Excel Certified, I am!

I have begun to talk back to my books. Not literally, but in a sense... yeah, I guess literally.

I did it with Shantaram... I wrote my thoughts and responses throughout the book. at the end of each part I wrote a page on the divider. Since then I've been jacked for that book, and have been trying to get it back to have my words ever since.

On to the Satanic Verses by Salman Rushdie. My initial responses...

1. What's the bid deal? He has a price on his head for this?
2. A lot of the elements and themes are like that of Midnight's Children (another of his books)
3. He is a hard read. I am only half way through from the 2 weeks I've been reading it.
4. He is hard because I lost interest 100 pages ago.

I dunno. Just not that into it. but I am making myself finish it. Now on to the controversy. I get that it is huge b/c he is Muslim, so are his main characters. and he gives them the bearings of an angel and demon and portray and struggle w/personifications of such. he gives modern life like verses and visions to very old religious stories.

In reflection, I'd rather analyse it and pick apart the way his characters see things, what they say, what they do... than take it in all at once. or in small spurts. or just read by myself with out the warm squishy understanding (and drinking?) of a book club.

so I have since started to write back. I'll let you know if I get anything interesting.

Also... New segment courtesy of Japan (I am still hesitant to fully blog him)... (he does not get to read the blog)... (because we are still suspect on whether this modern day hippie is nuts)

What I learned today: (this may be the new blog)
If you begin your day... and find a tiny hole near the back pocket of your jeans, please change your jeans. Even if they are your favorite jeans, even if this course of action will make you late. Change them.

If you do not change them, DO NOT wear hot pink underpants. It is not advisable.

Why? simple. because over the course of the day, you will break you back pockets. or the holes will magically get bigger leaving you hot pink bum a little more exposed than you would have liked. I'm just saying. hypothetically.

What I learned yesterday:
If you leave a cell phone in the refrigerator for a couple of hours, it will stop working... but the screen will say that it will allow emergency calls. You must turn it off and take the battery out... and let the whole thing thaw (some suggest sitting on it... some suggest sitting on it when it is fully functional as well... not me, Christmas!). Turn it back on, pray for it to work.... and promise it that you will never never do that again.

How that happened... I'm watching what I eat, so I have to pack lunch... or I will end up starving and eat anything. I left the house with not enough hands and put the phone in the lunch bag... and put the lunch bag in the fridge at work. I got angry email from Bunkles and began looking for the phone.

Not in purse, not in Blanca, not on the desk, didn't leave it at home... Surely, I did not! yep, yes I did.

NO FEAR!

Yesterday was the Big Girl conversation with Bama. and the prelim w/Japan. and the putting to rest DK's issues... and figuring out that Bunny is still messed up about David as is Tourettes' about the GoodChristian.. rounded out with Shy is about to be uber mad at me.

Also, I am debating between changing the direction of the blog or keeping it as it is (as it was what it was) and starting another for the direction I would want this to have. Or maybe to have something with direction.

Friday night/early Saturday Jolie had some tummy trouble. Which snow balled into a trip to the ER and Sunday afternoon her gall bladder was removed. I spent all of Sunday with her while they ran tests. I don't see her often, but if she calls me, if she needs me, I wouldn't be anywhere else.

She is cracked out... and half asleep. She mumbles "How was the talk with Bama?" I say it has yet to happen.

Jolie mumbly: It's all over the blog, honey. You are hurt.
K: No, it is a non-issue he's going away

Jolie: he might be leaving but you were still hurt. This is less about him and more about you.
K: stupid, guilty silence

Jolie: this may be the 1st time you have let yourself be vulnerable, but it is not the last time you will be.
K: more silence

Jolie: I thought you were going to stop living in fear... what are you afraid of? This is for you. To heal

She is right. I have told myself to... but the hippo-head in me says it is hard. But she is right. and though, I have never done it, I should learn how.

So I called and got vmail. he called and got vmail... repeat til yesterday about 3. It was his 'last day' of work. he took it as vacation. I ask for that talk we were supposed to have... he says it is to be yesterday or today because he leaves Wednesday. We say tentatively for today... and he shows up to circuit.

...and works out w/my group. and next to me.... and stretches w/ me. He asks if we should get a drink... I tell him he is going to walk the track. He laughs and says "you're making me work for it, aren't you? Well, you deserve it." yes I do.

So we walk. and talk. and I let him start. of course he is apologetic... but we get to the bad part and I tell him what I would have said if I had had the words. I tell him I liked him, and what he did hurt me. I tell him I felt like I threw myself at him and I was embarrassed and awkward... and infuriated that he seemed fine.

and he said... he knew he hurt me, he was sorry. he did not know the extent that it hurt, and no- he didn't know that I was really liking him. He further says he handled this the wrong way... that he asked and asked because he was attracted to me but he asked at times when his life was not right and his head was not there. He took the wrong approach and did not get to know me (i.e. my head) until it was too late... and then he was embarrassed that he did not have better to stand next to me with. that he thinks I am better than him.

He thanked me for letting him teach me how to swim (I can competitively swim now) and said that in his mind, it was his penance. and the way that he made peace with the awkwardness that non-relationship created.

He says I should never give a guy a chance that messes up in the beginning... that I should make them run (at this point we are jogging... to take the edge off of a heavy conversation) because I am worth it... and the guy who doesn't recognize it is stupid- like him.

obviously there was a lot more. but it was just a conversation. he could have been blowing smoke. but he's leaving and it doesn't matter. and I have the peace that is just as great as I thought it would be.

