True to form

Mom got power back today. My house? still nothing. Cat is not amused. With the start of law school and Hurricane Gustav, there has been much stress, drama and argh situations.

and true to form... here he comes.

Dream Killer.

Who offers you (or me) everything you need to make it all better. Wow that makes him sound like a drug dealer... I assure you he is not.

I saw him at school as I was about to walk into Legal Research. I made it through my 1st week. I think I might be functionally retarded. That is about how great it was.

Dream Killer floats by to inquire about my start... like we are buddy pals. like you did not take every shot you had left to take. Like you did not seek to make me feel like I could never do anything in life.

I digress.

I scurry away in true awkward fashion. He left a note on my car. (little stalker-ish. I'm just saying. it is) blah blah he was crazy about me... blah blah he acted like a jerk because he does not think... blah blah.

then he leave message (because he is still blocked on my cell... email... and does not have the number to the blackberry) he has books, notes, outlines and supplements that i can have. all right here. just take it. it will make it all better.

I got spooked. I took it. stupid. stupid.... but it is helping...

on to Hurricane. We had trees uprooted, roof damage, no power for a week... thinking it could be weeks until we get it back... here he is: "I know you didn't remember to get cash, I pulled out $50 for you... just to hold you for a min... and i got feet (Doritos Cool Ranch) and skittles for you because i know how much you like them"

fast forward. His awesome amazing dad who wrote one of my letters of rec has cancer. It has been in and out of remission for years. He is in chemo again. He does not look good. In fact he is going to die.

Dream Killer suggests I go by the house. The company I work for has tankers of gas especially for us. I offer this humble gesture to the dad. Because he is a humble greatness. because when he is gone the world will feel a loss. Because he is the reason I do not have a DWI, because because because.

Today he struggles against himself and takes me up on it. Before I get there, power is restored. Dream Killer calls to tell me to still come over... for pizza with the fam.

No.

this is the line.

Every time that the world rages and storms that is his in. That is how he makes temporary amends so we can make it through this situation... and just when you think everything is ok.... BAM! $hit storm! and he is quick to tell me that his family is not mine. and I can just forget that letter from his dad. and my mother never loved me and i have no worth in this world.

no more.

My gesture was small to be sure. but it was for the dad. and not for the killer of my dreams. True to form he followed his M.O.

Contra-mine I am not going back. We are not OK and I will not do this to myself ever again.