Housing Crisis

So Austin has officially fallen through. So I guess now is as good of a time as any to say the offer came from KRB... subsidiary of Halliburton. Wanna know why we had to say no? Google "Jamie Jones" and "KRB" for good measure.

The offer was attractive. Damn attractive. Not something I would risk my personal safety nor reputation for. The job was listed under International HR.

Dammit.

Further, I am genius-girl! I had offer in hand, lease came up... we let go of the apt. Let go of a ton of furniture... sure I would be compensated to buy this stuff back... because it wasn't worth hauling around.

Fast forward to not taking the offer. DK says live with him. I did. for a week. He is disgusting. I know, I know. You say all guys have a certain level of icky... no.... no, no. He house is infested with fleas. there is a hole in the kitchen roof with leaves from outside and mildew to boot. the bathroom ceiling tile is falling the sink is perpetually backed up... and full of the hair he shaved into it. The couches are full of cat hair, and fleas... and cat urine.

and his stuff is thrown everywhere and I don't know when the last time he swept the beautiful hardwood floors were. Ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwww.

I was brushing me teeth in the bathroom at work... and showering at the gym. I ate every meal out... because the kitchen has not been cleaned in months. but he cooks on that filthy stove. it was gross. i mean really really nasty.

If he is letting me stay w/him for free... why not just clean up, you ask? I DID! I spent 2 days on the bathroom, dining, and living room. By the morning the house had shook the cleanliness off.

So now I live w/Bianca. (DK called to tell me he was offended I chose to live with someone else... really?) and am auditioning strangers to live with (like share rent with). Giving up the apt was stupid. why? because an apt in baton rouge, la goes for the same amount that it does in both Austin and Houston. What is wrong with that sentence? THIS IS NOT A REAL CITY.

ugh.

We Goin to the Ship...

scratch that sugar bowl.... the BCS National Championship. Nice.

yeah i don't even think i could find tickets to that. so i'll be watching it on TV somewhere in New Orleans... because the after party is gonna be SWEEEEET.

... Also...

Have you heard of this thing? I am considering asking for one of these for Christmas. The Kindle... maybe for books, I like the idea of having a ton at my fingertips with out the weight... or people coming up to me to talk about what I am reading.

But I don't think it would work for my newspapers. I dunno I like the feel of papers.

and sometimes the only way I remember to pick a book back up, is when I see the damn thing or realize i have been hauling it around for no reason.

maybe I wait for V2 on this thing. Everyone knows you don't buy the 1st edition of a tech gadget. but then it won't be Christmas anymore... hmmmm.

...So what are you doing New Year's Day?

... because if you have tickets to the Sugar Bowl... I will be your best friend!

LSU vs. Tennessee.

It was a pretty good game... I guess.

There are the rumors that Les is going to Michigan... and really you can't be mad at him if he does.

DK says Nick Sabin was in BR on Friday... maybe talking about coming back. whatever.

It's terribly exciting.

and for my girlies who don't know what I'm talking about. It's football. American football.

Segue into funny story... so a couple of weeks ago I was in the mall to buy a wedding present for Tia... because everyone I know is getting married... STILL!

right so I was there and bumped into Jerry... a guy I knew in way early college. He's friends w/ my Happy Drunk Ken Doll... so I know him. ish.

He comes over to say hi... we are cordial. If you are nice to me, I am nice to you... it's nice. We are talking about the last he saw Ken Doll... for a Saints game in New Orleans. I am jealous... everybody got Pete to get season tickets.... Ken Doll cannot sustain a stable relationship... and I usually have other stuff to do than go to the games. Plus I have to drive from here and stay overnight... so Ken and I were splitting our tickets or just going together... and now he has the girlfriend. so i let him keep them. Plus I only remember at the last second that I want to go to the really good games... and people get mad when you guilt them into giving football tickets up.

so now I have to make new friends with tickets... because I am poor. sigh.

Jerry has tickets. rat bastard. He asks if I would like to go to the next couple of games w/him... we would get to sit by all of our other friends who have tickets as we all bought in the block. This sounds good to me.

Then he says... "so you actually UNDERSTAND football, do you know how rare it is for a girl to get football?"

actually it isn't... Madigan's brother-in-law played professional football... we used to get to watch from suites...

I say something like "Yes, I recognize that I am spectacular" OBVIOUSLY JOKING

and he says "well you don't have a ring on your finger... you can't rock that much". wow. I was in the bridal registry section... that was just mean.

ok so now I don't want to talk to him ever again... even to get to go to football games.

I wondered if I was being sensitive... he could have been joking. But we are not friends. We have friends in common... but you and I are NOT friends. He has called 2x... I let it go to voicemail... and then I figured out this really great feature on my phone... I can BLOCK people! Except for you guys. I would never block you guys. ;)

and I don't want to sit next to someone who is going to say mean things to me. Because I have options. So Dk's mission is to find Sugar Bowl tickets... and for less than $300 please... and tickets for the next Saints game after his finals.

and I'm not telling Ken Doll ... because he will never let me forget it.

