Friday to Friday

In not even the span of 1 week the Dream Killer has managed to show his bum. Before Tuesday's reception- JB was late and Bunny bailed completely... he was waiting with me and got handed my phone to give her directions (I am bad with directions). After she hangs up he scrolls through my recent calls. He see his friend and says "Engineer? Like my engineer?" and I say something like "Yours, mine, who really keeps track". He'd also been hinting about him earlier in the week.

So I think I blogged when I ran into Engineer. We had dinner that night, and coffee a week later. We talk occassionally, and I got to have the a**hole conversation of "I'm not trying to date you, so stop calling so much" and because Engineer is a prince among men, it went well. I haven't seen him in a couple of weeks at least. My surmission (?) is that someone DK knows saw us somewhere and saw fit to tell him (I hate how small my city feels sometimes). I don't have to explain this to DK. Especially since the break up was at least 2 years ago. Now it's probably more like 2 1/2, suffice it to say it was a long time ago.

Dk and I spat. I forgive. We are cool. Wednesday he calls to formally ask me to the Barrister's Ball... I have brand new ball gown that hasn't been worn anywhere. I say yes. and then have to pull out of a bowling tournament (much to the response of Bunkles trying to throw a keyboard at me). The worst was the little Momma who pulled out the EDS. At me even! I say "I'm sorry" and she says "I'm not upset you aren't bowling... I am angry because he does not deserve you." oh.

Yesterday I saw Dk- He was to have dinner w/a girl I know from like 3rd grade. He explains it as he was helping her w/ a campaign for something or other - and this was her thank you. I don't care. He was "tired" from studying all night. Ok.

But I get home and get a call from the Engineer. Calling to make sure I am alright. I say "yes of course, why wouldn't I be?" Apparently Wednesday night DK left a drunk message on Engineer's phone. Lots of slurring but my name was clear as a bell. nice. Engineer calls back and DK does not answer the phone. so business as ususal. I am not going to address it with him, there is no need to.

Now I don't want to go to the ball. Countdown to the blow up. I wonder if it will come before the ball, or even then. How wonderful to have such a reliable card trick.

and just the other day I was happy because he was safe and comfortable. or he's still and a**hole. whatever.

The other call I got was that Tourette's grandmother died. She doesn't want to talk about it... which never happens. So I will try to spend this evening sitting next to her. and being whatever she needs.

Cingular Sucks.

My phone alarm went off at 5:30 this morning. It looked early and dark so I stayed in bed. When the sun came up I looked at my phone again...7. Sh*t. I showered and tried to calm my hair down. Grabbed my stuff and ran out the door.

I got to work and had a stupid email from my boss about leaving at 522 instead of 530 yesterday. ummmm yeah... I'm not going to be here much longer. So my phone says that I got here about 835, and I have to leave at 9 to be at St. Joe's by 915... so I used the time to pull the last little stuff together for my class.

I bump into boss and tell her I responded to her email. I tell her technically I am not here... She looks at the clock and says "But it's 8 o'clock, I thought you were leaving at 9".

Apparently Cingular is the only cell phone company that saw fit to jump the gun, so to speak. So what magical productive task will I do with the hour I have gifted myself with? Breakfast. Peace out.

Don't expect me to lie for you.

and if you don't tell me, don't expect me to know that I am supposed to be covering for you. But back to the title line, don't expect that I would lie for you, considering I don't even lie for me. Why? Because if you are depending on my lie to save your butt... we are all going to jail. Even if we haven't done anything to warrant jail, that is where we are going. and we will be sitting next to each other with you mad at me. But I told you. I don't lie well, and I certainly can't lie for other people.

So had work yesterday. Then gym. Then sick in the parking lot because my tummy is still messed up. Bunny bought me a Sprite and sat with me until I stopped gagging. I guess I pushed too hard and I'm already stressed. Maybe I ate too late? The Race for the Cure is Sat so no gym today, maybe running tomorrow. But I still feel kind of ick.

I get home, bop around, eat, read, and talked to Bunny. I get a beep on my phone (# I don't recognize) and click over. It is the husband of my friend. We are cool. I usually have his # in my phone for emergencies but I haven't talked to him since I've had this phone. I get off the phone w/Bunny and click back... and he says... "Can I speak to my wife please?" and I said something like "Not unless she is in my pocket and I just didn't know. She's not with me, I'm at home."

Guess what? That was not what he was expecting to hear. Oops. He says, "K. I'll call her on her cell"

Now I am cursing under my breath because I have to try to get to her 1st.

I call, it goes to voice mail. I text- nothing. I figure he got her, and I go to shower and think I'll call her later.

I call about 10-ish. She answers. I say "What are you doing?" She says "Why? Where are you?" I say "I'm at home, where are you?" she says "You promise you are at home?" Yep. I have no reason to lie. She does.

We go around in circles for a minute. I say "Your husband called me an hour ago". Now she gets to curse under her breath. She says she was sure he would never actually call me and her phone was on silent, and she promised she was on her way home. She can tell me anything. She gave me a cock and bull story about getting a drink by herself. Today I text her that we are going to talk about this. seriously and very soon.

She used me as the lie to say I worked late and she met me downtown. It is not uncommon, my friends make concessions for my super-woman complex all the time. But downtown in my city is small and it is hard to be anonymous on streets that I know well. She does not know that I know she met someone out recently that was not her husband. and not her friend. Even in her dad's truck. I know that truck, it has moved all kinds of stuff for me. Plus I know those bartenders, and they talk. a lot. and today I am sad for my friend. but more so for her husband.

"It's My Party"

and I guess I'll cry if I want to. (repeat)

Premise: 2 pieces of candy

Once upon a time I taught dance at a community center. My class was like 5-7 years old. When it rained all of the other 'classes' like soccer etc. played in the gym. So my girls did too. One day another coach showed me the greatest thing. She says "say hi to each one of your kids. Hug them and give them a piece of candy but be sneaky about it and tell them not to tell anyone" . "When you get them all together, give everybody a piece of candy. Now they all have 2 pieces and they all think they are the only one with 2."

This is cool, because you have never seen a bunch of little kids so happy with themselves. Even though you tell them not to tell anyone, it is only a matter of time before someone spills it and says they got 2. Now everyone says they have 2. and each little kid is still sure beyond a shadow of a doubt that you only meant for them to have the 2.

It is sufficient metaphor for what you get with most social beings. Think about it, it also exemplary of what you give. Need a real life example? Pseudo-Daydream is nice. He is nice to everyone. He is sweet to me and he does tailor certain workouts to what I need or what I'm working... but he was my specific trainer. and there are aspects of things he does for other people. Him catering to me is also very vocal. He tells people that he trains the dancer. So what would be my 2 pieces from him gets him street cred... get it? In a way it is all about working the angles.

Last night I was to meet JB for a function at the Wine Loft. A guy we know is opening 5 in the Houston area and he initially asked her to GM it. She has my Precious Precious Sunshine who is barely 1 1/2 years old (my god-daughter) so she said no. She wanted to be more of a mom and wife. She works to be sure, but didn't want to spend most nights in a bar. But we still had to go to the reception for the formal announcement. I also had the news about the LSAT and needed to talk to her because she is the other half of myself. So we were gonna sneak out later. Dream Killer had seen K-dawg (JB's husband) earlier and called the house to say hi. K-Dawg was staying home so Dream Killer got sent to chaperon... and pay for dinner.

The Loft was chill. Open bar for us (does it get any better? plus this is my favorite bar) and special private reserve bottles of my favorite wine. I was happy. DK played nice nice and JB mingled flawlessly as she does. Everyone is having a good time and then JB grabs my arm and says "I'm going to start my goodbyes. maybe 20 min and then we have to get out of here". I don't question it. She says she needs to go, we go. There is no discussion and I don't care why. I do it sometimes too. DK got told and he pouted.

We get to his car (he has the newest jeep- he's driving) and she says "I just had to leave. I met the guy who is going to GM and he is going on and on about it and it took everything in me not to scream THAT WAS GOING TO BE MY JOB AND YOU WERE 2ND CHOICE". ohhhh.

So dinner was at one of my favorite restaurants. I got veal w/crabmeat (this is LA, there is no reason to ever have crappy food) DK got duck and JB got stuffed soft shell crab. Wanna know what my to-go box has in it? Veal, duck, and soft shell crab. My tummy was still upset and I lost my dinner, so my friends gave me theirs with the hope that today will be a better day. We all called it a night.

