News Flash! I am not perfect.

I am self-conscious. I am always self-conscious. If you think that I am confident and have all of my sh*t together... apparently you do not know me well.

I am a perfectionist and demanding of myself. If I can't get it right, I am irritated. I am that competitive jerk that will do it until I can do it at least as well as you can.

I over-think everything. Everything. If there is a way to mess it up by focusing on it too much... I will do that.

This comes from my 1st swim lesson. Bama is right, and so is everyone that ever said so... He is the friggen best at what he does.

He did not say any of the things I started with. He has the ability to reassure you in a way that makes it not a big deal... but he is trying to fix these things.

He did mention the self conscious. It was "How are you so self conscious? Stop that. Don't be that way." Most of it was teaching in a calm patient way.

I also get that there was never a future here. I got it from my end a long time ago. But I think from his end too. and I also think we should have spent some time getting to know each other without any alcohol. That would have been good.

Because I don't think I would ever have kissed him without it. and that sentence alone makes me feel small.

There is a lot of great stuff in him... and lots I want in the person I am with. and he is hot. I mean like really hot. Like super hot. Like we swam in the end lane and started with 6 empty lanes next to us... by the time we left (at 830) it was full of girls giggling and drooling.

I get that he has much oppurtunity to be a man-whore and it is hard for guys to say no. I also get that what he exudes is quintessetially what every woman wants.

My new cubbie mate (because I now work in a cubicle to promote a team environment) says everything happens for a reason. Like swim lessons are supposed to teach me to swim, and maybe something else?

Maybe that I do not like myself as much as I thought. and how is anyone to be comfortable with me if I am not?

Stupid Bama gave me stupid goggles. I am to practice at least once between now and Monday. I need the lessons. I am grateful for the lessons. and if I had to pay for his time... I know how much this would be. and still... I hate this.