You want a piece of me?

Yesterday I checked the mail... and I got real mail! Not just bills and junk! So I flip the little card round and round trying to guess what it could be. It is about the size of an invite to somebody's b-day or shower or some such thing... So I'm running throught the possibilities... then I see it is from Santa Clara, CA. Which means it's from my cousin Cali (get it... cuz she's in CA? no? nothing? I guess I had to many carbs this morning :)

It is a "Thank you" card... and I think "awwww... that's nice. Wait, what am I getting a Thank you card for?"... So I read the card. *note... please read the next sentence very slowly... it took me a second to wrap my mind around it*... Cali sent me a Thank you card to say Thank you for the Thank you card I sent her for the Birthday/Grad card she sent me. What?!

Let me stress that my Thank you was bigger and more thoughtful (hers was like $0.20... I know because as I type I have 2 packets in my drawer... I know what the break down is!). It was a willow tree card. Simple, elegant, blank in the middle for all the words I had to put in it.

As thoughtful (? ok we'll call it that.) as her card is... my initial response (and I fully acknowledge that I might be slightly competitive) Is she trying to challenge my Hallmark-edness? Don't test me woman, you will not win! I learned from the best! My mom would send a card to a purse snatcher that would guilt him into returning every purse that was ever snatched! I will call in reinforements, so help me I am not above it!

Again it is possible that I am looking at this the whole wrong way. Let me give you background. I am not so very close to my mom's big family. Everyone is so spread out... when we do all get together it is very apparent that I am my father's child... which is unfortunate because my mom's family sees my dad as the fabled Anti-Christo... the boogie man of all that is wrong with the world. I've met him all of 2x. I apologize for ending up with the wrong set of genes... but it is a bit of a one time magic trick... no putting this bunny back in the hat and seeing if you can pull out something different!

So Cali is another out-cast and was always the coolest cousin. She did all the bad stuff like sneaking out and never got caught. I am the bookish one (shocking isn't it)... My sister is the full fledged psycho... Karen is the beauty... Annie is the mini f***-up (Kris has her beat)... I got to many to go through ... you get the picuture- we are all different.

But recently Cali sends me cards for everything. Which is wierd. When I say everything... EVERYTHING. So maybe this is a new hobby? Maybe she is trying to 'build relationships'... She lived with my favorite uncle for a while... He is my favorite because I am his favorite. He believes that I am the princess of the world... and tells her so. She does not so much see it. Of course mom thinks Cali is the cutest thing in the world and threatens to hang me from the tree in the backyard for being so cynical... So in conclusion... IT IS SO ON!

I am going to find the stinking cutest most obnoxiously precious porcelin Precious Moments' thing to send her. Oh yeah, passive agressive girl is here and ready to rumble. Hallmark-style even! Why? I don't trust her intentions. Our entire relationship has been too wierd for too long.

The Palahniuk Drinking Game

Personal adaptation from a concept outlined in "Diary" by Chuck Palahniuk... yep the author of "Fight Club".

If the new 'lead' from the mailroom feels the need to cheerfully say 'hi, how are you' with such excitement that it looks like her eyes are going to pop out of her head... but they don't acutally pop out- take a drink.

If she does this EVERYTIME she sees you- Take another drink (each time).

If you see her 11 billion times a day and she still does it EVERYTIME she sees you with enthusiam that equals and rivals the very 1st time she did it- Take 2 drinks and an Advil liquid gel.

If she does it 3 times in 5 minutes- stop drinking... you (or I) will not make it to 11 a.m. with out sliding out of this chair. That would neither be impressive or attractive.

Talk about dodging a bullet!

So funky T works out at my gym also. I interrupted him talking to Bat-Girl to tell him to come to circuit training to which he says he has to get in better shape before such a thing is possible. He further asks if Daydream has ever told me what he (dreamy) eats. I say "no, why is it interesting?" He says Daydream is absolutely manic about it. He has his intake down to the exact calorie and every two hours etc. etc. He gets to the gym about 530 and leaves about 7. When he isn't training other people, he is training himself.... This is not the bullet.... please hold.... it's coming and it's great......

For breakfast he has is up at 4 with a piece of toast. I know, I know- you are thinking "what's wrong with that? I eat just a piece of toast sometimes..." no, no. A literal piece of a whole piece of toast. like let me cut this thing in 1/2 because I can't have all those carbs at once. WTF! It's not funny. but I can't stop laughing. So the daydream has been effectively squashed. Well... maybe a different kind of daydream... I did tell you his body is perfect. *sigh*

This is the greatest stuff on earth.

It is a sugar scrub. In small quantities you put it your hands- rub, rinse, and dry.... you will smell your hands all day.

With a friend... you take a bath and then a shower... and you don't leave the house/apt for the rest of the day. Hey, I don't make the rules.

My dentist keeps this in the bathroom of his office. I always have to brush my teeth before a cleaning at his office because I never remember to do it before I leave work. (The news from this visit is 1.) I have a sore throat and swollen lymph nodes 2.) I am less stressed and sleeping better- I'm not grinding my teeth and haven't popped off my sealants. yay.)

He used to have the Spearamint/Eucalyptus for Relax which I loved. Loved so much he gave me a jar for X-mas. I left it at Monito's and bought myself another which I have yet to open. Now he has Sandlewood Rose. I LOVE it. Sandlewood is Chandan in Hindi. and it is my most favoritest scent in this world.

Here is the kick in the head. If it is just me by myself, a whole jar all alone- I will never touch it. If I can only have a little (like at doc's office) I covet like crazy. And I absolutely must have the scent someone else has (not just another one they make but the specific one someone else has). How funny. How retarded. I am not going to let myself buy the Sandlewood Rose that I want. Ok. maybe we'll save it for a bad day... and then that is so what I am going to get!