Today I get the texts from DK. "Thank you so much, I had a great time" but what puzzled me was "I think I needed it way more than you". I say "How? you got to pay the ck?" he says, "But I had a date with 2 of the hottest girls imaginable, every guy was so jealous...every girl for that matter, and that felt good". nice.

So was it my "feel better" dinner, JB's reception for "not my job" or DK's "I need to feel attractive" night out? Does it matter? Let's just say we all had 2 pieces, and we were pretty happy about it.

In other news he keeps telling me that David's Bunny is crazy. Like really nuts. I say "No way" he says "maybe you just haven't crossed her yet". I still say 1) he may just be insecure about her being my friend as he usually is or 2) it comes from David the Magnificent Weirdo and really how reliable is he? I see so much good in her, what is wrong with these guys?

Let's play Captain Obvious.

In the vein of the intro-spective, figure it out by reading all of the books about myself, my zodiac, my chinese zodiac, the artists you like and don't like, colors that respond to and keep around you... Kit-Kat who is a text book lesbian- with all of the K.D. Lang, Mary Chapen Carpenter, and Indigo Girls that implies... off we go.

You guys know all of this stuff. It is a measure of the obvious because it creates a point of reference to create a new point. I think. It works better when Kit Kat does it.

1. I didn't get the job in Phoenix

2. I didn't get the job in OH

3. I didn't get the guy (but I didn't figure out if I really wanted him either)

4. I did worse on a test

5. I had a great interview but got offers I literally can't afford to take

6. I had to clear my team.

7. I didn't get the school for JA that would really make me feel like I was making the difference in the life of a child

8. I checked (think hockey) a kid at the skating rink. not on purpose. I used to be great on skates.

9. I drank too much on a semi-date. I thought I was past that. While I didn't totally embarrass myself, I may have had a harsh conversation and been a bit of a bastard (pronounced baaaaaaaastard. see how the end was quick?)

10. everyday I find a new thing I hate about my job.

11. I still am hesitant about open windows. If I am in the house by myself, the windows/blinds/drapes have to be pulled. HAVE TO.

12. If I am home alone I have the TV on or music playing. I have trouble falling asleep. I hear every creak.

13. When I am overly nervous I still bite my nails. That's gross

14. I try not to judge/talk about people. But I am secretly smug that the girl that is in love with Bama who is 19 and works at the front desk is excessively nice to me because young un told her something. Yesterday she tells me I have perfect skin, last week I was stylish, before that she made small talk about yoga. She is adorable but transparent and trailer park trash. I am nice to her because she is superficially nice to me... but in the back of my mind I want to tell her "I am not the reason he does not want you, you are." but I don't. She does not know she doesn't need to kiss my butt, and I'm not going to tell her.

15. When stuff is too much, too frustrating, or I am too down on myself. I do not want to talk about it. I want to crawl in someone's lap and hide in their arms. I feel like this is childish. I will be a grown up and hash it out in a second, but for a second I need you to shut up and hold me.

16. That person is usually Dream Killer. He is good for that. Even if he is mad at me, or I at him. Which happens quite often.

17. I am afraid of getting fat. but even I will admit that my sense of myself is a little skewed.

K so that looks like enough. on the point. All of those are things that I see as incredibly negative. Some are bits of rejection (that I take such issue with) and they are ways that I am lacking. They are all of the most recent most awful stuff I could tell you about me. Ready for the best part? 1) I have rebuttals for all of them and 2) to me they are the worst... but I am still standing and magically none of those made me spontaneously combust.

Here is the rebuttal. Don't read it if you don't wanna. but today I need to see the progression in my steps. However, the next person that says "God has a plan for you and these things happen for a reason" will get the EDS.

1. Phoenix, but I was "overqualified" and then they had 2 serial killers... and Bunkles emails me the stories every day... and says "please don't move to where you will get shot, what will I do w/out you?"

2. It turned out to be a power struggle between 2 beings bigger than me. I am fine with that, and truly it was not where I was meant to be.

3. It wasn't a rejection. I did the same thing, I just didn't tell him. and he's still trying, granted it has nothing to do w/me per se... but stil :P

4. the "Faith of a Few" says it's not the end of the world. Most schools still take the best score.

5. I was deemed impressive, and his clerk is still being made to look, plus I have another interview coming up.

6. It is time. The team is made up of maybes, and as soon as you know it is a "no", you let them go. and there is anot a strong possibility in the whole lot.

7. I have a great group of girls. They are engaged and understand things that I still have to explain to the grown a** f*ck heads I work with.

8. I am great on skates. I really am. But lots of people around me makes me nervous. and plus kids usually love me, which makes me a skating liability... really it's their fault for hanging on to me.

9. ok, so I wasn't TRASHED, and I just know that I have to watch that a little better. At least it wasn't like a work function or something. and he was a gentleman about it. even after. even if that is what made me not an option. at least it was not a great big bad thing. just slightly embarrassing.

10. but I have interviews so this is only for now.

11. but I can look people in the eyes now. sometimes. most times. and it is not so glaringly obvious that I am not comfortable in my own skin.

12. at least I have a home.

13. yeah, I can't make that one better. it's a lot less than it used to be. but every once in a while...

14. ha ha. c'mon that is slightly funny. Like I said, she is adorable, minus oily stringy hair. and all I know is what he told me. So maybe she does have a chance, and maybe they will hop off into the sunset like happy bunnies. really?

15. This is only bad because I think it is not a mature way of dealing with things. Lucky for me, my friends don't care. and they still scoop me up.

16. Ditto for the dream killer.

17. I say this and I am down 2 sizes in pants. I can fit that stupid vera wang bridesmaid dress. and I didn't do it for stupid Kara.

Bond Girl. out.

The Faith of a Few.

LSAT score sucked. You saw it, you know it.

What sucked worse in my mind was literally hearing the door to NorthWestern slam shut. I wanted to cry. I did not cry. I forced myself to come to work because it was the exact opposite of what I wanted to do. and then it got worse. I texted to check in w/Bianca's sidekick and see how she did. She rose 6 pts (which was good) but from a much worse score to where she would not even get in to my safety school.

Bianca calls me and I get closer to crying. She says "This is not failure. You did not fail, you have to re-evaluate how much you really want this. If you want law school you need to make some quick decisions and mrore realistic ones." and they both show up to tell me that they are proud of me. I am blessed to have the people in my life that I do.

On to the check-in call from Shy and I have to suck it up and tell him. I further tell him "I'm done." and he says "No, you are not. I will throw you back in the ring if I have to. Southern is NOT Northwestern and La. is not Chicago." I attempt a rebuttal and he says "Whatever it costs, I will pay it. You are not giving up and you are not staying here with these stupid f*cks. No one said it would be easy. You want better, You work for it. You do it by yourself and I'll see you in 6 months if thats what it takes but get it done".

I ate a cereal bar and a few bites of pasta yesterday. I was so sure I would be sick. Today my stomach is still knotted up. How can I do this again? With the changes to the test and no timer... I am sick with anxiety and anti-anticipation. This friggen test was my whole life. And I don't want to do another class. But it was most effective.

So one more? and I laugh as I hear my heat psyching me up... and I am a Bond-girl and warrior to boot... but G-Damn. One more?

Feb LSAT

153. How is that even possible? how? I'm going to be sick. I worked my bum off. I did it again and again... and literally again. How did I drop?

Bloody sh*t, and then there are schools that still combine scores, and what if I don't get into law school anywhere. and I end up working at McDonald's for min wage to pay off student loans... and I have the metallic taste in my mouth that means my ulcer is going to be bad for at least a couple of days. how. how on friggen earth did it go down?

For now I guess we take a couple of Advil PM and we'll pick up the pieces and re-asses the game plan tomorrow.

Wanna know why the nice guy doesn't get the girl?

Disclaimer: this is one girl's opinion based upon her experiences, her own goofy opinion, and possibly a cosmo soaked conversation with girlies as clueless as she is... ALLEGEDLY!

The following is the entry I made in my journal this morning... it later led me to pushing Lemon off of my roller-coaster for real. oh and Dream Killer is momentarily forgiven. Onward.

