I want to pull down all of my posts.

I wonder what I look like on my blog. I think I may look a little bit like a flake (ALLEGEDLY!)

I wonder if you get my bad jokes, if you laugh at me, if you can sympathize with my flouderings. If you can see me. I mean really see. I hope you can. I hope it's good. I hope you can walk with me and see what I see. because some days... the faith of a few is too much.

Yesterday was Mother's Day. Mom got a willow tree card and the shorts from a specialty sports catalogue that we like. (she informed me a few weeks ago this is what she wanted... along with "don't you dare spend a cent more, and don't by me anything to go with it... I have the matching sports bra") bitty bitty moms is great like that. Technically I celebrate Father's Day (because I didn't have a dad- only a mom that was both) but lets face it, my sister doesn't buy presents. and my mom is an excellent mom.

The other part of her present is that I do whatever she wants me to on Mother's Day. Lots of mom like to be treated to lunch... mine likes to make me go to mandir (Hindu church). Because she knows she can. She called in Saturday too so I spent it helping her w/random stuff. We had to get rice from an international store and she laughes as I do the happy dance in front of the cooler. They have banana and pear sodas from Trinidad. It makes me happy.

...at mandir I see the baba (equivalent to priest) and as we arrange mics and flowers... he talks. a lot. about hindu philosophy... and the soul and random bits he wants to be sure I know. He has always done that. Mom tries to bait him into more of a debate. He deflects her easily and continues his monologue. and we smile at the joke that isn't. Mom says "baba you never talk this much on any Sunday. We usually don't hear you until you are ready for the pooja (prayer)" he laughs and takes my hands and says "it is her." and I want to cry.

He asks about school (he always assumes I am like 20) I say I am done w/undergrad and tell him about the repeat of the test. He say (in his broken English) "You will do well. By the grace that is God, he will help you , and you will have all that you want. I am happy to get to see you, whenever I see you I am filled with happiness. and it is good. and it is God" and I am humbled he should say so. It's not weird. He is 60-something and a world renowned geologist. He is being honored in Rome in 2 weeks. His very grown children are beautiful. His pediatrician wife is retired and he is a testament to a gracious, beautifully humble man. and I should be so lucky to have him think so highly of me.

and yet I think I have done nothing to warrant it. I wonder why he says so and if he says so to everyone. If it is just something he says. ick.

My grandmother got a tablecloth that cost $4.50 from Rite Aide and her prescription that cost $1. She is a cheap date. It was what she wanted. She has had dizzy spells for 2 weeks. Today I changed my therapy appt to early so I could take her to her doc.

and took her to her EKG. She is fine. but her doc asks... as they do "are you in school...what do you do?" I tell her about the LSAT and she holds my chin and stares into my face and asks "are you SURE that is what you want to do?" I say yes. She says "Really?" with her best EDS- evil death stare. and says "you have to take a course. which course are you taking" I tell her. and she is glowing and complimentary... and I want to hide under a rock.

Why do people do that? people who know you, people who don't know you, people who give you a Disney existence... walking up to you and saying things like "You don't even know who you are".