see the mini heart? it is for Bama

Bama got a job for Will.I.Am working at another pool. Yay to the king of the life guards.

He finds me on an elliptical machine in the far far away cardio room (I told you he shows up wherever I go at the gym... unless I want to see him). He pulls out my ear plugs to tell me not to worry about the Will... that he has a job and he will be fine, though he may not work out with me for a little while.

I later am enlightened by someone else that Bama pulled said string and did so the day that Will got fired, because the circumstances dictate that Will cannot get his job back. I still miss the Will. and mini heart for the wonderful deed from Bama.

Also Shy has officially apologized and no longer has beef with my lifeguard. He was cooler w/Will than I was. but when I stopped talking to Shy Will spent more time w/me and walked me to my car in the evenings because where I park is far. So we are ok for now. even he acknowledges that it kind of needed to happen.

In other news, this girl needs to learn how to network and talk to people... so DK is bringing me along to campaign for the politician in his parents neighborhood. Oh THIS should be fun. and by fun I mean completely scary. DK promises food and liquor AFTER. nice. So we wear big girl slacks and suck it up. We need to learn to be superficial and convincing one way or another.

The Dream Killer is going to hell.

See the pic? notice where Al's hand is... seems appropriate for the confines of your living room... Not so much for your friendly commercial book seller.

Yesterday the Dream Killer and I had terrible lunch at what promised to be a "New Orleans style restaurant" and barely escaped with our arteries unclogged. It was wretched. I had homework to do and we both needed to soothe our tummies with tea. Enter Barnes and Nobles. We get tea and snuggle down on the big squishy chairs.

All of a sudden DK grabs my hand and whispers "look, look, look! This is freakin great!" I look and I am trying not to laugh. A woman is asleep in a chair with her head thrown back, mouth open and her hand tucked in her pants. I smack DK for being obvious. He takes a picture with his camera phone. I write on his hand that God does not like ugly, so stop being ugly... he doesn't hear me... he is too busy texting it to everyone in his phone. For the sake of propriety I am not posting the actual pic.

I have terrible taste in music.

I say this as I listen to Blue Skies (FAC 15). kind of house music circa 2-3 years ago.

and I knew everything they play at Tsunami... which is awful by itself. why? as K-dawg (JB's husband) puts it... "of course K has been here 3 times in one week, this is the hottest place to be seen in the city. this is the trendy hot spot". Ok. I am not trendy and my city is feeling smaller and smaller.

Yesterday was JB's birthday... you are wondering how I knew this as I do not remember the birthday things. I remember because she called and told me. suckers. that is how this works... if you want me to know, you have to tell me.

She wanted to do the Wine Loft and it's her B-day so I let her have it. K-dawg was Dj-ing so he did not join us. We did brunch at her parents' house in the morning... I had a full LSAT and then drinks and little food starting about 830-ish. She is my best friend. I put that out there and I love her to pieces. But she is becoming a person I do not recognize. I do not want to judge her or leave her to her own devices but she is starting to show Madigan tendencies.

Why do I say so?

I picked her up. She wore black pants and a see through top with halter style you don't try to get away with unless your breasts are perfect. and hers were once upon a time. Before the baby, the baby weight, and breast feeding. It was terribly Anna Nicole-esque. The outfit was further trash as it came from one of those cheap stores in the mall that high school girls shop at... you wash it once and it falls apart. I tried to suggest a different approach but no dice.

In her early 20's she would never have worn that.. and then she had the body to do it. With age our idea of what is sexy changes. Not to say I didn't have terrible club-y clothes, I did. I don't know because I am not so comfortable w/wearing next to nothing in public. As my Happy Drunk Ken Doll puts it "you are 20-something. you don't have to show your boobs to look hot".

So we get to the loft and it is interesting. She makes mention that we could probably get some guy to pick up our tab as it is her b-day. No. I don't pimp myself out and I'm not going to be pimped either. Yes we've had tabs picked up by guys we don't know... but I (there by we...) never go to a bar with the mission of getting some guy to buy me a drink. I have a damn job, and my self respect is a bit more expensive than a cosmo with goose. it is fucking priceless and I was under the impression that so was hers.

She is making equal flirtatious pitches for bartender, Ryan the bar manager and his new protege. It is not good. I don't think I am going to the loft for a good while (this was he 2nd time this week I've been). I am embarrassed at the low esteem her behavior shows. She is married. She dated K-Dawg for 7 years before they got married (it's been 3 years) and she was sure for at least those last 3 years that she was ready beyond a shadow of a doubt. I'm sure the baby changed things...

But k-dawg loves her. is the best for to and with her. Goes to a job he hates so she doesn't have to work. and she spends more and more of her time trying to get male confirmation that she is a MILF. he started the Dj-ing business to make extra money after working 18 hour days. and I want to slap the bloody hell out of my friend.

At least bartender "g" is showing some sense. He is dating waitress there and stays away. He sends us shots but does not stay for more than 30 seconds at a time. Jen is long lashes and cleavage out. and I divert my eyes like everyone else.

and she has a daughter. How do I tell my sunshine that even though Paris and Brittney do it, it doesn't work in the real world and the consequences to a young girl exploiting her sexuality are that is you don't develop your other assets you turn yourself into an object.. and it's not as cute at 40. and you can't get angry and bitter at lesser men for taking advantage of a situation you exacerbate.

Dk's assessment... "why is JB acting like white trash?" why indeed.

Let them eat Cake.

...said Marie Antoinette. Very profoundly I say.

Last night ended up at the top of Tsunami (for the 3rd time this week). As I park in my new hiding spot and take the trek...guess who nearly runs me over? JB and her husband. Amid a ton of people in the streets downtown (for an outdoor concert) this is who I run in to. My life is a sitcom.

