4/16/07- 2 of ?

Not on the list... but it needs to go up.

You know why girls don't want to look overly interested in a guy? Because we are afraid of looking like Jaws (like my Jaws... not Jaws w/a trademark). Case in point.

Thursday (or Friday, I forget) I had to text Bunkles "Don't be mad at me because this is your fault". He immediately calls back.

He asks what I did... I gave Jaws his #... because he was out for a week and she has asked me about him everyday... and then she asked if he still had a Chicago #... and how could I lie?... so I caved and gave her his #. He says he will just avoid her. She is under the impression they are close... I don't correct her because it is not my business.

Before Bunkles decided to behave himself in a relationship, he had a LOT of fun. We are hella cool... he tells me all about it. He and Jaws boinked and she has been messed up about him ever since. He casually steps to the side. It's like watching a train wreck... and she really believes he is just around the corner from asking her out.

See? We never know if we are being side-stepped... and that happend like maybe almost 2 years ago. I am sad for Jaws. .. but if I were a guy I wouldn't be interested either. She is an angry, bitter little cuss

anyway. I am glad he is back because I have had to walk the 2 blocks to my car everyday! and that is just wrong.

4/16/07- 1 of ?

The title is today's date... and indicative of this is expected to be one of several posts.

We have lots to discuss, in shorts...

1. This was the repeater weekend. People just do NOT GO AWAY. Ever.
2. Why do we all still have a caveman mentality when it comes to rain?
3. My movie was fantastical.
4. Moms are great. Especially mine.
5. My precious precious sunshine is precious precious and sunshine.
6. Blanca is having her oil changed... and apparently something was recalled on her. (!)
7. Banquet is turning into a blind date. There is just no way that this is going to be good.

In descending order...

7. Business blah-blah hall of fame banquet is tomorrow. It has something to do w/ Junior Achievement and corporate sponsorship... My awesomely awesome bureaucratic dinosaur of an employer has a table, and I have official tickets. I meant to have a real date... but then I remember that I have no prospects (and this is not at all depressing!). Dream Killer is trying not to make if obvious he is making fun of me... and offers himself. I reserve the safety, secretly hoping that ANYBODY will pop up before hand. (anyone taller than me that is public friendly and wears a suit well... no dice)

This morning my Community Relations Director emails me. They overbooked and have an investment banker that is to be honored without a place at our table. I was the only one too scared to be in a room with so much networking potential that I needed a date. She asks if it is ok if investment banker is my date.... ummmmmmmm How do I say "No!" so I say it's ok. Oh this is not going to be good.

6. That's kind of self-explanatory. I am about to go pick her up. I love that thing, it is really sad how wonderful she is. Even Chicago knows how much I love this. He still says "So I will see you and the Jeep in May?" He sent her an E-card. how cute.

5. My god-daughter can say "DeeDee". She is sweet and looks just like a precious moment's doll! I finally found a minute to see her yesterday. She stretches to hug me and holds out her hand for mine! and I melt. *sigh*

4. is gonna be a bigger post. Gotta go get the baby.

If you can do it, I can do it.

Bianca passed the bar! 3rd time is apparently a charm. So did the overacheiver.
Darling Ricky was a no. I think he's done it like 3-4 times now. (Update: Dk has corrected me its more like 5. and it's about $500 a pop to retake.)He hasn't even conditioned. and I feel stupid for agonizing over the peat and lesser re-peat of the LSAT.

Further update, I think I was set up in finding this out. I was going to pull up the pass list on line and DK advised against it. He says let people tell me if they want me to know. I got a text from Bianca and got excited and texted Darling Ricky. He sent back a simple "no" and I felt horrified and sad. So I asked if he conditioned. Again "no" so now I've made it worse. I ask if he wants to come downtown w/some friends later for an outdoor concert... I'll buy him a drink. again "NO". Now I feel like I've made it all worse. Ricky calls DK who texts me to tell me about the depression Ricky is about to slip into. and I further feel bad. Know what DK is most concerned about? Lunch.

and like the title suggests... this should be the kick in the head to get my sh*t done. If they can do this, I can do this. And do it well.

That is where we are people. Back on track. Planning for Costa Rica and we're gonna get the apps out. Somehow there is more to life than being stuck in neutral, hiding in one's shell. Which is what I have done for too long. I got this. You got this? I got this.

Life Takes Visa....

or maybe American Express?...For Everything Else There's Visa/Mastercard. For all of those moments that are just priceless.

*just in case you needed further proof that I am the world's biggest dork*

Really quick because I have to hurry to wait for yet another pointless meeting... 2 stories.

1. One Day I will not care so much what other people think.

Case in point, in Barnes and Nobles, my friendly completely commercial book seller. I can't find a decent thing to buy unless you go with some title to look for then you want to buy everything else... and I want a new book. I have nothing to read.

As I have no purpose... I am meandering aimlessly. I see the Barack Obama (sp?) books that are all the rage and the look too heavy for my wandering mind. I see Mandela's offering and I am ashamed that it too looked too serious.

Know what I ended up with? "Everyone You Need to Know" by the author of "The Devil Wears Prada". Chic Lit. It took me an afternoon to read. it was bubble-gummy and exactly like the Devil. So it exemplifies the genre it defines. and also the lack of intellect that I brought with me.

The second is "An Enduring Love" by Farah Pahlavi. The former queen of Iran. Her memoir. Interesting enough, but also exactly what you would expect from a first lady. It looked interesting enough, especially coming from the perspective of one so close to what was supposed to be a Civil Revolution from a stagnant Middle Eastern country. Er?

The last being a book of goofy quizzes and what they say about you. Psycho babble. Tourettes is full of the "finding oneself" and I thought it would be funny to do on a Friday w/ pizza and beer.

I go to pay and stop short. The guy checking people out is a Philosophy major. I know because he told me when I bought something on Socrates. He is under the impression that I am smart. I look at the books in my hands and carefully weigh how this will change his opinion. Why do I care? He's ok-looking but not that cute, not that I am trying to pick up someone that works in a bookstore... and would it have bothered me if it was girl? hmmmm... dunno.

So a newer little guy catches my eye and opens a register to check me out. I FLOAT over to him. Happy to have avoided explaining my purchases. He says "You look rather happy!" and I tell him my story anyway. He laughs and says "whew... you were close! Did you want me to have him check you out?" and I say no thank you.

In other news...

2. I am not spending $ un-neccessarily because I am going to find a way to go to Costa Rica. Fine tune my spanish and learn how to surf. Plus I have bathing suit from this year and last year that haven't gone anywhere. and if I don't see a beach soon... my head will explode.

It is important to me as a person. To my developement. and I really really wanna! So I have to save the chicken-feed they pay me with. However, I bought these shoes on-line and somehow this website found it fit to email me suggestions from my personal shopper. Sounds crap, right?

Except that the suggestions are beautiful! and everything in me is screaming that I need these shoes! why? because I can walk in bond-girl heels, and I have suits! and they would look smashing. and the pic is only two of the beautiful offerings by Michael Kors! and they are $100... and should be closer to $350!

But no! I have the discipline of a bond girl! I am going to Costa Rica and that takes money. or visa. Whichever.

The Capacity to Forgive

During the "afternoon drive to the gym" I am talking to the Dream Killer.

He brings up an ex-girlfriend. She is Bangladeshi. She is the girl he thought he would marry. She cheated and left him for a Bangladeshi guy her parents liked. That guy cheated on her and beats the hell out of her. She still calls the dream killer occasionally. He used to answer, but talking to her brings drama from her boyfriend.

On my end... I never asked him not to talk to her, even when he mentioned her damn near every day. One day he just stopped. He said something a bit later and I said "There we are, I almost started to miss her" and he realised how much he talked about her. From a woman's point of view, you want another woman to have an out to a bad situation. If he said he was over her and I was trying to be with him, I had to trust that. To his credit, that never bit me- and he has always been worthy of that trust. Which is how I can tell anyone that I am over it and there are no complications and know it to be true.

But in talking about her, he no longer talks to her, and says he no longer will. I have known him for years and I know his capacity for forgiveness better than anyone. We have definitely tested that in each other. But for whatever reason, we do. and we can. and that he can not with her really made me go "huh?"

This is an email Bat-girl sent me a while ago. and it goes up because I can see it, and maybe there was a time that I could not.

Some of it has been taken out for the sake of brevity. Let me know if you want the full thing.

I Believe

I believe-
That we don't have to change friends if we understand that friends change.

I believe-
That no matter how good a friend is,
they're going to hurt you every once in a while and, you must forgive them for that.