It's not you ... it's me.

So I am officially over the daydream... what magic phenomenon occured to create this reaction? I had a conversation with him. It went well... but not for the reasons you are thinking. I can't say anything bad about him... in fact, much like the tag line indicates... I am done with this not so much because of him... but truly truly because of me.

Today we talked. Apparently he was once very corporate- fiber optic blah-biddy blah... as an extention from the time he served in the military working on special ops. So I ask "HOW?" how does one go from uber-cog in the great big corporate machine to developer of work-out phenomenenon (can you guess the word of the day?) called circuit training. He talks about how unhappy he was... and how much he focused on what he was good at- "training" people... or 1/2 killing them... if they didn't die and they got up... they were in better shape for it. To date apparently no one has died. He branched out into yoga and pilates and got certified in every thing. and now not only can I not breath... I feel very small.

I don't think I am doing this grown up thing right. No I am not happy in work. Yes I have a goal to accomplish as far as getting into law school. but what then? I don't have a very good plan and what is it that I am good at? Gi-normous ick!

Oh and the resolution was not to talk to him because the more I put it in context... the more I just couldn't. It would be so amazingly rude. The gym is where he WORKS and he is sociable and kind and everyone loves him. To throw myself at him would be desperate and pitiful. And if he said no- however diplomatically- I would be so mortified that I would have to find another gym to go to, and that would suck. So we keep it professional and back to the drawing board to work on me.

Update: As Daydream walked me out we passed Bama coming back from a corportate lunch in a tie. He e-mails me to say "hi" and he wanted to stop and talk but meetings and blah blah. The reponse he got from me? "You looked nice in your tie :)" to which he says that I always look nice and is it ok if he calls me. No response. He will try to work out with me tomorrow. I run faster and he still gets none of my time. Like the old post said- he should have behaved better. Yo no tengo mas tiempo para el.

I am not a 2-hitter qutter!

Side note: Screaming this into a cell phone does not so much convince the person on the other end of the validity of the aforementioned statement.

The dream-killer has officially forgiven me. Ok, would everybody please act surprised. He was over it by Tuesday, after I broke up with him as my friend Sunday night.

Friday night we went to dinner- he says I owe him a $10 glass of wine for the one I left at the loft. I say.... "ummmm sure." translation: not happening. So the restaurant we went to was wonderful- truly one of my favorites. Had a glass of wine with dinner and ordered an after dinner martini- couldn't drink it-it had Bailey's in it, it would have made me sick. We went to a cigar bar after that- it was awful... the crowd was red-necked, uncouth, and highly unattractive, which is the opposite of what this place usually is. We go to it's sister bar downtown- it was dead. And yet this seemed better than the usual suspects. Had a cosmo and ordered a Effn Black Cherry and sprite (hint: it tastes like a shirly temple) and couldn't drink it. Mr. Dream-killer who also thinks he knows me better than anyone in the world had the girl put it in a martini glass... with no ice...and apparently no sprite. and as much as I like Vodka I just couldn't stomach it. So I had all of 2. and Mr. DK finds it necessary to remind me that when a boy buys a girl a drink, she is supposed to drink it.

on to Saturday... and this is my funny.

We got tickets to the LSU game and a spectacular parking pass (which was worth more than the tickets) so I offered to buy us shirts. I got a football jersey #22- yeah ally (sp?) broussard. But it was the only one nike put out this year. I asked if DK was gonna get the same one... to which he replys... "Honey, no offense, but this is HOMECOMING not SADIE HAWKINS". I thought it was funny. The jersey he got was quite dashing as well.

Also used my ace of a guilt trip to get Saints tickets for last night, and about 3 in the afternoon I had to make the mature and adult decision to let them go. There was no way I was going to make it to N.O. in time and plus I didn't want to drive back so late or so early this morning.

In other news... not going to approach the Daydream. will post why later.

UGH.

That is the word for the day... because that is how I feel.

In other news... I hate Jordan Almonds. and somehow I constantly forget that. Look at the pic. Aren't they pretty? Don't they look edible? Right, but they are gross. So I have a disgustingly cute sachet of them on my desk leftover from a bridal shower. They are pretty. I forget they are gross. I try to eat one and spit it out... But they are still on my desk. I have to find someone to give them to, I'd hate to throw them away.

Even through the UGH comes a strange sense of peace. Serene tree frog indeed. Maybe will blog it later. I am ready for LSU to kick Tulane's teeth in, and hope Monito watches it to. ick.

Big Dumb Dummy-Head.

Yep. That's me. Wanna know why? French-Lebanese guy who spent Friday night proposing marriage to me. I gave him the wrong name but the right phone number. Stupid!

So he texts me 2x on Sunday- I text back to figure out who it is. I tell him I'm studying I'll text later (never do). After gym last night, went to study. He calls 2x and texts begging me to answer so that he can ask me something. He calls again, I answer- he asks if I'll have a drink w/him tonight- I say I'll let you know. Today it occurs to me I should go. At least to try the dating thing. After all, this is the 'year of the yes'. Who knows, it might be a good thing. So I text him yes. He asks me to pick him up on campus... ummmmmm no.

He says he is working on his LLM and he is a full atty in France. I don't care. I don't know him well enough to take him anywhere. That would just be stupid! What brand of retard do I look like? You are supposed to be the boy here! I know that sounds bratty but hear me out... It has taken a long time and a lot of frogs to figure some stuff out. Here are the big points Madigan has tried to drill into my head.