OH and to further the events from the last post... on Thursday JB shows up at my house w/my precious precious sunshine (my god-daughter) to take me to lunch... because there is no way I could stay upset with her if the child was involved...maybe. and DK says that is evidence she did something to be ashamed of. ick.

Further the sitcom... I was to have dinner w/Tourettes. JB and husband promise to join us on the roof. I get upstairs and run into Heineken. Years ago when I waited tables and bar tended.. there was a Latino waiter who swore he was God's gift to women. His parents were ambassadors from Panama or some sh*t. He was in love with himself. He was in my major. He very seriously sits down at my bar and asks "What's in a Heineken?"

So that is what I still call him.

So he is an investment banker for where I work. I see him intermittently. I saw him last night. He was throwing a B-day party for his wife. She is skinnier than Tourettes. I didn't think it was possible. It doesn't look healthy... but I digress... so he invites my friends and I to join the party. Tourettes had a few, I had some, and other people met us later. It was soo fun.

Except that it was a birthday party with no cake (is that even possible?). The birthday girl does not eat food. Her festive thing was sparklers stuck in the cork of a bottle of champagne. Not that I am complaining, the party was catered (and we were there for dinner) and there was a whole mini bar set up. nice. and little bottles of Goose compliments of Heineken. Yay Heineken.

But the party on the other side of the roof had cake. Real cake. with chocolate covered strawberries. real chocolate and real strawberries. my friends are laughing at me because you could actually see me following the cake w/my eyes. I made some new friends at the other party and I had 2 pieces of cake. and pretended not to know my friends lest they ask me to share my ill gotten cake. and if it is the cake that makes me have to buy size 8 pants... then that is just fine with me. The cake was so good.

and in other news... Bunkles called me Grace.. from Will and Grace. Shy called me that too... I'm going to have to look into this further. Not liking it. not at all.

Also. Full Lsat today gave 162. But I saw myself rushing unnecessarily through it. So back to the tweaking.

P.s. the pic is the actual cake. it's a WEDDING CAKE. no wonder it was so good.

"Those that lack a backbone usually have the hardest outer shells"

The quote is a paraphrase of Gibran. I like it.
We either have inner strength akin to substance or outer walls to mask the lack of substance. I like it muy much.

Surely there are more than 2 attractive males in my city. Attractive in this sense being the male equivalent to Pretty Plus.

You remember this... pretty not just for pretty's sake, but brains, common sense, employed, non-crazy... that kind of stuff.

I ask because JB and I had a glass of wine at Tsunami last night... she loves being a stay at home mom but sometimes she wants to have adult conversations. I've told you that she is married to the most wonderful husband she could have hoped for. He adores her. She couldn't have anyone else. and she remembers this on most days. Notice I said most. Jury is still out on if yesterday was one of them.

So we leave Tsunami for our favorite bar. Yeah Wine Loft. On the way we see the illustrious Overachiever and the Politician leaving a different bar. We all talk for a bit and the Overachiever goes a different way... the Politician escorted us to the Loft (don't sigh, it's not that sweet... he lives in the lofts right above it). He bids us goodnight... and Jenny-Bear says she is 2 beats away from dragging the Overachiever into an alley and raping him. How charming.

We get a table and a bottle of the Pinot I'm still loving... and after a while I am done. I have water, I am sleepy... I want to go home to muscle relaxers. The bar manager we know says "If would ever call me before you come I would make sure we had a table for you... but you never call me" ... I demure that I will be better about that so they aren't always moving someone over to make us more comfortable... then comes the kick in the head...

JB says "I called earlier to see if "G" was bar tending and the receptionist didn't know. What is the point of calling the bar if she can't book a table or tell me who is working?"

Bar guy says I have his personal cell...which I do... but I look at her and say "You called to see if the bartender was working? We didn't know if we were coming here... I heart "G" too... but the other bartenders take care of us well" She deflects and I am still ready to go home.

Then she asks if I am ok to walk to my car (3 blocks away) by myself because she is going to get a Red Bull and stay at the bar. I am astounded. I am not going to make a scene in public, she knows this. I let it go and tell her I am fine. I called Lemon who was gallant about staying on the phone w/me until I got to my car.

Today DK says I was the guise. She wanted to get out of the house, but more importantly she wanted to see the bartender (and in some respect me as well). He says I am the perfect out because every husband knows I am the safest person your wife could have as a friend... and every wife who wants to cheat knows that after 1 glass of wine and no water I can't feel my nose.. and consistent drinking and I'm done by 1130... it is rare I make it until 2 am.

I am not a 2 hitter quitter! (except for the times that I am)

and he says she has the out of telling her husband I left early and she finished her drink... until 2. He further says he used to be a world class cheater and is well acquainted with the way the game is played. What is wrong with these women? really. what?

The rest of us are waiting and hoping for one true thing, and those that have it don't even know what they have.

Today I met a woman in physical therapy because a Disney character on stilts pushed her down.

I'm not kidding. I tried not to laugh and to fake genuine concern. "Was she badly hurt?" (no she is just suing everything Disney) But that is a good segue to this weeks task... Make more of an effort to be concerned about other people. Why? It's only fair. I can give you too many examples of the people who seek me out of my cave when I am sad or hurt or upset or less Kiran than I should be...

it was brought to my attention that I am spoiled by Billy the cop. I see him occasionally. He's older and wiser and some kind of cop. We know each other superficially... he's always at the Capital (state cap building downtown) so he knows Bunny too. She and I are talking, he walks up and we exchange pleasantries... I thought.

then he screams "I'M FINE! THANKS FOR ASKING!" and I think he is a weirdo and want to run away. Bunny starts laughing... I missed the joke. I give him a blank look and he says "You didn't ask it back. I said 'how are you' you said 'very well thank you' and kept talking about whatever". Oh. my bad.

Followed up with Will.I.Am no longer works at my gym (I am sad beyond words over this). We crossed ships Monday and I said "you are going the wrong way...gym is this way" and he hugs me and says "I'm sorry beautiful, I don't work here anymore." I offered him my Gatorade but let him be because he didn't want to talk. He promises to work out w/us when he's not mad.

