I believe in the power of a "feel better lunch". And I was fortunate enough to have one with Bond today. He checked in this morning and was met with a tiny voice on the other end of the phone (mine) stating the obvious... Something has got to happen soon. I am doing everything I am supposed to and busting my butt- it's just got to. Darling Ricky just found another position- definitely a step up for him- not lateral but really UP! I am elated. Not just for him, but because it was with something I helped him with... so that must mean said talent is about to work for me?! Something has just got to open up! C'mon oyster-world.
Tomorrow evening I am having grown up drinks with the woman at my site that I want to be. She thinks I'm great. She thinks I've outgrown my dept- I agree. We are having drinks with her women's circle of the most influential women she can pull together- She says we are going to find me another job. I feel very much like a geisha. Yet, as I am on a wing and a prayer- who am I to complain?
Back to lunch. Once upon a time a sit down lunch was the ultimate reward. I had school until 2 and came straight to work, lunch was usually a PB&J on the way. The only way I got to eat real lunch was to skip a class (which I felt guilty for) or when I got out early... and then on one such day...I got lunch to go from my favorite restaurant and went to the 'park' to eat. On the way I passed a woman who works in my building- she was smoking outside. She turned and smiled weakly and went back to her cigarette. The whole exchange lasted less than 3 seconds but something in her eyes stuck with me. I walked all the way to the park before I realized what it was. I don't know this woman personally, but I know tons of people like her. She does the job she has done for 20 some odd years and whatever it is involves pushing paper. I make more than she does (and though it is $100,000 that isn't in U.S. dollars) and that made me sad. She watches the clock to see when people go to lunch, or take a break, come in or leave late. and she tattles. Ready for what it was that I was in her eyes? You know what it is... It is the picture.
It was the dull, lifeless gaze of a beast of burden. It was the embodiment of what it is to be beaten down. I have to say it knocked the wind out of me and took my appetite with it. It made me so ashamed of myself for all of the days that I was whiny about wanting hot lunch instead of fast food or a sandwich. As Bond has to keep telling me, you are given more because you can take it. Anytime you are ready to quit, understand you will pay the price for failure for the rest of your life. Somehow I just couldn't be her.
Back to lunch with Bond... He says "tell me about the job search and do it with a smile". I do. and he says "good". I tell him about Joules (story to follow this morning) and he says "was your ultimate goal to keep her?" and I say yes and he says "then you did the right thing". But I am still paying for it... He points out the minute I leave so to will she. I can only carry her for so long. For today we sing Puff the Magic Dragon and fight the good fight.
For whatever it's worth.
2 comments:
Apparently the "Escape" key deletes your entire comment, which I unfortunately just learned as I went to adjust my keyboard after 5 minutes of typing.
The Readers Digest version of my comment is that you've touched on a couple major issues of mine. First, I fear that hard work often goes unrewarded. For instance, if I start putting myself out there for a different job, I worry that nothing will come. For you, on the other hand, I see things going 'A-OK'
The other, bigger thing, is that I never wanted to be a "beast of burden" (great Rolling Stones song, btw). We all are destined to be at some time, but I'm so scared that I'll be that lady on that park bench, wondering where the last 20 years have gone. In five years, will I be in this office, pushing paper to make people's lives miserable at the behest of other's whose lives are equally miserable?
Let's you and I make a pact to keep plugging away, since we're bound to move onward and upward.
There are worse things than being treated like a geisha, no?
Pact accepted. and in this respect being the geisha is still the desired position to be in. It makes a big difference that potential help is being spear-headed by a woman than a man. Again though, and not to sound whiney, it's frustrating to see people move up who don't put in the effort I do. If we are going after the same thing and you get it and I don't, I would truly want it to be because you just out and out stomped me- not because you have 3 kids no education and will stay here for ever and ever. What is that? honestly, who does that! major ick.
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