#1. Whatever current guy can not/will not do there are 10 other guys begging to (even if only at 1st). So he'd better have a really over compensating aspect about him if he is squashing what is most important to you. (i.e. I love him. He gets a lot of other stuff right. He's really sweet. He's a great guy.)

#2. Guy in a bar is just for temporary entertainment purposes. They are amusing. They are fun. We do not look for lasting connections.

#3. You may be a great guy, but I have to see it for myself to want to talk to you. No entertaining some guy because he was the only one showing you attention at that time. No. bad. That is what your friends are for. Using guys for attention always backfires.

#4. No putting up with B.S. up front. He is the boy, dating is supposed to be super great at the beginning (at the very least). If it's bull in the beginning, it's not about to get any better.

Does this sound like an article in Glamour yet (icky!) but for the most part, it's all pretty true. What sucks is that I still had to learn it- why? because apparently I look like the sucker of the universe. and various frogs with a**hole potential can see it a mile away. So we ignore LLM?

On to the crush... I refer to a quote from Disgrace... came across it last night and boy did it hit home. "[a woman] Who thinks, because he comes from the big city, because there is a scandal attached to his name, that he makes love to many women and expects to be made love to by every woman who crosses his path."

The sentiment is similar to one expressed by Francisco in Atlas Shrugged (don't have the book in front of me to quote)... he has a certain reputation which is furthered by him letting other believe he is sleeping with a myriad of women. Who all carry and further the lie because they can not fathom that a man who has the reputation of loving (or using) women would not consider them a conquest.

In other words... to be desired by one who a connoisseur of sorts, makes one that much more desirable. A messed up sense of validation, isn't it. It drives home because of the daydream. Yesterday he comes over to say hi and says he doesn't know how to say "beautiful" in Hindi yet but he will know by the next time he sees me. And later I saw him greet and grin for another very pretty girl. I can't say I was jealous... that's what he does... but it was kind of like... "ok. I need to save myself a hell of a lot of embarrassment and not speak to him anymore."

Of course, darling Ricky and Bat-girl are both like "WHO CARES WHO ELSE HE SPEAKS TOO? NONE OF THE OTHER PRETTY GIRLS ARE YOU!" They swear if he knew I was even slightly interested that he would jump at the chance. Bat-girl says if he can say Beautiful in Hindi that I should take it as a sign that he passed the preliminary round. After all, she says I am witty and challenging (though it has been my experience that men prefer the smile and nod type) and I am not throwing anything at him, he seeks to speak to me. I think Bat-girl is ridiculously biased. :)

In depressing news, I sat outside to read (and thaw!) for a bit this morning. Some yuk-head walks by and says "I always see you with your nose stuck in a book. Why do you read all the time?" To which I say... "Because a woman's greatest asset is still her mind." and it is.

Update: So LLM calls and leaves on my v-mail that he would understand if I didn't want to get a drink- or "know him in the light of day" (the pun is just too great!) and says in French "...ahh well, the man proposes but it is up to the woman to decide." Ok, that makes me want to meet him for that drink. But I think he was shorter than me (though I wore obnoxious heels) and he definitley smoked. yuck... maybe he is too good at spitting B.S. to have that drink. maybe another time. for today it is still no.

This is what I am doing with my last 1/2 hour of my workday.

I was early to work because I knew I'd get smacked today. Good day. I finished all I needed to. So now I could get a jump on tomorrow... or I can blog.

Back to Saturday... up in a tree. My grandmother is here until October the 1st. Which is great because she is incredibly entertaining. I love my mouse- that's what I call her. She loves me. She is soooo wierd. She is not always an easy person to love, but maybe neither am I. She loves me... most of the time- but there was that time that she accused me of stealing her glasses to hurt her feelings... my mom had picked up the wrong case and mouse was still mad because she thought my mom was 'protecting' me. what?! I guess every family has to have a little bit of wierd. and boy do we have lots. The funniest thing about my mouse is that she is very racist. Not like today's slightly politically correct, but not really... I mean like old-school racist. Give her a mic and a crowded room- she can give 2 sentences and offend EVERYBODY- I'm pretty sure that is a marketable talent somewhere.

But I digress. She is like 78 and looks late 50's easily. She's incredibly active to the point that it is annoying. Case in point she asked for help with something (didn't say what) on Sat... much like with mom, I don't ask- I just find very old clothes and I go. Saturday it was up a tree... to cut down most of it with a bow-saw which may have just as well been a butter knife. But I love her, so I do it. Afterwards, I go inside to get water for both of us and my mom is complaining about how much of the tree mouse has cut. I go outside and mouse is glowing about how much more breeze is going to reach the hammock and how happy my mom is going to be when she sees it... and I try not to snort water up my nose.

I had to go to yet another bridal shower and left my cute little grandma sitting in the grass using pair of cutters to make mulch out of the branches and leaves. and I am happy that I am the happy median that both my mom and grandmother have between each other. They love each other but never fail to get on each other's nerves. Which is bad because mom's mouth has no filter... and mouse has started to take it personally... she cries- which is wrong. Old people should not have anything to cry about- especially after the extra-ordinarily difficult life mouse has led. So I buy mom a piece of her favorite cake, take it to her work and tell her to stop being a jerk... but with cake! (See how that is different than normal "Stop being a jerk"?)