Fast forward to Avi is going to try a different spin class w/me and Bama plops in front of me as I stretch on mats. He starts out polite and I pull the sad face and this is how it goes

me: "What happened to my friend?"

Bama: "You know summer is busy for me, I'll be back working out w/you in about 2 months"

me:"not you. why doesn't Will.I.Am work here anymore"
Bama: "I wasn't aware he wasn't. Let me go check... are you sure you didn't want to hear about me?"

He got a sympathy hug. not weird... didn't feel the need to duck (technically there was no way I could duck) So he finds out and comes back to say he will have to tell me about it away from the gym. I don't like it but I respect it. and then he suggests that he won't tell me on the phone so I should go somewhere with him. No. not doing that again. that just turns out bad for me. I will find someone else to tell me. Or get Will's # from someone else and call him my damn self. How rude.

and then my class started...so Bama got cut short and went away. So 2x it was brought to my attention that I need to pay attention to other people (not Bama he was just an example). Rounded out w/ I haven't seen Bunny in like 2 weeks... that is the longest we have ever gone w/out seeing each other. I call and she tells me she had a small surgery on Monday but on meds and doing fine. I threatened to snatch her through the phone for not telling me. She says "but you are hurt, and busy, and I didn't want to bother you". Ummm... ok, now I feel bad because I have no good reason to neglect my friends and I should have made more of an effort to get in touch and not just phone tag. ick.

we had dinner and drinks w some people last night. Dk drank too much so I drove him home. He asked me to move in w/him and here's hoping that was just the Crown talking.

chasing the American Dream

Church tonight was interesting. It was the "youth ministry"... so a bunch of college/late high schoolers. It was good though. One thing that Christianity has that my mandir lacks is a sense of real fellowship. The idea that all of these people are there to lift you up. Not just root for you when you are doing well... but pull you back to God when you don't know yourself.

and I sit and I type and I spoke to DK today about being approached by females I barely know wanting me to introduce them to the Overachiever. I understand how he is prime property... undergrad from Howard, MBA from Harvard, and a law degree from Georgetown. Impressive breeding, political manners and what the Dream Killer imagines that he is.

Further, the actual Politician. Also academically impressive. Aggressive campaign for State Senate. Family has uber successful law practice. Both brothers and father, now him. partner in awesome firm. He is young... early 30s. I forget where the degrees are from...with an LLM in tax law. Athletic scholarships in soccer and something. He is promiscuous because he can be.

and then Bianca's sidekick and her reprehensible actions with the judge and his flunkies.

and how funny it is all at the same time. It is the way that the women in my city are chasing the American Dream. Marry well... so the most successful males are having many flowers thrown at them. Like this is the only way it could happen. Like the way you marry well is to trick people or lord the power of the p***y.

Last night I had dinner w/Bianca and we bounced around looking for something to do. She also knows Bunny. We discuss how she does. She says "I heard she's crazy" I say "of course not, don't you dare say so. why do you say so?" She heard it from another mutual. and the reason? Because Bunny has a PhD in pharmacology and she does what she does for a living...and makes much less than she should. I counter with "but it is an honest living and she didn't pass her boards... you know what it is like to momentarily fail and get down on yourself... some people don't come back from that".

Bianca says "no, no ma'am I do not know what that is like. I know what it is like to fall. and you get up and do it again." I understand it. but I still say WAY HARSH. Especially since we establish the job she gave sidekick was a girlie decision... "she is my friend, she has kids, she lost everything in the hurricane..." and it is professionally kicking her in the head. A male dominated industry dictates that we play like the boys. and never mix the personal and professional.

oh and full out lsat on Saturday gave us a 166! Now if I can do it on the real thing.

I have beef with Victoria's Secret...

maybe beef is too strong a word.

As I have my afternoon snack, I am flipping though the sale catalogue because... let's face it, that is the best time to buy stuff. and as I do it occurs to me... Some of the models do not so much pull off the sultry look... in fact what they do achieve is something more akin to demonic looking. Don't know what I am talking about? Please hold... pic to come.

This will have to suffice for now because I promised to go to church w/Tourette's tonight. because she is scared.... she is also under the impression that I am Buddist. WTF?

also, Don't ever listen to me about anyone. Unless I have a negative opinion. Because though I think everyone is great... if I dislike them, I have a super important reason why.

But as Biana meets Overachiever and asked about him when she calls me... I have to tell her DK has forbidden me from introducing him to girls that ask to be put next to Overachiever. Apparently I am an easy mark. That is why I ask the Overachiever myself.. or the Nugget. and don't tell DK I am hooking anyone up with anyone. so there.

She further enlightens me that the Politician is a man-whore. well duh. but you still would like to hope differently. and her side-kick is turning tricks for the Judge and his friends... and how would that end well? But she is officially his Judicial Attorney... so 8 more months for her in that office.

Will see if I have more to put up after this train wreck to Dehnam Springs. ugh. I am a good friend.

"If something should happen to me, please remove my porn collection before my mom gets there"

This is one of the many things I am to remember while the Dream Killer is out of town.

And that is the kind of good friend I am... Should something happen to him, the Overachiever and I would both make a mad dash and rip up DK's house to make sure his collection was properly disposed of.... the things I do for you people. and do you appreciate it? NO.

So that boy is in DC until Tuesday. I am house sitting. He suggests I put Blanca in the shop on Tuesday or Wednesday so I can use the big Jeep and not have to rent a car. He tells me this is going to be ok. That all of the pieces will be put back together and I didn't do anything wrong so stop hyper ventalating. He even remembered to call when he got there... to say that he got there.

and as I leave message thanking him for remembering to check in (which only took 6 years to achieve) I further come to a sort of realization. I do love him. Granted not IN LOVE and no I don't want a relationship with him. and physically there is no desire to do more than hug him. .. until his little peanut head pops off. But really... as a person, as my friend. I have big hearts for the nemesis know as the Dream Killer.