Yesterday's theme is Seal's Love Divine. it repeated all the way home, and as I delete all contact info for the Bama, it's ok. and I am ok. and I go see Tourettes to tell her to talk to the GoodChristian, put it on the table. humbly. talk to him. and leave it there.

Japan is a different text. and a bit of granola. how funny it is to see people you have known all your life... and what they have become.

A reasonable expectation to privacy, or the lack thereof

I think I have broken another laptop. Very scary. Now in search of someone who can fix it for less than Best Buy wants me to give them, for them to fix it. ick.

So now we are back to desktop. ick part II.

I have bad news for you guys... the world we live in that gives us a false but mostly consistent sense of semi-privacy is FALSE. I know you are shocked awed and alarmed. But if I told you that almost anyone could find you almost anywhere at anytime (or course provided you are not trying to be hidden) you might not believe me. It is so.

I got a call from Japan on Friday. (he is no longer stationed in Japan). He works for an engineering firm in Austin, TX. He now has degrees in Physics and some kind of engineering. I have not talked to him in 5 years.

The last time I talked to him, he called me crying in the middle of the night, because he found out there was a girl in Japan supposedly carrying his child. and she was in a car accident. He was flying back to see if his child was alive. Oh.

That was bad because though we did not officially 'date' I've known him for a very long time. We'd talked almost everyday for 2 years... eventually he asked me to marry him. and was working on the ring (as I did not think this a valid question without one).

and then there is another girl in another country with his possible child. We were not "together" because he was in a whole other country. What kind of a nut job considers herself to be with someone she sees 2x a year and thinks he would be faithful? but even he could not say beyond a shadow of a doubt that this was not his child (Friday August 24. 2007 he tells me it was not his child).

Does it look like a pattern? WHY IS THERE ALWAYS ANOTHER STINKING GIRL? AND WHY IS SHE COUPLED WITH GREAT BIG GRAND GESTURES OF I LOVE YOU AND WANT TO BE WITH YOU ETC. ETC. WHY?

and why do boys lie? for what reason? I am not your mom, I am not the law, I am not God.
I cannot send you to your room, I cannot send you to jail, I cannot send you to hell. There is nothing I can do to you...

and they get busted. or they bust themselves. why? it makes no sense.

And yet, that is not the best part. the best part is actually 2 parts...

I. He is calling to ask if I will come and see him in Austin for the Labor day weekend or if I will allow him to come see me here. He will buy the ticket if I want to fly... or he is willing to take the drive.

II. He got my phone number, with my address (this has yet to be confirmed), car and license plate (this info it the red Mirage that was totalled last year), along with a supposed background check (I want this info) off of one of those Internet searches that promises to find anyone for like $20.

I could not breath. It took all I had not to hyper-ventilate over the phone. Does it seem like some stalker sh*t? Does that even look slightly familiar.

Jesus H. Christ this is not good.

and it raises some great big friggen questions.

1. what is it? what is it about me that brings out the crazy?
2. how much of the information he has is accurate, how did he get it, how do I get my info pulled off of those things.
3. what is it there being another freakin girl? I mean really? Bama, Dk, and him.
4. again, what is it that made him resort to a stalker like mode of behavior? what? how did he think this was ok? i had one. a whole stalker, then the boogie man, and now him. wtf?

So I say "we will talk about it" because that was all I could squeak out.

The follow up voicemail is apologetic "I didn't mean to frighten you" really cuz you did.

"because it kind of felt like I did" because that is exactly what you did

"But I really want to see you, so please think about it"

Is it the Marine syndrome of wanting a girl pining for you in a myriad of cities? what is that?

but as scared as I am, it is a conversation I am going to have. I am not flying there, and I do not want him here. So maybe I will take the drive. I have the family of a friend I could stay with... and I can leave whenever I wanted... good God what am I doing... but part of me has to know.

Who was it that says if you get the same thing from enough people and the only unchanging variable is you... maybe it has something to do with me?

and I am going to talk to Bama. Lots of phone tag today... but Monday is his official last work day and I am going to do this. because apparently I may have this situation (if not person) again, so the faster we get the 1st out of the way... the easier the next will be.

You got this? I got this.

I'm going to take a pepto.

Don't ask me for cake, cuz I'm not sharing.

Right out the gate, I have no title. perhaps by the end I will.

Yesterday was the great big birthday. All in all, very good day.

I will give you the highlights and then on to Rushdie- or we will do Rushdie tomorrow, I think that is more like it.

Mom sent me beautiful flowers. she is smirky and smug when I get flowers from a boy. She says "Let me guess... roses? Honestly! No imagination" I don't know 1/2 the names of the stuff in the arrangement, but it was color scheme and set that could and would only come from mom.

I spent Christmas in Vegas w/ my family. Close to the end I figured out it would have been cool to give Lemon a poker chip from each of the casino's on the strip. I.e. I thought of you here. and here. and here. and here too.

But I didn't think of it until the last day. When I'd already packed and my purse was with my things to go to the airport so I had no license on me while we are eating lunch.

My uncle is told I want this. He does not know why I want this, he really doesn't care. He is only concerned with the idea that this is something I expressed that I want. He is convinced we could do this in like 20 min (on Christmas Day. On the strip among everyone and their grandmothers). Needless to say it didn't happen. But i got a package yesterday with a B-day card ,a gift certificate... and a zip lock bag of 27 $1 chips from the different casinos.