Dream killer had people over for the game- He called like 3 to see where I was- I had to bring Shiner... I thought he was over Friday night. It was cool, it was fun. He walked me to my car and hugged me before I left. Liar, traitor, shister! He was not over SH*T. Sunday all the angry words abounded.

and this girl was still 'serene tree frog'. so there. (small ick- less ick and usual)

"This song makes my heart smile"

It is in quotes because someone else wrote it. The song is 'Incredible' by the Shapeshifters. The video (on youtube.com) is terrible. It's skateboarders. I am using this to help Sugar Smax coreograph (put together) something for fall showcase for her 9-13 year olds. I love this song. I see it as a pas de deux in a totally funky sense. Part salsa, part lyrical, mostly modern ballet. it could work. Today it makes me bounce around my office.

Blogging at the speed of light!

I haven't blogged since Thursday! wow. That seems like such a lifetime ago- so much as happened. We'll hit the big points and fill in as much as we have time for.

Friday-I grew some balls
Saturday- Hung out in a tree with my Grandma and that call in the 4th b/t LSU vs. Auburn was CRAP!
Sunday- All the angry words that I knew were coming from Friday finally showed up

right, so off we go.
Mentor is in town (stretched for 2 weeks so she can help with my personal statement which needs to be done a month ago) and when I am with her I remember how much I miss her. We had drinks Friday- I got graduation/birthday money. Dream-Killer showed up.

DK and I were supposed to go Salsa dancing at like 1030. He was early- he got pissy because he said I only said 5 words to him. As Mentor and I were leaving, we found him outside sulking. She pulled me aside to make arraignments for when I would see her next. She left.

DK and I go to the Wine Loft. The loft is not where salsa dancing is. I am not happy. We then go to where salsa is and the cover is like $10. I carry no cash so he goes upstairs to get it from the bar- he comes down and says we are not staying because there is no one fun there and we go back to the loft. I am confused and less happy than before. Then he proceeds to insult Mentor. "She's such a F**king B**ch!" He also enlightens me that the only reason she is my mentor and sees such potential in me is because she is gay and is biding her time to turn me out as well. to which I politely excuse myself to the bathroom... and I meant to go to the bathroom... but I found the door instead. Yep, I left him at the bar and went salsa dancing.

Before you think I'm crazy girl, let me explain. I have a handful of people that I am loyal to a fault to. Mentor is one, DK is another. She does not trash him (though she counsels me to be very very cautious. She remembers that he hit me.) During the course of our 'relationship' he was and is very protective of me. Sometimes that becomes borderline controlling. I don't know why he is but he is extremely insecure about every relationship. He thinks I love everyone else more than him- though there have been time that he has held up my world.

Sitting there with my night slowly going down hill- it occurred to me. I had my keys, my ID, and my debit card in my pocket. The only thing he provided was company- and it wasn't even good company. I have a job that pays me enough. If I want a drink I can buy myself one, if I want 6, I can afford that too. I was taking myself home anyway. and it really brought into focus how much I take from him. no mas. no ma'am.

Had I sat there I would have either had words with him there or drank too much wine and had words with him later. Granted my terrible action only put it off until Sunday. But believe me when I tell you I had the most fun Salsa dancing. Met some guy who was French-Lebanese and spent the rest of the night proposing. Somewhere about 2, he went to find a piece of paper to give me his # (I left cell in the car) and I snuck out and left him too.

Follow-up blogs to follow.

Oh and let me stress how wrong I realize I was, and am not trying to justify my childish response in any way. Except that I don't regret it at all.

Who Knew- Part II

1. Who knew that sometimes Urban Relationship Myths come true?

For instance... did you hear the one about the guy who thinks he's a player... and has a good girl who loves him pretty close to unconditionally and he is still chasing tail? She comes over to cook for him, does his laundry even, and is under the impression that they are in a relationship... he is boinking other people for all he's worth. He moves away- she contemplates following him... she calls and calls him... he tells his favorite Kiran how annoying she is...

and then one day... he realizes she is the best thing that has ever happened to him (the Laundry girl, not the Kiran- though the Kiran rocks pretty righteously). He wants to move back, they are going to live together. and today he starts the rumor that he is going to ask her to marry him. who knew... which brings me to #2

2. Who knew this would make me want to cry... tears of happiness to be sure, but I have seen my Bunkles grow so much. and I'm so proud of him. and I am happy he is ready to be worthy of the Laundry girl. Sadly it gives me hope that other bone heads learn to behave themselves eventually.

3. Who knew that guys believed in the fairy tales almost as much (if not more) than women do. The big difference is we focus on the forever (Now that we are married, he's going to build my dream house and take out the trash on Sundays and help with the dishes...) vs. they focus on the Superbowl known as the wedding (I did it! I'm done! That's all that's expected of me!)

4. In related news, who knew that he would be comtemplating marriage 1st... wow. can't get over that. didn't see it coming. spell it backwards.... wow.

I blame JD

Decided not to blog Joules, the matter of her has been sufficiently handled. To blog it, I am not sure I could do it in such a way that would not present her in a bad light. And people that know her read this. and that would be unconscionable. So on to Disgrace- I am loving it! I totally see why it won the Nobel Prize in literature. 5 chapters in- it is an easy read but so thought provoking. Wow. How funny that is about a professor of communications with a passion for classic poetry- who dreams of his life's work being a full blown opus; though he has no musical training. He feels the need to have certain 'needs' satisfied and I am fascinated at his ways of solving this for himself. Yet, I thought it funny that if I were to guess the bigger secret for him- I would say it was the opus thing and not the disgraceful actions on his part (and how interesting that in each situation the disgrace is his and not any of the hers).