I know this because when he asks me what I want him to bring me... I say "don't die". He says... "Well that was my general plan anyway. I usually have better vacations when I go somewhere and I don't die." He won't remember to buy me a shirt or something. He is just not that kind of considerate person. But it is true that this is all I want. and I know I love him because when he goes away my chest closes and the little voice in my head says "what if something happens to him? what will we do? who will rub my calves when I hurt?"

It doesn't matter if he is in my city and we don't talk for a month. I know where he is and that he's mostly ok.

I laugh as I stop by yesterday and there is a note on the coffee table that says "See! I cleaned up... so maybe you will want to stay a while... I bought Italian ices in the freezer".

My big stupid stupid head.

I want to pull down all of my posts.

I wonder what I look like on my blog. I think I may look a little bit like a flake (ALLEGEDLY!)

I wonder if you get my bad jokes, if you laugh at me, if you can sympathize with my flouderings. If you can see me. I mean really see. I hope you can. I hope it's good. I hope you can walk with me and see what I see. because some days... the faith of a few is too much.

Yesterday was Mother's Day. Mom got a willow tree card and the shorts from a specialty sports catalogue that we like. (she informed me a few weeks ago this is what she wanted... along with "don't you dare spend a cent more, and don't by me anything to go with it... I have the matching sports bra") bitty bitty moms is great like that. Technically I celebrate Father's Day (because I didn't have a dad- only a mom that was both) but lets face it, my sister doesn't buy presents. and my mom is an excellent mom.

The other part of her present is that I do whatever she wants me to on Mother's Day. Lots of mom like to be treated to lunch... mine likes to make me go to mandir (Hindu church). Because she knows she can. She called in Saturday too so I spent it helping her w/random stuff. We had to get rice from an international store and she laughes as I do the happy dance in front of the cooler. They have banana and pear sodas from Trinidad. It makes me happy.

...at mandir I see the baba (equivalent to priest) and as we arrange mics and flowers... he talks. a lot. about hindu philosophy... and the soul and random bits he wants to be sure I know. He has always done that. Mom tries to bait him into more of a debate. He deflects her easily and continues his monologue. and we smile at the joke that isn't. Mom says "baba you never talk this much on any Sunday. We usually don't hear you until you are ready for the pooja (prayer)" he laughs and takes my hands and says "it is her." and I want to cry.

He asks about school (he always assumes I am like 20) I say I am done w/undergrad and tell him about the repeat of the test. He say (in his broken English) "You will do well. By the grace that is God, he will help you , and you will have all that you want. I am happy to get to see you, whenever I see you I am filled with happiness. and it is good. and it is God" and I am humbled he should say so. It's not weird. He is 60-something and a world renowned geologist. He is being honored in Rome in 2 weeks. His very grown children are beautiful. His pediatrician wife is retired and he is a testament to a gracious, beautifully humble man. and I should be so lucky to have him think so highly of me.

and yet I think I have done nothing to warrant it. I wonder why he says so and if he says so to everyone. If it is just something he says. ick.

My grandmother got a tablecloth that cost $4.50 from Rite Aide and her prescription that cost $1. She is a cheap date. It was what she wanted. She has had dizzy spells for 2 weeks. Today I changed my therapy appt to early so I could take her to her doc.

and took her to her EKG. She is fine. but her doc asks... as they do "are you in school...what do you do?" I tell her about the LSAT and she holds my chin and stares into my face and asks "are you SURE that is what you want to do?" I say yes. She says "Really?" with her best EDS- evil death stare. and says "you have to take a course. which course are you taking" I tell her. and she is glowing and complimentary... and I want to hide under a rock.

Why do people do that? people who know you, people who don't know you, people who give you a Disney existence... walking up to you and saying things like "You don't even know who you are".

"We either make ourselves strong, or we make ourselves miserable...

... the amount of work is the same"

I forget who it is by, but I saw it again recently and it has been stuck in my chest ever since. Therapy is going well but at random times me right arm still goes numb and I can't hold on to anything with that hand... and it's scary. but getting better.

Also knee is screaming and I have what I think is a shin splint but only on the right. I still tried to circuit yesterday but had to quit... plus it would put me late for the movie. The Mexican laments "I hate it when you are hurt. It is painful to watch" I need to stop working out when I am overly hurting. Somethings you are supposed to work with and not through... so says my orthopedist.

But like the quote says... I believe it. and I am not a punk. If there is a choice, you know which side of that fence I am on. because I've been miserable. and it sucks.

My trusty coffee pot died this morning. I am veclempt. sniff. I have had it since 2000. It makes enough coffee for just me. So roommates have to use their own, or wait until I get mine. or beat me to it. I now have to buy another. sniff. g'bye old friend... we've had some interesting blends.

in other news Perfect Stranger sucked. and I got a soft pretzel instead of popcorn. It made me happy. today is day of laundry... you wouldn't think I'd have so much since I didn't go to work this week. hmmmm

So changes to next week... therapy is at 730 to force me up sooner and give me more time to loosen up during the day. We will finish up spitting about Socrates and look further in to St. Thomas Acquinas... I'll tell you why later. and on the idea of spirituality- we are going back to GIBRAN. also more concrete goal on how many resumes to send and to what jobs. got a mini bite from another bank and follow up on wreck insurance. and lsat classes start back on tuesday. refreshers all around and I will tell you what went wrong on feb lsat.

besos.

Drunk Bunny.