Because he loves me.

:)

It reminds me that while some girls look husbands like their dads, I would want someone who was like him.

Stupidly I tried to workout. P-day called me out and scooped me up in front of everybody. I'm 5' 7". It is disconcerting to picked up like a 2 year old. I forgot my brace and left early.

Shy stops me to give me a package... I did not take it and told him I would be right back. He calls today to ask why I didn't get my present, I tell him Bunny's b-day is Friday and I didn't want mine unless she got a present too. (the clutch she gave me is tan snake skin and SO ugly. but I did not tell her so).

Rounded out w/ JB made me lasagna and we killed a bottle of Italian Pinot Grigio that was over priced but came in a wicked cool bottle. Which was the retardo birthday choice. I had the leftovers today... and they made me sick

Bama-Tj's last day of work was yesterday. I saw him briefly, he came over to talk as I was leaving but got mauled mid-conversation. And I didn't have the balls to say it. That is the anti-climax. I walked away. and kept walking.

and he will leave in the next few days, and that will be it. I think that was a bit of a present too.

I am further humbled by the calls and texts I got. I am AMAZED at some of the people that remembered. Honestly, how? but good day. better than I could have hoped for.

and the best present of all... a little bit of peace.

MY NEW JOB IS FREAKIN AWESOME.

Is it just me... or does that title also look like it is an invite to countdown how long it takes for new job to be not freakin awesome AT ALL?

so the exact title on the new business cards... which are on their respective way... say

Corporate Training Coordinator for E&I (Environmental & Infrastructure)

Consulting Firm (ish) is also a Fortune 500 company (albeit barely) one of 3 with a huge presence in LA. Our state is just not good to companies... in fact our tax laws suck. In fact all of our politics suck... in fact Jindal is not the answer only a manufactured candidate, but we have to try him because he is the lesser evil and a novel Catholic Desi. What just happened in that paragraph?

Oh, and the 1st day... friggen sweet. Orientation was 2 hours but interesting. after badges, I got to hit the ground running on a conference call with the head of all other aspects of training (because I have an idea of what I am doing..or not at all :). Got pulled for lunch with the head of one of the serpents... ate with her... pulled again by the Head Recruiter whom I 1st interviewed with. My boss is out of town this week... so he says I get to eat with him... I told him I just ate.. He says ...

"We are expensing it, and a private chef is making it... so eat again. or take it home. I know the other manager... she will try to feed you salad... that is not food".

Other manager DID feed me salad. and it was not from the private chef!

So post lunch I am enlightened to the fact that I am not "in the system" so I can not log on to computer... and tell you guys how righteous my day is... so I am given an office depot catalogue and told to "PIMP my cube"... we'll come back to that.

Recruiter casually happens by and scoops me up for a "chat". Which was hours of him talking about EVERYTHING. He is fascinating to be sure. and I can learn a lot from him. about my job, about his job, about how to do well at this company. He has taken a shine to me...

... and then the little voice in my head hears the last explosive conversation I had with Shy. To which he expostulates...

"You don't even know how hard I work for you. I am putting your name in the right ears all the time. You will get Northwestern if you want it, Firm will pay for schooling if you stay in LA, and you will move up there. Provided you don't set anything on fire, you are golden there."

I question his motive and am adamant that I can and AM doing this on my own. Further what does he get out of the situation? He says "I get to love you from afar". This is too weird. I tell him I don't want it. Nothing is free and I am not for sale. Not for a job, not for a school... not at all.

He feels insulted.

I don't know what else to do. I think he is not talking to me again (would anyone that is shocked and dismayed... and does not understand that he will get over it in 2.5 seconds... please read the archived entries of this blog).

Swim Lessons. At the end of this month (maybe before) I am going to see about taking a class at LSU. Bama is good. Bama has cancelled 2x since Thursday. (which secretly worked out well for me) but he is getting ready to go away... and he has a lot to wrap up. I understand.

I also understand that this is now a non issue. (I've typed that before) But all of the quality time has not been weird. We have always been able to avoid the "us" conversation for polite and at times more pressing issues... and it is not that important.

It was because I am me. and I felt slighted. and I lacked being comfortable enough to express... but now I could. and he is not the person that needs to know it. It would do no good. and the next time with someone else, I have better to offer. so yay me.

Whew! Big post. Later I will tell you why I heart August. It is the best month ever. and much like last August... full of YAY ME!

Dream Weaver.

I might be a little harsh on the Malty Milt Head. He is all over this horror-scope thing. and I don't so much buy into it. I think it's wild how illogical it is that such a successful person really takes this as little hints on what his real life will hold. It just doesn't make good sense.

and yet... I think I have a couple of superstitions as well. Well, at least one.

I am reminded of this as I woke up to the alarm clock at 530 this morning (because TODAY is my technical last day at Chase... we'll get there... Please hold) with the remnants of a dream still fuzzy in my head. as I shook it loose and mulled it over, I thought "Sh*t. Now it's never going to happen."

that is my superstition. If I dream a situation... it is not going to turn out that way. It might not be the EXACT opposite, but whatever happened in my dream is EXPLICITLY not going to happen. It weird, but it's kind of tried and tested.