Which brings me to the www.secret.com/share. it is the website for the women's deodorant SECRET and the share goes with the ad campaign centered around women sharing what they consider their deepest secrets. Don't go to the site, it's depressing. Kris sent me a pic of one of the posters from a train station, that one was pretty good. But most of the ones on the site are sheer drivel. A lot of it is the whiny blah blah "I want to be loved" duh, don't we all "he doesn't want me", "I'm not over him"... and this is your BIG secret. This is what will part the waters and dry the seas? That's it? surely we can do better than that! So it makes me wonder what mine would be... I don't know I'm still thinking....

Right, so Hippo-head (or hypocrite if you still don't speak 'Kiran') that I am- on to the Warrior (or daydream if you like). I said I was not going to circuit train at all this week, just cut myself off cold turkey to see if I did like him... Bat-girl talked me into going yesterday... Before I tell you what happened I guess I should give background.

Like I said, he and Bama are friends- at first I didn't think he was that good looking, but obviously his body is perfect, and I think if I follow him around long enough I will look perfect too. His energy and enthusiasm are infectious. He closes with a few yoga poses (very old post) and does teach a yoga class. He is very charismatic. He is one of those guys that can look at you in a class of 100 and make you feel like you are the only one in the room. I totally understand his fan club. The way Bama told me about it a long time ago was that he gets 'it' thrown at him a lot... and he doesn't always say no... Well now, I most certainly am not going to be THAT girl. I don't have to throw my flower anywhere. so there.

Before circuit training, I do the abs from the class before (Navrathri is coming and I need the abs of a goddess). I am a creature of habit and pull my mat in the same place, put my bag in the same place, etc. He comes by to say "Hi, beautiful" and does the little game-show-host smile and goes away. Sometimes during circuit training, he will run with me or whatever, and makes stupid small talk but not really. And here's the kick in the head... We've never had a whole conversation- I think I tried once or twice and he responds... but as he is walking away... what is that? He has whole conversations with other people. but not so much me. why? but the whole time he's grinning like a cheese monkey.... confused. It makes no sense. I know by the end of class I smell bad but not worse than anyone else. Maybe he's just magically busy when I get there? ick.

So yesterday I was a little early because my building lost power and I snuck (sp?) out. I wait for the other class to do abs and he bops over and says "Hey, beautiful" and my cheesy attempt at flirting is "When are you going to say it in Hindi?" he says "Tell me how to" and I say "No, you are supposed to say it to me." He says "I will learn and get back to you." so that's good, right? no it is harmless flirting....

and I feel like I have a huge flashing neon sign above my head! this is so embarrassing. double ick, massive ick, icky icky, all the ick!

I seem to have misplaced my cookies.

New insight to le monde de moi... when I am stressed, flustered, frustrated, or even disconcerted (they may not seem that different but they are) I lose things. Nay, I lose everything important... actually only everything important right then. Credit card/ debit card/ license etc. The list as it stands for this morning...

1. My glasses. I have contacts, I usually wear my contacts all the time. The glasses make me look smart. I wanted to wear them yesterday so over the weekend I put them in the special "This is where my glasses will be so they are not lost" spot. Ask me where that spot is? no clue. So wherever they are, I meant for them to be there and they are not lost.

2. My books. I am currently reading 2. Disgrace (that is the pic) more on the book later (hint: there is a tie in with www.secret.com/share) and Assata. As in Assata Shakur the black revolutionary (she calls herself this- so then do I). Chi-squared bought it for me, the least I could do was read it, it's pretty good though not having the earth-shaking effect he thought it would. As I prepare to leave the house this morning- I have gym bag, purse, books, and coffee in tow. I get to my parking lot and grab purse and coffee... and look for books...

I have a sinking feeling I left them on the hood of my car. God knows where they are.

3. Cell phone. Cell phone is not 'lost' today. Though I have been through a good many of these. It is very comfortable on the night stand next to my bed. nice. So I am cut off from most of the outside world besides e-mail because I don't remember #s. friggin nice.

Right so that is the list as of 8:30 this morning. Yesterday's list was great too. Yesterday was not great. I flaked on grown-up drinks and re-scheduled for this coming Tuesday. Why? because the point of the net-working is to impress people enough to find someone who is willing to take a chance on me. By the time I left here yesterday I felt anything but impressive.

I even chose not to make the 8 p.m. performance of Pilobolus. They are a dance company on-tour, I've seen them twice before in different cities, they are amazing! Last night was the only night they were here and I curled up on the couch with my books. and truthfully I felt better for it.

Daydream is Circuit training guy which is most inconveinent. Why? Bama is the Aquatics Director at the gym. They are friends. Bama is the one who bullied me into circuit training. The worst part is that it is possible that the only reason I am crushing is because I want circuit guy to be interested in me. He has a whole fan club that follows his every move. More on the exchange or lack there of to follow.

So post for later today is 1. Joules 2. Disgrace and 3. the Warrior. and time (and attention spans) permits... Happy Birthday to my Happy Drunk Ken Doll.

Update: I just remembered what I was using as bookmarks in my books. One was the invitation to apply to George Washington University and the waiver for the application fee and the other was a note written on a napkin from the Dream-Killer. He's having people over for the Auburn game this weekend and passed me a note at a coffee shop that I have to come because he bought Italian ices just for me (because I can eat them even when my tummy is upset). I kept the note to save for a rainy day. Again- I feel like a big dumb dummy head.

Beasts of Burden

I believe in the power of a "feel better lunch". And I was fortunate enough to have one with Bond today. He checked in this morning and was met with a tiny voice on the other end of the phone (mine) stating the obvious... Something has got to happen soon. I am doing everything I am supposed to and busting my butt- it's just got to. Darling Ricky just found another position- definitely a step up for him- not lateral but really UP! I am elated. Not just for him, but because it was with something I helped him with... so that must mean said talent is about to work for me?! Something has just got to open up! C'mon oyster-world.