...because from a girl's (arguably woman's) point of view... the nice guy who is madly in love with her is a bit like the 'perfect world matrix'. Think the matrix trilogy in which the machines point out that humans knew there was something wrong with a perfect world and apparently we needed all the pain, misfortune, and wretched f*cked-up-ed-ness (is that a word?) to believe our surroundings to be real. Well much like that, when something is fantastically great, we (I) figure something is wrong with it. And it is humbling to realize that it is us (me). We (again I... c'mon do I really need to keep translating for you?) are forced to take a good look at ourselves and hate to find ourselves severely lacking. We do not want to stay next to said perfect person because it makes us feel like poison, like we will hurt them and have to pay for it forever. Like I am.

Left with the knowledge that the rare, precious, devoted and seemingly unattainable love is possible... and then you see the sh*t given from lesser beings as just that. SH*T. But seeing perfection again is also not easy. You realize that you (I) still don't know what to do with it, and you are more careful to only put express the possibility for a future for something you 110% believe in. And it doesn't make you feel like any less of a sh*t to tell someone that they are not it. Which is what I've recently learned. and I get it. That is the favor.

As you can see, this weekend did not so much get better. But progress was made. I bought a pair of pants for work today. They fit, it is exciting. Skating on Friday night was interesting, I fell 3 times and only took people down with me 2 of those times. Much like his M.O. Dream killer skated for about 30 min and proceeded to limp for the next hour. He didn't make it to Chilli's, but all in all it was a super fun night.

Today we are talking and catching up... he was dating his rebound again, and dumped her again. He says the mark of someone you should be in a relationship with is whether or not you want to see them after a stupid argument. He did not want to see her. I still say he is not done with her yet. She will show her bum a few more times. It happens.

We talk about mine- this weekend, last weekend, except for me running into his friend, and he says "Princess, you have such a sense of entitlement that makes it hard to date you. You are wonderful, beautiful, and a dime to be sure... but the guy you are trying to date might be all of those things too. You might have to do a little bit of the work. Your expectations are a lot to live up to, and you are always looking for someone to mess up." I wanted to smack him. Mostly because I know he is right. and I am spoiled... and I started to tell him that the one right before him didn't mess up, and he did get everything right, which again, makes me think it is possible, but he has said before "He got it right because you let him". and it is frustrating to want to be a better person and work so hard at it, to find yourself in a position to still be deemed lacking.

He once called me high-maintenance and I shot back that it was because he was so lacking as a boyfriend that it was my way of making sure I did not end up with another just like him. and he apologized. and apologized for pulling the letter, and being a jerk, and everything I've ever been upset with him for. and I didn't feel so bad about last weekend, or this one. because that means I didn't get everything wrong. right?

Happiness is...

...having people in your life that you can be your whole dorky self with. and have them love you just as much, even though they think you are touched in the head.

Sometimes it is daunting to have to start over with whole new people. Which reiterates how great it is to have a few safeties. Case in point, some friends are going skating and I am going to. Dream Killer who asked for the letter of reccomendation as a means of reconciliation is coming too. I didn't think I would look forward to it. But I am. And I meant to still be angry... but I'm not. but I should be. but I'm not.

Me: Promise you are coming? You said you would and now everyone is expecting you.
DK: but not you?

Me: Me too. But I still don't like you
DK: oh, trust me I know you don't.

Me: and it "Christian night at the rink" so that's the music they are playing
DK: OH HELL NO! you really do hate me

Me: Yes, but you already promised you'd come.
DK: go buy your hat, i'll be there.

Later I text him
Me: Promise ur going to come
Dk: I already did

Me: AGAIN!
Dk: U need a chill pill. I PROMISE

Me: K. thanks

and I like that there are people I never have to worry about trying to impress.

Don't Make Me Curse You Out in Front of People. Please.

I don't want to. I know there was a point in time that I was non-confrontational... that is not these days. But lately is seems like the universe is pushing me to snap out on somebody. Not a specific somebody, just in general.

I can't even believe I am posting this, but here we go.

I have a new supply of Celebrex. Mom asked if I needed recently, I said if she had any then yes... it's becoming harder to get and my orthopedist who loves me is retiring... I may have to start paying for anti-inflammatory. That would be inconvenient. I've been on the for as long as I can remember (off an on). So I had the opportunity to get it from an outside source and I told mom to just get it for her, I got some.

My source is a former drug rep. He is married with a whole child. Remember that, it is important. I met him with mentor. They are friends so we are cool. We run into each other at functions and restaurants. He calls and says he has, and asks if I want... of course. So we meet for coffee about 7. We talk for a min, and he throws the box in the jeep. As he is about to leave, he says to tell him when I am low, and asks if I'm going to be in New Orleans on Saturday. I didn't have plans too, and he says something about a conference and says call him if I go. He tried to hug me.

As I leave he calls me and says something to the effect of "I really miss talking to you. Your presence always calms me. You should come to New Orleans, we go to dinner, maybe see some live music". Ummmmm wow. I thank him for the Celebrex and get off the phone. Later I text him that I do not foresee the need to ever speak to him for the following reasons:

1. He tried to touch me

2. He is very married

3. 1 and 2 translates into extreme disrespect
4. I respect me.

Back up to telling Bond about Monday's interview. He says... "I forbid you to work for that Judge. He will try to sleep with you." nice.

On to Shy's assessment of Bama (he does not know it is Bama, he heard about the general situation). He says, "I've always said you are the perfect girl. You are a wife and not a girlfriend. What these f*cks down here don't appreciate is your capacity to forgive. A mother-f*cker shows his a** and you forgive him. Continuously."

No. Not continuously. With all of the blatant narcissism on the back burner, we are going to have to re-evaluate some things. I would rather not embarrass people. and we all make mistakes. but drug rep is squashed, Bama is neutralized, and that Judge doesn't have any openings and I would definitely try not to put myself in a bad position. and yet it seems like the world won't be happy until someone gets smacked.

WTF?

Seriously I ask you, What is wrong with people today? and yesterday? and in general?

Warning:This post may be a side effect of music overload.

1. Bama is officially an ego-maniac. This has nothing to do with me. and it never has. and I could kick myself for not getting that sooner. On occassion men may do stupid things, but they are not stupid. 3 guest appearance in 3 days. No gym for me today and maybe weights Friday morning...when he is still drooling. He is the aquatics director. I don't acquat. There is no conflict of interest here.

Mr. Perfect is the testament to being pretty for pretty's sake. I'm not trying to trash him, he's just not for me.

2. Sound-byte from this morning. "Why are YOU here? You are not dressed like a full time teacher or a sub? You are too young to be a parent, and to pretty to work here? Well anyway, you look nice, carry on." WTF? Backhanded compliment aside, who says that? Let me tell you about it.

I am teaching for Junior Achievement at a very private Catholic all girls school. It was pitched to me because apparently I am considered an "asset". Apparently the daughters of the most money in my city need to see someone like me (gag). I asked for an inner-city school this year, because asset that I am (gag part II), I would never have had access to a school like this. My mom just didn't have the $. and I would want a little girl like me to be able to see me, and all the possibility it implies. I still got this one. and it took a whole lot not to say something to the nun.

3. Pandora posts a copy of the CD cover when possible to go with the songs playing. Most of them are somebody's big face. pressed against the camera and trying to look sexy. and so much on certain stations is all that. WTF! When did we get to such a point where that was everything all the time. All we aspire to be is objects of entertainment. and so many of the albums out there were crap! Do you really think all of those artists are that thrilled to have that one album be there life's work. Are most of us really willing to sell our souls for 15 friggin minutes?

and then the song that come up is Kaskade's "it's you, it's me".
you never know who's waiting for you
you never know when love is coming your way
but if tonight i look again into your eyes
then it's you, and it's me you love

and I smile on the inside. While it is not here yet, it is coming. It has to be, I rock.

:)

You always remember your 1st

Water Buffalo was my 1st soul-wrenching earth shaking love. about 4 years of official dating and the extra year and a half of dumb f*cking ourselves to make sure there was no way this was going to work... plus neither of us had the balls to tell his family. Mine knew and hated him. For his, we sucked it up and played nice nice for every friggen holiday and get together. I moved to a new apartment and so did he... 5 doors down.