I believe-
That true friendship continues to grow, even over the longest distance.
Same goes for true love.

I believe-
That it's taking me a long time to become the person I want to be.

I believe-
That you can keep going long after you can't.

I believe-
That we are responsible for what we do, no matter how we feel.

I believe-
That either you control your attitude or it controls you.

I believe-
That regardless of how hot and steamy a relationship is at first, the passion fades and there
had better be something else to take its place.

I believe-
That money is a lousy way of keeping score.

I believe-
That sometimes the people you expect to kick you when you're down, will be the ones to help you get back up.

I believe-

That sometimes when I'm angry I have the right to be angry, but that doesn't give me the right to be cruel.

I believe-
That just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have.

I believe-
That no matter how bad your heart is
broken the world doesn't stop for your grief.

I believe-
That our background and circumstances may have influenced
who we are, but we are responsible for who we become.

I believe-
That just because two people argue, it doesn't mean they don't love each other, And just
because they don't argue, it doesn't mean they do.

I believe-
That you shouldn't be so eager to find
out a secret. It could change your life forever.

"I've been to the dark side, I've eaten the candy!"

Sound-byte come courtesy of Tourettes.

We spent the 4.2 miles of the lakes discussing the lack within ourselves. and how unfortunate that it may be the very same lack.

Which brings to light an interesting question... Is our issue the same because our approach is the same? Are we drawn to each other because of these similarities or have we fed off of each other to create similar difficiencies?

Bottom line: we are trying to be better. and better in having and keeping relationships. all relationships, not just romantic ones.

Why? because the Church she works for held a Love & Respect conference... and she has the tapes. and is explaining how men and women think differently. and we are figuring out that we do not know anything.

She further says that while I may think I "put it out there" for a certain someone... I ran when he said "talk" and that was not good. She calls me petulant that I think he is supposed to recognize that I am the Sun. Because he is formidible star in himself. and lots of people may think he is great also... and be willing to express it better and throw it out there with more effort than I do.

Sound familiar? Like David's gripe about Bunny... and why she is not his bunny. So bunny has the problem we do? I dunno.

Did Dream Killer call it when he points out an entitlement complex? Well how much stock can we really put into what DK says. He ripped me a new one yesterday. Apparently, though I am spending more time at the gym- and stuff has moved... I am not healthier. I didn't change my eating habits, I have more grey hairs and am more stressed, I am skittish and unsettled, and haven't finished my personal statement or apps. Hence I lack focus. and he thinks I'm losing too much weight and says the point of going to the gym was to be healthier.

I say "No, no I just wanted to look a certain way". He lost his cookies right about there.

He further goes on to say that is what he loved about his last g/f (though he swears they weren't "dating"). He says that while she was no me... she was comfortable with her, and that made her slightly more attractive. Ok, I get that everybody is incredibly comfortable with themselves except for me. So the other burning question is how do I get there?

In other news... the tables have officially flipped. On a certain someone... she says "call him. talk to him" I say... I can't. and I can't. How can I? How could I? He is supposed to make over effort. Not me. (and besides... is it not glaringly obvious that I don't know what I'm doing?!)

I feel like I sound like and idiot and today blogging isn't helping.

But the point we are trying to get to is clearing the hurdle to actual boyfriend. Why? ummm mom bought me a wedding sari and I feel just a little bit like a loser that I can't get there in my own time. Maybe I'm just now doing this right. What sucks worse, is that I am spoiled when it comes to guys. Again, as much as you know women who meet all the worst guys... granted I've met them too... but my ratio for princes is just to great for me not to find one that fits. ick.

I need a new hobby.

err.. I mean j-o-b.

This is today's project. To Become an M&M (click that to get there)

This is what I came up with. and I don't think she looks like me. Dream Killer says I didn't need to become an M&M because I'm the one that's nuts. Stupid pun.

Her name is Princess Kiran Esquire. and she has bond girl heels. and a pink aura.

No sell-outs here.

I imagine this is what swagger must feel like, and if it is... then apparently I have some.

How to set this one up? This has been an interesting weekend. Through a benedryl, aleve cold and sinus, and musinex haze. In other news... Mom and grams are back from India... Mom bought me a wedding sari. Granted it's only one of 3 (white, yellow, and intricate dark red and gold- i got the third)... but imagine your mother buying you a wedding dress... just because. (oh this is SO not good).

So mom has been hinting about the "soon it will be time for you to marry", and I politely remind her that while she is free to express an OPINION it is still my choice, and I can say no to anyone she throws at me.

PhD from a while back is in town for a week. He leaves on Wednesday. Need a refresher? Click PhD.

Mom was pulling hard for him. But I had to like him, and I don't. at all. let me say that again... AT ALL.
His PhD is in Chemistry and he is an assistant professor at a university. He is here to take a trip to Mississippi to get info on a research project over the summer for Diabetes and Cancer research. Fairly impressive. So he is smart. Want to know what he does in his spare time? He drinks.

Bear in mind, I am not so much of a hypocrite that I am judging. But yesterday I watched him drink 10 bottles of Michelobe Ultra (and I felt the need to point out he drinks like a freshman sorority girl) in about 3 hours. Actually 2.5 because we changed bars at some point.

I got schmucked because Avi (whom I adore like a my little brother) asked me to come see 300 w/them. He, Phd, me, Avi's sis, and her boyfriend. It was chill. Sis and boyfriend went to see another movie. The rest of us were going to play pool but ended up at Hooters. I take no issue with this.

At some point the Dream Killer calls and I answer and invite him out. He asks who is there and he laughs for a solid 3 minutes. He laughs so hard he starts to cry. He correctly surmises that either 1. the casual "get together" is not going well and i need him to save me or 2. i'm just trying to spread the weird around.

A little of both. but there is no way I could ditch them with it looking like a ditch. So per Dk's request we move to a different bar that was closed because it was Easter. We ended up at Chilli's because you can always count on a corporate chain to be completely souless and profit driven.

We are sitting in the bar area (Avi is 17/18 and couldn't sit at the bar) and talking, it is chill and laid back. PhD notices I am wearing boots w/heels and he asks how tall I am... I said something like "I'm not going to tell you" he says... and this is the sound-byte of the night... "That is why you are single". Excuse me?

This yuk-head says I'm bossy. Why do I care what you think? He says he is single because he is a p***y. I can see that. He is cocky as all get out... oh and he drank 10 beers in 2.5 hours. He is quite lacking in charm. Being a professor of sorts, he talks about how many girls throw their flower at him. and in talking to me he says that he is not one to beg... hmmmm someone told me that recently. and it is still funny.

The comeback that was on the tip of my tongue (and fortunately stayed there) was... "and yet I am a citizen and can offer a green card, mother f*cker. if you aren't begging yet... give it a minute, you will be"

I don't ask anyone to beg. I don't. and when it has happened... it does not make me want to date you, it makes me run. It is not a requirement of someone who wants to date me. But here is the thing that I am starting to figure out. (and this is where the swagger comes in)... and maybe it is a by-product of "if you hear something enough times you start to believe it"... I am a great catch. and I'm not going to be with someone who does not see it that way also. Further, I don't want to date someone that I don't also see as a great catch. Because I want to be able to love and respect the person I am with. And I am getting closer to being in the frame of mind to be open to that.

This being single thing is getting frustrating. but it is Waaaaay better than being with the wrong person. and last night was an official NO on the arranged marriage thing. again. why? because Indian parents (maybe moreso than other parents) do NOT know their sons like they think they do. Each believes they have Krsna incarnate. I have yet to see that true.

So his summation of me? Preface with we were ragging on Avi who is not a virgin, and he points out that neither is anyone at the table- bear in mind that I am the only girl. PhD says, "wow! I had no idea that you were so cool. you curse, you drink, and you've slept around". To this I say "check please" and DK contains the crazy that was about to knock PhD smooth the f*ck out.

:)

This is today's theme song... I hesitate to give it to you because it may end up being the song for the entire summer. Today is friggen great. Why? Life is great. Why? Because while I would like some things to be different, I have no real issues. Rock out... bigger post to come.



It is Rob Thomas... Streetcorner Symphony.

If I was a super hero, my special power would be heart.

because I believe it is the strongest thing in me and though you may not know, my heart can heal the world. In theory. Because everything works in theory.

DeeDee is out of town. She and her 2 kids and husband are in Houston until Sunday.

That leaves her in-laws (father and mother) and her brother at her house. At 76 her father in-law has decided that he wanted a part time job in this country. So a retired 2nd grade school teacher in India, is now an evening stock clerk at Wal-Mart. I don't understand it either.