Tomorrow evening I am having grown up drinks with the woman at my site that I want to be. She thinks I'm great. She thinks I've outgrown my dept- I agree. We are having drinks with her women's circle of the most influential women she can pull together- She says we are going to find me another job. I feel very much like a geisha. Yet, as I am on a wing and a prayer- who am I to complain?

Back to lunch. Once upon a time a sit down lunch was the ultimate reward. I had school until 2 and came straight to work, lunch was usually a PB&J on the way. The only way I got to eat real lunch was to skip a class (which I felt guilty for) or when I got out early... and then on one such day...I got lunch to go from my favorite restaurant and went to the 'park' to eat. On the way I passed a woman who works in my building- she was smoking outside. She turned and smiled weakly and went back to her cigarette. The whole exchange lasted less than 3 seconds but something in her eyes stuck with me. I walked all the way to the park before I realized what it was. I don't know this woman personally, but I know tons of people like her. She does the job she has done for 20 some odd years and whatever it is involves pushing paper. I make more than she does (and though it is $100,000 that isn't in U.S. dollars) and that made me sad. She watches the clock to see when people go to lunch, or take a break, come in or leave late. and she tattles. Ready for what it was that I was in her eyes? You know what it is... It is the picture.

It was the dull, lifeless gaze of a beast of burden. It was the embodiment of what it is to be beaten down. I have to say it knocked the wind out of me and took my appetite with it. It made me so ashamed of myself for all of the days that I was whiny about wanting hot lunch instead of fast food or a sandwich. As Bond has to keep telling me, you are given more because you can take it. Anytime you are ready to quit, understand you will pay the price for failure for the rest of your life. Somehow I just couldn't be her.

Back to lunch with Bond... He says "tell me about the job search and do it with a smile". I do. and he says "good". I tell him about Joules (story to follow this morning) and he says "was your ultimate goal to keep her?" and I say yes and he says "then you did the right thing". But I am still paying for it... He points out the minute I leave so to will she. I can only carry her for so long. For today we sing Puff the Magic Dragon and fight the good fight.

For whatever it's worth.

...I hate it when people do this...

and yet I am about to do the exact same thing. I remember I stopped writing because I didn't think I was any good. A lot of that has to do with how much terrible crap of other people's I've read. The kick in the head there was that people would bring me their stuff for me to read and critique... and I was 2 beats away from making them sign waivers not to get upset at my suggestions or promise not to cry. I'm saying that I am an expert at anything... which led me to look more critically at my stuff. Each person would come to me with eyes full and heart open just knowing that I was about to say what a natural talent they were... and I never had to words to say they weren't. I don't think it is fair for us to take anyone's dreams.

Anyway, JD- once I was where you are in a manner of speaking. Bad as my writing is- It helped. and sometimes looking back at it reminds of where I've been and what made it better. The following I found just to blog for you- it's called "Drew-bee". My Drew-Bee said something to try to make me feel better and this was the thought process that came from it. If you need it, I'll blog the what it was supposed to mean later. In the mean time- maybe you will find something you need.

Drew-Bee
"...things don't happen TO you, they just happen."

it almost sounds serendipitous,
and even I like the way that sounds

the playful words that play with fate,
as if one could play with it

write it like a song
a song for a lyre
and play a line on a line
like it wasn't a line written
forever ago

etched in wrinkles of time
left like a treasure map
in the hands of one
but written on another
and left for the eyes of even fewer

sing the songs of the ancients, love
and make me believe we are the only ones
whimsical, musical, fanciful
woodland nymphs
with woodworked music
and fluted throught the forest of all of my time
between us, that must be what there is...

the ancients we pass,
that heal our past
with a stream to wash it smooth
like sacred jal, given to the earth
where we learn to lay the rest of it down

and dream of days... when all that shouldn't happen,
doesn't.

who knew?

Welcome to our 1st installment of "Who knew?"...

1. Who knew that the Jeff that commented on JD's blog was really a super hero? "super hero?" you ask... well yes... how else does one explain his gross appearance as both CAPTAIN OBVIOUS and TECHNICALLY-ADROIT ENGINEERING- GUY- LOOKING- AT- A-NON-PRACTICAL PROBLEM.
(don't get upset if you read that Jeff- it's a joke... or maybe not, but mostly so :)
which brings me to ...

2. Who knew I was that biased towards JD? ummm... everybody!

3. Mr. Chang apparently did have issues with me.... I burped. It was incredibly un-feminine. I had to call people and tell them, it was quite funny. and yet Bat-Girl is sure that is not the end of the pseudo-crush... especially since my tummy still feels funny. and the object is bit of a man-whore... to which I can not be too judgmental about as I have been called a.... #4

4. Who knew there was such a thing as an "Intellectual Whore"? and wow... and I was told I am one by the guy working on his masters in philosophy, so it was much of the pot on the phone trying to reach the kettle. Such a being (the IW) seeks out stimulating conversation... the downside to that is that in most of academia the better minds come with lesser bodies. So they entertain what they consider better bodies with lesser minds as someone regarding them as the sun... when they are no longer seen as the sun... they get angy.

Apparenty Mr. Philosophy once upon a time felt slighted- we had lunch to patch him up one day and out comes #5....

5. "You were the girl I thought I would marry"... who knew you could hear that after hanging out with someone for less than 2 months? I knew him in high school, I saw him later in life, I thought we were cool.... I was wrong and I freely admit that.

I think that's all I have for now.

Cheers.