I have nothing to wear.

Yes yes... women say this all the time.

and true true... I have said this to the Dream Killer a time or 12... only to have him throw open the doors to my closet and say "Really K? Because it looks like all of Macy's is in here". and then he finds me something to wear.

but I gone through several seasons of not buying anymore clothes... because I saw how much stuff I gave away to GoodWill... and it all started looking the same... like I am buying the same thing every couple of years.

and i hold on to stuff that I never wear.

Fast forward to i am getting ready for work yesterday... and I ended up looking like a hot mess. ugh.

It was further driven home as I head out to buy work clothes... but I don't have a lot of $ so I am Bond-girl on a budget. I look for a Christmas party dress 1st... because this is the month of pointless- let's pretend we are friends- parties... and I find 2 on sale that look great! for spring. Not winter. and I start to rationalize when I could save this for...and I realize I will never remember I have this. so I put it back.

Then I look through shoes. and find a great pair of casual ankle strap black stilettos... I like these. I should... I already have them. Granted I have them in leather not fabric... and I again recognize my self-defeating shopping behavior.

I then find the make up counter and my hand lotion at Clarins... I have a bigger bottle... but I am running out! so I will let myself have a smaller version of it.

And I still have no new work clothes.

I go to the "career" section... it is SOOO depressing. Where did we get the idea of suits for women either being old and dumpy or young and trashy... ok so there is a middle ground that is beautiful with a blouse for $200.

This poor stuff blows.

Now to the big white elephant that I am avoiding. Austin want a 3 year contract and does not pay for school.

It is everything else I asked for including a stipend for a rental SUV (or a fleet... but they provide car... if I decide not to take their car... then i get the $ to pay for mine).

But it locks me in Austin for 3 years. What are the implications?... UT Austin does not have a part time law program... plus you have to live in TX for 12 months to establish residency... which is favored above "outsiders"... and we could potentially put school on hold for a 3 years. unless i get into their fantastic Business school.

It is a lot of money. a sick nasty amount of money.

DK and JB have both been given a heads up. It is now very very real. Because the offer letter and contract are being mailed to me next week.

With the possibility of so many lateral moves I feel like Mario trying to play Donkey Kong....

yeahhhhh Atari!

P.s. I bought a different blouse. That is the addition to work wardrobe. One blouse.

... you guys are gonnna love this.

See? I'm trying to stop writing and saying "y'all". People make fun of that. I am sensitive. *sniff*

as promised here are the links to some free webinars on wine.

Winetasting
Winetasting Basics
Food and Wine Pairing

you press ctrl and click... no just click...Read the intro... they have some suggestions for ahem study aides... I highly recommend them. As I found these and began listening at work... I was without aide. but if you do it after the fact and remember what you are focusing on... it creates the same effect.

You do have 'sign up' but you can give them bogus information... if you are so inclined. If you do not have a WebEx player, it will download. It is super safe. i promise. i have it.

Also, there are TONS of great archived Webinars on more serious matters (more serious than wine?! get outta here!... i know! and yet...) on this site. i may start highlighting them on the other blog. and i will definitely discuss the Franklin Covey site.

Because I believe in all things Covey.

2 posts- 1 day.... yes i am a rock star.

Besos.

Girl Power!... and Powerpuff Girls! ...

.and other random yay girlie-ness.

Greetings. I am snug as a bug.... uhh at mom's.

I gotta say I intended to be more productive during the last couple of days. Technically I've been off since in mid-Wednesday... since then the only time I have the left the house was to make it to the grocery store (1x) Dream Killer's parents' house (1x) and then to make it to mom's.

I am a bum. You wish you were a bum like me. This is the last time I will have 2 days to rest at a time for a good little while. Non-productive girl checked her schedule yesterday, updated, changed and worked some stuff out. We have much to do in the next 2 months. Thus instead of getting work done, I say screw it.

Back to the title line.

RE:bitty bitty moms.

I've discussed my mom, yeah?

5"3', 103 lbs. soaking wet. She is bitty. She drives a truck. She drives a brand new truck. Brand new as of yesterday. It is the pic. Here is the link . This thing is monstrous. Is it just me, or are all trucks, suvs, and vehicles getting to be the size of elephants? wtf?

The best part was watching her try to hop up into it, wearing a sari this morning. wow.

So yesterday she is decidely going to go buy this thing. It is not smart for a woman to go buy a vehicle by herself. That just increases the liklihood that you will spend thousands of dollars more than you really have to. for no reason.

She initially took one of the little Auntie's husbands with her... she forgot that this Uncle does not have the social skills of a cucumber. Not so productive.

I tell her to take the Dream Killer. She demurs. Her other option is to go alone (I will not go with her at this point because the ONLY reason she will not go with the dream killer is because he is not Indian).