DeeDee is mortified and embarrassed. What will people think? It isn't for the money and he says it is the nicest part of his day. I understand that.

As she and husband are out of town, she asks me to drop him to work and pick him up. I have no issues with that. She says she can make arrangements so I could just drop or just pick up. I tell her not to worry, I've got him, and I do.

Talking to him this morning, he says a lot of stuff. Some in English, some in Hindi, some in Gudjrati. I didn't get all of it, I usually don't. I tell him I will see him at 4:45.

I show up and he has made me tea. It is Indian chai... you should only drink chai made from someone's hands. The stuff in the box or at coffee shops is wretched and it's not real chai.

DeeDee's brother (who lives with her) works at a store 5 minutes (or less) from the Wal-Mart the old man is to go to. He gets off 15 minutes before the old man. He will not wait for 10 minutes for the old man.

The old man told me that I should come for tea but he would not need the ride to work, but he would love to see me. As I am drinking tea, brother calls and tells the old man that he wants tea but the old man is not to be in the same room- he wants to drink his tea alone. and further, if the old man is not ready on time, the brother will leave the old man. The old man curses in Hindi, and asks me to still drop him to work. Of course I will.

Brother comes to tea. We pass pleasantries and he is embarrassed I am here to see the old man. He says not to worry he will take care of the old man. Old man says he will keep my number in case he needs it.

As I drop the old man to his Wal-Mart he lights up with the biggest smile. He says "I am glad you came. I feel like you are my daughter". He shakes my hand and passes the other over my head (it is a form of blessing that an elder gives a child). and today I am happy to have been in the right place at the right time.

I need a hug.

I'm not kidding.

I feel like a monkey's bum.

I'm not kidding about that either.

Claritan didn't fix anything. My face hurts, my throat hurts, I have a small fever. and I want to curl up under my desk and rest.

I can't leave work because I will drive to N.O. to see my movie. Which would be counter productive. No I'm still going to do that.

I didn't do it on Tuesday because it rained and that would have been irresponsible to drive back in the middle of the night, in the rain, and have to get up early the next day.

Everyone is off for Good Friday but us. I would be Christian or Catholic or whatever to have a day off. I'm that kind of free-time harlot. I will sell all of my beliefs and some of yours.

$10 says I can get Bunkles to go get orange juice for me from the corner market. My basic strategy is going to be threatening to sneeze on him. or on his stuff and just not tell him... that should do it.

UPDATE AT 3:45 PM. i am still juice-less. I pull the sad face and Bunkles promises to go and get me the juice. I give him my debit card to pay for it and he pats me on the head and scoots me out of the room. I see him flitting about later and pull the confused puppy head shift (to the right... the left says something else) and he says "ooooooooohhhhhh, my bad I forgot".

Since I didn't have to threaten him to get the promise I still have a threat in my back pocket. As I still have no juice (and it is now 15 min til market closes) I have told him that one day when I am good and sick I will lick a red bull and give it to him. and the germs will take care of him.

Reggaeton can't fix everything.

I just heard the Luny Tunes remix of Paris Hilton's "Stars are Blind". and I say again... dropping a latin beat to a sucky song does not make it suck less.

and yeah, thought I would feel the need to pull the former post... not yet.

It is rainy today. I love rainy days. Today was also Dentist Day. I love going to my dentist. Now they take my blood pressure too. My dentist is fussing at me because my blood pressure is a bit higher than he would like to see it. Excuse me? My tonsils are also a little swollen because of sinuses... he recommends consistent Claritan. and further the hygenists are excited about the parafin wax thing... they put my hands in it and then leave me in mitts.

Oh my teeth are perfectly fine by the way.

I wanted to f*ck off for the rest of the day. Snipping with Lemon yesterday left me in the most foul of dispositions. Why the angry gum-ball from his end. I don't know. I admit I should not have called him an a** that time, but what have I done besides that?

On a better note... Pandora has gifted me with a song from the Delerium soundtrack- the Cirque de Soleil show that was Bunny's and I's date. We had dinner at Tsunami and saw the show. It was amazing. Which goes without saying. I love everything they do. Having seen a couple, and gotten to talk to a couple of people close to the concepts...I am amused that I can explain their elements better. and I love the re-occuring concepts using similar elements and all the same mediums but wrapped up and marketed differently. :)

IT'S A MOVIE!

Let me preface this with this very well may be the single most personal and profound post to date. ugh.

Jhumpa Lahiri's novel "The Namesake" is now a movie. She is one of my favorite writers, one of the first I ever related too, and a woman who's words make me want to put down my pen as I may never be worthy to have my words sit next to hers.

If you read you will know that the cultural issues that Bama made up were sparked with a lecture centered around some of her other work. I hate the commercialization that has come with every minority having a genre of literature (ok fiction) to say there is that niche for them. Largely because it gives way to so much bad writing being published. I for one have had it with chic lit and urban fiction, it's just not good.

But this! wow. It's a movie. I have to see it! I hurridly pull it up on my yahoo page to see where it is in my city. Then I search it under movies. Then I search the closest theater to me... It's in New Orleans. Dammit!

I don't know who I would consider to go with me. least of all if it was in my city and not new orleans. I can tell you that I will probably cry. a lot. and that would be embarrassing. and then to drive an hour out and back.

I have way more bouncing around in my head over this, I just cannot manage to articulate it. I don't care if it is bad, I have to see it. To see the characters I internalized and saw so many of the people the way I know them... wow. I bloody well will get lost in new orleans looking for a theater.

Yeahhhhhhh.... Repeater!

So Gators won! David the Magnificent Weirdo and I are going to buy shirts. David the magnificent Weirdo and I had the most interesting conversation in a sports bar last night watching the game. Dream Killer won a Miller Lite bracketed basketball in honor of the tournament that he gave to me because I was the only girl. David the Magnificent Weirdo and I threw the limes from our Coronas at the Dream Killer. David the Magnificent Weirdo is as magnificent as he is weird.

but the coarse of the conversation turned to Bunny, as is expected... He is how I know her... she was to be his bunny. Somehow they did not survive the sift and she is not his bunny. Except that this is what I call her. Davids-Bunny. I heart the weirdo, even if he is weird. we have an 'interesting' dynamic. As I have said, we do not cut words with each other, in the beginning this was harsh... now it is respect. onward.

So he has a new girl he is about to ask to be the girlfriend (he is about to be 30... and he confirms that guys still have to ask). I say why her and not bunny? I heart bunny. I want bunny to have whatever she wants. Not to say she definitely wants David, but she knows she wanted him to ask (shockingly familiar). He says the new girl is pretty plus. That means personality, looks, education, and all about him (there are 2 more things but I forgot them... I think they are at the bottom of my Corona bottles). But the best way that he describes her is that "we have the same kind of connection that you and I have. But with romantic potential" Awwwww... thinly veiled compliments are always appreciated. He says Bunny requires too much- that she wants him to chase her... (well... duh!) and not give any effort on her part.

He likes her, he says he does. but in the face of someone who is making overt effort... she looks like less. and I understand that. He asks me to weigh in, and I say I am not qualified until I've met the other one. For now I am overly biased (and I am secretly massively pulling for Bunny!). He says for Bunny to look like and option she would have to call him. My eyes sparkle and he says "and NOT because you told her to!" So, she had to call him while we were at the bar and he held my phone so I couldn't text anymore.

She didn't call. Ick. and the conversation raises some interesting trolls... I thought (and maybe still think) that guys don't take it so seriously when they are being pursued. and that part of the best part of being a girl is the whole courtship process... maybe as we get older it get different? hmmmm dunno.

In other news... The annual Banquet for Junior Achievement is quickly approaching. It is better than the breakfast, and just dinner. It is for corporate sponsorship and board member, and pillars of the community etc etc. and This year I get the formal invite. and I am thinking I should like a real date instead of a safety. Will let you know how that goes.

p.s.

I like the Gators for tonights match-up. and yay same starting line up as last year.

felt the need to express that. awwww.... remember the time we tried to fill out brackettes and they never seem to go right. oh well.

We will now return to your regularly scheduled Monday.

HOW DID YOU GET THAT IN YOUR EAR?!

Guess what. I am a mommiey. I have 2 kids and I heard myself saying this at lunch. I flew home because I had no cell phone, checkbook, disk with resume on it, had to pick up 2 ball gowns to go to the cleaners as I am picking up the red one and dress coat after work... anyway you get the idea... I left with nothing but my keys and coffee this morning.