Needless to say it was not good. It was long, drawn out and very painful. When we were good and done I cried for 2 weeks. No, seriously. I had to take vacation from my stupid job, and luckily was between semesters (or maybe not even in school) and just cried. Like great big Minnie mouse tears. If you called my house and I answered the phone, You had 30 seconds to talk before I started sniffling on the phone. It broke my heart. and it hurt.

and after 2 weeks of my friends getting shoved out my front door, and them letting me hide under a rock and listening to the most depressing music ever... they had enough. JB and Camello snatched me by the back of the neck and threw me in the shower. Did my hair, makeup and dressed me. and put me in some body's car. It ended up being 3 cars of the people closest to me, and some miscellaneous people, but everybody that mattered (minus Buffalo and like my mom obviously) came to New Orleans with us. We did the worst thing ever. Bourbon Street. We hit every club and bad bar. We sung Karaoke at the Cat's Meow, totally off-key. They made me eat a Lucky dog which made me sick... the most important thing was that Madigan held on to me until I stopped crying.

It was humbling that a broken heart did not break me. and to look into the faces of such love, it seemed selfish to cry over someone not worthy, it was disrespectful to the people that did love me. and love me THAT much. It was a good night.

On to yesterday, I have to laugh as I get "check-in" messages from Tourette's. JB calls to schedule the de-briefing with wine, Bunny shows up with flowers, and Bianca's lunch was soothing. JD even sent a well-wish of Internet spite that made me laugh out loud (much to the amusement of my secretary)... and I am glowing that you guys love me. No, my heart is not broken, not even a little. I got a little bee sting, to be sure, but you don't know what it means to me to remember that I am held.

You guys are rock stars ;)

Bond-Girl out.

p.s. click-it... theme song on repeat. Nelly Furtado - Do it

PostSecret

You guys have seen the link under my cool stuff. I forget how I started reading it, but found myself checking it every week. When I finally figured out how to link it to my page... There it went.

Today I don't remember why I keep reading it. I think it had something to do with the humanity/creativity/spark of introspection that makes me wonder what my secrets would look like. So many of the secrets posted truly hurt my heart. I do understand it is a necessary thing for people to be able to express... but wow.

Today the Mole escorted me to my appointment through the Governmental Building that houses the 19th JDC. He has to stop often to speak to people. He knows everyone worth knowing. He is trying to destroy my sense of naivete. Much like Shy, he is of the opinion that as soon as I get some swagger about myself, I will be a bad bad man and a force to be reckoned with. So much of my interaction with him (as with Bond) are a series of tests. He says things to get a rise and then seeks to see far that rise can be pushed. He suggests that I take a good look at the people we pass outside of courtrooms... and comments that some of the people we pass will not the see the light of day except from a jail cell, for a long time. It is a harsh concept to grasp. He shows me the handcuffs that lock a defendent's ankles and wrists... they are called "bunny hoppers" because you can't walk properly.

But the creme de la creme comes on the way out. A clean shaven and well pulled together gentleman is waiting outside of a different judge's courtroom (my appointment was on the side of chambers, a trial was about to start and we stopped in a few more chambers to shake some more babies... I mean hands). They exchanged pleasantries, the gentleman is about to have a new baby girl. We get into the elevator and the mole whispers "Son-of-a-B*tch". He further explains that the gentleman was a private investigator for the D.A.'s office. He went to the police academy with the Mole's daughter, 2 weeks into the academy it came to light that the gentleman was molesting his niece and had been for several years.

It was all I could do not to be sick in the elevator.

This man is not only going to have a child, but a female child.

I imagine this as a secret he would not tell his child, implications of whether we would touch her aside, and I imagine what it would look like on a card. and I hope it chokes him.

"Where America Goes to Feel Better"

I have spent the last several hours watching the 4 episodes of Grey's Anatomy on abc.com.

I have no mascara on because I have cried it all off.

Partially because of the show, and partially because this weekend has emotionally wrung me dry.

Private kick in the stomach. If you are meant to know it, then you already do. and the more I think about it, It really was a favor.

Tomorrow starts with a 730 interview with a judge that Bianca told me has no openings. The "in" to the judge, my mole we will call him- because he sees all, knows a lot, and has a frightening amount of access- calls me to tell me that my friend out right lied to me.

Bianca and I spoke yesterday and had a late lunch today. We talked about it again and she assures me the position that was there was given to her Sidekick, as is fitting that is why she is the sidekick. She will be in at 730 and asked if I would like her to lay groundwork and I intimate that it is not necessary. Mole says I have been betrayed. I am not willing to pass that sentence, yet. I still believe my friend but am willing to consider outside comments.

Hardware store as promised. Mouse got a birdcage for her b-day and I promised to help her hang it from a huge pecan tree so it faces the windows and she can see the birds. Sat morning we had to buy clothesline wire to hang it. I have officially had a check declined. That has never happened to me before. Especially since the only checks I write are for a Jeep note and student loan. So why did Lowe's reject $5.16? No clue. I have some number to call, but I was too mortified.

The check and my expired license was all I had in my purse. My card, real license and money were in the back pocket of the jeans I went out in the night before. Because that is where I carry my money like a little kid.

The clerk is trying to figure this out and the guy behind me hands her a $10 and says "I need to do a good thing. Please let me pay for it" I am dumbfounded. His wife is petting him. I try to find the words to express gratitude for such a huge gesture... and grams? she is 1/2 to the car. nice.

...mini Weekend Update...

Boys and Girls, as much as this is cliched and motherly... NEVER NEVER forget the importance of being nice, or at the very least necessarily polite, you never know when it will come back to you. I am a bad friend... you guys know that. I forget every body's birthday, no that is not true. I remember, just on the wrong days. Hence, I am always a week late with the Happy Drunk Ken Doll, this year we had a bet I would get it wrong again... and then he got drunk one day and called to remind me. many hearts to the weirdo with a girlfriend. Tourette's I got wrong by one day... which is sooooo freakin close. So my awful pattern of remembrance begets the "random birthday". If I miss your B-day, you can call upon me for a Random one. Whatever day you choose is your birthday for the sake of argument and I take you out. It's all about you, and we do whatever you want. Initially she wanted a movie, maybe a margarita. We get the the theatre and she starts to cry. er? Apparently she broke the good little christian boy. They schmuped. And technically he wasn't a virgin, he was celibate for 5 years. Admirable to be sure, but I still say that is not the same thing and casts a shadow of doubt on his version of the truth. So obviously no movie for us. We opt for those magaritas instead. Mine mango, hers raspberry (yuck). Guess who comes over to re-introduce himself... Mr. I-have-an-associates-degree-in-science-and-want-to-be-a-physical-therapist. and it's still weird. We smile and let him talk. 3 guys sit next to us at the bar and they 23 year old is hitting on my friend. I was too happy when my cell rang- it was David's Bunny, but a wonderful distraction from the dorkdom that abounded. Tourette's is hitting my leg and mouthing "HELP ME!" so I had to get off the phone. But she keeps answering his stupid questions so of course he does not go away. Her solution? She goes outside to smoke and leaves me with the 3 winners from Hee-Haw. The one at the end says "You look jus like this girl I went to school with! Her name is ___", I say "Well that's not this girl." He says, "That's why I said you LOOK LIKE" and then "You are mean". I say "I'll take that". The darling bartender comes over and takes both of my hands and leans in to whisper "They are trash, sometimes you have to just let those go". Sweet sweet bartender. I engage another guy at the bar in conversation. I explain it is to avoid Hee-Haw. He laughs and he is engaging. Tourette's comes back with a smirk and meets my new friend. We all make friends and retire to the porch. and here comes Mr. Science. He is the cousin of my new best friend from the bar. He proceeds to tell the table that he knew me in high school and his cousin kids that he must have asked me out. Mr. Science says, "No, she was way out of my league. But she was really cool. So sweet and all smiles. Everyone loved her. I still talk to her now because she is so nice". Oh that was a kick in the head. I felt soo bad. They were so sweet about entertaining us and it was not weird at all. The were perfect gentlemen. Bartender comes out to tell us about last call. Later he comes back to ask us if we wanted to stay and drink with the staff. One of us say "But you already made last call" He says "but I am also the bartender, I can make you a drink and just not charge you for it". Sweet but we were done. Tourette's laughed and laughed that we left all of our new friends. Happy Mother Freakin Birthday. (Obviously she says it differently). I'll tell you about the hardware store later.

Let's get started...

Lots to post... about diff colors so you know when I've completed a thought.