*HOW FUNNY! I took a "which happy bunny are you" quiz after I typed post out and this is who I am. Nice.

also... today's theme Jay Sean - Maybe... DO NOT JUDGE ME! (it's on repeat. it makes me go *sigh*)

Once upon a time either Madigan or I was sad. Maybe it was after a Spanish final. We did not call anyone else. We got dressed and went to our favorite bar (because at the time... it cost us nothing to drink there. I forget how we managed that. But I'm sure whatever we drank was awful). The game plan was to sit at the bar and drink until we felt better.

Not dance with people. Not to talk to people. Not to talk ABOUT people. and we were quite suspect on whether or not we were to talk to each other.

So we sat there and drank. Like clockwork I got sick. and we did not feel better.

We go to the bathroom and she holds my hair for me to be sick. as we leave we are both bobbing and weaving... and she falls and laughs hysterically.

"We look like drunk bunnies! or we would if bunnies could get drunk!"

and somehow we remembered that. and that is the name of any intoxicated person. Drunk Bunny. It's funny for the time, and in retrospect... or put in full context of say NOW, it's kind of depressing.

I did not do margaritas last night. I don't want to make it out to drink tonight. I will let Dk take me to a movie and buy me popcorn. But I don't want every social occasion to involve getting blitzed. and with Tourettes it does. ok that is an exaggeration. She is trying to do better. and she is... but if it's not like the lakes or a specific event... there will be lots of beer. it's never just one and great conversation.

Quatro de Mayo we met for Mexican (JB and I). I invited Tourettes as she called in between. It was cool but whenever we drink, I force her to eat. because she won't... which is why size 0 pants fall off of her. We go to a couple of other bars and the Unicorn is with us... who does not drink at all... so we spend a sizable amount of time deflecting Tourettes or trying to minimize contact lest the Unicorn be damaged by what she sees.

By the time JB and I got to the Wine Loft we should not have been drinking anymore. It was stupid. We have great bartenders there. "G" gives us wine. We try it, I don't like it. He gives me something else and I tell him to give me water. We have no tab at the Loft because he has seen me cut JB off and she listens. He has called us a cab before and pays for it. I wonder how much of a lush we look like that he has seen that more than once. as I look at this... it looks like we are all lushes. but truly not...but the isolated instaces seemed to be getting closer and closer together.

Today I talk to Tourettes and she is mopey. She did something she is not proud of while drinking too much. Tonight she has plans to entertain some of our married friends- they do not get out much, they have a baby-sitter so they will be ripping it up. So will she.

I'm not being preachy. Obviously I drink too. But I can also not. and I don't want to drink excessively every time I leave the house. Dk says it is a part of the "culture" of the South.

So we do this, and we are not happy with it, and the solution to the problem is to do it again? at the time it is all in the name of "fun" and yet it does not produce stories to be proud of.

I dunno, but I'm too old to be doing this, at some point it's just not fun anymore.

My gas tank is bent.

There is no joke there. It really is bent.

Ok, so I guess the joke would be... that there is a dent in Blanca's trunk? Stupid Bama was stupid right. the rim on the spare makes it a bit suspect.

How did the day that started out as happy happy sunshine go?

again, I have a list for you...

1. The girl that hit both of us in the car accident has no insurance
2. The guy that hit me did, his is saying I have to talk to hers
3. Mine is saying I don't file a claim with them

so on the off chance I have to pay for this out of pocket... I get an estimate

4. appx 3600 US dollars.
5. and my gas tank is dented... so it may leak and blow for no reason
6. Dk to the rescue... he is about to make it to DC so I will have the full grown jeep to drive
7. which is why he wants to add me to his insurance
8. because he keeps thinking we are "going to make it"
9. because he quarrelled with his most recent ex of I forget how long
10. today he tells me he never took it seriously because he slept with her the 1st night he met her
11. and she had issues that he never took her to meet his parents
12. and she tried to trick him into getting her pregnant

13. after the MRI, I saw my spine today. it was kind of cool
14. I am more concerned about that gas tank- Dk says he will buy me a fire extinguisher if I insist on driving it.

15. I hate my job and I don't want to go back to it. I just can't. besides that being off is nice...
16. I am thinking I would like a job in Pharmaceutical Sales. I could do this. Right?
17. I have yoga tomorrow w/ Carmen. She calls you out. She guages your potential and then lets you know when you are not measuring up. I think it may still be too soon. Plus she does not know me like that.

18. no drugs today, and I am ok.
19. I am loving 30 Rock. How great that I do not watch normal TV... but I will watch it online at the wrong time.
20. and Tourette's solution to all of this... "K. Margaritas. Call me"

i let dk oversleep by 8 min...

Today is going to be a great day.

Why? because this has been a fantastic morning.

Why? because it is 71 degrees outside (this week we've made it up to 95) and I was up early... found special "you are great" card from moms w/gift card for gas. That rocks. Gas is now $2.89. So I shower... on the way to shower... I am reminded that before I went to bed I remembered to wash face, use astringent and put the baby cream on my face...and drink as much water as I could stomach before bed.

... this morning I wake up to great skin! Now if I could just manage to not pick at the 3 imperfections that drive me nuts b/c I know they are there...

on to getting dressed... found $25 in my jeans pocket. yay me.

MRI is today. DK is supposed to meet me and stay with me while they do this. and pick up the police report this morning, because they took forever to file it, and the place is around the corner from his house (isn't everything). further we were supposed to drop his jeep for an oil change. His wake up call at 730 said oil will have to be later, he is going to sleep for another hour.

Why does that make the great list? Because it is not my oil change. and all of my stuff for today will get done. Selfish? yes. but this boy also has boiled crawfish in his freezer.... from about a month ago. He just has to peel it and I promised crawfish fettucini... from scratch. These are the ways that you have to nag him to do things that benefit him. I don't want to be a nag. I really don't. and I don't think women that do nag, really want to be that b*tchy... at least not all the time.

Also, big productive thing from yesterday... new resume. granted the format is wrong... but all the words are there. so now we find a way to change format and then organize by function and specific... and spam the world with it.