When my cocker spaniel (Lady Alexis on paper... Lexi in practice... Dammit Dog! on any given day) split her ear on Saturday I cleaned her ears then. With foamy stuff, cotten balls, q-tips, and the anti-biotic ointment just in case. She is a cocker... she gets her ears in places for no reason. Scotchie is amused by this so I grab him and clean his ears out too... just in case. He has a bit of an ear infection... which he did when we found tumor. Apparently all of the anti biotics he got didn't touch his ear.

It didn't bother him for a while but now he is shaking his head quite often... which in dog speak means something is irritating him. While I am grabbing stuff at lunch, he follows me around as he does. He is shaking his head which means he is having issues.

So I pull out the little bucket and have to sit on him to clean his ears. One is fine. the infected one is gross. But feels much better after it has been cleaned out. He gets ointment and his treat and bounces away. I scoop up the little one and get ready for round 2. She is not new to this, she behaves. I am cleaning the foam with a cotten ball and then q tip and found the nastiest crap in her little ears. and what looked like watermellon seeds. ewww.

and Scotchie is trying to embarrass me to the neighbors. Last night while I pull into the drive way, he runs out of the gate and down the street. I go after him and watch agast as he runs under someone's carport and in their backyard. I don't know that neighbor and didn't want to trespass. So I wait at the driveway for him. He runs out and runs home. I see him fly past me with something in his mouth. I follow him home and try to catch him before he buries what he stole. It is 1/2 of another dog's very big bone. He has one just like it. Somehow I could not bring myself to knock on their door at 10 at night to return it. So my Scotchie is still hoarding his ill-gotten gain.

He is my canine klepto. To go with my 78 year old candy klepto. I believe I will make a set out of this yet!

There is such a thing as TOO skinny.

and it's not cute.

The pic is Paris Hilton. Shopping for Tourettes yesterday we are in the Limited and I give her a pair of pants that are a 0. They fell off of her. It was not at all cute. Back to Paris... This is her last Saturday at Hugh Hefner's 81st birthday party at the Palms in Las Vegas. How did I get it? Chicago. He is an investment banker for a very big investment company. and does something for the playboy empire that requires him to entertain, and thus he gets to be entertained by all of the bunnies at all of the parties. Including Miami for the superbowl.... and he sends me all of the pics. Like this is something I am lacking in my life. Playboy bunny pics. Don't get me wrong, they are not scandelous- just party pics but still.

His comeback is that we are so cool he sees me as one of the guys. I guess it is meant to be a compliment. but c'mon.

While I'm here, let's talk about Chicago for a min... it's a good story. I've seen him in person 1 time for like 10 minutes. and that was at least 4 years ago.

The day Tourettes divorce was finalized was a bad day for her. She calls me crying and I am willing to do whatever she needs. We take the drive to New Orleans on a Friday. Saw John Mayer at JazzFest and played on Bourbon street. The guy at the cigar shop remebered us from Mardi gras of that year (those guys are from El Salvador- they roll the cigars by hand) and the little guy didn't charge us for our cigars... and wanted to come play with us. We left him there. The point of that was to tell you that this is what made Tourettes see men as objects of entertainment. She decided to make out with every guy she thought was cute. Ick.

and there were a lot of guys on that street. I am not drinking, my role here is to try to contain the crazy. and pull her away from scary guys.

So I am waiting for my friend and an indian guy walks up to me and says "You're indian" I say "you're quick" he says "you're beautiful"... he now has my attention.

I tell him my name and he didn't believe me. It's not indian. I tell him Kiran and he likes that. We exchange #s and here comes my friend. She made out with him. wow.

Granted he is innocent, but I delete his number and he is trying to say something to fix this. That was the week he graduated from U-T with an MBA. and moved to Chicago that week. He still calls and leaves messages. So we become friend-like. we talk, we email, we text. I've never seen him again. and yeah that's about it. I think he is trying to make it to Austin in May, at the same time I am there... for another wedding. and I can't help but think there is something wrong with him. This isn't normal, and by indian measures, he is the most eligible bachelor.

this is my safety. if nothing else works out by 30-something. this very well maybe the guy. Lord please let something work out or at least let him be tolerable.

When, already. F*cking When.

So today has been an interesting day. Last night I had to say no to every social outing. I was tired. It happens. Between the week at work and every social even shoved into every waking hour. I'm fricken tired, and I'm fricken done.

The Heart Run today. I met Jared. You know the Subway guy. He is gung ho about Subway. Mid-conversation he asked if I wanted an autographed pic of him. How do you say no to that?

Anyway. I finished the 3 miles in about 32 min. it's not good.

P-day and friends ran with me until I got slow. Then they pretended not to know me. It's cool, I understand. Bunny says that's what I get for trying to look like a girl and still compete with the boys. The very young desk clerk who asks me out every Tuesday ran the entire thing with me. He even waited when I had to stop for water and then because I was close to throwing up the water. It was interesting.

Tourette's wanted to walk this one too. She got to walk it with someone else. She managed it in 60 min. WTF?

We get to my house and my little cocker spaniel has found a way to rip her ear in a very small but very bleeding way. I scoop her up and bathe her in my bathtub and find a way to make the bleeding stop. In the end it was that liquid bandage stuff and surgical tape. Because otherwise, evertime she shook those ears, it opened up the wound.

Later we made a mission out of a mall trip to buy her an outfit that makes her look like a lady. Most young women who have a lot of fun in their early 20's remember the time someone tells you "Honey, you are now 20-whatever. You don't have to show your boobs to look hot. In fact that is not sexy at all". Somehow Tourettes missed this every time Jenny-bear and I tell her. But these days we are spending more time togther. And if she is to be around my other friends, I need her to not look like something from the wrong side of the tracks. Bear in mind I say this with love. She ended up looking lovely. But still opted for jeans instead of slacks (you can't win 'em all!) which was fine.

tonight was dinner with the girlies. P. F. Changs, which is as tragic as it sounds. Followed by a bar with a live band attached to a restaurant that was filled with old people. it was awful. Followed by a dance club. I'm really too freakin old for this. Dk managed to attach himself and bonded with Tourettes. They have know each other for years and yet hated each other. Wanna know what the deciding factor tonight was? she is clean. no drugs.

Edit: Sunday morning as I am talking to DK he says 1. I set him up. 2. Tourettes was so cool he almost invited her to crawfish boil... 3. that was taken off the table when they got in the jeep and she put her feet on the dashboard. (he is disgusted. i laugh because i sometimes do that. he says "i won't tell you sh*t. She is not you) and 4. The only reason I am forgiven for sneaking out is that he could tell I was done when i "started dancing like a white girl". I stopped drinking an tried to be social with water. and got sleepy. apparently when I am not intoxicated, I dance like a latina. Why not indian girl? (lardki- in hindi) I'm just askin. why not?

So I bailed because I wanted to come home. They are still ripping it up in a club. and I say Cheers.

DK is going to take her to her car. and for that I will accompany him to another crawfish boil tomorrow. I can't feel my nose. possibly the sign of a good night. but what a waste of a blouse that made me feel pretty.

...

perhaps by the end of this post... the title will have come to me.

Theme song for today is "Someone Like You" Van Morrison.

If there was decent wine in this house, I would be swimming in it right now. This was the song Camello and I would wrap ourselves in at the end of a long day. Beer, pizza, and bad chic movies. and rounded out with talking til late in the morning. and Van. He makes you believe, doesn't he.

Tourettes and I did the lakes this evening. Besides yoga I haven't been to the gym this week. We bought swim suits tonight. I don't know if I will ever wear it. I am self conscious in it. I am self conscious in every thing.

She did not talk to GoodChristian. She texted him about her friend, he sent her a flirty text aimed at his ex. She thought he was flirting with her, and he corrected her (dumba**). Told you he had Bama tendencies. But Tourettes played it a little differently. She was an a** to him over text. She is hurt. She goes on and on about how he never cared about her. They've been broken up for 2 months and she hasn't seen him in a month (and he lives in our city). She left that part out Tuesday. So I hold the pieces of my friend together. and I still say she should talk to him. at least for her own sanity.

and how funny that I saw myself in her situation. You make a mistake, and the boy gets upset. He expresses it and you don't care. Then he does something to show him bum and you drop him. Thinking it is his bad and he should know better. and you move on. But you don't tell him he has hurt you, because he might act the way that you did. Which would be devastating. So you find someone who you think "deserves" you and you dump your leftover baggage on him. and when he is found to be lacking, the lack must be him, right? no.

I made her run more this time, thinking she could not possibly run and b*tch at the same time. Wrong again. Boy am I glad I didn't push for any option.