David's Bunny and I had this brilliant (i.e. looks completely non-brilliant right now) idea to prove to ourselves that we are warriors. Wed- Circuit training, Thur-boot camp, Fri- morning weights w/young un, Fri-afternoon circuit training. So why come I call her at 5 this morning and she says "Girl, I can't. I'm going back to bed- I didn't sleep well last night". Punk. It was brutal, 1/2 way through I am close to tears, and then I remember I don't have to do everything exactly right. I just have to make it through. That is the wrong attitude to have. But at least I didn't quit. I've gone hard every min right up until. So one more class tonight, maybe a run on Sat and Sun yoga will put me back together.

Shy has figured out that neither Bunny or I are in no danger of being in a committed relationship any time soon (so he thinks :) and is trying to convince us that he is the best we have. Without the inconveinent touching, of course. He now wants to be called "Prince" as he has the 2 "it" girls. Nice. In the bathroom we try to come up with a schedule of which one of us has to talk to him on which days. It's not that we don't want to talk to him. He's cool, he just a bit much, is all. and he is completley convinced that is he is sexy. Ummmm no, no he is not.

Along the lines of the dis-illusioned, intro the "dancer". She is homely (ok unattractive) and very overweight. and she keeps telling people she is a dancer. Ballet, jazz, tap, etc. People keep referring her to me, I avoid this one like the plague. She happened to say it to Will.I.Am and Shy. Shy laughed hysterically. Which made Will pick it up. Shy says, "come on, really?" and laughed till he cried. I smacked him in his head. She says she is not a runner (I can relate) so instead of running... she did the robot...badly. So they asked why I don't call her out on it... I say "mercy". Despite what she can or cannot do... She sees herself as a dancer, and it is important to her sense of herself. Not to mention, as I had to explain to Shy and the Peanut Gallery... most of us know what it is like to have a day, an afternoon, or an evening when everywhere you go- people are all about you. The guys (or girls) all want to talk to you, you look hot, you feel good, and you have a good time. and you give off good energy... talking to this girl for 2.5 seconds... it is highly likely she has never had that. Why take the one tidbit she has? If she is under the impression that she is good, the cruel world will squash that in time.

Know what season it is? Flag football. Which means... Dream Killer stepped up to play (probably one game) and in 2.5 seconds flat managed to hurt himself. Which is fitting because he talks a lot of trash. It was a "fractured skull" one game into soccer season, pulled hamstring next year, game 1 of newest soccer season. Something or other 10 minto 1st time at circuit training, and he still yips about the way I run. nice. So he thinks he tore his ACL again (awwwww... that does hurt, been there, done that) and he's on crutches. and yet it is kind of hard to feel sorry for him. He calls with the pretext of getting the Professor's # from me. I tell him I don't have it (I could get it, but I won't). and he asks if he's done anything new to upset me as I apparently don't want to talk to him. I say no. Which is true. He played his last card, what can I say.

Semi-big girl conversation with Lemon. It's not gonna happen. That's slightly disappointing. It happens.

I meant to add this to the last post but that day, I also broke the zipper on my last pair of work pants that fit. Rat bastard. and in other news... One of my most recent complete, utter, and unadulterated joys is driving Blanca. I love my jeep. love it. I enjoy it way more than I should. She is fantastic.

Also, today is a day in which I can see some real progress in many aspects of my life. Work is work, working out is better. I am more toned and have more stamina. Plus I am stronger and that feels good. Maybe the strength carries to other aspects because I am getting closer to the idea of a whole relationship not making me physically ill. I have come to a place that I can let people be as they are and not hold it against them. and trust that they love me. I have the time to read a little more and closer to writing again. Yeah Bond girl. I think that's all I got for now. Updates later.

Today is great...

and by great I mean funny.

It started out pouring. I am wearing the grown-up version of a headband because I just knew the short hair would conspire to look like a portebello mushroom.

Now... It's all sunshine and cumulous clouds. nice.

Further, at 4 I went upstairs to make tea. There is the extremely boiling water tap that emits... you guessed it... extremely boiling water. I missed my cup and found my foot. I'm wearing heels not boots. It stings just a smidge.

Also, Jenny-Bear is an insurance agent. Don't laugh, she's good at it. The bad part is that she is telling me to have the big girl conversation with Bama... OMG! Have you met me?

So she calls me just now to say "Ok, forget what your time frame for that conversation was... I need you to do it now and have him call me so I can try to sell insurance to your gym." Oh, ok. Because that won't be wierd AT ALL.

Just because I have big-girl shoes, does not mean I want to have big girl conversations.

Intro Window to Evasive Domestic Bliss...

and maybe you, like I am, are pressed up to the window to watch.

Newest addition to the stuff I'm lovin is the Suburban Masquerader. I asked to link, she says yep- Official heart for cynic girl. Hopefully you will heart her too.

On to peerage at aforementioned bliss... had Indian tea at DeeDee's house over the weekend. DeeDee or Didi is Hindi for sister. Her daughter calls me so because she calls me so... so for blogging purposes- she is DeeDee. She just had a new baby boy and he is amazingly beautiful and precious and perfect and wonderful and small, and I want one... just not now. DeeDee is a testament to how it works. Hers was an arranged marriage and too look at her and the dork she is married to, you know that it could not have been any other way.

So little D's birthday was Friday and I brought her present last night and stayed for dinner. The child is lovely, and it helps that she adores me. The presents she gets from me are never stupid stuff like clothes or educational toys (I'm not knocking it) I'm just saying that as a child I remember how important it was to have people in your life that were normal, responsible, well-adjusted adults... and spoiled you rotten. So it was the perfect Belle doll, w/ bracelet and ring to match, and a barbie mini suitcase to carry all of her doll stuff in. DeeDee follows me around the house fussing that I spent too much money. But to see the face of little D... the big one could talk forever and it wouldn't matter.

Wonderful sound bytes from little D...
1. "How come no one talks to me at dinner?" She was edged out of a grown up conversation and reprimanded when she threw a mini fit... her byte was the rejoinder.

2. "Daddy, DeeDee is laughing at you" The child is quick, she might not understand every adult joke, but she gets when a joke is being made.

3. "Early dismissal is not inconveinent for adults... If I got out of school early and mommy couldn't get me, I would call DeeDee and we would go to McDonald's" This makes her list because she is all of 7 years old. and you cannot shake a stick at the simple faith and love of a child. and Obviously her mom was annoyed that the child is out of school early today.

Today it is funny that it is a 7 year old that takes care of my heart. and it's good.

Happy Mardi Gras!

How uncool of me to forget! This is the pic you get, because in case anybody has this quaint idea of ambling around the French Quarter w/ a drink and getting drunker people to give you their beads because you are too lazy to try to catch stuff as parades for yourself and the guys on Bourbon street usually have cooler stuff than they give away on floats anyway... well yeah that's about right.

In case you wondering, no I have never flashed and I don't see myself ever doing it. Why? This girl is of the opinion that mine are too pretty for Bourbon Street and worth way more than plastic beads. Plus with camara phones and recording devices and lack of reasonable expectation of privacy, no ma'am. no.

It is a pretty cool party. Not so enthused this year. Just wasn't that in to it. I guess if I had visiting atty to shove into random tourists that would have made it more fun :)

Lemon went to his very 1st ball last night. For Orpheus. For those of you that do not know... the parades (in n.o. they are HUGE) are done by "krewes" or modern day equivalent- "social clubs" and you pay to be a member. They have a ball ususally the night before the parade they put on, or like a week before. Not all of them are formal but most are. Members each put a float together, you hire a driver and you and your friends get trashed while being driven around on a wobbly rickety float and you get to chuck beads and cheap toys and candy at people. It is a huge blur, but so fun. People lose their freakin minds for this stuff. My girlfriends laugh at me because I bet better beads... and as I mentioned, I don't show sh*t.

But today I am at work. I could have had the bird flu, but I really was just not that into it. In other news, Shy is back from Vegas, and he's over being mad for nothing. and really, why would he be mad at me? I'm me, duh.

However, considering how racist he is (no matter how much he tries to hide) he's going to lose his cookies. Apparently Bama has seen fit to tell Pseudo-Daydream how much he likes me and for how long. P-Day (ha! I like) asks David's Bunny why P-Day didn't get invited out (D-B and I went out a couple of weeks ago and ran into Bama, Bama stayed with us for a while, we saw other people who work out at our gym and controversy is about to ensue- especially since Bama has the mouth of a girl) Bama is rallying hard for a get together. I still like Dream-Killers Friend for Bunny.

"Of Human Bondage"

by W. Somerset Maugham .

