"Pick me..."

Choose me... love me!

Right, so we all remember that Meredith said this to McDreamy on Grey's Anatomy? Yes? We were there, we all collectively sighed... and thought she was a mellow-dramatic tub of marshmallow? Yes? We were all there?

uhhhh... except... and please stay with me... self deprecating humor with some way harsh words from the Dream Killer to come.

So DK is back. He's a law clerk for the Dept of Insurance. He's working downtown again. We had lunch one day. Overachiever bought a house and gutted it. so I am on Team O and helping to fixer upper the hot gutted mess.

As I am priming after Wednesday's run- no swim... I am reflective, contemplative... one might say nauseated because Bama is training 2 other Rocket Chixx (one of my triathalon groups). No, I'm not jealous... yes I secretly smile that I get priority and have the option of monopolizing his time. Even if I don't do that. He calls me to make sure I am ok with him splitting 2 days next week for an hour. While I circuit he will be swimming. then he will swim with me.

But, in the interest of the growing and non-hypocrisy... I am to have the talk w/him before he leaves. and I am still psyching myself up to get there. DK senses I am having issues with something and tries to talk to me. I feel I talk about this too much (granted the majority is on the blog... it is my self-indulgent outlet) and have given this too much importance. But that also is testament to how much I do need this conversation. But I don't want to have it with the DK.

He asks... so I ask... "Are you more my friend or my ex-boyfriend?" He says "Whatever you need me to be. If you need a friend I will give you the best I have, I always have." not.

I say "but I REALLY need you to be my friend. and any ex-boyfriend-ness will result in my throwing you off of this unfinished porch".

and I tell him about it. all of it. with all of my mistakes thrown in there. He knew the outline, but not the extent to which I was stuck like a skipping record.

He scoops me up and sits me on the swing. This is not about to be good.

"K. I tell you this all the time... You are smart, witty, beautiful...etc etc." translation... the next words out of his mouth are about to be a major kick in the head!

"but since the Water Buffalo... when have you put yourself out there for a guy? When have you ever been sure? When did you unequivocally express interest and state... I like you, I want you."

ok, never.

"and I know you, you expect the guy to be sure. Bama did pitch for you... you said you needed time... why would you think that he would go home and just pine for you until you were sure. and to run after you on the off chance you said yes? That goes against his self-respect as a man... if you guys had crossed the hurdle to love he would have something to shoot for... you didn't give him anything... what was he supposed to do?"

oh this is about as not good as I thought it would be... but the clincher is coming....

"Further, you have the words FORMAL COURTSHIP stuck as his askance... what words does he have from you?"

There was that time that I told him I liked him...

"ok, and he said he was going to see another girl... you said "have a good night". how hard would it have been to say... Don't go see her, come see me. Pick me, choose me. because I like you and I want you, and I want you to try with me."

I didn't have those words, then. and they still seem scary now.

JB made me dinner last night, and we vaguely have the updates and I am also stuck in "he's about to go away forever and I will never have to worry about this ever ever again" to which K-dawg (her husband) passes through with...

"Have you met you? If it was anyone else, maybe. Because it is you... you will cross paths again. and before you have that conversation, you have to be sure that you will be ok with whatever comes out of his mouth. because it could literally be anything."

all the more reason to suck it up and have the talk.

As I mention new job to Bama he is full of Congrats... and then says "Drinks are on you :)" No. no drinking with Bama.