.e. Chris McMahon who falls in love every other day... and out of love the very next day. He says I get happy puppy to quickly and then countdown to when I cannot stand said person. But the minute the "relationship" is off the table, I think that might have been the greatest person ever.

So maybe he has a point also.

After all, your friends know you on what you do, what you say, and what they see.

So bringing it all together... I talked to the Dream Killer yesterday who is back in London from Amsterdam. and he says he is considering spending next spring studying abroad in London and next summer in Brazil. I say "rock on". He is under the impression this would be devastating to me (the reality of it was that I was watching TV and only 1/2 listening).

But he picks a fight because he was expecting me to say "no, don't go! stay here, You have a reason to stay here... ME!" ummmm nope. why? because there is nothing in there for me. He "wants" relationship but doesn't have it in him to humble himself ... nor will he ever be able to afford the ring it would take (not that to marry it would take a massive ring... but we have history and he's messed up too many times. It would take a sick nasty diamond FROM HIM).

Further he says that he calls so much because he thinks I have abondonment issues. That he is reassuring me that he is coming home. Really? I thought it was because you lost all emotion minus residual loyalty from me because you pitched for a relationship while trying to sleep with nasty trailer park "bohemian" trash, and you are trying to somehow make up for that.

ugh. I had a point. what happened to it?

here is the today's theme. Only because it is on repeat.

Sophie Ellis Bextor - Music Gets The Best Of Me

Beautiful Backhands.

2007-07-13T08:14:00.000-05:00

So literally that is the back of some one's hand. With Henna on it. and you thought I was going to go for the uber-obvious tennis pic. Imagination, people.

Yesterday was weird.

I have new running shoes. I got them from an uber-specialty running shop that analyses the way you walk/ run and finds the perfect shoes for you. The ones I got are by Brooks. They were $120 w/tax and they are ugly. But they feel amazing. I have had the same shin splint that feels like a fracture for almost a month. It was time to change the shoes because I am still working out on it. I have never spent that much on athletic shoes. Mom chimes in w/ "really? because I've spent more than that on your sporting/leisure equipment!"

So we'll see if these things are worth it. As they are un-becoming I will certainly only wear them to work out it (shallow I know... and I tried so hard to pick cuter ones... but they didn't fit/feel the same). Below are my shoes.

Back-handedness... Out of the mouth of a woman I know superficially at my place of work "What are you still doing here? This job is beneath you, you are too talented, too experienced, too good for this ... blah blah"

She ambushed me at the water fountain. I said something like "I know, I'm looking. For a while this job allowed me to do all of the other things etc.." But the sad truth is that she is right. and my boss and I had a battle of wills this week. Which was stupid on her part. Why? because she got her bum handed to her when I was out for 9 weeks. Another peer is about to have some surgery and she will be out for 6-8 weeks.

My ideal situation would be to quit the day my peer leaves. and my new boss will be up a creek. and I will forget that she exists.

The battle came over my non-schedule. I come and go as I please. You get 8 hours plus out of me. I am the best at what I do and I help my other people. If you want to drop me into a structured 8-5... go ahead but you just shot yourself in the foot. How did she over look that she needs me? no matter, much like a guy who fails to behave himself, I will not tell you what you should know. you will know it when you don't have it. ugh.

Mr. Working on his Masters in Philosophy is going to have a child. With a girl he has dated for 2 months-ish. Weird. Not an ideal circumstance, but he is going to be a great father. and I look around and think I am ready to be open to a relationship and get to a point where a baby is a possibility...but I don't know what I would do if I had just baby. I guess I'd figure it out as I went along.

Ick. goofy disjointed post. Also, got a call-back from big consulting firm about a Corporate Training Co-ordinator. I could do that. Now I just need Bunkles to tell me what he does (that is what he does for my company). He's coming in early to have coffee w/me.

I am so ready for something good to happen. Also, I feel like Shy is my big test in life. He offered me a job working for him. I do not want to work for him. He puts $50K on the table, 1/2 of it being a non-taxed check. To be office manager of a dialysis center he is trying to get up and running. But I can't. He is my friend on a good day and an acquaintance when he shows his bum. That does not mix well w/ a professional relationship. Even for $50K. I haven't given the official no but I know better than to take the devil's offer.