Onward people... Theme song: Mas w/loli (it's in arabic... but great). It's sucky on radioblog so I may have to give you the vid later. Tania is trying to make me put something together to this for Ibizza. I am not so flexible these days. but i do love the song... so maybe for her.

also... my sunflower are out! I heart sunflowers. I plant them. they are blooming. One to the things I like about them is that there bloom like is like their last hoo-rah. One shot, that's it. then the whole stem dies. Wow... that looks a little morbid. don't mess this up for me.

The purpose of polite?

Why is it that everytime I am negative about someone... I am smacked by the cosmos.

I successfully ducked Bama all day yesterday. Today I made it through all of circuit. No Bama. Bunny and I talk... we've only played phone tag for a few days... so we really talked. about stuff and the disappointing Engineer... and that DK wants to list me as a driver on his Jeep insurance... and I am claustraphobic that this is a move towards boyfriend like actions...

and she walks me to my jeep... and here it comes. untucked and loud. and I had hoped he would just say hi and keep walking. But he waves... slows...and despite me pinching Bunny-she leaves. He comes over to coo. looks at the damage and I say (and still believe) Blanca is the smartest thing I ever bought.

He circles the jeep and nods. and says "well, Blanca does have a big ass- it looks like she took one for the team" (the spare on the liberty is on the back). "I don't suggest you use that spare- even if it was a full. or have it checked, your rim might be bent. It might be ok on the back, but don't put it on the front." I don't want car advise from him.

We exchange pleasantries, I avoid the hug because I worked out.

He is polite. He is "nice". but there is nothing there that makes me feel special. and Bunny is right, it is time for me to be over it. So do I keep ducking him to avoid the polite, tell him to stop talking to me, find another gym, or suck it up and admit that I got attached to the wrongest person who displayed the right verbage with no potential.

*hint* sucking it up also involves continuously ducking. Somehow in a year and almost a half... whenever I try to talk to him about anything that matters to me... I feel silly. That by itself is telling.

Is it sad to want to be in love?

What is Modesty?

I give you what I wrote verbatim because it proves the point of the exercise.

Update, thanks to the arrogant PhD candidate in Philosophy, I am reminded this was supposed to be "moderation". A conversation which turned debate and got me sufficiently ruffled made modesty stick. I will redo in the journal but I think this stays.

I almost wish I'd not read what others thought before I write this. It feels like my words are not my own.

Modesty- like Buddha says-the middle way. That which is between 2 extremes and yet that does not look like an entirely virtuous thing. at least not by itself.

Which leads me to ask if Modesty is {a good thing}... if it can be.

Not overly showy, not gaudy, nor excessively eccentric. Maybe tempered is a better way to put it.

Like living, or showing less than your full potential is the good. It implies it is only relative to what other people can see.

Which underlies cultures defined by the customs and tradition that preach it. Think Islam and even Hinduism (with the qualification that the koran makes the same demands of its men and women. but which do you know it to be imposed upon? and is modesty itself something you can impose). both thought of women as temptations that distract men from God. Are women above such temptations?

You are always worried what other people are thinking
and what they would think

You are always worried what other people are saying
and what they would say

So I say... Modesty is one of the limitations we put on ourselves. The way we hand over the power we hold in potential to the idea of someone else.

the mind f*ck of I will be what I think you want, in the sense of not overly in the negative direction. Submissive in a sense but we don't criticize overly modest. What we imagine good would look like personified?

...and then be surprised if you are less than mesmerized with a lack of genuine me?

If we had it to do for ourselves, in the context that no one else would ever see... how modest would you be? and I contend that it is not the same as humble. Humility is the personal virtue. at least, that's what I think.

Shrapnel

The title is indicative of what today has been in retrospect.

Bits before actual pic of what blew up...

1. no yoga
2. big girl conversation with the dream killer

3. 2 miles on treadmill = 30 min

4. "I was just calling to check on you and the baby"

5. guest appearance by Shy

6. apparently I am ducking Bama.

That is a good place to start. In no particular order

Today I had every intention to run- then hot tub- and then yoga. Maybe a bit of lunch before eye dr. appt. The only thing skipped was yoga. The hot tub is officially great.

I ran with books... when I am studying for something I run w/ a book and earplugs. No music. So when you test for 4 hours the silence is not deafening... it is familiar. You under-dig.

To yoga would put lunch too late, DK promised pot roast (my favorite thing ever) at a Bistro I like. So opportunity cost for lunch was yoga. Das cool, I'm making it up on Friday w/Carmen.

So as I am running and reading, Bama walks through (I was in gym 1 hour before I normally am- if he is there when I am, he has the innate ability to spot me and call me out. Very loudly. Very embarrassingly). So he walks through in his best Mr. Perfect, look-at-me- I-am a Ken doll in a polo and khakis. I promptly become engrossed in my book. I am inconspicuous. I am a chameleon... I am covert and spy-girl material

Furthermore, Ok- I'm over this. The polite to be polite just stretched out for too damn long. I don't want to be polite. I don't want to turn almost a long time ago, into perpetually almost. I want to ignore each other like other awkward non couples. and pretend like nothing ever happened. I would like that. That would be ideal.

So I stretch in the room w/ a ballet bar (ok I stretch like a ballerina... and I laugh at how un-flexible I now am. and I tried a few jumps. not bad). and take the back way to girls tub.

I sneak out the side to pick up DK. On the way to Bistro DK asks if we should eat at another restaurant we are about to pass b/c my Bistro will be packed. Bama is in that parking lot on his cell. I say "no thanks." and laugh at myself as I slide down in the passenger seat. Dk knows what happened but has never met Bama.