But now I feel like a bit of a hypocrite. She says I didn't talk to Bama about it, that I just dropped him. Yes but he defaulted on a pitch. His was a deal breaker. He understands he messed up. I don't need to explain it. and this time I had the good bearings not to unload on him. Maybe that is why he is still pitching? I don't know.

Lemon has been hurt by the blog. He didn't say so exactly, but he snipped a bit. I am officially not giving access to anyone else. Not even Jenny-Bear who has asked and asked. People want to read it to see where they fit. and are unhappy about the picture given. People don't want you to take their picture to see how you see them, only to have a picture of themselves. I like that. That is actually so true it's not funny.

Maybe one day I will want to be with someone like me. This tired girl is going to bed.

oh, did you get the pic? the Degas? dancer waiting in the wings? He used to be my favorite. Before KitKat was offended by my conventionalities. and I got the hiccups in the Faberge room. ahhh... mais c'est si bonne.

Why do prostitutes have pimps?

That is a serious question.

no, seriously. Think about that, why? What do they get out of the arrangement? I mean... aren't pros kind of like free agents. Don't they go out and drum up their own business? and they give a pimp money? why? for what? what are they paying for? drugs? your finding people buy your snatch, you can't find your own illegal substances? I'm just asking.

On to Tourettes. I told you she broke the good-Christian. but in a way, she may have gotten a bit of a break to. She liked him. He, like all good guys who try to be good to you, sheds and interesting light on the ways we lack. He brings center spotlight to her problems with substances and rages... which is why socially you never know what you are going to get. From the span of time I first blogged her to date... she has decided she wants to be a better person, for her. Which is admirable and hard. So I am there for my friend. and being a good friend means containing the crazy. (not that she is the only one that has it... i did call people names for no good reason). onward.

They do not speak verbally anymore. They text, email, and myspace. She is obsessive over every interaction. We did the lakes last night (4.2 miles) and the ENTIRE time is me listening to her about him. and she wants my advice. Like i am in a position to give advice? She says Bama came back (and keeps coming back) so that means I did something right. NO. Bama has nothing to do with me, and success and failure is measure by how you feel... not whether some schmuck-head feels the need to pitch.

But she is legitimately upset. I want to be a good friend. She is very angry with men, and it is humbling for her to realize that all of her issues with them and all of the anger is not because they are inherently bad men. So I humbly sit next to my friend and tell her she has 3 options. 1) get in touch with him and talk to him. have him talk to her. 2) keep it as it is. or .... 3) let it go. delete email, drop myspace, erase # and move on.

She asks which one I recommend. I say I don't. I secretly want to nudge her to 1. but I want her to get there.

She says 2 is not an option because she is becoming obsessive and miserable. and 3 is not because she is not ready. But 1 is also not because it's hard and HOW can she do that?! (it is hard. not that I do it, but JEEZ)

Last night she chose 2.

This morning she texts me with 1. Later say text "I CAN'T"

I say: Yes u can. If he says no, u haven't lost anything and at least u will know. u r awesome and ur growing as a person! that is wonderful!

I feel the need to pass the accolade because what would I do without people like Bunny who hold up my world. and know that I need reoccurring v-mails, especially when I don't feel like such an awesome person.

But this isn't about me. I'll let you know what happens. However, let me preface this with I have seen Bama-like tendencies w/ good Christian. Which is fitting because Bama is also Good Christian, except for the abstinence and tee tottering.

Never say never.

I will never marry the dream killer. never, never, never, never. and never. not that he has or would ask. but in light of lack of dating-going-well he has filled in on quite a few potentially complicated events.

As I make plans for this Saturday, I am reminded that I forgot to tell you about last Saturday.

A crawfish boil and a huge party at a rented out upscale, downtown bar. Both were birthday parties. The crawfish boil was less expensive, but the more genuine of the 2. It was a guy that played football w/DK and his son (they are 1 day apart... awwwww... so daddy celebrates on the son's b-day.... awww part deux). Talking to him that morning he says "K... You know that means that we are spending the whole day together... I'm not taking sh*t from you today, I will slow the jeep down to 40 mph and push you out, I'm so serious". Whatever.

So I mapquest directions and he picks me up. We are en route when Mr. Boyscout decides to not follow my directions. He says I wrote it down wrong. I say "Ok, I'm just going to sit here and be wrong. Let me know when you would like to be un-lost". I sit there and shut up.

20 minutes later we hit a dead end and he says "now, please."

We get to the neighborhood that is WOW. I mean friggen WOW. like Lemon's St. Charles but with gi-normous yards and lakes and WOW. We take an extra block to look at the houses and DK says... "One day I will be able to give you one of these".... and I say "but where will you live?" I got THE look. oops.

Boil was great. DK peeled most of my crawfish so I wouldn't tear up my hands and I learned how to pump a keg. This is new territory for me. It was weird. I had a cupcake and I was sooo happy. We spent about 5 hrs in the sun. It was nice. He dropped me home and I took a shower and did a load of laundry because crawfish smells awful. I took a nap.

Later I pick him up for the evening party. I am driving so he can drink. and it was around the corner from his house (are you sensing a pattern). We are introduced by our friends to other people with "can you believe they are not dating? they used to date and now they are FRIENDS!" nice.

It gets better, guy-who-got-left-at-a-restaurant is there and comes to say hi. I try to not make it awkward, but it kind of is. DK picks it up and as we go to the bar I tell him the story... He kisses me on the forehead and hands me a cosmo. I tell him about Lemon too and he says "K, baby you are awesome... but you have to stop acting like that. Why would you do that to guys who have tried to be sweet with you?" and I well up with tears because he isn't telling me anything I don't know. Then he says the worst thing ever... "would you like me to give you $50 for your stupid-tax?"

No. It was never about the money. The money was only a symbolic representation of my stupid mistake. and I was out $50.

So the party was for my friend's mom. her 50th. I saw so many people I have not seen in years. One person I have seen quite often is her dad. He is a very successful attorney who spends a lot of time in my favorite bars. With various women. and no wedding ring. But he is very married. Dk and I watch the perfect family and meet my friend's little brother's new girlfriend who bar-tends at Ruth Chris and is well acquainted with the dad's activities. She and little brother are discussing marriage. She has the balls to tell us that she is sure the son is not like the dad. Dk and I study our drinks. Dk spent an evening at a gentleman's club with little brother on quite a few evenings... this apple is not far from that tree.

And I? I watch the spectacle and am sad for all of the ways we disappoint each other. Doesn't anyone stay in love anymore? I am quiet and contemplative. There is a brass band and hard wood floors, so Dk feels the need to show off. We do. and I tell him when I've had enough. It is a b-day so there is cake. Dk knows that this is the real reason I am here. So he brings me cake. It is great. then he sits next to me and offers me some of his.

And I am afraid that I will never find the pieces of him that are wonderful to me in anyone else. What if it was a one time thing, and even that was not enough because no matter how great he is for how long... he still hit me. one time, but it speaks to his potential. and there is no way in hell I would get stuck in that.

This morning should not have started with this. ick. better post to come. Today is me and bunny's date.

"Excuse me, Who the f*ck are you, please?"

The tag line is from Bat-Girl. It is what we are expected to say to people who seek to squash dreams and make us small like them. It polite yet poignant.

Segue to pic.

It is a pic and quote by Gursky. Whom, the Financial Times reports today, has the distinction of being the photographer of the most expensive photograph ever sold at auction. I could not find the pic online, so this is what you get. (I imagine private would be different). It sold for 1.7 million francs and I cannot find the franc sign. In dollars it is just enough to sustain my shoe fetish for the length of time it takes A-Rod to come to his senses and propose... you do the math.

The pic that sold is a macro view of a Formula 1 set of pits under a viewing platform that is glassed in. It is cool looking

The article likens his work to the "Where's Waldo" books of our youth, in that is uses aerial views of object and individuals with extreme (and unrealistic) clarity. "Like a photo of yourself taken from far far away..." (ani defranco ladies and gentleman) but with close up distinction of features. It is digitized and not a true "photograph" as it is a diptych. The writer is amused that his colleague finds a figure found in another bit of Gursky's work. Same guy, different shirt, same stance, same expression.

It seems to suggest a bit of insight to the mind of the master that he is moved by this object. Writer goes on to say that is what artists do, take a bit of something that speaks to them and find the beauty fitting to be around it. (that is my awesome paraphrase :)

Segue to making it relevant to me (yay me)

Much like writing, or writing with a theme. or writing about ideas, ideals, situations that have yet to work themselves out. Poetry to give words to the words that you wouldn't tell anyone else, but seek to express just not to hold them. and the blog that is the play by play of hit and misses. and my peats and repeats don't look so bad. Because one day, you, like I will be able to see the bigger picture. Like a Gursky, and it will be well worth it.