And it's kind of obvious that whatever I am dreaming is something weighing on my mind. be it sub or conscious. It is not so disappointing... except it crosses out a possibility. or maybe I'm just dumb f*cking myself.

little better.

after step, abs, circuit, and then swimming... I saw a tiny bit of progress in the swim.

I can almost make it 25 metres with the perfect kicking and the non-choking breathing... almost.
So I am taking today off (to drink. at 6. at the Chimes. can you tell I am looking forward to it?) and getting back in on Friday with no other bits of physical exertion before. Because Bama says if I can do this whooped I'm going to kick so much bum when I am fresh.

Also I want him to stop trying to be my BFF. Still don't like it.

This semi put my world back in sync this morning. Breathe and a fitting theme I think.

theme

What is wrong with me?!

Warning! Emotional Female on the loose!

This is the best/worst new song ever.

It is on repeat.


and I keep tearing up.

Amy Winehouse - Tears Dry On Their Own

Dammit.

if I didn't tell you already, Chimes by LSU for 6ish tomorrow night.

August 14, 1947

Today is India's Independence Day.

It is the 60th anniversary.

Why is it a big deal to a girl who is 3 generations away from it and 1st generation American? because it is humbling to have a conversation with my illiterate maternal grandmother who looks as me with eyes full of expectation.

Because I am 3 generations away from illiteracy. from destitute poverty. from not having a hint of a prayer for education or the luxuries I take for granted.

Because my parents want me to marry an Indian. and I am so spoiled I can grimace and say that I'm not marrying some back-a**wards guy who does not speak English and has no education and will never make more than I do.

It is why my grandmother looks at me and asks what I am going to be in life and how I am going to get there. The underlying hint of a line of ancestors that made huge sacrifices that I may drive a Jeep Liberty (not overly impressive-but in her world, it is) and live in the (arguably) richest country in the world.

Like the idea in "A Thousand Splendid Suns"... have your ancestors given so much of their lives, their families, their heartache... for you to be a maid in a foreign country.

It is the expectation that you will be great because you come from greater stuff. and there are mother-nations of billions of people who never had and will never have the chances that you do.

Divisadero

Below is Ms. Jhumpa Lahiri's review of Ondaatje's new book Divisadero. I give you this and will weigh in at the bottom.

My life always stops for a new book by Michael Ondaatje. I began Divisadero as soon as it came into my possession and over the course of a few evenings was captivated by Ondaatje's finest novel to date.

The story is simple, almost mythical, stemming from a family on a California farm that is ruptured just as it is about to begin. Two daughters, Anna and Claire, are raised not just as siblings but with the intense bond of twins, interchangeable, inseparable. Coop, a boy from a neighboring farm, is folded into the girls' lives as a hired hand and quasi-brother. Anna, Claire, and Coop form a triangle that is intimate and interdependent, a triangle that brutally explodes less than thirty pages into the book. We are left with a handful of glass, both narratively and thematically.

But Divisadero is a deeply ordered, full-bodied work, and the fragmented characters, severed from their shared past, persevere in relation to one another, illuminating both what it means to belong to a family and what it means to be alone in the world. The notion of twins, of one becoming two, pervades the novel, and so the farm in California is mirrored by a farm in France, the setting for another plot line in the second half of the book and giving us, in a sense, two novels in one. But the stories are not only connected but calibrated by Ondaatje to reveal a haunting pattern of parallels, echoes, and reflections across time and place. Like Nabokov, another master of twinning, Ondaatje's method is deliberate but discreet, and it was only in rereading this beautiful book--which I wanted to do as soon as I finished it--that the intricate play of doubles was revealed.

Every sign of the author's genius is here: the searing imagery, the incandescent writing, the calm probing of life's most turbulent and devastating experiences. No one writes as affectingly about passion, about time and memory, about violence--subjects that have shaped Ondaatje's previous novels. But there is a greater muscularity to Divisadero, an intensity born from its restraint. Episodes are boiled down to their essential elements, distilled but dramatic, resulting in a mosaic of profound dignity, with an elegiac quietude that only the greatest of writers can achieve. --Jhumpa Lahiri

actually, I don't think I have any words fitting to be put next to such an eloquent summation. This book is not a hard read, but definitely a heavy one. I have to take breaths between chapters... to soak it in. to comtemplate. to grieve and grasp the abstract presented with in his physical words. My adoration for Ondaatje stems hugely from his magic trick of showing you each of his cards and then the magic that was always there. No slight of hand but a turn of phrase that equally could be called such.

I also can not wait to finish it so that I can start all over again. Maybe my words will have more coherence then.

The one I am reading now that is an easier bit is A Thousand Splendid Suns. NY Times Bestseller, by the author of Kite Runner... Khalid Houssain (sp?). It moves faster across the Afghani poli-landscape. and makes it personal. It carries depth, pain and flight like Kite Runner did. It holds a similar theme but moves between character perspectives as KR did not.

What I found most impressive (which I am always surprised that I do) is the way he writes women. The way he writes harsh mysogonistic subjects with a minds eye that doesn't seem like it crosses genders. Maybe that is the feminist in me.

Today I am more settled on a whole. This is the week of clean up, professionally. maybe personally too. How does the saying go... when god closes a door he opens up a window?

Some thing are being slammed shut. Bama whispers the existence of a girlfriend... that is being left. I consider rescinding the scheduled big-girl conversation. I am conflicted.