Warning... Too much Billable Time may result in obnoxious gi-normous crushes

This afternoon is great. one might say.....gggggggrrrrrreeeaaaatttt!

Oh and happiness is unexpected P.F. Changs. Especially when one of us (me or maybe you) was dangerously close to not having lunch at all. I have so much work, and didn't want to go pick something off. And Chi-squared shows up and says "hurry and come get your lunch, the lettuce is going to wilt!" yep, lettuce wraps because I am afraid that everything from there is really bad for me (i read it in a women's magazine- so it must be true...but that is a different post).

I digress, so I actually stopped to eat with Bianca (like the mouse from the rescuers) and Bianca's sidekick. Sometimes it is good to step away and sit with people who have warm hearts. Just talking with them is like a warm cup of cocoa. And I came back with a completely different outlook. better.

and as I sit here and listen to my radio blog (fyi you can set up your own juke blog if you didn't know) my thoughts drift... and I feel my cheeks get hot, and my tummy feels funny... and I wonder if Mr. Chang is about to have an argument with me... no it is the certain someone I am thinking of. and I say wow... I have a full blown crush... I haven't done that in I don't know how long. That or I am really having issues with lunch. I'll let you know tomorrow.

Dream-Killer in a nutshell...

I shall try to explain him without being negative because truly he is more good than bad, but depending on whether he is currently upset with me- sometimes I forget that. For all intents and purposes ;) he is my 2nd best friend, 2nd only to the Magical Jenny-Bear. He knows this and would have it no other way. Further with intent and purpose ( ;) squared) he is the ex-boyfriend of almost 2 years ago. He has been one of the greatest lessons in being able to appreciate people for all the wonderful they have inside of them, even if it is not for you. I do love him but am not in-love with him. He does love me, but is not in-love with me. We've were friends for years and thought a relationship made sense- I say it was 4 months, he remembers the dating as a couple of years but whatever. The relationship part was not good. It was not all bad, but there was one defining moment/action on his part that makes him never an option ever again. I have forgiven him to be sure. I have learned how not to hold it against him, but as a women it is important to run from that kind of potential. Maybe he doesn't have it with anyone else, but he damn sure had it with me.

and yet- the other day I stopped by after circuit training and am sitting on the living room floor venting about something or other- I was good and angry too. He walks into the other room as a "Garnier" commercial comes on and my rant becomes about how the commercial is lying, because it does not make your hair look like that because I tried it... and he sticks his head in to look and says "Why are you fussing for no reason, your hair always looks like that" and goes away. and i sit in stunned silence. He comes back with a cold bottle of water and says I need to stay for dinner because he put a chicken breast on the stove next to his steak and I need protein." and I wanted to cry, because he got one right.

As my friend. he is wonderful. All of the things that made me want to choke him until his peanut sized head popped off, are non-issues. Arguments never last as long or get as bad. and he is still the safety for those times when you just don't want to show up alone.

He has seen me through the hardest situation I have ever been faced with, barnone. He handled it with better grace than I had and helped drag me through my everyday to find a bit of normalcy when I was afraid of my own shadow. and he has changed over 30 flat tires. In the heat, in the rain, on the side of the road, sometimes 3 at a time. He comes from a humble greatness (I think so highly of his family) and has so much potential. Animals and children love him. He is in law school for the 2nd time, this time it has to work. He is always well-dressed and stylish. He was an athlete in college and doesn't have to work out to still look like it. From him I have also learned the hard way- What you see is not always what you get.

To listen to him for 5 minutes, you would think that this was a man that went home to a house where the gates just opened automatically. He is more blessed than most and has yet to establish himself as worthy of such blessings. But his family is so supportive that it doesn't matter what he does or doesn't do. They will love him unconditionally and would carry him as long as he needs to be carried. I've never seen anything like it.

He is the dream killer because I say- "I looked at a position in Chicago" he says "Why do you want to move to Chicago, it's cold, you don't know anyone there, it's expensive- you won't make enough money to have real fun...etc." I say Tulane is my dream school and I am taking the LSAT one more time and still putting in that app just to see, because it's my dream and I owe it to myself to swing for the fences... he says "How will you pay for it? Where will you live? How will you pay the loans off? Your wasting money on the application process...etc"

and to be fair... his points are valid... and I've always felt that if I could deflect all of the questions he threw at me over a given situation then my idea could hold water. but now his words don't mean so much because I've had so many. and at some point you have to hear something positive about yourself... I can't get every single thing wrong all the time... right?

85.6% random...100% goofy

1. They are doing construction downtown- not around the building where I work but I pass them on my trek from the parking lot. I can see them from here. They wear diffent colored hard hats- not just yellow but bright blue (almost neon) light green and I swear I saw a pink one (or maybe I wanted to see a pink one since I have a pink one). They amuse me. from up here they remind me of the SIMS with the little jewels above their heads... it makes me wonder... If my life were like a great big SIM game... what would it be called? "the SIMS stuck in purgatory"? "Mythical SIMS" (i.e. lots of fairyness). hmmm... dunno.

2. Had words with mommiey on Sunday. That never happens, so you know it was something ridiculously stupid. one of those principle things... wanna how it ended? I locked me keys in my car last night like a big dumb dummy head. I had to call her at work to see if she had my spare on her. She did not. I looked very grown up getting the dream-killer to take me to the hopital so I could steal her truck, go to her house- get my key- go back to the hospital and drive her out to my car so I could get in it... and she could go back to work. I know it was an inconveinence to her (and the dream-killer) and I felt so bad, especially since she was still mad at me. But she says "you're human- you made a mistake. it happens"... and suddenly it's all better.