This is the book sent by JD and one he highly recommends...

and funny story about trying to get a pic to upload to give you guys a point of reference... I am at work and put the title into a google image search... My company blocked it for pornographic content. Thanks a bunch JD. Kisses.

S&M implications aside, the book is fantastic. A bit more modern than Dickensian England but along the same vein with the same issues as "the Age of Innocense" and if I could be so bold... maybe "Madame Bovary" (?) What is most funny about it, is that I could not have read this when I was younger. Younger? I dare say 3 years ago, the innane lack of spine in Mr. Carey would have made me throw the book at the wall. Time makes you view things differently and create more warm and squishy empathy towards someone ill used by love or their perception of it.

360-something pages in, I know that I am going to have to start reading it again as soon as I am done. 1st time for me is basic plot- "get to the point, get to the point" but there is so much in his expression of emotion that makes you say "wow, that is what I want" and you know what sucks even more? You have it. Most of us do and we overlook it, or consciously choose the cad that will not give us money for a cab.

Ok, not a good day to blog this, my thoughts are still all over the place. Try # 3 to follow after lunch.

What's Hot in the Streets.

Ok so maybe not brand new, I've had this for a while- but I didn't really have a sec to play with it until yesterday. It is amazing how much free time you have when trying not to obsess about a span of about 6 hours. What's he thinking, what's he thinking?

But I digress... http://pandora.com/ this is pretty cool. Hopefully yours pops up and stays up a little better than mine. It was a tad sketchy. You put in an artist you are digging and it gives you other stuff you would like. When you don't like it, you tell it so and it goes away. I like it muy much. and you can create as many searches as you want (I think). and it is great.

I also have a new blog to put on the right. She hasn't written in a while, and I thought it uncouth to throw her up with out asking, so as soon as she says "yep" you guys will read why she is close to getting a mini-heart.

kisses.

better post to come when I have a bit more balls.

Still sad. Not liking this.

Yeah, I'm gonna need me to get out of this funk too.

Even coffee w/Bunkles this morning couldn't fix me. He even offered to go get it so I wouldn't be outside in the cold.

So now we focus on the positives to make ourselves feel better. Ummmm...

Positive #1. I am not Jaws. That is always a good. She also got flowers for V-day... but from a VERY married guy. That would suck. and Positive #2. Leftovers from last night dinner was great. The waitress even put a loaf of Italian bread in there. it was uber nice.

#3. Going to a parade tonight. Granted it will be cold, but I will get to stand around drinking beer and snuggling while getting smacked with plastic cups, beads and moonpies. yay.

#4. Boss lady left me gourmet Tiramisu cocoa. I would rather Boss lady.

#5. I have enough hair to pull back. Except for Gabe brilliant answer to me not having a forehead that supports bangs. So there is a piece of hair permanently touching my face. I have been paper-clipping it back.

No gym for me today. None this morning either. I got up at 5 and my right knee was still screaming. So I'm taking a little time off from the gym. I'll let you know how that goes.

So technically I am blogging intoxicated...

but not like REALLY intoxicated.

Today I laugh at the paradox that we all are. I say paradox over contradiction because it makes sense if you think about it long enough. I just don't suggest you try.

Why paradox.. 1. The devil invited me out drinking. 2. I may never have told you this... but Tourettes' who had illegal substance abuse issues and drinks insanely works for a church. In fact as we speak, she is at dinner with a ladies church group. She is incredibly paranoid of everything she says in front of them. 3. Shy is mad at me to the point of picking an argument with me because yesterday I did not tell him who I got roses from. 4. My boss-lady quit, today was her last day. We took her out to dinner and she asked that I stay after everyone to get one more glass of wine. and then she cried. Over me. and it doesn't make sense to even me.

And today I recognize how much closer I am edging to the idea of an arranged marriage. After all, my idea of love may never come to be. I believe in love, I do, I do. but sometimes it feels a bit like chasing the dragon if you know what I mean.

The devil is a bit of trailer park trash. She is cool with the dream killer. I saw her today and she makes a big deal out of me going out to have drinks with her and her friends. I say maybe. It isn't until I make it home after dinner with wine that the silence is deafening... and the offer doesn't look so bad. But go out for drinks to what? I don't like her and I certainly do not want to hang out a bar. I just want to not be here. and that makes perfect sense thank you. But I know me, and I know it would be better for me to stay my bum right here.

Yeah, Tourettes' job or the fact that this is the job that she has amuses me to NO end.

I didn't get why Shy was so mad until he picked a fight over email, literally all day. Then put in context.. that is what it was. Which is retarded because he gifted David's Bunny and I with cases of Fiji water for V-day. and he was in the privileged position of being able to say that we were both his girlfriends. at least for yesterday.

and no Boss lady. that is a kick in the head. I do not like it.

Also, I think I may need to take a break from circuit training for a min. and play weights with the young 'un tomorrow morning. Damn 5 am.

What do you love?

This goes up because I like it! The basic premise is that this guys drives around (or more specifically through) a bunch of fast food drive-thrus and asks the attendants what they love.

I love lamp.



I also love that V-day creates such friction that people are mad at me. Rampant insensitivity.

Shy because he got blown off in public and he says I don't have time for him.
Dream Killer because I did not wait for him to call me for V-day and then profess my undying love.
Lemon I'm not sure, it's just hard to talk to him these days. He called me mean. He also hung up on me. It's not 1-sided, I was frustrated with him equally. I try to explain me to him. I don't think he gets it.

Lack of Sex in my City

If I had thought of it before, I may have titled my blog so. Once upon a time an attorney for my company was in my city. We (she, boss-lady, and I) shared books. Boss-lady shows her my blog. She asked "Who does she think she is? Carey from Sex in the City?" No. No I do not. and I was mildly offended but Boss Lady said that atty really thought herself witty and meant no harm. Whatever. So my new take on the day of Happy hearts. Yes it commercial. Yes it is "unnecessary". and Yes women make an obnoxiously big deal about it.... but what if it serves alternative purposes as well. Hear me out, what if it is a measuring stick of sorts. If someone cares for you in a warm and squishy way then they do not need to wait until V-day to tell you. They should tell you in their own time (agreed) and not on Hallmark's schedule, etc.etc. But as I have said many a time... this is the land reverent to nothing. You don't have to support a child (if you have the right lawyers) you don't have to stay faithful to a marriage, you don't have to be a fit parent... and on and on. So outside of laws and sensibilties, nothing can make us do anything. and given no restraints... at any given time we may just not be in a place to throw our hearts on the tracks. and here comes V-day. flowers, candy, and crap. But it is a measuring stick in a way... if you like me- give me a piece of paper. tell me you like me. but it isn't that simple. I can not judge because I gave away lots of crap today. And I see it as such, crap that other people need to feel special. Mom called to say thank you for chocolates and asked how many roses I'd gotten (at that time none) and I said "No one loves me" and she laughed and said that I was spoiled and got random presents all year 'round. Which is true. The roses came later. and they are beautiful, but they don't mean anything. I told Lemon that he and I were not doing anything for this day. I didn't want him to spend any $ and where would I send what to? and then what would I send. and then I remember that we don't really talk anymore. I haven't seen him in almost a month and maybe there was just nothing there. And I say that I am not disappointed because of V-day, because I know I am lucky and blessed and how selfish am I to look at the trinkets I got and think they were not enough nor from the right person. But I understand the importance of having a line in the sand that says, if you want me... you're gonna have to come with it. So he does not pitch the relationship because I said I don't know if I am ready? or because he doesn't know? and we wait at a cross-roads and this doesn't work for me anymore. Bama who was a non-issue shot himself in the foot the same way. The phone calls are nice. So is the asking. but if you are sure, you have to come with better and be willing to put yourself out there. Can I say that knowing that I have done it all of once and got told "no thank you". Ahhh but that is the double standard that makes it nice to be a girl. It is for the man to propose and the woman to decide. The gym was short but brutal. I can move my right knee cap all the way to the left off of my knee. It hurts just a tad. So I am gimping to dinner. nice. p.s. I am not going to say that I am a Charlotte (though my friends say that I am) or a Carey, etc. because each of the characters are caracatures of traits you have seen in people. None of us are all one thing nor solely defined by something so obvious. At least I don't think I am.

Happy Hearts Day!

I love this day. I really do. Sans proper boyfriend and everything. It is my grandma's birthday, she is 79. She gets lots of cards and it makes her uber happy. Yesterday she brings them to me with an album of pics from Christmas. We look at pics and she asks me to read all of her cards to her... again. Then she asks where mine is, and I tell her that she has to wait until today because yesterday was not her birthday. She is happy. Today is good.