DK is too much. We spit all the time. It is all over the blog. I forgive. We mess up again. I forgive again, but it is not getting better. Yesterday he "suggests" I need to make some decisions on whether or not I want him in my life and how. I am conflicted.

I sit on his porch as we prep to air our grievances. He starts with his take on Rosemary. I leave him on the porch mid-sentence. He does not get to have issues about how I react to his bad behavior. especially since I gave you the benefit of "pleasant conversation" during your needy international calls. that he could look me dead in my face and question why I would grant her the civility of a cup of tea... and chastise me for it... no. in this instance, I am above reproach. and that getting your issue out is more important than how you hurt me... says I knew a long time ago that you were not for me.

and I need to let my bits of hypocrisy go and act like it.

This one time at band camp...

I don't think I'm going to get the stuff I meant to post.

Let's start with what I got.

I am LOVING Lily Allen. Loving it! her music, not her trite dramatic celebrity life. So this is today's theme song. Because I heart it mucho..

02.Lily Allen - Knock 'em Out

"... no, not in a million years. You're nasty, please leave me alone." love it. LOVE it. I am laughing so hard, it is so sorry what amuses me. I would use some of this stuff.

and also, I don't like people. I say that earnestly I think. I've started a row with too many people. Maybe I am cranky and fussy. this feels a lot like what happened around V-day.

back to the title.... So I spent the weekend in Gulf Shores, AL with 10 other girls in a 3 bedroom, 3 bath condo on the beach. very nice really.... except it was just like dance camp. By Saturday night, I was done. I couldn't stand them for 1 more second.

I had mini-words with Tourettes. It was our very 1st time. In about 7 years of what is a real friendship. it was over quickly with "I'm sorry"s and "I love you"s. You know, the way girls fight without really fighting. it was over her bit of hypocrisy.

Shy still over his trying to exert himself. and taking issue with Bama period.

Dk. Because I am still treating him like crud over the Rosemary thing. (what? she contacted me over MySpace. and she's nasty. I have no reason to protect her privacy) He keeps calling and wants to have in depth conversations about nothing. (Bama withstanding... no. no in depths with him)

We rowed over him trying to correct me about Afghanistan's political history. He is not smarter than me. He does not read, and he was not right. I let him have it last night because I was tired. I looked it up this morning and when he called to say "good morning" he was treated to a discourse on the Afghan's political climate circa the Soviet collapse. Which was replaced again with the MUJAHIDEEN and not the TALIBAN which came about 2 years later. and it was NOT an American construction. idiot.

He thinks I am deflecting and unhappy with life. He says last week it was Bama, this week I am taking it out on him. (not really true)

The answer he got was "How about you go pick up a newspaper instead of psycho-analyzing me."

Harsh. but he listens not at all.

The pic is a limited print from Cirque. and I want it badly. It is only $875. I am wondering what I could sell to make this thing happen. But it looks like it may not happen today. but one day. I find it breathtaking and beautiful like you would not believe. I would create a portion of my dream study/library around it.

Update: my boss just pops up over my shoulder to ask "If I needed you to work overtime this week... which days would you be available?" my prompt reply "Not any. I'm all booked up :)" and I am going back to Yoga tomorrow in my new BCBG yoga pants... so you and your 8-5 can SUCK IT! but I didn't say that last part.

"Pick me..."

Choose me... love me!

Right, so we all remember that Meredith said this to McDreamy on Grey's Anatomy? Yes? We were there, we all collectively sighed... and thought she was a mellow-dramatic tub of marshmallow? Yes? We were all there?

uhhhh... except... and please stay with me... self deprecating humor with some way harsh words from the Dream Killer to come.

So DK is back. He's a law clerk for the Dept of Insurance. He's working downtown again. We had lunch one day. Overachiever bought a house and gutted it. so I am on Team O and helping to fixer upper the hot gutted mess.

As I am priming after Wednesday's run- no swim... I am reflective, contemplative... one might say nauseated because Bama is training 2 other Rocket Chixx (one of my triathalon groups). No, I'm not jealous... yes I secretly smile that I get priority and have the option of monopolizing his time. Even if I don't do that. He calls me to make sure I am ok with him splitting 2 days next week for an hour. While I circuit he will be swimming. then he will swim with me.

But, in the interest of the growing and non-hypocrisy... I am to have the talk w/him before he leaves. and I am still psyching myself up to get there. DK senses I am having issues with something and tries to talk to me. I feel I talk about this too much (granted the majority is on the blog... it is my self-indulgent outlet) and have given this too much importance. But that also is testament to how much I do need this conversation. But I don't want to have it with the DK.

He asks... so I ask... "Are you more my friend or my ex-boyfriend?" He says "Whatever you need me to be. If you need a friend I will give you the best I have, I always have." not.

I say "but I REALLY need you to be my friend. and any ex-boyfriend-ness will result in my throwing you off of this unfinished porch".

and I tell him about it. all of it. with all of my mistakes thrown in there. He knew the outline, but not the extent to which I was stuck like a skipping record.

He scoops me up and sits me on the swing. This is not about to be good.

"K. I tell you this all the time... You are smart, witty, beautiful...etc etc." translation... the next words out of his mouth are about to be a major kick in the head!

"but since the Water Buffalo... when have you put yourself out there for a guy? When have you ever been sure? When did you unequivocally express interest and state... I like you, I want you."

ok, never.