She spouts some sort of "female empowerment" (is this where I get this stuff from? I thought I made it up...) and off she goes. I salute and get ready to iron all of my clothes that I brought with me, in the form of undone laundry...which is now clean and needs to be ironed. My puppy stayed with me inside all day... as it is STILL raining.

Mom comes home with this. I say Cheers.

This morning I see the extra keys... and ask for my set. She is withholding key! I laugh and say "let me know how that works out for you when you lock yourself out" she says "how will you be helpful from Texas?"

ok so Mom is quick with a comeback.

Greetings from behind a ceramic mug instead of a travel mug.

hi.

how are you?

I'm good.

I'm warm.

I flaked on the turkey run.... hear me out, though.


So yesterday I got off of work early, and did some things around the house. Ran about 2 miles as a warm up, did abs and then circuit.

Circuit was especially hard yesterday, and is becoming increasingly so as my hips are on fire. and i have to wear the brace all the time. but with the brace I am fine. Really.

So I took it easy when I got home and took a hot shower.

This morning I woke up and the temperature outside had dramatically dropped. It's cold! But I got up anyway and started to get ready. My hips hurt dude. I mean the pain is white hot. I used BioFreeze and that felt better for a little while...but i didn't want to make myself miserable.

There is a difference between pushing through woosey pain and busting yourself up for no reason.

So mom gets the ill-gotten sweatshirt.

and the Reindeer Run is Nov. 30th. We'll do better with that one.

it is what it is.

Big plans for Thanksgiving-
Turkey Trot (5K) race
Lunch at the Dream Killer's parents' house
Get letter of recommendation from DK's dad
Finalize personal statement and applications...
nap
roll over during nap
wake up and rule the world

take a break for pie.

See? Big things, big plans, big expectations.

now on to reality... my right knee feels like someone took a bat to it. That trot is looking more like a limp.

So Austin has moved to the negotiating phase... did you know if you move across state lines to work for a new company you can get them to cut you a check up front for the following:

1.moving your stuff (duh)
2.your temporary living situation (duh part II)
3. your new place for a few months (lesser duh)
4. your new furniture (because i am not renting furniture. Bunny had surgery to remove a staph and this girl might be a tiny bit paranoid)
5. your salary for 6 months up front (in case you get there and they are a**holes. and you miss your mommiey and want to go home. allegedly!)
6. new clothes (i'm serious. no seriously. i asked 3 times- the stipend includes clothes)

really. i mean really. wow. i would like to point out that Chase thinks 5K before taxes should cover your move within the continental US. This list is a bit more than 5K.

But it's not real until it's on paper. but wow, huh?

and i am still planning on leaving for law school for August. There isn't enough money to change that. (i am partially typing this for my benefit... just in case that should ever be hard to remember).

Smurf Bubble

So about 3 months into the new job. Still love it. Don't get me wrong, the freaks are coming out of the wood work and we have moved out of the Honeymoon phase of "I'm so happy to be here!". and part of that was a call from Shy to tell me that I really did get this all by myself (See? Told 'ya so!) and I also left between 25K-30K on the table because I did not negotiate AT ALL. Yeah I was pretty nauseous over that one.

Then I try to call his bluff... and tell him he's full of it... He has no idea!
He then laughs and says "they think you do great work, you have a boss with no ego, she may be molding you but she rushes around and wears too much black, your CEO thinks she looks neurotic... and all of the service personnel (security cards, coffee shop people, dry cleaners) on the 1st floor know your name."

oh, ok.

Back to how great work is... I have gone through none stop training while figuring out bigger projects than I have ever seen. Every minute not spent figuring stuff out, is spent reading, learning evaluating learning systems. I even sat through a couple webinars on Wine tasting. It was interesting. I'll post the links later. it's free. you have to register but they don't email you dumb stuff and don't sell you anything. it's pretty cool.

I also had to read the secretaries' club newsletter (part of a professional organization called IAAP. The secretaries' are organizing now? WTF?) . It was also interesting. One of the articles in their monthly publication was on the subject of holding onto grudges and forgiveness.

My degree is in Sociology and I have to be honest, I was prepared for this to be crap. But it talked largely about re socialization and the notion that we have to understand that there must be a way to come back from some wrongs, and not feel the need to hold everything bad against a person ALL the time. That we each decide how much is too much and what point we let stuff go, and also what we absolutely can not.

So I ask DK some questions about the ways we have argued over the years. What he is still angry about and what resolution we could come to in order to get past those things.

He says "Dear God. What magazine is this coming from? Elle? Glamour? Yuppy Girl?"

I resent that. I read periodicals with substance! and besides I could have come up with this on my own!

He says "No K, if you had just sat around one day and came up with something to talk about it would be more like..... SMURF BUBBLE!"

er?

DK: "Yeah, something random like, do you think smurfs blew bubbles? and if they did would they be blue? and how would they be blue, i mean where DOES the pigment come from?"
I am mildly offended. So he called me random?

So that is the newest word in rotation. All stories to which the point is not very apparent are called Smurf Bubbles. and in my defense, I'm trying to cut back.