You guys can email your thoughts on this... I'm in massive need of guidance.

I approach "friendly debates" like competing on Survivor.

2007-07-12T12:18:00.000-05:00

1. I am in it to win...

2. I will be patient for as long as it takes.

3. I will Outwit, Outplay and Outlast (TM)

4. I can concede the battle but not the war

bring it Bee-otch! (yeeeeeaaaaahhhh bumblebee!)

case in point, I am a day late on the David Vitter (U.S. R. Senator from LA) info. I saw it on MSNBC yesterday and laughed until I cried. I am 2 days late on posting.

I laughed until I cried because Jenny Bear helped out with his campaign. She was uber-committed and politically backing of this douche. When we lived together our routine consisted of Saturday morning coffee while washing clothes... before Tourettes woke up hung-over from Friday night.

Coffee was usually several hours of talking about everything under the sun. Lot of politics as well... with a background rumble of cartoons (for ambiance).

I take no issue with Vitter, but I did sort of cock my head to the side over his "Family Values" platform and strong righteousness. I'm not saying I don't believe in those things. I do. But if a public figure wears this as his super-hero cloak... note 2 things:

* You better believe it 110%

* and you better live it 110%

Meaning you do not get to do anything wrong EVER! why? Because you look like the worst sort of slimy politician... because you were supposed to be the good guy. If not EVEN you can get it right, we are all f*cked.

Our further battle to the death was the proposed bill that banned same sex marriages. Ok, I said it was a long time ago. The issue I took with the stands of politicians was a religious bias. I argued from the stance of "We live in America, we have a separation of Church and State. You can feel strongly anti-same sex marriage... but argue it without bringing Christianity into it and tell me why it's wrong. The idea of marriage that is controversial is an institution recognized by the state. It is separate from what the Church recognizes which the state can not outlaw and the church doesn't have to recognize. People still live in union..."

Enter Vitter to put his foot in his mouth. How sacred are those vows he righteously upheld? and the is the apology now because he suddenly feels bad, or he suddenly got caught? hmmmm.... where was the askance of forgiveness when he smited his marriage?

hee hee.

So I talk to JB today.... and she says "I was waiting for you to call me. Ok you got THIS ONE, but you are still backing Jindal and he's a Republican too, so I won that one." hee hee.

Also, the bribe taking- Urkel looking Cleo Fields is running again for State Senate as the incumbent.... so the Politician won't be getting that one. Here is hoping I'm wrong on that one. I will still support and back him.. but a little quieter and more demurely.... he is after all running against an incumbent.

Idealism is expensive.

2007-07-11T13:24:00.000-05:00

I think it may be the most expensive trait I encompass. Even more so than petulance, shoe fetishes or being a mini snob. Mini because I can not afford to be a big-girl snob. So I've retaliated by being Bond Girl on a Budget. Very super hero like... very super heroine looking... but today my entire outfit was massively on sale at the Banana Republic.

and yet...

So I need a new job. I am still aggressively b*tch slapping sites w/my resume. The hits are coming, slow at times, then in spurts... then offers I cannot afford to take. Or the no from progressive and Pfizer which was uncharted territory.

Talking to Dk (yes I am now talking to him. 4 times a day. He calls 4 times a day. every day. it's hard to stay that mad for that long!) he says "really? offers you CAN'T AFFORD to take, really K? Dramatic much?"

no. and i resent the implication.

I did get a hit that made me sit right up. Coordinator for a new non-profit initiative to promote literacy in my parish (think county) as a test and ultimately state-wide school system. Whoa! I want it. Yes, please. Now, please.

I got this nibble from the local government and based on teaching for JA and other stuff. Very exciting. So what the problem is?

I will tell you and then we will have a deafening moment of silence for how broke I am about to be.

It is under the umbrella (brella...brella. I hate that song) of the AmeriCorps. This job is a full time position for appx. $11,000 for the 1 year commitment. F*CK. ohhh and at the end you get a 4,500 stipend to go towards educational expenses. Basically Loans or Tuition.