P.s. I fell in yoga, on the hardest thing ever. One legged upward dog- drop to one legged plank, rolled through chatra danga to cobra and back up to down dog. With out dropping the other leg. I got right it before everybody else, because I am competitive like that, and when it got easier, I'd moved back too far, my socks hit the floor and *BOOM* slipped from under me. It was soo hot. P-Day didn't even move. I could have died! It could have been awful!... or just melo-dramatic. He looks over eventually and says- "Suck it up Beautiful and get back to it." Rat bastard.

I have officially stolen a fork.

...but really it wasn't on purpose. I didn't realize it was not a plastic fork until I handed my cake to DK and he pointed it out...because he dropped it and heard it make noise.

Did I mention I have cake? and it was the best cake ever. I like cake.

This weekend has been great, but I am ready for a day of rest. Well, maybe more like chores... or I will have a non-clean bathroom and nothing to wear to work.

Friday was fun. Work, gym, Margaritas w/girlies. That part was lame. So Tourette's and I snuck out to a funner (?) bar. It was fun for me, not so much to her. Saw a girl I knew YEARS ago. She hates me. I don't particularly care for her. She was swapping spit in the corner w/some guy and his friends. And I remember what pda looks like to everyone who is unfortunate to get to watch. We left there and had the bright idea of finding a club. I don't know why we thought this was a good idea. But at least we didn't make it Tiger-land.

Does that sound like it would have a bunch of college bars? It does. Maybe filled with a bunch of super young-un's? It is. I say "Wow, I haven't been there in a hot second. Madigan and I had a truth bench at one of the bars, on the patio. We would drink when we were sad and plan the rest of our lives, and how our kids would play to gether, etc." and Tourette's says "F*ck Madigan!". I understand why she says so.

So we make it to another club. It is what you would further expect, the same music they've played forever... with all of the girls looking like bar skanks and the guys loving it. We get drinks and bop around. It was okay but at some point we realize there are no 5 minute friends we want to talk to. and the people talking to us are lame. We leave. Tourette's left her card at the bar, we go back. I find the bathroom and then look for my friend. Some yuppie who was talking to us earlier comes over and asks for my #, I ask how old he was... he says 20. I have to say "Oh, honey no. I just couldn't". wanna know what the comeback was?

"But I have money!"

oh, excuse me, I couldn't tell at first. Let me just jot that down for you. I told Chicago Sat morning and he says I should have charged $10 a digit and started with the area code- and given him half. I told him next time I would do that, but use his # and keep all of the money.

Because we had to go back to the club, I subjected Tourette's to Taco Bell. and by the time we got back to my house, she had eaten it all. rat bastard.

Will tell you about Saturday later. For now I am debating between cereal or cake for breakfast.

Theme song

Maybe I will feel the need to type later. For now, this is the song for today on repeat. I have rocked it continously... for the song not the vid. but you get the vid because I don't know how to upload the song. Rock out people we have a super fun weekend ahead of us.

P.s. Bama is a rock head. He pitched again. for what reason we have discussed... ego-maniac. The answer he got was "no thank you, I've had just about enough of your inconsistencies". This has nothing to do with me. I wish it did. it would be flattering.

It is one more way Kris and I are different. She believes if a guy gives her anything he will be there for ever and ever. I am accostomed to holding out for everything... your pitch doesn't matter until then. and it's coming ;)

The stupid-tax is $50

If you don't read any of my other posts... read this one. There is a great story there.

Yesterday was crap. I was in a crap mood. therefore, I gave people crap attitude. and for it, I got to pay the stupid-tax. and it was about $50. I should feel really bad. But really it is just funny.

Let me get Lemon out of the way 1st. Let me preface this by telling you I was a jerk. Which is further jerk-y because of great yoga, great v-mail from Bunny, great cupcake, and the with so much great- I was inclined to make great jesture of my own. It didn't go well, because things didn't go as planned and I got easily frustrated that my effort at great was not being taken as the greatest thing ever. So now I'm in a funk.

He is going to take the drive to get the great, it seems like an act of Congress. I offer dinner, nope. His mom is with him, he chose fast food or faster than a normal restaurant than dinner w/ me. I like moms. I can play nice nice. but nope. So I set time to let me Boot camp. Because it's hard and I didn't want to run. It was challenging. I hate sprints- I kick everybody's bum on the 1st one... and then I die. Bunny will be out of town for the Fat Boy 5K, a fun race that you do in teams of 4-5... you run a 5K then eat donuts, drink beer, and get lots of other bad for you stuff. The shirts are great too. My team was going to be me, bunny, politician, and over-achiever... and maybe the mexican. So 3 guys and me and bunny. The bad part is all of the guys were hard-core college athletes. oops. not gonna run a mile in 5 min. sorry, just not gonna happen.

So with no bunny, it would just be me and these guys? oh that is so not good. Plus that day is overachiever's b-day and he is trying to be depressed. Ick. Politician is giving wierd vibes... Dk says it's because he is trying to *boink* me. Ummmm.... no, not going to happen. Mexican would still be game, but then I have to find a new team... ick. So I opt for the Heart Run instead. with lesser shirts and no promise of beer (which is fine).

Anyway, so I see Lemon, give him great. He is a gentleman and walks me to my car. and somewhere in there I see fit to unload on him, exactly how upset with him I am. Which I should not have. Oh and i called him an a**. Stay with me people, my night gets worse.

So since I felt slighted over dinner, I made plans for a date with someone I don't even like. Which was stupid. So we are sitting at dinner, and it's cool. I saw this guy the night of the ball, between bars. It's not the Moderate Conservative. He rags on me a lot. I can usually take a joke, but he doesn't know me well enough to be pickin so harshly on me. Plus I don't even like him... my ego was hurt. So he is asking about other people I saw and if I called this guy I used to work with. I said yes we spoke and he's ragging on me that I was double booking, being a date with him and then going to see Chase... and you wanna know what came out?

"I spoke to him about him emailing me his resume for a job, you jackass"

and the jackass part was VERY loud. oops.

I didn't mean for it to come out like that. What is wrong with me? It's not like I can even say I was drunk. I had 2 sips of a gin and tonic (which he ordered for me... because he thought that is what I drink because it was clear. What he had seen me drinking was WATER. I told him, but he thought I was kidding. good job.)

So he slowly drinks his drink and goes to the bathroom. I grab the waiter and ask for the check and tell him what I will tip him if he brings it back before guy gets back from the bathroom. I paid and left. There was just no getting better from there.

So I got a text from Lemon... something about I was an a** and I called him one (which was true). and I text him something smart back. and I wrote something like "from you that is not an insult" and really it wasn't.

From guy-who-got-left... he texts me that I should be more humble with someone who thinks I am special. What kind of response it that?! I ask you. Grow some balls and say you never want to speak to me again! and yet he asked me to a party for a mutual friend on Sat... and I pull out the dream killer as a safety, and say I have a date and this guy is just not for me.

right. so stupid temper tantrum cost me $50. I think that is fitting for a stupid-tax. the next time I show my bum I will put an extra $50 in my savings account.

T- MINUS 13 DAYS

Last night Bunny left me the sweetest voice mail. She does that. I am lucky to have her.

She says that my hair looked super cute and my stylist did a good job (I had my hair blown straight for the ball- then Gabe washed it yesterday to prove he was better than Lillie- and he was mad I let her touch my head) and it was flattering to my face. :) and blah blah I am beautiful so no should be able to make me feel bad.

I saved her message and Cingular lets me keep it for 14 days. I laugh at myself because I got another great voicemail from her the night of cede of somebody. I saved it then too... gave myself the 14 days to get over it. by day 14 I was still feeling a bit awkward.

I tell her this as we play catch up today. She laughs. I have 13 days left to believe it, and she promises another great v-mail when that one deletes itself.

:)

CupCake wishes

That is what I give you guys. Because I heart cupcakes. I am uber excited that a bakery 1/2 between work and gym sells them individually. and they are great.

I have heard an observation of myself that made me argue vehemently against it... mostly because it is true.

Most people have the benefit of 2.5 seconds (figuratively) to make an impression. If I don't REALLY like something about you in that short span of time, I'm not going to. I can try to talk myself into it, and you can show promise... but if someone asks me about it and I don't absolutely light up... the clock is ticking until you are to be pushed.

