Did you ever wish it was you?

Nugget makes me recite a mantra whenever I am on the brink of feeling sorry for myself "In my own time, in my own time, in my own time". The point of it is to remember that each of the things that I want to accomplish- the job I want, getting into law school, being able to spend a month in Thailand, is a process and take time. But sometimes it is hard to see past the everyday tasks that are the b***ch work.

I have friends who have started their careers or have a decent sense of where they are going and are affirmed in each step to get there. And I feel like mine is plagued by self doubt and eleventy billion things that make me wander off in a different direction.

And then there are those people from your past that are the most extreme kick in the head. My water buffalo- because he snored like one... was my great soul shaking, earth shattering, tragically young 1st love. The first person that makes you believe in forever... is married to the girl he dated at the tail end of "us". Madigan who has known us both forever sometimes asks "Do you ever think it should have been you?" Honestly, the 1st time she asked it knocked the wind out of me, as everything associated with him did. But the answer was, and has always been the same... while I am happy he is happy, no I do not wish it was me. why? I remember the us... and that we tried everything to hold on to it and it just didn't work.

In the end we could not share a meal together. He would inevitably say the wrong thing, which would make me lose my appetite and not eat, and then he would scream, and I would cry, and he would finish his meal. And I would promise myself I would never go to another restaurant with him. I cried more over that boy than over anything else EVER. It was not good, it was not me. the only consistency we had was understanding all that we could not be to and for each other.

It puts into perspective that where I am in every aspect is a collection of choices... and I remember where I was and what I had when such was made. and considering you do the best with what you have, I couldn't have done it any differently. so no regrets. and I have to have patience that the everyday will lead to all I hope it will be. so that's faith then? and yet the wonderful petulance in me says I am tired of being poor and I'm ready to have this worked out now. but i am not anyone else, and this couldn't work out any other way. but it will in my own time.