Also, I like this portion of a post card submitted to PostSecret. While scrolling down I saw this before I read the card or comprehended the whole picture. This looks like an elegant hovering fairy. See it? I also like that it is part of a real object.

Jindal WON!

Do you guys even understand how surreal that is in this state? He didn't even have to have a run-off this time. that is HUGE.

The reason the Advocate is siting is because of low black voter turnout. Oh. I am going to try to limit what I say here because I don't want to say the wrong thing...

A few years ago when Jindal was head of the hospitals and contemplating a career in politics... A few of us had a friendly discussion. Quite innocently someone said "... so is Jindal going to be the new Cleo Fields and unite the minorities in a glorious uprising?" not so much. Especially since Mentor chimed in with "you know that black people hate y'all, right?" Didn't know, Why? "because he is a Republican on a ticket that was largely prejudicial to blacks, and now he has the support of the white vote, even though he is brown. Black people in this area don't think it's fair he can show up eons after slavery and be an equal". Not kidding.

Which spawned a real discussion on what the difference was and if he should not have had the acceptance he does considering his obvious merit. He is brilliant. He is humble. He is patient.

He lost the last governorship to a b*tch that can barely say the alphabet whose husband was a good ol boy from some stupid f*ck town in the swamp. word.

and in the face of not being able to come to terms with a whole new issue of race, some would with hold that vote. I understand that, I couldn't pick the lesser evil between Blanco and Jindal, so I abstained the last time.

OH and LSU beat Auburn. Yay. because Bama was a swim coach at Auburn. 5th ranked... dammit.

I saved a bunch of Money on my Car Insurance...

... trite, but I really did. I don't like lizards.. but he is so cute :)

Ok, new adventure. I love the new job. I did not negotiate salary real well. Or not at all. My friggen bad. Because I still love it, but I have all kinds of new expenses... and I am now paycheck to paycheck. and this is new and bad and wrong.

I am the girl that could live on $20 a week if I had to. There were times in college when I had to. I should not have to now!

So I am looking for ways to cut mad expenses... and even into the logistics of a part time job. ugh. Need some help here.

Also, it would be most conveinent if Austin would open up. The city, or the job in the city. In the mean time, lets see what we can do here.

A State of Flux.

I say that is where I am today, but then again, aren't I always.

What's up peeps... it's been a minute.

Few things to get out of the way...

1. STOP TEXTING AND DRIVING.
Don't look at the screen and pretend to be all self righteous "I would NEVER do that... that's like driving after having a drink or two... that just NEVER happens!" Liar.

You know you do it, so stop it. Bunny hit a curb and blew our 2 tires. Lots of crying and considerable expense later, she is ok. it's an expensive lesson and it could be worse.

2. Remember that time that I was looking for a new job, and got a nibble from consulting firm... and thought this was an awesome oppurtunity... and it would be fantastic to have this job...

It is still freakin great. I have learned so much, gotten to touch so many bigger projects... and made a few mistakes. but it is a process and I am enjoying myself immensly... so much so...

3. I flirting with the possiblity of moving to Austin.

4. NOT FOR THE BOY

5. Because a certain someone has a few friends in Austin (not me) that could extend an even better oppurtunity to a certain someone else (ME!)... so we will see.

I am still working out the shift in the blog, so bear with me.

Also the weekend edition of Wall Street Journal has a really good profile of the Dalai Lama. You should check it out.

Next topic, so I don't forget, How come Hindu spirituality is not an attractive trait? Faith usually is, it is admirable, it is humbling, it shows substance (except in George W. Bush Jr.) but committment to Hinduism... is not something I would go to the movies with... dunno.

Emily's Reasons why not.

It's a book. I forget by whom, I do not remember the name of the authors of the books I read. Japan does. The basic premise is that you look at relationships and really LOOK. Once you have 10 valid reasons to say no, it is a no.

Japan is a no. Now let's see if I can get to 10. (this is working backwards, but I think the premise holds). We'll do 10 and I will tell you about the wonderful weekend in TX. Honestly, I'm glad I went. Sometimes you need to see possibility. He is not crazy, but he is a wanna-be modern day hippie. I think it will be interesting what he comes to after this has worn off.

1. If he has hurt you before, pay attention to that. A zebra cannot change his stripes... what was there very well may still be.

2. The guy that is in love with "women... the way they walk, the way they smell... women are beautiful goddesses" means that this guy is in love with himself. (period)

3. Hitting extremes. There is something to be said for conservative. for stable, for maybe not normal but wanting to create and give safety. If you live your life not knowing where you will be and you are fine with that, we no longer need to continue conversing.

4. The new age hippie. the yoga, raw-vegan (which is more extreme than even just Vegan... who knew that was possible?) is not cute. The "don't think about it... FEEL about it"... might calm me down from hyperventilating once... but after that, you need some new material.