Not to say that I dislike people who I have around me superficially and am not enamored with... but I do not seek to put them in my pocket. and the worst part is... that it gets worse if I try to talk myself into liking someone. It just doesn't work.

But I take this as a negative because I am still single, so that means my way has never worked?

and in retrospect I chide myself when I knew better. a year and some change, 3 trys and lots of I'm sorry. and I knew it was coming and that he wasn't to be a long time ago.

and then, another is who he is, and it is not enough for me. and isn't because he doesn't have it in him to be.

and Dk who talks of forever and ever, and I have to leave the room so I don't get sick in front of him. because the thought of spending my life with him makes me want to join a convent. and I'm not christian. i heart that he hearts me, but i have no overt heart for him. and that also makes me a bad person. maybe i should send him a cupcake also.

Moderate Conservative

"Despite everything, I believe that people are really good at heart"

Who said that? You know who said that... well wrote it anyway.

It is Anne Frank- the last line of the diary. and profound to be sure.

The Moderate Conservative is a quite a testament to how that may not be entirely true. He's an a**hole. He will tell you this, but not in those words. How do I know? He told me.

*Sidenote* Before I post this, let me preface by saying that it is a good thing that I am me, because if I wasn't, I certainly wouldn't try to date me. The recent smack was such a kick in the ego because it is the 2nd time ever that someone has had the choice to date me... and inadvertantly said "No thank you". ouch. The other one I deserved, and he says it doesn't count as a rejection because he wouldn't take me back because I broke his heart. Which was true. Honestly I've never really put it out there, and in some respect it is a good thing to know that to have someone say no is not the worst thing in the world. I've never really stayed long enough, and maybe I am desperately afraid of looking foolish. Whatever.

K. Off we go.

Once upon a time I had to take freshman biology as a senior in high school (While I was taking AP Physics...WTF?), oddly enough my last class in college was freshman biology lab... for some reason it is so hard to me. I digress. MC- was in my class. I didn't see him until college. He expressed how much he had a huge crush on me. It was cute. He tried to date me. He is full of himself. One day we were on the phone as I was downloading some Hindi music (and paying for it legitimately ;) he asked what I was listening to and I told him. He says "Indian people make music?" Yes it is from a movie. "Indian people make movies?" Yes, in fact India has Bollywood which is the largest film industry in terms of size and films produced each year.

...here it comes... get ready.... "I guess I'm just ethno-centric and I think that Americans are the only people that do anything right" he says.

me: You don't really mean that
MC: No, I do.

me: You know I'm Indian, right?
MC: Yes but you are also American, so I like that you LOOK exotic, but you are normal on the inside

me: wow, and you are trying to date me?
MC: Yes, I like you very much. I just think my way is the only that is right in just about everything. blah blah Fox news... Bill O'Reilly is the greatest newscaster to ever live, everyone else is lying, blah blah

me: grow up *click*

So I ran into him randomly. I am me, so I am still polite, he is him so he is still asking if he can call me. He showed his bum at some club, I was with the next guy I dated so it didn't matter. I'm sure I've seen him a bunch of times later.

Then he is at Friday's Ball. He seems happy to see me, and the gin in me was happy to see him. We talk for a bit. He is in law school and will be a politician. Ok, that is not a giant leap of faith. He says he's sorry for whatever transpired between us and I don't know him now. He's really different. I said something like "Yeah, you were a bit intense" He laughs and says "NO, I was an a**hole" I don't disagree.

He further enlightens me that the biggest change he has made is that he has learned how to say whatever someone wants to hear to get whatever he wants. Wow. His recent ex-girlfriend of 2 years has been cheating on him, and he laments that he has become cynical. I believe he started out that way.

He asks who I am with and I point out DK, he asks and I tell the truth- he's the ex. MC is amazed that we are still friendly if not always friends. He asks if there are complications with dating other people. I say, why would there be? He says it may create insecurities. I tell him I am just dating people and nothing serious... he says "you must like B.Shi*t then" because to him- dating equals B.s. No- I am enjoying people and not dumping huge amounts of expectation on them, or at least trying not to, because I also recognize what I am not ready for.

I then ask if our conversation is something he considers B.s. he says of course not, he knows me. I laugh and say he should only talk to people he knows then... he seeks to recover the fumble and mercifully Dk shows up to twirl me away.

I did speak to him before we left. Kissed him on the cheek and wished him well in life, in case I never see him again. Which I kind of hope not to.

Everything I needed to know I learned in Kindergarten

a bit of literal Fulgam.

Ummmm. how to make this fit?

You have to drink a lot of water, it's good for you? I can remember being little and running around and my mom doing dishes and hiding behind her... she would catch me and make me drink a glass of water before letting me go. That's actually true. She used to say I had to drink it because we had too much water and had to get rid of some, and give the glass back so she could wash it while she was doing dishes. I don't know if I was in kindergarten though, so that might not be so accurate.

Also, we should try to learn from our mistakes. I drank too much on a semi-date. I don't want to do that and have drunk girl conversations. I know how to drink socially. I do.

So the lesson we take is to drink lots of water when drinking, and say "WHEN". The ball last night was lovely. Especially since it was next door (downtown) to a couple of bars I know well, that had bands for St. Pat's Eve. Basically it was a big block party, and in a formal gown and dress coat I was the best dress person in EVERY bar. DK was a passable date. but Bama flashbacks... we danced on hardwood floors to a brass band. The Michael Foster Project. I know the trumpet guy. DK spins and dips me like it's cool... and it was for the 1st 30 min... after that I was trying to throw other girls at him. JB and hubby were next door so I snuck out and made friends. Eventually I went back.

ohhh and there was the guy that tried to date me a long time ago... We'll call him the "Moderate Conservative" which is how he describes himself and translates into overly vocal Republican a**hole. There is a good story there.

So anyway, we ball... and play at the bars. and I'm ready to go. I am under the impression we are going. We get into the Jeep w/2 other people I just met and I am told we are going to one more party. WHAT? and I put my feet up to where we went and DK puts my head on his shoulder... and I rested my eyes for a minute. But it's really different from passing out. Allegedly.

Got woken up at 8 this morning for a parade that started at 10. That was mean and wrong, and I believe that people who do that get smacked with dead fish. At someone's party I'm walking around looking for coffee... and people keep looking in their coolers and offering me beer. Which is so similar it's scary. There were tons of fun people there. We gave away all of our beads to kids, remember when you were little and they were the most exciting thing ever? Now they just smell like beer and partying. ick.

Spent today drinking till 2 ish (ok more like 4-ish but 2 sounded better). we meant to go to another block like party- opted for a nap. didn't happen because Ms. Chloe had a princess party as she is now 3. wow. Dream Killer's mom broke her tailbone and wrist so I went with him to bring her soup (and check on my letter of rec... but I didn't bring it up, so technically it was not a hidden agenda). and now I am incognito in pj's with teddybears sleeping on clouds. I couldn't make myself go out tonight if I wanted to.

No hangovers or headaches... but my shins, knees, and back feels like someone beat me. and tomorrow is Ram-Naumi. this is the funnest weekend I've had in a while.

Going to bed now. G'night.

There is a real live Eskimo on Oprah!

That isn't funny. It's kind of interesting. She's very cute. I don't think I could be an Eskimo. It's cold in Alaska. Like ridiculously cold. and they gain weight to keep warm. She's kind of big. and how shallow am I that this is what I am worried about.

In other news, how much weight can you gain in 2 days. Not to sound obsessive or anything. I've missed all of 1 day from the gym and will miss Friday but today I ate every terrible thing.

Also my skin is freaking out. Which it hasn't done in a while. So I'm stressed about prom? hmmm dunno. Also, tonight I tell Dream Killer that instead of him picking me up I want to meet him at his house (the hall it is held at is around the corner from him) so I can leave if I want to. He says "So you will drive home and Saturday get up and get back here for 7 for the St. Pat's parade?" He promised to take the couch if I stay over and I tell him "You bet your a** you get the couch, that's my bed anyway". Technically it is only my mattress set, the frame was a Christmas present from his parents.

But I don't want to stay there. and looking at my post it looks neurotic and skittish. and I think that fitting for where I am. I take mom and grams to the airport tomorrow, they are going to India for 3 weeks. I hyperventalate when grams is overseas. She badly wants to die either in India or Trinidad. Not so ok with that. She has been stealing lollipops from her dr. offices. She gifted me with a nice little collection. My awesome 78 year old clepto.

Avi's mom called me tonight. She mentioned he told her I didn't make it to the gym today and I had to laugh at that. She tells me I am expected at their house for a ceremony in April and this weekend is a big Indian thing as well. So I will be social Friday, intoxicated Saturday, and Indian on Sunday. How fun.