I stuck a box of chocolate in my mom's locker at work... I'm hoping it falls and scares the be-jeezus out of her when she opens the locker. That is just the kind of happy heart I am :-)

please have a laugh at my expense.

Random stuff that made me laugh....with a V-Day theme

1. So yesterday Avi comes to circuit training. He is a senior in high school, I've known him since he was little bitty. He follows me around at the gym. He's going to N.O. for Mardi Gras this weekend through Tues. I tell him I'm going this weekend, maybe Mon or Tues. He says don't be surprised if I see him out. I make sure he has my # just in case (he is after all only 17/18 and I would rather he called me if he was in trouble and not relied on one of his genius friends)

I tell him if I see him out I'll buy him a shot. He lights up and says "Girl! it's Mardi Gras, they don't check IDs. If I see you, let me buy YOU a shot! It will be my 1st time buying a girl a drink."

and that is why we love younger guys.

2. Once a little bitty boy was trying to express his little crush and I tried to spare his feelings and told him he was too young. He comes back with "...but I can give you ALL the skittles you want!" (I was eating skittles at the time)

younger guys rock part II

3. My mexican is continuously in wuv with some little white girl. He calls them his "vanilla lattes". He has no official latte for tomorrow. He works at a flower shop so he gets great stuff... and gives it to me. It will suck for me when he has a girlfriend. But for tomorrow I got him a little starbucks bear (it's beige like him) w/ a card and a gift card to buy a couple of lattes.

work is light and I am uber bored.

These go up as I think of them....

4. Boss-Lady dated a guy in our building millions of years ago before either of them worked here. She was digging him and somehow got snubbed. Now he is gi-normous and incredibly unattractive with a personality that makes up for it... except not at all. Everytime I see him, I call her and say "HA!" nothing else. just "HA". if she is unavailable I will leave her a sticky on her computer that says... you guessed it "HA!"

Text messages... same thing "HA!" and I will miss her when she leaves on Thursday. That's just not funny.

Bloody damn.

The song I want to give you is available on YouTube right now. Nor is it on Radio blog... and if I were even the slightest bit tech savey I could download and upload the song from my cd... but again I have to ask, Have you met me?

Furthermore, if V-day was not tomorrow I would go make nice nice with the IT guy and have him do it. But then I would get 1,000 lashes for 1,000 years if he showed up with a valentine for me tomorrow. The stupid flowers from last year took too long to duck.

So, until I can get it up... what you are supposed to get from it is (great as they are, these are not my words) it is Esthero's We R in need of a Musical Revolution from the Wikked lil' Girls album. I adore everything about her.

1.What we hear affects our hearts
2. We are in need of love

3.I want something more

and that is what is bouncing around in my head. Acutally the whole song is where I am at, on repeat all of yesterday and for this morning's drive in.

It is a good summation of non-Bama. and soon to be non-Lemon. As I explained to Bama once before- I am not lacking for attention. I do not seek it, I do not need it. I like me and don't really do lonely. And I don't need meaningless trinkets and overt public displays of affection. What I would say that I 'need' is something real. Something more, something you make time for, and not the commercial bits of paper and chocolate.

Tomorrow evening or early Thursday I will give you the official count of what I got and what I gave. and none of it means anything. It is a day of making happy hearts. and if that is what any of you needs, then I have a chocolate heart with your name on it. Email me and I will send it.

It is especially brought into focus when David's Bunny and I whisper in the corner like we are 6 years old. Pseudo-Daydream is giving her a 1/2 a** pitch. and as perfect as his body is, I have to laugh and I love that she says this "He can find another fling. I am the prize." or as Shy puts it..."You are not a f*ck, you are meant to be a love affair. In a perfect world it is for a lifetime, if not that long make sure he is giving you the best of himself". and holding out for that still doesn't look so bad.

In other news, wanna know why girls try to hook up guys they know are interested in them with someone else?

if we know the person we want you to hook up with:

1.If they are bad, we don't like you

2. if they are good, we think they will be good for you

3.you and they seem desperate enough that we think we are killing 2 birds w/ 1 stone

4. we are sick of you whining

5.we may want you but are buying time in a relationship we know won't work

6. we just don't want you

if we do not know the person we are hooking you up with

see the above mentioned list.

Because this is what I am doing with Dream Killer's friend. I feel bad. He's called everyday, 2x a day for 5 days now, with texts to match. I am a bad person. I am trying to give him to David's Bunny in the hopes that it will work for them (see 2 and 6) and they will hop off into the sunset like happy bunnies.

Kisses.

Edit: Esthero - We R in need of a musical revolution thank you to Mass Com w/a twist.

I share waaaaaaay too much with y'all.

or you guys. whatever.

So I had an appointment today to get my eyebrows and upper lip waxed. (I am Indian. I am fuzzy. Stop laughing lots of women do it.) and Lemon texts me on the way there. He asked if I was busy... I say "getting waxed" he says "where?" and I say "not there"

You know where there is.

So I tried a new salon and I was pleasantly surprised. A lot of upper end salons close on Mondays- so it was great that this place was open. I had to try a new one because I am the worst at planning anything in advance. Yes I was off from work most of last week. NO, I could not be bothered to have done this then. The girl I had did a good job, she's great with the wax. Coming from me, that is quite a compliment because my tolerance for pain (much like my patience) is acutally negative. I have none. I have less than none. Hence, the negative.

So as Lemon brought it up, it was fresh in my mind. I asked if they were a "full-service" salon. She says "yes". We had a rapport, we are cool. She was most impressed that my makeup stayed put... and then I had to tell her I wasn't wearing any. She asks "are you married?" I say no. she says "I will not do a Brazillian wax on you. I'm sorry I like you too much" I am confused.

Apparently, more than a few of the girls she has Brazillian waxed keep popping up pregnant. She says she could not in good conscience put me in a position that I may acquire a "baby's daddy". I laughed so hard I cried.

Sound Byte... Courtesy of Bunkles.

"I hate your hair and it makes you look ethnic. Or maybe it's the shirt. Or maybe the thing around your neck (tiger nail charm on a long silver chain) . Whatever. No, I like the tiger nail- but so you know, it's still ETHNIC looking".

Does it sound like he's and a**? He did it on purpose. One day a while ago I popped in to ask if he wanted coffee while I was getting some... His little underlings feel the need to contribute to the conversations with "What are you?" well yes, and tact is running like water.

The pic is a version of the shirt I am wearing today, it is Indian. But mine is pink and sheer. I didn't have the patience to look for my exact shirt.

I am lucky to have a Bunkles, I think everyone should have one. Someone who knows you so well, most conversations are not long and drawn out, but a few words and a look. He is also fantastic at containing the crazy... i.e. 2 years ago at a restaurant a huge table of us had dinner and drinks and someone feels the need to scream "So, are you like dot or feather?" and it would not have been offensive... except I had been drinking. So Bunkles holds on to me and trys to talk me down from crazy while the Dream killer explains the dot. Nice.

Today is a good day people.

p. s. will talk about my fantastic present of a book from JD a bit later.

shockingly i have found a new way to prove that i am a big dork

Lsat was today. The Kaplan website has just released that the experimental section was #1. That is great news for this girl. why? i did not have time to touch lsat this morning. i was in a bit of a rush. I forgot my license at home and figured that out when i got to lsu. i was out of eggs so i had to stop at mcd'd for a scrambled egg on english muffin. the cops were out giving feel-good tickets all over the place so instead of tearing up the interstate on my way back, i took the back road and found myself driving behind psuedo-daydream on his way to the gym (again I had to pass him- it just wouldn't be right). I parked by Sculpture park thinking the walk through it would calm me. i got there with 12 min to spare. I had the oldest proctor in the world who was maniacal about having everything to the letter. she even questioned my time piece... want to know how efficient I am? mine was the silent timer that you pace yourself with but hitting the top like a chess timer, to tell it how many you did- how many you have left and that you have 1 min 21 sec per question (oh yeah, it was so ON) She made me leave my peanuts at the front and the room was hot. I had on a sports bra, t-shirt, longsleeve shirt, fleece in case, and light jacket to switch out. You just never know. Plus we got real desks! the last time, i was in a room that was in the basement, with those wooden prison-made desks that have enough room for 1/2 a notebook. (go ahead and measure I'll wait). I hate to say it as I might jinx myself, but i do feel good about this.

