NO FEAR!

Yesterday was the Big Girl conversation with Bama. and the prelim w/Japan. and the putting to rest DK's issues... and figuring out that Bunny is still messed up about David as is Tourettes' about the GoodChristian.. rounded out with Shy is about to be uber mad at me.

Also, I am debating between changing the direction of the blog or keeping it as it is (as it was what it was) and starting another for the direction I would want this to have. Or maybe to have something with direction.

Friday night/early Saturday Jolie had some tummy trouble. Which snow balled into a trip to the ER and Sunday afternoon her gall bladder was removed. I spent all of Sunday with her while they ran tests. I don't see her often, but if she calls me, if she needs me, I wouldn't be anywhere else.

She is cracked out... and half asleep. She mumbles "How was the talk with Bama?" I say it has yet to happen.

Jolie mumbly: It's all over the blog, honey. You are hurt.
K: No, it is a non-issue he's going away

Jolie: he might be leaving but you were still hurt. This is less about him and more about you.
K: stupid, guilty silence

Jolie: this may be the 1st time you have let yourself be vulnerable, but it is not the last time you will be.
K: more silence

Jolie: I thought you were going to stop living in fear... what are you afraid of? This is for you. To heal

She is right. I have told myself to... but the hippo-head in me says it is hard. But she is right. and though, I have never done it, I should learn how.

So I called and got vmail. he called and got vmail... repeat til yesterday about 3. It was his 'last day' of work. he took it as vacation. I ask for that talk we were supposed to have... he says it is to be yesterday or today because he leaves Wednesday. We say tentatively for today... and he shows up to circuit.

...and works out w/my group. and next to me.... and stretches w/ me. He asks if we should get a drink... I tell him he is going to walk the track. He laughs and says "you're making me work for it, aren't you? Well, you deserve it." yes I do.

So we walk. and talk. and I let him start. of course he is apologetic... but we get to the bad part and I tell him what I would have said if I had had the words. I tell him I liked him, and what he did hurt me. I tell him I felt like I threw myself at him and I was embarrassed and awkward... and infuriated that he seemed fine.

and he said... he knew he hurt me, he was sorry. he did not know the extent that it hurt, and no- he didn't know that I was really liking him. He further says he handled this the wrong way... that he asked and asked because he was attracted to me but he asked at times when his life was not right and his head was not there. He took the wrong approach and did not get to know me (i.e. my head) until it was too late... and then he was embarrassed that he did not have better to stand next to me with. that he thinks I am better than him.

He thanked me for letting him teach me how to swim (I can competitively swim now) and said that in his mind, it was his penance. and the way that he made peace with the awkwardness that non-relationship created.

He says I should never give a guy a chance that messes up in the beginning... that I should make them run (at this point we are jogging... to take the edge off of a heavy conversation) because I am worth it... and the guy who doesn't recognize it is stupid- like him.

obviously there was a lot more. but it was just a conversation. he could have been blowing smoke. but he's leaving and it doesn't matter. and I have the peace that is just as great as I thought it would be.

Yesterday's theme is Seal's Love Divine. it repeated all the way home, and as I delete all contact info for the Bama, it's ok. and I am ok. and I go see Tourettes to tell her to talk to the GoodChristian, put it on the table. humbly. talk to him. and leave it there.

Japan is a different text. and a bit of granola. how funny it is to see people you have known all your life... and what they have become.