5. Pot is still illegal. and it smells bad. like cigarettes, they are legal and even those are a deal breaker. ICK!

6. You are not going to meet my mom. Don't ask. Unless we have gotten to the point of seriously discussing forever and ever... YOU do not get to bring it up in conversation.

7. If he pays attention to every word you say in the beginning... that is good. If you see and hear him using your words to explain to you how he is everything you have ever wanted... RUN. The using of your verbage is manipulative. and shows lack of genuineness... and just don't fall for it.. it is bad.

How am I stuck at 7?

So I psych myself up to talk to Bama last week. I am no longer afraid of anything. I am female empowered... and in complete control here. I've know Japan forever, how could this hurt me? I need to see what is up here. If only not to run from it... oh how naive.

So I agree to meet him in Houston. We will play with the butterflies (which I love) and find lunch. If I don't think he is crazy I will go to Austin. If I do, I will go home.

I remind myself that I was unfair to Lemon. I feel like I should learn how not to be. I end up in Austin. The whole thing was nice. really great. like a dream, really. but driving home and talking today brought up a bit of reality. Japan is easy to fall into... and I just realized how lucky I am that he does not live in my city.

In the face of him... he is professing undying devotion... which was quick. he asks me to move to Austin, live with him...take my time and find something I WANT to do there. He offers me his world... but I know better than to take it.

He is on a "spiritual" journey which is marked by books like The Secret, The Peaceful Warrior, and the entire New Age section at Barnes and Nobles (he actually took me there to show me all of the books he was in the process of buying...wtf?). He is overly accommodating... which is scary... we will do whatever I want to do... which cannot possibly last. Pretty words aside, it was nice. we did do whatever I wanted to do... and played in creeks and climbed rocks.

and he "pitches for the relationship". all of it. with titles, and one day rings, and wants to meet my family for Thanksgiving... and I can't breath. again. So I just don't say. I tell him he does not understand what he asks for, and leave it at that. and he asks it in every way possible.

The way he is trying to be suffocating is at odds with the "spiritual path" he is on. He may just have found it, but it is the base of Hinduism that I have known my whole life. He is far from where he thinks he is... and too attached to his stuff. How can I say that? He just moved into a new (and nicer) apt. and gave all of his stuff away... to start over and create an environment of peace. If he was truly unmaterialistic... his apt would have been less nice... and he would not be replacing all of his possessions with the same things but in different colors, that is called 'redecorating' or 'makeover'

But then I get home (at 11 last night) and hit the ground running for work this morning. I forget the phone. He texts a couple of times today. I respond when I get home. He asks if he can call me, and I let him. We talk. He is asking if and when I will go back to Austin... and please let him fly me, because he was too nervous w/ me driving. I cannot breath part II. I tell him that he may not know how far he is on his "transformance" and that his attachment to me is not what he thinks it is.

He laughs and says he is not attached. He wants to see me again... but if he didn't he would be ok. In his mind he made the very best out of this weekend and had no regrets. So I have been tried? tested? His grand gesture? What was that? What just happened? what?

He recovers quickly... and maybe it my ego that has been slighted. I have watched my words all weekend not to tell him that I am not "falling for him"... but he can gush... and postulate... and forget my face, he swears he will. I don't even know what to do with that.

True to form, I make an excuse to get off the phone... and wish him a good evening. He asks "Wait, you're not even going to call me back?" to which I think I said "Sure"... translation "no way in hell". I delete his number from recent history (he hadn't even made it to the phone!) and chalk that up to a growing experience.

I don't think I need to offer the benefit of an explanation... I'm sure he can just "feel it".

Excel Certified, I am!

I have begun to talk back to my books. Not literally, but in a sense... yeah, I guess literally.

I did it with Shantaram... I wrote my thoughts and responses throughout the book. at the end of each part I wrote a page on the divider. Since then I've been jacked for that book, and have been trying to get it back to have my words ever since.

On to the Satanic Verses by Salman Rushdie. My initial responses...

1. What's the bid deal? He has a price on his head for this?
2. A lot of the elements and themes are like that of Midnight's Children (another of his books)
3. He is a hard read. I am only half way through from the 2 weeks I've been reading it.
4. He is hard because I lost interest 100 pages ago.

I dunno. Just not that into it. but I am making myself finish it. Now on to the controversy. I get that it is huge b/c he is Muslim, so are his main characters. and he gives them the bearings of an angel and demon and portray and struggle w/personifications of such. he gives modern life like verses and visions to very old religious stories.

In reflection, I'd rather analyse it and pick apart the way his characters see things, what they say, what they do... than take it in all at once. or in small spurts. or just read by myself with out the warm squishy understanding (and drinking?) of a book club.

so I have since started to write back. I'll let you know if I get anything interesting.

Also... New segment courtesy of Japan (I am still hesitant to fully blog him)... (he does not get to read the blog)... (because we are still suspect on whether this modern day hippie is nuts)

What I learned today: (this may be the new blog)
If you begin your day... and find a tiny hole near the back pocket of your jeans, please change your jeans. Even if they are your favorite jeans, even if this course of action will make you late. Change them.

