"No one will ever love you the way that I do"

The first time I heard that, it was in Hindi. It was from Water Buffalo and a year into dating, we had our 1st fight. and I did not understand. Literally, because my Hindi is sketchy at best... and then figuratively... because how does someone say such a thing... and have it be true.

But it is true.

the 2nd time I heard it was from Buffalo's replacement... and after that from angry individuals. and then from the Dream Killer it was rounded out with that every guy that says so... then walks away and finds the love of his life (or the girl he marries... same thing).

So is it true? yes. no. I guess? I don't know

Fast-forward to I heard something similar come out of my mouth... and I didn't recognize my voice. what I heard was "You just lost the best thing that ever happened to you". Do i know that to be true? That someone has lost the present of my presence? Yes. That he recognizes it at "the best thing that ever happened to him"? He says he does. But he has not the benefit of the doubt. Because there is no doubt... and I could say "Don't Speak" because and his words hold no water. (get it? no doubt... gwen... no?)

It is the illustrious Dream Killer. And understand we are not fighting, we are not quarrelling. There is a facet of his personal life I have been enlightened to... and he has lost the love I had for him.

This week I had lunch with him and his dad... I've told you his dad is someone worth knowing. Truly larger than life... a humble greatness... so a letter of recommendation looks spectacular from him. We have lunch to discuss this, LSAT and the special form for Northwestern and all of the dream schools.

DK says that I am not allowed to go to Chicago. His dad sends him to the bar to get a beer so we can talk. He comes back and his re-entry to the conversation is "I'm not paying for Northwestern!" DK's dad says "K... get the acceptance letter and we will find the money." What you are to walk away with is that DK is telling his parents that I am to be the wife. I excuse myself to the bathroom and weigh the pros and cons of sneaking out the window.

Later that afternoon... His arguably ex (she thought they were dating... he was just f*cking...) is having a problem with someone slashing her tires... she thinks it is akin to my situation. I rather disagree... but I don't know what DK has told her. She contacts me over myspace... which has now been pulled down for that very reason.

I tell her she had the courtesy of one conversation. One. Because I remember what it is to be scared out of your skin... and feel crazy. and not be able to talk to anyone else because you think that they will also think you are friggen crazy. So we have coffee. and we talk. and I take the number of her investigator and tell her she can call me if she needs me.

Her car was set on fire. She says DK has been around her stuff a lot. DK didn't do it, 1. a lot of the times stuff happens to her, he is with me. 2. the self-involved ego-maniac is too self involved. 3. He professes his undying love daily. constantly. emphatically... and is trying to make himself whole to be worthy of my love. so he says...

Except that last week she took him to lunch and he pitched for a relationship. why does that sentence look familiar... yes boys and girls... because I was given the very same pitch.

I call and ask... he confirms and finishes with "K! no, K! please listen. please talk to me... I said that to her because I was trying to f*ck her..." (hint... that did not make this better). So I am sick and nauseous with betrayal and contempt. No, I didn't want a relationship with him... but if you hear something long enough.. you kind of start to believe it. and I at least thought he was different that the foul-ness that abounds. no, not so much.

He is not mine and I did not want him to be, so the big girl stance is that this is a portion of his personal life that is not my business. The petulant child in me got taken out by the Jenny Bear because she was the only one I could cry to who has been there the entire time and whose opinion had any weight.

I drank and obnoxious amount of scotch and showed up at his house at like 3 am. In my mind... the way this worked out was that I was going to break everything in his house. The reality was a bit different.

*bang bang bang* (me knocking on the door)
He let me in.
I drank water in between scotches.. I had to pee like a race horse.
I come back to the dining room- he is sitting on the other couch... trying to wake up.

I say (i meant to scream... but that's not how it came out)... I am hurt. You hurt me. Say something to make it better, say something to make it stop. Say something to make me think you have ever cared about me. ever.
He says ... nothing.
I say... I came here with the express purpose of breaking sh*t.
He says "let me find Amel (1 of 2 cats I adopted for him) first... she is skittish with loud noises"

I say... I don't rightly remember... I was angry and slammed out of the house. He follows me out to ask me to stay... I was too intoxicated to drive. and I should have stayed. but I did not. I came home. and woke up and put the anger behind me. He is not mine, he is not for me. But there were pieces that I thought understood me... and if not even he is decent... how will I ever find someone I can trust? how?

I know some guys are great... I've known too many who are... but apparently not for me. I wasn't sleeping with him... and even he was not good. I am not angry, but I am still sad. I am not going to Houston because my back hurt too bad just driving the 45 min to Hammond, how could I do 5 hours to Houston. ugh. and he leaves for London tomorrow. good riddance.