"and I know you, you expect the guy to be sure. Bama did pitch for you... you said you needed time... why would you think that he would go home and just pine for you until you were sure. and to run after you on the off chance you said yes? That goes against his self-respect as a man... if you guys had crossed the hurdle to love he would have something to shoot for... you didn't give him anything... what was he supposed to do?"

oh this is about as not good as I thought it would be... but the clincher is coming....

"Further, you have the words FORMAL COURTSHIP stuck as his askance... what words does he have from you?"

There was that time that I told him I liked him...

"ok, and he said he was going to see another girl... you said "have a good night". how hard would it have been to say... Don't go see her, come see me. Pick me, choose me. because I like you and I want you, and I want you to try with me."

I didn't have those words, then. and they still seem scary now.

JB made me dinner last night, and we vaguely have the updates and I am also stuck in "he's about to go away forever and I will never have to worry about this ever ever again" to which K-dawg (her husband) passes through with...

"Have you met you? If it was anyone else, maybe. Because it is you... you will cross paths again. and before you have that conversation, you have to be sure that you will be ok with whatever comes out of his mouth. because it could literally be anything."

all the more reason to suck it up and have the talk.

As I mention new job to Bama he is full of Congrats... and then says "Drinks are on you :)" No. no drinking with Bama.

Can't Touch This.

My last semester of college consisted of one class. Freshman Biology Lab over the summer.

I don't know why this was so hard for me, but it was.

My lab partner was a super adorable freshman girl (see how important she was? I still remember her name. or not) who was a smart a** to boot. Needless to say, we got along really well.

The day we got back our 1st lab happened to be the day I picked up my cap and gown... so I was late to class. I glided in behind the lecturing teacher and took my seat. Lab partner whispered "Nice of you to join us".

She was so cute. so naive. so innocent.

I took my time while I looked at the lab we got back. We'd gotten 100. Of course we did, it was my lab.

I smiled as I showed her the inside of my bag with the cap and gown. and the lab that said 100. and calmly, patiently and slowly... explained that this 1 lab guarenteed my D in this class even if I didn't do any other assigments or tests. That was a pass and all I needed to ensure I walked with the rest of my class...

... further, from there on out- everyday that I "joined" her for class... was a HUGE gift.

She was very quiet that day. :)

That has become my existence here. I didn't even get to formally say I was leaving. I requested an audience with my boss... she looked me in the face and said "God Da**it, You're quitting!". I gave her a piece of paper with my sentence and a half:

Please consider this my two weeks notice of resignation. My last day will be August 17, 2007. Thank you.

and she signed the acknowlegment I gave her. and knew she was F*cked.

The last couple of days she asks that I train lesser mail clerks and seasoned people who have been here for 20 years on the idiot proof things of what I do, and she will have to absorb the rest. and she further asks that I write out procedures as much as possible for the 11 billion things she does not know. :)

let's do that again :)

that felt really good :)

So I am and I will. and my sparkly work ethic says that I will hold up my end of the bargain and stay until the 17th. Or as close to it as possible. Because these are the days that I could literally set my desk on fire, and still be gainfully employed. :)

Also, I have TONS of new BFFs. People who have never felt the need to have a civil conversation with me are spending quality time at my conference table... usually asking for lets of reccomendation. I have a running list. but not all of those people are getting a letter. and none of them have a concrete promise. they all know I may not "get to"them.

and we do all of this, because you never know what life gives you. The Firm may not work out. But how much do we love that it is also a Fortune 500 company (albeit barely) that actually ACTS and DRESSES like one.

Since getting the offer, someone from there has called everday to get me squared away. Paper work etc. Making sure I don't need anything, happy to have me. Excited to see me. etc. etc. :)

Cheers.



:)

Sugar Rush

I've been working out hard (and mostly consistently) for about 2 years. about.

In that time I have lost all of 3 lbs. 3.

Want to know why? because I still pretty much eat what I want, when I want. I don't diet, I don't feel the need to. But now I am training harder. and everyone knows how important diet is... you can't eat crap and work it off and still look like Brooke Burke unless you are between 13-18 years old.

I know this. or my head know this. My tummy says "onion rings please."

So now I'm trying to start making small changes before I completely revamp, or even I know I won't stick to it. The 1st big thing to go is potato chips, and cutting sugar.

Chips are now 100 calorie packs of chex mix (I could do worse). Sugar is a problem. I eat oatmeal at work for breakfast (because I am getting here for 630 these days). I love the Cinnamon Roll stuff... because it is loaded w/sugar. So pointed out by Swimmer who gets too much face time on blog.

I made the move to Maple and Brown sugar that is the 50% less sugar. It is gross. I mean like NASTY. The 2nd day I put a banana in it. which made it better (because banana equals sugar). but today I have no banana.

So I make the oatmeal... and I am stirring it... and it is mocking me in the bowl with how gross it is going to taste. and as I pass the coffee stand with all of the coffee amenities I imagine the container of sugar taunting me with:

It doesn't have to be like this... I can make that taste just go away... you know I can... and you know you want some. Just a have a little, one spoon... who would know?

yes I am a dork extraordinaire. But no. I took my icky oatmeal the way it was. because I am working out too damn hard to undermine progress with sugar.

also, will blog the ripple effects that my 2 sentences have had all over the work place in a little bit. It is funny. It is also good to be me.

I have the drug screen today... let's see if my oatmeal shows up. I don't even know what that was supposed to mean.

Today is a good day.

why?

I GOT AN OFFER FROM THE CONSULTING FIRM!