If you do not change them, DO NOT wear hot pink underpants. It is not advisable.

Why? simple. because over the course of the day, you will break you back pockets. or the holes will magically get bigger leaving you hot pink bum a little more exposed than you would have liked. I'm just saying. hypothetically.

What I learned yesterday:
If you leave a cell phone in the refrigerator for a couple of hours, it will stop working... but the screen will say that it will allow emergency calls. You must turn it off and take the battery out... and let the whole thing thaw (some suggest sitting on it... some suggest sitting on it when it is fully functional as well... not me, Christmas!). Turn it back on, pray for it to work.... and promise it that you will never never do that again.

How that happened... I'm watching what I eat, so I have to pack lunch... or I will end up starving and eat anything. I left the house with not enough hands and put the phone in the lunch bag... and put the lunch bag in the fridge at work. I got angry email from Bunkles and began looking for the phone.

Not in purse, not in Blanca, not on the desk, didn't leave it at home... Surely, I did not! yep, yes I did.

NO FEAR!

Yesterday was the Big Girl conversation with Bama. and the prelim w/Japan. and the putting to rest DK's issues... and figuring out that Bunny is still messed up about David as is Tourettes' about the GoodChristian.. rounded out with Shy is about to be uber mad at me.

Also, I am debating between changing the direction of the blog or keeping it as it is (as it was what it was) and starting another for the direction I would want this to have. Or maybe to have something with direction.

Friday night/early Saturday Jolie had some tummy trouble. Which snow balled into a trip to the ER and Sunday afternoon her gall bladder was removed. I spent all of Sunday with her while they ran tests. I don't see her often, but if she calls me, if she needs me, I wouldn't be anywhere else.

She is cracked out... and half asleep. She mumbles "How was the talk with Bama?" I say it has yet to happen.

Jolie mumbly: It's all over the blog, honey. You are hurt.
K: No, it is a non-issue he's going away

Jolie: he might be leaving but you were still hurt. This is less about him and more about you.
K: stupid, guilty silence

Jolie: this may be the 1st time you have let yourself be vulnerable, but it is not the last time you will be.
K: more silence

Jolie: I thought you were going to stop living in fear... what are you afraid of? This is for you. To heal

She is right. I have told myself to... but the hippo-head in me says it is hard. But she is right. and though, I have never done it, I should learn how.

So I called and got vmail. he called and got vmail... repeat til yesterday about 3. It was his 'last day' of work. he took it as vacation. I ask for that talk we were supposed to have... he says it is to be yesterday or today because he leaves Wednesday. We say tentatively for today... and he shows up to circuit.

...and works out w/my group. and next to me.... and stretches w/ me. He asks if we should get a drink... I tell him he is going to walk the track. He laughs and says "you're making me work for it, aren't you? Well, you deserve it." yes I do.

So we walk. and talk. and I let him start. of course he is apologetic... but we get to the bad part and I tell him what I would have said if I had had the words. I tell him I liked him, and what he did hurt me. I tell him I felt like I threw myself at him and I was embarrassed and awkward... and infuriated that he seemed fine.

and he said... he knew he hurt me, he was sorry. he did not know the extent that it hurt, and no- he didn't know that I was really liking him. He further says he handled this the wrong way... that he asked and asked because he was attracted to me but he asked at times when his life was not right and his head was not there. He took the wrong approach and did not get to know me (i.e. my head) until it was too late... and then he was embarrassed that he did not have better to stand next to me with. that he thinks I am better than him.

He thanked me for letting him teach me how to swim (I can competitively swim now) and said that in his mind, it was his penance. and the way that he made peace with the awkwardness that non-relationship created.

He says I should never give a guy a chance that messes up in the beginning... that I should make them run (at this point we are jogging... to take the edge off of a heavy conversation) because I am worth it... and the guy who doesn't recognize it is stupid- like him.

obviously there was a lot more. but it was just a conversation. he could have been blowing smoke. but he's leaving and it doesn't matter. and I have the peace that is just as great as I thought it would be.

Yesterday's theme is Seal's Love Divine. it repeated all the way home, and as I delete all contact info for the Bama, it's ok. and I am ok. and I go see Tourettes to tell her to talk to the GoodChristian, put it on the table. humbly. talk to him. and leave it there.

Japan is a different text. and a bit of granola. how funny it is to see people you have known all your life... and what they have become.

A reasonable expectation to privacy, or the lack thereof

I think I have broken another laptop. Very scary. Now in search of someone who can fix it for less than Best Buy wants me to give them, for them to fix it. ick.

So now we are back to desktop. ick part II.

I have bad news for you guys... the world we live in that gives us a false but mostly consistent sense of semi-privacy is FALSE. I know you are shocked awed and alarmed. But if I told you that almost anyone could find you almost anywhere at anytime (or course provided you are not trying to be hidden) you might not believe me. It is so.