I am going to be sick.

Bianca quips "No, you are about to be a weekend bar-tender." I give her an EDS to which she snickers and says "You are too passionate about this. You have already talked yourself into it. You and that goofy bleeding heart". ugh.

Dream Killer's take? He is about to be a law clerk for the Dept of Insurance and still getting student loans. He looks like a slimy weasely-snake hissing "I look really good to you right now, don't I?"

ummm. no. no you do not.

Mr. Johnny Walker.. he looks like a prince among men.

I am further saddened by this as I get ready for work this morning and imagine how much I could cut my expenses and how little I could live on. I remember the days when my hand lotion (Clarins) was a luxery. Like the only way I got it was because my mommy would feel sorry for me and take to to a department store make up counter and buy me stuff.

Today I am a Decepticon... Specifically Starscream.

2007-07-10T14:28:00.000-05:00

and new starscream too... with all of his dreams of grandeur.

why Decepticon you ask? even though i thoroughly heart the BumbleBee

Because I cheated on my girlfriend and she kind of knows... and she threatened to stab me in the hand with a pen if she gets confirmation that I cheated.

Wow the explanation of that one sentence is going to be too long. Off we go.

During Bunny and I's date, it was after work and I'd worn a dress. She went home after work so she showed up comfortable in jeans. So people at the restaurant kind of thought we were together. Which was funny. So when we saw people we knew and they came to say "hi" she offered "between K and I, I am the girl in this relationship because I called it 1st!" rat bastard.

So weeks later Bianca and I are having dinner at the same restaurant and I tell that story. and finish with "so between you and I, if people think we are together I get to be the girl because I called it!"

So her birthday was yesterday. B-day dinner got pushed to earlier movie and then dinner tonight. The movie is Transformers. A while ago she made me promise to see it with her. I said sure. and I meant to wait...

but then on the 4th of July.... it was rainy... and Tourettes called early in the morning with tickets... and Bianca was out of town... and I was weak.

On the phone today we are picking the time, and out of the blue she says "YOU'VE SEEN IT! I can hear it in your voice!" to which I promptly respond "NO! why would you say that?"

because I am the best liar in the world.

and by best I mean the only way I could be worse would be if there was a ticker above my head that allowed you to read my thoughts.

To which she says "ok, but if I get the slightest inkling that you have seen it, you see this pen... I will stab you in the hand with this pen"

I say "which pen?" get it? we were on the phone.

Right. so going to see the transformers again, and still very very excited.

Is dating a married man like buying a fake Fendi?

2007-07-07T20:44:00.000-05:00

That is a serious question. I foresee this post being a bit disjointed. I shall try to connect the dots as quickly as possible.

and at some point... most young ladies actually have to settle the question with themselves... Would you date a married man?

For me that would not be the question... Mine would be... What do you hope to get out of this? and is it different than philosophy you go into dating anyone with? I contend that it is.

It comes up as Tourettes has a new roommate. A girl she has know forever and ever. I met her a couple of weeks ago and I take no issue with her. I tell Tourettes so and she is ECSTATIC, because apparently people do not so much warm up to Febreeze (as I so dub her!). After yesterday, I see why.

She has lost her mother and long-time boyfriend both recently. Mom to terminal cancer. Ex-boyfriends is terminally an a*shole. She is 30 (?) and an accountant type person. She has small hands and feet. Like a rat. She is the 1st Puerto Rican I've ever met with a VERY southern accent. It just doesn't make sense. She is domestic, Tourettes needs that. She is nice enough... She has a "sugar daddy" as she calls him, who is her ex-boyfriend. He is very married and has been since the day she met him.

I agreed to an adult version of a slumber party. It sucked. It was lots of drama. I remember these being better. I left early.

I follow Febreeze around as she is neurotically cleaning. I help. She says the house cannot look like this when her "man" comes over. I say, trying to be tactful, "oh, so things are working out with you and the ex?" no. "So you are seeing someone new?" nope. "err?"