START DATE IS AUGUST 20TH!

Beer is the Boy-Equivalent to Flowers.

at least that is the way I understand it. and if this is so... I am tempted to go buy Mr. Bunkles a keg... and roll it into the elevator. That would be funny.

So I still do not want to work for NorthWestern Mutual. At all. at all. let's do that again... AT ALL!

But that's okay because I don't have to. Because I have a Team that believes in me, and yesterday I got to see parts of that Team at work.

Because the uber-great consulting firm gave me a nibble. I am a finalist for the position I interviewed for and they called to double check that they could call my references. Bunkles (because I work so closely with him... and he has the position here that I want with the firm), ex-Boss Lady- (because I don't respect any of my current management who cannot write clearly much less speak articulately) rounded out with Jenny Bear because she is usually the perfect compliment to any situation.

So with a time lapse of 20 minutes, respectively, I get the follow up calls of my friends telling me what was asked of them, and what they said. and while each was great, Bunkles was my ace in hole. wow. I would hire me from the way I look in his eyes.

Malty Milt Head says "Yay! Celebrate now. Dinner? Drinks? Vegas?" not yet. Plus I leave for the beach Friday after work to get back on Sunday... so I have to hit the gym Mon-Thurs.

Yesterday was 3 hours at the gym. Ick. Step, abs, circuit, then an hour plus in the pool w/ Bama.
and is it telling that I am more concerned and awkward about this when he's not in front of me (like I am overly-anxious) but with him, no big deal. and while he is in front of me, I would never have thought there was a future there. I say this as it is contrasted with Tourettes who FREAKS when she sees the GoodChristian. Maybe I'm desensitized? Maybe over it?

When we get closer for time for him to leave, we are scheduled to have a sit-down talk. and I will do what I tell Tourettes she needs to. and be done with it. Because he is going away forever... what is the worst that could happen if I beared my soul? He thinks I'm goofy? Who the f*ck is he? and maybe this will be good for me. no matter what he says or how unflattering it is.

and the best part is... I will tell you all about it so you may have a laugh at my expense. by this time it should be good and funny, or I will just wait to tell you whenever it gets there.

theme for today because it is what I wrap myself in... on repeat. You'll Never Find Another Love I would also like to give you Dave Matthews Band #41 from the Crash album... but I still don't know how to upload.

Regression.

Sometimes you have to take a small step backwards to take a bigger step forward.

and that's not a bad thing.

This weekend was such a testament to how much the stuff that is issues, themes and the subjects of posts on this blog are on-going stories. How nothing is finite and done. No matter how much I think they are. hmmmm.

Remember Tourettes and the GoodChristian... They "dated" for 3 months. She was and is uber messed up about him 8 months later. Why? because she never talked to him. Oh they email, but not really talked. (sounds familiar? Don't judge me!) The refreshers...

here

here

and here

and it is so easy to see in other people. She is really hurt over this... how bad would it have been to say "I need to talk about this. I like you. This hurt me." how bad? Well, it's just not something all of us can do.

But if you don't do it, you stay stuck there. Yes it get less every day, but then you come face to face with that person and you get to start all over again. because you haven't really healed.

I have more but I don't like the trajectory of this post. so we'll have to come back to .
Also today is Interview day with Northwestern Mutual.

I officially said no thank you to the job that was beneath me. and explained why in diplomatic terms to HR. For such diplomacy and honesty I got a volley to a bigger manager for a better position. Today we sit down to "chat".

The Allure of Dillusion.

I get why people live in La-La land. (Laa-laa!) Because it is nice and warm and squishy there. No one hurts anyone and everything is just as you want it to be.

I heart my friends. I am lucky to have you guys. Many many kisses... even if you don't write... or blog... or give me a good shaking when I need it.

I say this as I had to tell Tourettes to not talk to me about Bama. She no longer gets to discuss the subject with me. WHY?

Because she loves me, therefore she is biased. She is a woman and has the mind f*ck abilities we all do. and because she loves me and thinks like a woman... she says what we would all think. and daydreams out loud.

Yesterday she called to ask how swim lesson #1 went... I tell her about it. she says "AWESOME!" and this is where she gets cut off...

"So now it's only a matter of time before you guys get close, and then he falls madly in love with you and you tell him not to go to Tampa and he will stay here and everyone will be happy!' NO.

No, no, no, no, no. That is not what is going to happen, and that is not what we are wishing to happen, and that is not going to enter any given part of our consciousness. In fact, I have every intention of busting it out in a pool (it was supposed to be today but it's getting pushed until tomorrow) and learn how to freakin breathe between my strokes so that we can have as few lessons as possible.

So he can go away. and there will be no quality time. and I will cease to be self-conscious. I am working on this so hard, I am about to stare people down to force myself to make eye contact.

Shy calls me last night. He takes issue with Bama and he always has. He says "not Bama. anyone else. Pick a private teacher, no matter what it costs I will pay it. Just not Bama."

Bama goes away in 26 days. Why would he still insist? What does he think would happen? News Flash people... there is a camera on that pool... we're not gonna be boinking in a very public pool... and I learned my lesson. I did. No Bama, only swim lessons and lots of working on me.

Keep it up and you guys will fail to get to have an opinion. I am spending the non-booked parts of my weekend with Ondaatje anyway.