I got a call from Japan on Friday. (he is no longer stationed in Japan). He works for an engineering firm in Austin, TX. He now has degrees in Physics and some kind of engineering. I have not talked to him in 5 years.

The last time I talked to him, he called me crying in the middle of the night, because he found out there was a girl in Japan supposedly carrying his child. and she was in a car accident. He was flying back to see if his child was alive. Oh.

That was bad because though we did not officially 'date' I've known him for a very long time. We'd talked almost everyday for 2 years... eventually he asked me to marry him. and was working on the ring (as I did not think this a valid question without one).

and then there is another girl in another country with his possible child. We were not "together" because he was in a whole other country. What kind of a nut job considers herself to be with someone she sees 2x a year and thinks he would be faithful? but even he could not say beyond a shadow of a doubt that this was not his child (Friday August 24. 2007 he tells me it was not his child).

Does it look like a pattern? WHY IS THERE ALWAYS ANOTHER STINKING GIRL? AND WHY IS SHE COUPLED WITH GREAT BIG GRAND GESTURES OF I LOVE YOU AND WANT TO BE WITH YOU ETC. ETC. WHY?

and why do boys lie? for what reason? I am not your mom, I am not the law, I am not God.
I cannot send you to your room, I cannot send you to jail, I cannot send you to hell. There is nothing I can do to you...

and they get busted. or they bust themselves. why? it makes no sense.

And yet, that is not the best part. the best part is actually 2 parts...

I. He is calling to ask if I will come and see him in Austin for the Labor day weekend or if I will allow him to come see me here. He will buy the ticket if I want to fly... or he is willing to take the drive.

II. He got my phone number, with my address (this has yet to be confirmed), car and license plate (this info it the red Mirage that was totalled last year), along with a supposed background check (I want this info) off of one of those Internet searches that promises to find anyone for like $20.

I could not breath. It took all I had not to hyper-ventilate over the phone. Does it seem like some stalker sh*t? Does that even look slightly familiar.

Jesus H. Christ this is not good.

and it raises some great big friggen questions.

1. what is it? what is it about me that brings out the crazy?
2. how much of the information he has is accurate, how did he get it, how do I get my info pulled off of those things.
3. what is it there being another freakin girl? I mean really? Bama, Dk, and him.
4. again, what is it that made him resort to a stalker like mode of behavior? what? how did he think this was ok? i had one. a whole stalker, then the boogie man, and now him. wtf?

So I say "we will talk about it" because that was all I could squeak out.

The follow up voicemail is apologetic "I didn't mean to frighten you" really cuz you did.

"because it kind of felt like I did" because that is exactly what you did

"But I really want to see you, so please think about it"

Is it the Marine syndrome of wanting a girl pining for you in a myriad of cities? what is that?

but as scared as I am, it is a conversation I am going to have. I am not flying there, and I do not want him here. So maybe I will take the drive. I have the family of a friend I could stay with... and I can leave whenever I wanted... good God what am I doing... but part of me has to know.

Who was it that says if you get the same thing from enough people and the only unchanging variable is you... maybe it has something to do with me?

and I am going to talk to Bama. Lots of phone tag today... but Monday is his official last work day and I am going to do this. because apparently I may have this situation (if not person) again, so the faster we get the 1st out of the way... the easier the next will be.

You got this? I got this.

I'm going to take a pepto.

Don't ask me for cake, cuz I'm not sharing.

Right out the gate, I have no title. perhaps by the end I will.

Yesterday was the great big birthday. All in all, very good day.

I will give you the highlights and then on to Rushdie- or we will do Rushdie tomorrow, I think that is more like it.

Mom sent me beautiful flowers. she is smirky and smug when I get flowers from a boy. She says "Let me guess... roses? Honestly! No imagination" I don't know 1/2 the names of the stuff in the arrangement, but it was color scheme and set that could and would only come from mom.

I spent Christmas in Vegas w/ my family. Close to the end I figured out it would have been cool to give Lemon a poker chip from each of the casino's on the strip. I.e. I thought of you here. and here. and here. and here too.

But I didn't think of it until the last day. When I'd already packed and my purse was with my things to go to the airport so I had no license on me while we are eating lunch.

My uncle is told I want this. He does not know why I want this, he really doesn't care. He is only concerned with the idea that this is something I expressed that I want. He is convinced we could do this in like 20 min (on Christmas Day. On the strip among everyone and their grandmothers). Needless to say it didn't happen. But i got a package yesterday with a B-day card ,a gift certificate... and a zip lock bag of 27 $1 chips from the different casinos.

Because he loves me.

:)

It reminds me that while some girls look husbands like their dads, I would want someone who was like him.

Stupidly I tried to workout. P-day called me out and scooped me up in front of everybody. I'm 5' 7". It is disconcerting to picked up like a 2 year old. I forgot my brace and left early.