Had coffee w/the engineer on Friday, it rained and rescued their mutual friend from his flooded Lexus. It blew up w/DK Friday night. Friend mentioned I'd helped him out. Engineer denied having seen me. and did the whole..."if there is something you want to know, ask her. I won't tell you because it's none of your business"and alludes to a clandestine romance that I somehow missed. So DK screams at me and I hang up on him. Engineer wants to fight DK for my "honor" I express that he is delusional and this is childish. I am no longer speaking to the Engineer. He was adorable to be sure, but still dispensable, and showed b*tch-like tendencies.

Today we talk about it. I go first, then DK. Then he shows me the text the Engineer left him. It was very much not the guy that I thought I knew. If it is a test of loyalty ever... I choose Dk. Despite all the sh*t, he loves me. and he tries to be good... it's just not enough. but in the same breath, I still owe him some semblance of loyalty. He has that.

Shy once said that I will end of married to DK- because if he asked in front of his parents and in a public setting, I wouldn't have the balls to say no. He says I might actually marry him because w/ him I always know what I'm getting. I know the worst it can be... and then the comfort thing.

ick. Shy popped up yesterday. My heat was getting ready for sprints. He saw me and left. Maybe he was not there to see me. no, no he was. Will I am said he was concerned about the wreck. It will be interesting to watch him attempt to humble himself. I wonder if he has it in him. I'm still not talking to him w/out it.

My doc appt is in June. On a tuesday. how did I get that wrong? so I do homework and come home to nap. I awake to voicemails. Including, "Hi K! I was calling to check on you and the baby...etc.." wrong #? NO, I know the girl who left it, and she said my name... so she thinks I have a baby? We haven't spoken in a while and still I check to make sure I do not have a baby that I was unaware of. maybe I'd woken up to a different reality? sadly no. no baby.

oh and Avi graduates from high school on friday. I may take my grams w/ me. He is going to college in N.O. and not the sad ass community college his sister goes to (she is on year 5 for a 2 year associates.... WTF?). That may have been the choice I nudged him to. I am so proud of him. and I feel old. I remember when he was little and awkward... and he had those TEETH.

You think you knew kids w/ bucked teeth. I promise Avi's teeth were freakin impressive.

BREATHE!

If one more friggen person tells me to do this I'm going to break a frying pan over their head. Today was mostly productive. Lsat catching up... now back to slowing down to read and re-read the techniques... we will learn how to get everything right. It is the only way to do better.

Had physical therapy today. So verdict is nerve damage and much strain on my rotator cuff. which translates into my right arm tingly, my shoulder hurts, and my neck and right trap is baaad. So therapy. We do exercises that use 1kg of weight. appx 2.2 lbs... and I am like C'mon! my therapist Jimmy (Yimmy if you like) is laughing at me. He says he is going to take a pic and send it to my gym. not cool.

I ask why we don't try the stuff I can do. there were people on the elipti-glide, treadmill, bouncing weighted balls off a trampoline etc. I say "Like that guy, I could totally kick that guy's bum at that (whatever he was doing)" Jimmy says, "so, your saying that you are not at all competitive?"

Yimmy has jokes. nice. (at this point I also call him Yimmy!)

He further says I am not to do Yoga or circuit until further notice (that's what he thinks) random cardio is ok as long as it doesn't hurt. I ran yesterday. 2.5 miles in 25 min. Chicago texted yesterday and I told him about it. He asks why I am training for the Marathon-o-Kiran. I say no marathon.

He texts that he will call tonight, and he does. We talk. I tell him about therapy... and circuit tonight (I was going to stop early and hot-tub... but I forgot). He says he understands completely. I am trying to align my trifecta (my WHAT?). He says I do this. He says I did this last June. When trying to be super Bond girl at something... I super extend physically and spiritually as well.

I say bullsh*t.

He asks... besides LSAT, what are you reading.

A condensation of the most influential philosophies of the masters and how they influenced schools of thought to come. and the bit about Socrates.

He asks what I am writing about...

I mention I expect to go through the 6 questions of Socrates... Tomorrow is "What is Modesty?"

and he says "yes, of course. I am completely wrong... Just tell me you are moving to Chicago"

Here is hoping I do get to say so, but it would never be for him. He is not a point of consideration and he knows that. He further understands why we are doing it again and agrees the debt is worth it for a better school. Says the guy who is now debt free after paying U-T 6 figures. nice.

In other news... the Dream Killer got his 1st A in law school. Exam in Obligations. Kudos Honey bunny.

Sleepy but restless. Now that you mention it, spirituality is the bit we could use some work in. but those books are in storage... maybe tomorrow.

Be not Nobody.

What would you do if you had all of the time to do all of the things you never have time for?

Know what I got so far? (I made a list)

1. Catch up on reading and homework for LSAT class (duh)
2. Phys therapy and dr. apptmts... including eye exam for new glasses and contacts
3. post resume everywhere
4. find new hobby
5. catch up writing in all journals (i currently have 3)

Let me tell you about the journals.

Smile- dusty pink. it is where I write down good things. I make myself write something good when I don't think I have anything. I especially write things that are genuinely good- to keep for a day when it is hard to write.

L' Arc de Triumph- it is kind of big- but awkward and not a standard size. it is more small and fat. I used to write random in it. but this is the journal that stuff was stolen from... and mailed to my mother, and to the dream killer. Not that it created the controversy that it was meant to. They both kind of went... "yeah, you kind of told me all this stuff...so this is kind of redundant for no reason". I now write mostly poetry that I will edit when I know how. I still write random.

Fleur de Lis- this was the gift from Lemon. I promised myself I would only write special, meaningful things in it, as it is so special. He says it will never have character if I keep babying it.

The last is the recipient of a new task. To answer Socrates' 6 questions (from historic Socrates... 1st portion of Plato... not later Socrates).

We will start w/ What is Virtue.

The questions themselves are supposed to be telling. About what you think, but more so about the way you think. I like it better than the friggen myspace quizzes.

If I like what I spit... I'll tell you about it.

Cheers.