Intro "sugar daddy". She explains that while he is married, it is not his fault that he cheats... he's in an arranged marriage. That he divorced the love of his life for, because his parents did not approve. Everyone loves him, he's very charming, he's such a sweetheart and (here is the cherry on the cake) once upon a time she thought it would be awful being the OTHER WOMAN but it's really not that bad.

That's funny. It kind of looks like he has no balls and you have no self respect/esteem.

I don't want to be judgemental. I really don't. But really?

I ask if she thinks she will ever marry. She says she does not want to and what is the point. She cites LA's common law marriage laws as proof of her legitimacy without a license. Yes, but if someone else has said license over him... you aren't entitled to squat. Even if he pays your rent for over a year.

Now I am trying to wrap my head around is what she is getting out of the arrangement. Want to know what it is? Dinner. and sometimes a he pays for things like a hair cut.

Granted dinner is Ruth's Chris, Sullivan's and Primo's (all really nice restaurants here). So you are sinning your soul, shredding your reputation, and creating a situation that perpetually makes you feel bad about yourself for better food?

Most guys you meet who want to take you out will take you to the best place within their means. So this is not special. Plus we all have a certain something..... what is it?..... what do they call it?... how do you say it in this language?.....

Oh yeah, IT'S CALLED A MUTHA F*CKIN JOB... FOR WHICH YOU GET PAID IN US DOLLARS!

So, I leave Febreeze and take my wine back to the couch and fill my not-going-to-get-me-in-trouble-mouth with cheese, crackers, apples and caramel. all at once. Tourettes is laughing at me. She says "You have to remember... She is fat. This is the best she thinks she is ever going to do"

Here's where the Fendi comes in. I currently do not own a Fendi bag, nor a Prada. One day I will but for today it is beyond my means (at least the the one I would want). I am trying to be more educated, more qualified and higher up on the pay scale so that I may be able to afford such a thing. If I marry well and the hubby is able to provide such a thing, cheers.

In the face of lack of Fendi, I have seen lots of fakes. lots. But I don't want a fake cheap purse. Even if no one else knows it is fake, I would know. I am also not willing to spend the chicken feed I make on such a thing and be able to do things like put gas in my car. so the big girl decision is "not yet on the Fendi".

Is Febreeze's non-relationship with a married man like buying a fake Fendi? A real relationship being the actual designer bag? Is it settling for something that looks a hell of a lot like the real thing... without the most essential things that make it legitimately worth having?

and in the face of selling herself for stuff... when it all comes down to it... if all you had was the real Fendi bought by a married man... would it be worth it? When everyone you know doesn't respect you because of your public non-relationship... how good does that bag really look?

Back to this compared to dating. Is it not the same as "dating" a man for where he takes you and what he buys you? Gold-digging as it were. That is wrong too. But the married thing makes it worse. He has a wife and 2 kids. If he is a Sh*t of a man then you are replaceable. Yes, if not you, then it would be someone else. Even if it is you, it is not only you and the next one gets younger and prettier. You are helping him to disrespect the idea and ideal of family. and if you don't think he chooses them over you... he does it everyday. By staying married.

Summation. I take no over-arching issue with Febreeze. What she does or does not do is her business. But I do not respect her. and I don't see us being best buds... and I don't think I'd spend lots of time in public with her either. How does the saying go? Lay down with dogs, get up with fleas? The married man is Arabic. I have known of him for years. I don't respect him either. But he has picked up my tab in better bars out of a kind of respect. He thinks I would tell his wife. I don't think enough of either of them to do such a thing.

I'm still holding out for the real Fendi. with all of the legitimacy it implies.

Blue Crushes all around...or Blue Hawiians...whichever

2007-07-04T21:35:00.000-05:00

You must be 18 to serve alcohol.

You must be 21 to consume alcohol (and buy lottery tickets. and cigarettes?)

You must be 21 to flirt with me.

You must be 24 to take me out.

You must be at least 26-ish to be taken serious by me.

So those last couple are kind of tentative. :)

I say this in light of few recent events. 1st of TRANSFORMERS WAS AWESOME! I don't remember the last time I was in a movie theater transfixed and clapping like a child. I thoroughly enjoyed it. Tourettes threatened to sit on me if I didn't shut up. So what, she weighs like 2 lbs. I can take her.