3. Back to the dream killer- he was mad, I woke him up. Especially since I locked my keys in my car 3 weeks ago. But that time I didn't even need his help. So he fusses the whole way to the hospital and I say I'm sorry I didn't do it on purpose. He says why didn't I check that I had my keys- I say I was running late, plus on the way to the Habitat meeting I had to stop to get something to eat because I didn't eat lunch... and then he REALLY got mad. "Why are you worried about being late for something that is for CHARITY?! They do not pay you, in case you didn't notice..." My snappy comeback? "Fine, I did do it on purpose it is an elaborate game to validate to myself who loves me and who doesn't"... His snappy comeback? "Whatever, you still have a lumpy head."

Further why he is the dream-killer? because he is the voice of reason/devil's advocate.

after somebody's wedding (this IS the year of the weddings) I remember sitting on his porch with a cup of something. The weddings sort of get to a single girl after a while. You try not to let it, and yes I am happy for everyone in the world, but sometimes it's a bit easy to say "why not me? I know that girl and she's nuttier than a fruitcake... but she has forever and ever... and I had cake"... to which the ever sensitive dream-killer says... "So, basically you are sad because you do not have a husband that you do not want?" exactly. because I do want one but not just ANYone.

So in the meantime I have the dream-killer who does not ever cut his words with me (which I am grateful for even if it never says what I want it to) but would do anything in his power to make sure that I never felt I had to do something stupid to get attention from some guy. and that's a good thing, even if he is the dream-killer.

The Fearless Hunter

As per my last blog- here is the story of my mom. She calls as I am driving to work with ... "Do people here eat raccoons?" To which I say "some do"... It's mom... This could really literally be going anywhere. She asks if I want her to try to cook one... This I do not want. Let me explain my mom... She is the "bitty bitty moms" she is 5'3" and about a 103 lbs. very vegetarian Indian mom. But she is willing to try to learn how to make anything and over the years has done her darndest to assimilate with holidays like Halloween and Thanksgiving. She really is adorable... especially when she has no clue what she's doing.....

So I ask her where she is getting a raccoon to cook... this is south LA, this is a very important question. She says she doesn't have it yet but she's about to find him and hit him with a shovel. Between my Coke, mom, and laughing so hard I couldn't breath... I had to pull over.

Further probing led me to turning around and going to mom's. Apparently the dogs next door found an animal and were giving it a hard time. It took refuge by using the whole in the fence she uses to slip them biscuits to hide in mom's garden. My cocker spaniel and the lab mix were apparently against this and started to give it hell. We put the dogs on leashes and opened the gate to try to let the animal out into a field near her house. It was an armadillo and his behind had been beaten up, it was a bit bloody but his little legs were fine. They more look like flesh wounds if it possible for armadillos to have flesh wounds.

Armadillos are a lot like raccoons... except not at all.

So mom asks if wanted her to try to make something with armadillo in it... after all she had pulled out the shovel and she still might be able to catch it. Tantalizing as that may have been I kissed her on the forehead and found the interstate back to work.

My Life As a Sit-com

Wow. So much great stuff, I don't know how I'm going to fit it all in. Lets back up to 4 o'clock Wednesday afternoon when my boss whom I like very much- dumps a "project" of pulling together a "creative" presentation encompassing a major "issue" between the 2 groups she manages... for a 10 o'clock departmental meeting on Thursday. Evil Death Stares (EDS- learn it, live it, love it) abounded.

Neither group was much help, I mostly freaked about all of the bad implications it carried as a by-product... you never want to tell someone what your issues with them are in a very public forum. Said person conveniently fails to see all the people you represent and focus on it was you that said it. That said, it went surprisingly well. It magically came together- largely because it was pulled out of my bum and was well received.

On to HK... the background you get on HK is that one day I got off of the elevators and accidently overheard a piece of a "discussion" with her new husband in which she poignantly told him that she married him because she loved him and not because she ever thought he could buy her a....... wait for it...... trust me you want to sit down..... it's coming and I need you to be ready.... "MANSION TRAILER". The 1st thought that went through my mind was "God does not like ugly, god does not like ugly, god does not like ugly..." and when I realized I had yet to burst into flames as proof of his wrath... I though "that is pretty great... what is a mansion trailer, where does one buy one of these, how much are they, can you still drive a mansion trailer around?" I have to say that Mansion Trailer has gotten me through some rough spots in my day.

So HK is going elsewhere and the girlies take her out for margaritas as is fitting... Hey, remember that time that we went out and HK thought it was a good ideas to invite the Office Depot guys that deliver our office supplies... right that was last night. That and Joules. Joules who is the lesson in making the most of everyday. She has rocked out her entire life and doesn't plan on stopping... or retiring... or spending time with the husband that has stage 4 cancer though he loves her like men do in fairy tales. At 70-something he still leaves her love notes... but I digress.

So we are the place for Margaritas and with much chagrin I have to say that my entourage were the screaming set at the end of the bar. and Joules is doing the jitterbug with the office depot guy. It is wrong on so many levels... the dancing, the amount of people, the caliber of people... but most of all the desperation that oozed from some of the girls we were with... and some of the men clamoring to talk to them, and all of the ways that people are looking for a meaningful connection in a bar. wow. so I want to leave but it is the outing that is all about HK, and the dream-killer did put down the books to come out for a second. So we stay and overall it was interesting... but makes me think that instead of circuit training in a class of 100, I shall enjoy the 4.2 mile run of the lakes. the solitude looks good to me, especially staring down the barrell of a concert by the "Chee Weez" at 10. ick.

Later I shall blog the call from mommiey... "Do people here eat racoons?"