Happy Cinco De Mayo

Today has been mostly spent recovering from yesterday. Jenny Bear, Tourettes, and a guest appearance from the Unicorn (because she is 20-something from South Dakota and sickeningly unscarred. Christian extreme with cartoon tendencies). I describe not negatively. She is what we imagine we would be had no one every hurt you a day in your life. ugh. By the end of the night JB and I snuck out to the Wine Loft. Where we affirmed that it is our favorite bar.

This is JB and I's special special day. I love this day 2nd only to Christmas. It's great. Further, it is great because it is consistently great. you just don't have a bad Cinco. That is just wrong.

In other news... on short term disablity from work. MRI next week. My doc remembers I am clausterphobic and I shall have the open one.

Now I have nothing but time. I shall begin the search for a new hobby on Monday. That plus LSAT and finding new workout regime is what I have to look forward to. We are finding the new dream.

I think I really am supposed to marry Aladin...

yes the cartoon character... princes are different in the flesh.

THEME: Honey Soundtrack - 13 - I Believe.mp3

It was brought to my attention we have not addressed Shy in a while. So lets. Also mini-blurb about Fed-Ex... we can start there.

I heart my Fed-Ex guy. He brings me stuff that is Fed-Exed from certain Attorneys in NY. I get about 3/4 a week. He is sweet sweet. He says nice things and goes away. It is great, every girl should have such a Fed Ex guy. He is a bit of sunshine.

I mention so to Jaws as our ships cross... she spits "he's married". I say "and? he says he likes my hair or my shoes... I'm pretty sure that is not infidelity"... but she saw him at the market and his intro to her was "so when are we going out?" she says "you are wearing a wedding ring" and he says "so?"

That does knock him down a peg. I had hoped he was better than that. and no he has never breathed 1/2 of an inappropriate word to me.... on to Shy.

Lack of Shy because he breathed lots of inappropriateness. He is very vocal about the contacts he has. As long as we are cool he is very vocal about how much they are at my disposal. He begins to intimate that he is the stand-in for my lack of boyfriend... ummmm no. never on my most desperate nor worst day ever.

I saw him at the car-wash when I was getting the Jeep washed. He paid for it. It was a nice gesture. I didn't think anything of it. Later in front of people he brings it up and says he did it because that is the kind of thing a boy-friend does for his girl. I pull him aside and explicitly tell him the joke is now over and please stop.

and he does... and then he doesn't. fast forward he had words with a life guard... and then Bama. he has the contacts to get Bama fired and I ask him not to. He doesn't and lets it go.

He tells me that Bama should worship me like he does. no comment. Then all filters break loose and he says something that was his idea of a pass. Something about the shorts I worked out in... and I wanted to let it go... but talking to him does not work. and I am not willing to placate him for those contacts. I will do well in life... but I refuse to compromise my dignity to do it.

The only thing he respects is being cursed out... so that is what happened. and now he works out on the days I do not, and at the times I do not. And I don't care, I am not the one to tuck tail and run. I did nothing wrong.

you see why DK is the world's most wonderful safety? He asks for a relationship and is fine without it. No trying to make me sleep with him.

2/2 on sleaze... where are the princes?

OH and back to mom... same breakfast... I inform mom that she no longer gets to pick them... I tell her what happened and she laughs until she cries and has the audacity to say "Well I didn't really PICK him, you know how your Auntie is... She's so pushy... I couldn't really say no....". But I can "Hell no!"

TIRAMISU

In Italian it means "pick me up"

Almost didn't put this up because I abhor the confederate flag... even in purple and gold. Stupid red-necks... and yet...

Sum of all parts.

Once, in a moment of what can only be described as "clairvoyance, Lemon made the observation that some of my likes/dislikes and habits contain or were a result of remnants from old boyfriends. I countered with, while that may be true, I don't think it's just boyfriends... I think to some degree we become the sum (so to speak) of the people closest to us whom we choose to keep so close.

If you had not heard... I am doing the LSAT again. and prepping with Princeton. I know, I know... you see a colossal waste of money. But this time it is not my money (if it were, this would not be happening). So does mommiey think it a waste of her money? No, she sees it as supporting my dream. If I am unhappy with my score she is trying to make me have the better score. Which (arguably) leads to better school. For this girl, more importantly it intimates a school outside of LA. Which is the lesser goal right under getting into dream school and great law school.

but it comes not without much hard work on my part. Since last Feb's debauchal, I am willing to concede that my approach did not work. and I am only to happy to place my pliable self into a Princeton LSAT guru's magic hands. We have talked, he is convinced he can get me to finish line w/ a kick a** score... off we go.

Ahhh... But if you know me, you know how discouraged and mentally exhausted I was... so what would make me want this? and most of all, what would bring me to the frame of mind that I could do this?

My parts.

The only person I sought and opinion from was JD (please don't take that personally!). However, when informed of said decision, others weighed in.

DK: you've beaten my score! You should have been accepted everywhere... You are so much smarter than me

(I have to remind him that my last name is not his... his carries a bit more weight, maybe only here,actually in DC also)

Bunny: I am assuming that was a very thought out decision... I know how hard it was to come to... know that you have lots of love and support... blah blah

Bianca: (and this one kind of stopped me for a sec) If you insist. I am slightly disappointed you didn't pull you stuff together in spite of that. Call me when you need me to proof.

Of the 4 sets, the one I snuggle up to is Bunny's. Why? You may now know this (I didn't either) but Bunny has her PhD in Pharmacy. You say... then why does she work for the Governor's Office making far less than she should?

because she did not pass her boards. 2X. and she quit (and got depressed... and then took the 1st job open... fast forward 5 years brings us to now). And she thinks of it everyday. and get to pay loans on it. and has to realistically look at what she can so with her education and experience... and they don't match, thus options are not so forth coming.

Staring down the precipice of being a paper pusher... a better school may not give me the dream job... but an intimidating name opens a few more doors. and most of all... not here.