Don't read this.

But I told you not to, so of course you are. This week has been a strange week. Today has been a strange day. Right now I wish that I had not given access to my blog to some people I know. I have thus begun to restrict it. Bond wanted it, I said no. Partially because I would be embarrassed for him to read the drool that gets typed... and because I don't want him to think less of me. I think if you generally don't blog after a certain time, blogger should refuse to publish your post until a decenter hour. When you have read your own crap and recognized it as such. There are things that I do not like about myself. One of which is the happy puppy syndrome. The best part here is that my friends know I have it and make concessions for it. So every time I say "THAT IS NOT WHAT THIS IS!" and then it is that exactly. But what is Happy puppy syndrome? (rampant medicalization in full effect) It is when you meet someone and you have a couple of really great, interesting, thought provoking, clairvoyant interactions with them that you and they are under the impression that you've made a real connection. And you have of sorts.... and then one day you want to push them off of your roller coaster. because as great as they are... it's just not interesting anymore... and everything about them annoys you. and it's not them, it really is you. Like a child who cries for a toy, gets it, breaks it, and cries until it is given again. *sniff* I am going through people faster. or maybe just guys. i don't like it. and some of them are fantastic. but none of them are for me. and i can't say why (or i can but I'm not). And you get asked the question so freaking much... "why are YOU single" and it sounds bad to say "because I haven't met anyone I like for more than 60 seconds" even to me who says that I am not looking for forever and ever. Jenny bear called me insensitive because what other people consider "dates" i do not, unless i am "asked out". which looks juvenile. and then telling her about Bama she says "well yeah, we all knew he was going to pitch, we just thought he was going to do it a lot sooner" but his pitch was not enough. If he has better I haven't seen it, however, I did see what it was that made me say that I didn't see a relationship coming from this. Even with the Friday morning call of "I like you". I am not blogging Lemon out of consideration, not because he is not important, but because he is too important. and i believe i will go to hell if I hurt him. Follow up with I saw a guy from high school this week. He is a waiter. still. There is nothing wrong with that.We see each other every so often. I see him out, we talk for a min, sometimes get a glass of wine and catch up. He calls and asks if I want to keep him company at work, he'll buy me a sandwich. I like sandwiches. I get there, he asks me to wait 20 min and we'll get real food that the place he was at was good but he could do better. I had lamb for lunch. JB says hold on to your horses, he is about to pitch for a relationship. I bet her a bottle of wine. The parameters were 2-4 weeks (I gave her 4 for the sake of argument) and he either pitches or stops speaking to me completely. and no prompting from me. I owe her a bottle of wine, we are drinking tomorrow. It was not 2 hours after the bet that I got a text message (which is tragic by itself) of "I have a thing for you, I always have, always will" topped only by part 2 that said "If you run I will be sooooo mad at you" He asked me to dinner for Friday... I just never responded. because I am a jerk, and I am not interested in him, and I lack the wherewithal to tell him so. Dream killer grilled ribs for scotch because scotch has cancer. today he shows up w/Godiva and asked me to lunch. We talked for a min... he's still an a**hole. He is behaving because V-day is Wednesday and he is perfect on V-day... and not so much every other day. Not that he gets it wrong every day... but his bad is usually BIG and I'm so over it. But then i ran into one of his best friends whom i adore. He is what every girl wants. sweet, attractive, an engineer- smart, humble, etc etc... in a boyfriend. not your ex-boyfriend's friend. We shoot the sh*t, it's cool. He left me a couple of v-mails and wants to hang out. no. bad. no way that is going to be good. Bond laughed at me. 0-4. He says I am spoiled and he is partially to blame.I am spoiled, but not because of Bond. You guys get the happy hearts because I need the hearts. yay hearts.

what's missing?

pic came down because I am not comfortable leaving it there.

20...because I ain't no punk and I have the balls to do it sober :)

20. I lost my virginity at 17. That was also my 1st kiss. 19. I don't know if people beyond my friends read my blog and it doesn't really concern me. I did want the site meter because it seems a cool thing to have but I am a techno illiterate. 18. The thought of having sex with a porn star (or stripper... or escort) really repulses me. (ditto) I have trouble understanding guys (or girls) who think there would be anything 'hot' about this. (ditto part 2) 17. I have never slept w/ a TA or professor... but I did have a trainer that I wondered about. 16. If he'd actually offered... I might not have said no. 15. I can't imagine sleeping with someone younger than me. 14. The first time I went to an gynocologist I was 13 and told I had ovarian cysts. They are still there. Years later I was diagnosed with endimetriosis and had a laproscopy to see the extent of tissue left. The doc said I have a window of 3-5 years to have a child... and then I will have to REALLY try. 13. The way I found out was getting checked because sex was so painful. In retrospect I feel bad for that boyfriend because he saw me through so much including a chemical menopause... and I was terrible to him because I was angry over having my heart broken by someone else. 12. I would say that I am not superstitious but so much of Hinduism (I am a Hindu) encompasses so much mysticism that I don't know if I could say that in good faith. (get it?) 11. Water Buffallo and I caught Beeker and his girlfriend having sex in the car on 'Lover's lane' after prom. He turned on his brights and blew the horn, then we drove to Beekers house and pulled into his driveway (w/ Beeker following- he FREAKED). Then we took the spot only to get busted by Beeker who showed up with a bat. We weren't doing anything because I am prissy- so Buffallo jumps out and it was cool. Beeker came back again to bring us a bottle of Tequila. 10. About the SCG - I could never be that drunk...or that stupid to post anything on here. (me either :) 9. I would like to work my way up to casual sex. I may be there. But I know me... I get attached. I'm working on that. 8. I've never so much as kissed a woman that was not white. and I have never kissed a white woman :) No I lie, I actually have. That JD put that on his list is interesting to me. Especially with the Bama thing. Jenny-Bear called me insensitive. Different post entirely- or not at all. 7. This one is mushy. Even though I know NOW that the Water Buffallo is terrible in bed... at the time he was all I knew, and I loved him, and it was great. I could not have asked, dreamed or prayed for a more patient and gentle 1st love. 6. The only guy I regret sleeping with was Beeker (to hurt Water Buffallo). 5. Sometimes (because I have so much of it) sex is still painfull. It requires foresight and lots of advil. 4. If the guy I am "with" keeps hinting at the advil... he's not getting any. If he is understanding and sweet I will buy advil in bulk (from Costco even :) 3. I had a stalker for over 3 years. I still don't know who he was or what he wanted. If I ever know who he was, so help me I will sue the G-D daylights out of him. If he is unemployed and begging on the street and someone gives him a nickel, I will be right beside him with a judgement that says 2 of those cents are mine and I want my 2 cents. 2. There are lots of times that I have refused sex in a committed relationship. Sometimes I just don't wanna. 1. I am scared of *ahem* wangs (OH we are soooo in 2nd grade) that are too big. It just looks like it would hurt. Size matters and it is possible to be TOO big. and too small is bad too.

So there we are and most of you know this stuff already. K... Bond is taking my SHORT hair out to lunch today. As I am attached to it, I get to go as well.

Duck, duck, don't goose someone who is about to propose!

Today is friggin fantastic. My Gabe asked his girlfriend of some-span-of-time-that-I-listened -to to marry him this morning. He did it at Frank's which is a little country restaurant know for thier breakfast. They even serve Deer sausage (Bambi.) (Don't act like you weren't thinking it, that is exactly what you were thinking) (I dunno, I figured we had 2 sets of parenthesises (?) why not 3). He did it there because the local news was there, at 6. I don't know how he got her up and there without arrousing suspicion but he did. As he was telling me about this, I say I shall have to find a breakfast date to come watch. He says "Oh honey, no! press record on the VCR and go back to bed. If I could record it instead of going, I would!" How romantic. But I couldn't sleep early this morning. So I went to the gym and did weights with young'un. Stopped by Frank's on my way home. Apparently as he was getting down on one knee, an elderly woman was trying to pass by and put her hand on the small of his back... and got a bit of bum instead. nice. and the best part about this one? he did it so far before V-day so that his now fiancee will go all out for him. The wedding is in October in Cancun. I am invited but not going. I tell him this as he danced around and plans his forever and ever out loud. Oh and of course she said yes. Hugs and kisses honey bunny. congrats.