Shy stops me to give me a package... I did not take it and told him I would be right back. He calls today to ask why I didn't get my present, I tell him Bunny's b-day is Friday and I didn't want mine unless she got a present too. (the clutch she gave me is tan snake skin and SO ugly. but I did not tell her so).

Rounded out w/ JB made me lasagna and we killed a bottle of Italian Pinot Grigio that was over priced but came in a wicked cool bottle. Which was the retardo birthday choice. I had the leftovers today... and they made me sick

Bama-Tj's last day of work was yesterday. I saw him briefly, he came over to talk as I was leaving but got mauled mid-conversation. And I didn't have the balls to say it. That is the anti-climax. I walked away. and kept walking.

and he will leave in the next few days, and that will be it. I think that was a bit of a present too.

I am further humbled by the calls and texts I got. I am AMAZED at some of the people that remembered. Honestly, how? but good day. better than I could have hoped for.

and the best present of all... a little bit of peace.

MY NEW JOB IS FREAKIN AWESOME.

Is it just me... or does that title also look like it is an invite to countdown how long it takes for new job to be not freakin awesome AT ALL?

so the exact title on the new business cards... which are on their respective way... say

Corporate Training Coordinator for E&I (Environmental & Infrastructure)

Consulting Firm (ish) is also a Fortune 500 company (albeit barely) one of 3 with a huge presence in LA. Our state is just not good to companies... in fact our tax laws suck. In fact all of our politics suck... in fact Jindal is not the answer only a manufactured candidate, but we have to try him because he is the lesser evil and a novel Catholic Desi. What just happened in that paragraph?

Oh, and the 1st day... friggen sweet. Orientation was 2 hours but interesting. after badges, I got to hit the ground running on a conference call with the head of all other aspects of training (because I have an idea of what I am doing..or not at all :). Got pulled for lunch with the head of one of the serpents... ate with her... pulled again by the Head Recruiter whom I 1st interviewed with. My boss is out of town this week... so he says I get to eat with him... I told him I just ate.. He says ...

"We are expensing it, and a private chef is making it... so eat again. or take it home. I know the other manager... she will try to feed you salad... that is not food".

Other manager DID feed me salad. and it was not from the private chef!

So post lunch I am enlightened to the fact that I am not "in the system" so I can not log on to computer... and tell you guys how righteous my day is... so I am given an office depot catalogue and told to "PIMP my cube"... we'll come back to that.

Recruiter casually happens by and scoops me up for a "chat". Which was hours of him talking about EVERYTHING. He is fascinating to be sure. and I can learn a lot from him. about my job, about his job, about how to do well at this company. He has taken a shine to me...

... and then the little voice in my head hears the last explosive conversation I had with Shy. To which he expostulates...

"You don't even know how hard I work for you. I am putting your name in the right ears all the time. You will get Northwestern if you want it, Firm will pay for schooling if you stay in LA, and you will move up there. Provided you don't set anything on fire, you are golden there."

I question his motive and am adamant that I can and AM doing this on my own. Further what does he get out of the situation? He says "I get to love you from afar". This is too weird. I tell him I don't want it. Nothing is free and I am not for sale. Not for a job, not for a school... not at all.

He feels insulted.

I don't know what else to do. I think he is not talking to me again (would anyone that is shocked and dismayed... and does not understand that he will get over it in 2.5 seconds... please read the archived entries of this blog).

Swim Lessons. At the end of this month (maybe before) I am going to see about taking a class at LSU. Bama is good. Bama has cancelled 2x since Thursday. (which secretly worked out well for me) but he is getting ready to go away... and he has a lot to wrap up. I understand.

I also understand that this is now a non issue. (I've typed that before) But all of the quality time has not been weird. We have always been able to avoid the "us" conversation for polite and at times more pressing issues... and it is not that important.

It was because I am me. and I felt slighted. and I lacked being comfortable enough to express... but now I could. and he is not the person that needs to know it. It would do no good. and the next time with someone else, I have better to offer. so yay me.

Whew! Big post. Later I will tell you why I heart August. It is the best month ever. and much like last August... full of YAY ME!

Dream Weaver.

I might be a little harsh on the Malty Milt Head. He is all over this horror-scope thing. and I don't so much buy into it. I think it's wild how illogical it is that such a successful person really takes this as little hints on what his real life will hold. It just doesn't make good sense.

and yet... I think I have a couple of superstitions as well. Well, at least one.

I am reminded of this as I woke up to the alarm clock at 530 this morning (because TODAY is my technical last day at Chase... we'll get there... Please hold) with the remnants of a dream still fuzzy in my head. as I shook it loose and mulled it over, I thought "Sh*t. Now it's never going to happen."

that is my superstition. If I dream a situation... it is not going to turn out that way. It might not be the EXACT opposite, but whatever happened in my dream is EXPLICITLY not going to happen. It weird, but it's kind of tried and tested.

And it's kind of obvious that whatever I am dreaming is something weighing on my mind. be it sub or conscious. It is not so disappointing... except it crosses out a possibility. or maybe I'm just dumb f*cking myself.