As we leave she says "That was so great... I feel like we should have an adventure! Or just lunch." We had lunch.

But... I have drinks tentatively scheduled for tomorrow evening... with a 21 year old bartender. This is not good. I said yes because I really wanted to say no. But this is how we are to have experience and stop being awkward. Yes? ok, I have no idea.

Coffee this morning yielded the girlies and I talking about patterns. Patterns in our lives, our mistakes, our decisions. and how to change such things. Lemon may have been a repeat of another guy who tried to date me. Super sweet and I kind of didn't recognize how special it was. Because it is. Or I just didn't know what to do with it.

So you promise yourself that next time you will be different the next time, and then it comes back... and you do the same thing. Crazy right?

Intro bartender. Bartender at a restaurant/bar that I've been dragged to a good couple of times in the past couple of months. He is always sweet sweet. He makes me cool stuff and entertains me when I do not want to talk to anyone else at the bar. The last time I was there he asked for my #. I took his instead (which means I'm not going to call. Eventually I will call a # I have been given... it just hasn't happened yet). He puts his # in my phone... and calls himself. So now he has my #. Very good.

I deleted his #. He just hasn't been around long enough to earn a permanent place (like my phone is permanent... do know how many I've been through in the last year?!)

But he texts. He's cool. He's in summer school. This does not look good. I didn't know he was 21 until I'd already agreed to have drinks. But I am still going to go... if only to get used to the idea... and learning to be open and comfortable with myself. (ohhhh I sound like a loser!)

Which oddly enough is why I had lunch with the 22 year old. How did I miss that he was not that cute? Scotch. That was how. The night I met him, Scotch was my best friend. He showed up at the Olive garden in shorts, tee shirt, and flip flops. After expressing for several days how much he looked forward to this. No, that looks like you are a slob. That is what it looks like. It also looks like lack of effort.

Yes I acknowlege I am spoiled. And what makes it worse is that not even retardo Dream Killer can say he doesn't know how to behave himself. He changed his cell to an international plan and bought a cheaper cell in London to call me 4 times a day every day. Yes guys know how to pursue a prize and don't ever let me hear you say differently.

The conversation was cool but it was evident that we were just on different wave lengths. He's never been to college and is fiercely proud of being a "blue collar" worker. There is nothing wrong with that. But he brought much ex-girlfriend issues to the table. literally. Which looks out of place for a 1st date and also looks like it is not my problem. So no more him.

My friends try to pass it off as he is young and he doesn't know any better. Which is cool. It is not like I told him that I would never answer the phone when he calls again. I did politely thank him for lunch. But the experience itself was good.

But yeah... we are about to have one more parameter for saying no... age. who knew I would get the young ones? What's up with that? It's not like I get the option of Floridian surfers ;) like some people.

I am a techno- idiot.

2007-07-03T16:15:00.000-05:00

...otherwise known as ... "Come back, Michael...come back..."

Did my words look like were fading away... they were supposed to. With 'I love youuuuuuu' whispered at the end.

So one of the big changes as my workplace is that internet radion/tv/streaming media has been blocked. Or just the big ones. Like YouTube and Pandora. Or maybe just YouTube and Pandora. Now I seek other ways to amuse myself. and have successfully found internet radio/TV/and streaming media.

I found a jazz/big band/standards radio station which was cool. It has a link to Michael Buble's website, which I like. I click. he sings.

I bounce around to "Everything" and sigh to the beginning of something else... and I somehow managed to mis-click... because now there is silence.

And I am pouting at the computer screen. Because I am sure it is his fault (this moniter has never liked me). So Plan A was pout and stare until the sound of Michael's voice came back.

Oddly enough, that isn't going really well.

Plan B was to try to fix it myself. As I am still locked out of all internal computer systems, I figure 'How much harm can I really do?'

Plan C is to suck it up and ask an IT guy. But then I would have to admit that I am just spreading the papers around to look like I did something. No, we cannot do that.

Plan B it is.

Please work, please please please.

Update: I pulled the plug out of the wall. plugged back in and turned computer back on. It works now :)