Rounded out with... I really like my blog. I just thought I would tell you. I like it. It is very me (imagine that). and cuando yo escuche a musica en espanol, yo piensa a mi monito. que lastima.

2 steps forward, 1 step back.

Bianca and her sidekick were in my building today. They helped with a luncheon held at the super exclusive restaurant at the top of my building. Not only is it super expensive, you have to be a member of the social club of the same name to get a table at all. So they are doing this, and the implication of this is that I am having lunch with them. Sounds fantastic, doesn't it.

Ready for the funny part? I am claustrophobic. Albeit I say only slightly. And I am good about managing that, in most situations I have it under control. In circuit training w/ 100+ people I am on the ends of whatever we are doing and my stuff is by the door. Yoga- closest to the door. Movies? I sit on the aisle. and just going up 3 or 7 floors I am fine. But 21... and my chest closed and I couldn't breath. Like a full blown anxiety attack. By the time the doors open, it looked like the elevator was spitting me out. I had to collect myself behind a plant before I visited the Maitre D.

The entire meal I was dreading getting back into the elevator. How funny that as far as we have come, every once in a while we are smacked with our own limitations. My chest still hurts.

ugh.

So the pic is a box turtle. I like him. I think it is rockin that he is neon orange. I have seen one in the grass at my mom's. We were knee deep in dirt, doing something with the flower beds. She saw me looking at him and said "If you even think of bringing that thing into my house, I'm going to give it your room- and you get to sleep outside". Because moms don't so much appreciate every animal that can stand you being brought home. Who knew?

Today I wore soft fluffy pink pants to yoga.

I could tell you my day started with a "workshop" which equated to 5 attorneys (ny, ny, mi, tx, and rounded out with il) that represent our "interests" in different states listening to themselves talk. and talk. and overstep their welcome by about an hour.

I made it yoga a little late because I didn't trust myself not to kick someone if I'd stayed in the building.

Work was work, and I'm going to be here late.

But none of that matters... because the Dream Killer showed up with cupcakes and honey for my tea because I am out. :) and I remember why I forgive.

that's all I got for now. I think my brain is still fried.

"I like you just the way you are"

The title is the best line ever from the 1st Bridget Jones' Diary. It is when Colin Firth, who had been a f*ckhead right up until then, turns around and utters the most wonderful thing. and every woman everywhere went *SIGH*

I had a bit of one of those today. One of the big things that stung me about Bama was how much he talked about how comfortable he was with himself. My friends fully understand that I am not so much that person. I am embarrassed to be in my own skin. I am not by nature the social butterfly, but the bookworm in the corner. Dream Killer forever tells me that I have presence. I am enchanting. I walk into a room and I own it, everyone looks and no one knows that I am a dork... until I open my mouth and tell them.

I am told that I am my worst critic (aren't we all though?) and the one that defeats me. And if one more person tells me to pick up my head, I'm going to hit them in the shins w/ my bat mafia style.

But today he had only one class and thought he would sleep for most of the day. Of course we had to ruin that. I woke him up by calling 11ty billion times. We were talking about the upcoming ball- he equates it to a grown up prom. I am debating whether or not to wear the BCBG dress. Because if someone were to ruin that dress.. I would need a lawyer, that's all I'm saying. He says there will be a cash bar and intimates I should plan to stay over in case I cannot drive home, or he can't drive me home. and I am mildly offended... "I don't have a drinking problem! I am not a lush! I can NOT drink at a social function!" He says "I know, but you tend to indulge a little bit when you are out of your element". what?

He further goes on to swallow his foot by saying " I don't know why, but when you are trying to be charming- it comes across as forced. When you are playing hostess, you can be obnoxious. and if you drink too much for too long- it's just bad." So where is the good in this? He says "Be yourself. People come to you. they always have. People decribe you as enchanting... and you blush but you don't believe it, it's like you don't trust that." ummm.... well you did just imply that I am not someone that anyone would want to be around.

and then..."remember, I really started chasing you when you were sick. like throwing up for 4 months, spending most days on the couch in a ball. and I fell in love" ok, that means he has bad taste? "with no make up, and goofy bopping around, you are magic, and that is why you have the people you do". nice.

So I tell him I am wearing sweat pants to the ball and right on cue he says "and you will still be the most beautiful girl there." awww. followed by "but you won't, right?".

Carrrrrr-ne.

Happy Monday People! Today is going to be a glorious one

Theme song: Low Rider by War.

Person most recently not-embarrassed by my being the Queen of the land of the dorks: Bunkles

The way they above mentioned 2 tie together: We took a stroll for coffee and on the way out Low Rider came on. And I did the happy dance in the middle of the coffee shop. and all he could do was laugh.

We went to market to pick up breakfast and Bunkles is still singing it. Yay!

On the way out we bump into this guy I went to highschool with. He is now a dancer/coreographer for drag queens. Well yes. Bunkles is still laughing at the happy dance and says "Only you. this only happens with you".

In other news, the pic. you know what it is... think the taco bell commercials. Bunkles newest favorite thing is to try to work that into carne-sation (get it? conversation?) and he says it the whole lame way. Car-nay. caaaaar-neigh?

Pick it up people, "Your a postive motivating force within my life"- as sung by slick rick. ;-)

White chocolate bread pudding should not have raisens in it

I am typing this post out 1st... and will name it later.

This was the weekend of the Flake. I attribute it to LA's notorious lack of proper seasons. Everybody else has "autumn" and "winter". I've even heard rumors of "spring" and a pleasant "summer"-like span of time. No, my cheeky monkeys, none of those in these parts. You get hot, and cold. And often in the same week and/or day.

My sinuses are not amused. My face freakin hurts w/pressure. I have a migraine like headache that does not like light or movement, and rounds out with an interesting bit of nausea... Aren't I incredibly sexy right now? Grrr baby.

So Friday was supposed to be a movie. Crack-headed Kate's son got arrested so Tourettes went with her to bail him out. I did the happy dance and dove under the covers for some much needed rest.

Saturday started w/the race for the cure. Everybody knew I would conspire to sleep in, so my phone went off at 630 and in 5 min increments. Tourettes and I met up w/Bailey... except we soon figured out Bailey was trying to win... like a 5k in 15 minutes. We casually lost Bailey.

Against my better judgement I circuit trained on Friday (saw Bama on his way out, fortunately I was on phone w/friend who got busted... he waves and smiles. I smile and pass. Eventually I will stop being polite.) and my knees were soooo not happy. We are up to 400mg Celebrex in the morning and 200mg at night w/sporadic Advil. and that only numbs it for a bit. My hips are doing the same thing and the pain is white hot. It's quite fantastic. Tourettes says... "What about a total knee replacement. at least for the right, you know... for now" ummm Sure. why not. except that my threshold for pain is also NEGATIVE.

I tried to make her run, she flat out refused. We mostly walked a 5k. WTF? I tried to trip her in the lake. We did it in like 40. that is my worst time ever. On the plus side, it was across from the Governor's mansion so we saw Gov. Kathleen-worst governor in the history of the world-Babino- I give all intelligent ambitious rockstar women a kick in the knees because I am incompetent and make all women look like emotion idiots- Blanco pass by. Of course she had to make an appearance, we were in her backyard. She is a terrible speaker. The Gov of Kansas was with her also, not a whole lot of reading going on between those two.

In other news, Budweiser sponsors the Race for the Cure. So we found the free beer truck... and the free plastic cup booth, so it didn't look like we were slurping on beer. and another thing, I ran into a bunch of people I haven't seen in a while. Or maybe I see them all the time and I just don't pay attention. I didn't know anyone's name. so there was a lot of "Hey, You!" It was uber fun. One should generally drink free beer and eat sunchips after a race that one walks. allegedly.

SInuses forced me to duck another wedding Sat night. How is it there are still single people left in the world. I am sure everyone I have ever met is married by now. Sunday (today), no mandir (church) for me. I went to a harder (or it was supposed to be) yoga class. and i remember why I stopped going to this one. but I really needed it, I hurt something awful. I had dinner w/the Engineer. I enjoy him. He is great company. I ate everything in the world that I should not, and I had to give it right back. Tummy still upset. I wonder how this guy is still single.

and yet how awful that I write that and even I do not want him. But I think I get points for wanting a carbon copy... w/a few modifications.

The post in draft that may take some time to finish is "Lessons from a Serial Monogamist". which is what he proclaims to be. It kind of puts things into perspective...I'll tell you about the year of the Yes a bit later. This blog is a bit long and I still don't have a title.