... in transit.

Something is changing. Actually lots of things are changing. This is scary because it feels like something you (or I) can actually see. Yet the only thing that is changing is my perspective albeit it does feel like a shift.

I hear a lot of the m-word and it makes me nauseous. But I wonder if the right person would change that. Maybe as an abstract it is scary but to put a face to it would be different?

Bianca worries me. Dinner is tomorrow at her house and this morning she calls to ask what I am not supposed to eat. and I say "excuse me?" and she says "I know you are not allowed to have salt and something else... but I can't remember what you are not allowed to have..." My friends have GOT to stop talking to each other. (right now ice cream is not my friend- or milk- or fried anything)

I digress... in talking to her she saw or is seeing or still seeing a doctor she met another day that we had lunch. He spent most of that lunch drooling so it was only a matter of time before he walked over and introduced himself. I think he's a douche but I will keep that to myself for now because she really needs him to like her. She is getting over an invasive surgery and doesn't feel pretty. We can all relate... except that in her case it is ludicrous (yeah mike) because she is gorgeous.

I say douche because he casually drops into conversation that he is a doc and has a Mercedes. also he has lots of friends who are attys. Bianca has a law degree and is 1 part away from passing the bar. I want her to have a doc or a lawyer or someone worthy of her... but with money plus personality. and I don't think he was cute enough to be THAT arrogant. So they talk on the phone... she mentions she is recovering from a procedure... his response is akin to sporadic texts a few conversations... but basically "I'm feeling out someone else... call me when you are better and I'll put you back in the running for my time" again... this girl says WTF. But there is no polite way to say it. Bianca sees it but chooses not to.

When I visited her at home with soup, she mentioned she'd talked to the dream-killer. They have much in common and between them I don't get a word in edge wise. She says it is refreshing to talk to someone that you want to talk to... So why do we spend time talking to people that we don't want to talk to? back to the f*cked up validation. I want her to recognize that there is better... and yet not even I have it to show her.

There are the days that we talk about this or anything... and she tries to talk about me, and I am getting better at deflecting... but what do you say to someone who asks from the vantage point of love "You are so beautiful, why are you still single?" as if being called beautiful and single is a huge billboard that something is wrong with you.

She says that if I don't let go of the "americanisms" in me, I will end up like every other single american 30 something woman, alone. since when does alone = unhappy. and I know me, and I like me. As I am not traditional in every respect, I don't want traditional just because.

ahhh...today Bianca makes my head hurt.