The new novel is out. I just got it and finished Rushdie's Midnight's Children (will have to tell you about it). I don't like how people compare both Rushdie and Ondaatje to Garcia Marquez. Not every writer who uses a bit of mysticism is a GGM! and Rushdie doesn't get mentioned in the same breath as Ondaatje! They are not of the same caliber... I don't think.

and I sigh as I will blog Ms. Jhumpa Lahiri's comments later... that much like her ... for Ondaatje my world literally stops.

I leave you with bated breath (on my part, silly).

News Flash! I am not perfect.

I am self-conscious. I am always self-conscious. If you think that I am confident and have all of my sh*t together... apparently you do not know me well.

I am a perfectionist and demanding of myself. If I can't get it right, I am irritated. I am that competitive jerk that will do it until I can do it at least as well as you can.

I over-think everything. Everything. If there is a way to mess it up by focusing on it too much... I will do that.

This comes from my 1st swim lesson. Bama is right, and so is everyone that ever said so... He is the friggen best at what he does.

He did not say any of the things I started with. He has the ability to reassure you in a way that makes it not a big deal... but he is trying to fix these things.

He did mention the self conscious. It was "How are you so self conscious? Stop that. Don't be that way." Most of it was teaching in a calm patient way.

I also get that there was never a future here. I got it from my end a long time ago. But I think from his end too. and I also think we should have spent some time getting to know each other without any alcohol. That would have been good.

Because I don't think I would ever have kissed him without it. and that sentence alone makes me feel small.

There is a lot of great stuff in him... and lots I want in the person I am with. and he is hot. I mean like really hot. Like super hot. Like we swam in the end lane and started with 6 empty lanes next to us... by the time we left (at 830) it was full of girls giggling and drooling.

I get that he has much oppurtunity to be a man-whore and it is hard for guys to say no. I also get that what he exudes is quintessetially what every woman wants.

My new cubbie mate (because I now work in a cubicle to promote a team environment) says everything happens for a reason. Like swim lessons are supposed to teach me to swim, and maybe something else?

Maybe that I do not like myself as much as I thought. and how is anyone to be comfortable with me if I am not?

Stupid Bama gave me stupid goggles. I am to practice at least once between now and Monday. I need the lessons. I am grateful for the lessons. and if I had to pay for his time... I know how much this would be. and still... I hate this.

"Hey, remember that time..."

Apparently that is how Big girl, suck it up because I have to ask for a favor- conversations start.

Made it to the gym yesterday... Bama is at the door and waits to walk me in. This is how it goes...

K: Hey, remember that time...
Bama: That you needed to learn how to swim and you realized that I am the best person to teach you?

K: Ok, that too... and also that time that I stuck my foot in my mouth and said I did not need your help?
Bama: As a matter of fact, I do remember that!

K: Is that far away and funny yet?
Bama: *laughs* yes it is. What is your schedule like because we are 30 days and counting...

So we put a schedule together... 4 times a week for an hour plus... for the next 30 days. Starting at 7pm today.

and guess what this is costing me? Nothing. He is officially on Team Kiran. Yeeeeeeah Team.

and after 30 days, he goes away. forever. :)

Update: Malty Milt Head is off the blog! This what he sends me in response to post... as his bit of Horror for yesterday...

Allow that super-hot certain someone to demonstrate they've got a heart of gold as well as a shiny exterior before you get too wound up about 'em. As you well know, pretty is as pretty does.

Urban Relationship Myths- Part II.

Truly the stuff of legends and lore, people. truly.

If you need a refresher... this was part I. Who Knew-Part II

On to yesterday. Yesterday was the day to work on stamina- running. It rained a lot; so I was on a treadmill... 2 min walk, 5 min run- repeat until you pass out... for at least hit 1/2 and hour. It's not much but it was supposed to be a resting day.

I see the Bit (Little Bit) and I tell her I have beef with her...she chirps "why?" and I get to tell her... "remember that time that we talked and we shared and we confided about stuff... and there was the guy at our gym that was almost and then not but it was weird ...etc. etc.. THAT WAS BAMA!"

and she stares wide-eyed and puppy-faced. with "K, I didn't know! I feel so bad for you! but he wants to teach you... he does. I didn't even get it all the way out and he offered..." and in a small voice "and he is the best"

... and he is going away in a month. and I need to learn how to swim 700 meters super fast (or as the Mexican chimes in... I could jump into the water really far and try to run under water)

So of course Bama is on his way out (I thought I'd gone late enough that he would have been gone, nope) ... and I am trying to duck him. He waves, stops... sees me talking to Bit and doesn't come over. I waved and did not demur. Big girl here, because today I am going to have to suck it up and ask him to teach me to swim.

But none of that is the Myth that may have worked.

I told you Little Bit dated Pseudo-Daydream (twice). I thought I crushed, Bunny definitely did, and Bit got him. and broke him.

Because he is the 2nd person she has boinked ever. and her 2nd 'relationship' ever. and she wanted to stay a virgin until she got married. Obviously it did not work out that way. She has decided to stregthen her walk with God and stop boinking until she is married.

so she told the Pseudo-Daydream no more boinking. and he tried to be ok with it... and decided he could not. He broke up with her....

fast forward to Monday after circuit... she won. He comes to her with "I love you and I can't live with out you!"

and she doesn't know but he is going to ask her to marry him.

I call Bunny and we snuggle up to the idea that it works out for some people. and I look forward to being able to tell you about my own earth shaking beautiful love story... it is just not today.

Muchos Besos.