Blink.

It's a book. by the author of the Tipping Point. and like the Tipping point, it is a relaxing, interesting, easy read. and makes a good point about the split second decisions that we make, and how we sort of tend to stick to them... and why they are good.

which leads me to think of my own split-secondness (?!).

Yesterday was the loudest day ever. Everywhere I tried to study was obnoxiously loud. Everywhere I tried to hide, people talked to me. It's crunch time, I cannot study at home.

Starbucks... I didn't really want anything... but I wanted something to drink (and I was fussy... turned out to be a sinus headache). My barista is super excited to explain what a "Strawberries and cream frappacino" is... but it has not coffee. but he can add a shot of espresso. I say "give me that" to shut him up. He is so happy... I did not want to impart my bad mood upon him. He makes it... it's gross. I keep this information to myself.

I tried to test but the damn Paul McCartney music is too loud. I don't like the new McCartney. All about the Beatles... not so much just the Paul. It's cool... I suspect he is not too crazy about me either.

My barista comes and sits down next to me... and I am looking at him like he has grown an extra head. "Don't you love it! Tell me you love it! I told you this was going to be a special special day for you!" He's just so excited. I smile and fake sip my drink. (I forgot to mention that I am lactose intolerant... and he gave me a bigger size to make room for the whipped cream. ick) So I left.

It's the middle of the day and I figured I could hide in the cardio room at the gym. Who is really there at like 230-3? Hardly anybody. Plus I have sufficiently put my Bama issues to rest. So he's nice, I'm nice... its all superficially friggen nice. :)

So I am there... there are kids at camp... they do whatever they do. I get through 1/2 a set of args... I look up and Shy is talking to me. I mouth a curse word and take the ear plugs out. Shy is telling me about a potential position in the field I went to school for. I should listen to this. He wants me to meet the guy over drinks. I stop listening. I explain that I will do coffee but not drinks... and not at the young-professional bar he is suggesting. why? Perception is reality... and I don't want this guy to think that there is anyway I could possibly want him (he's 40-something and single). Shy keeps talking. I invite him to walk the outdoor track w/me for a while if he insists on talking. I thought he would get hot, pass out, and shut up... in that order.

So we are walking. it is 90-some-odd degrees outside. You know what I took away from that conversation...He says I am single because I need open myself up to the possibility of a relationship. I tell him I do not want one with him and I never will. He laughs. We now have a running joke... "that is on your list" i.e. what you just said is on the list of things that I will curse you out for saying. He says that once I told him that I was having a bad day because my cycle started... and it is gross for a guy to envision that .... so that was on my list. fair enough.

obviously I have forgiven his indiscretion. why? because I have had to ask for forgiveness for bad behavior and foot in mouth also. Maybe not from him. but in general.

on to Blink... know what I have split second decided a million years ago that I should have stuck too?

1. DK is not for me. I will never marry him, I will never date him, again. Why? no matter how good he is for how long... I look at the man that he is... at his core with contempt. and that makes for not a good marriage. and he is never going to change. eventually I would hate him.

2. I am not afraid of marriage. I very much want to. and have kiddies. but I do not want to get divorced. and I do not want to be a single mom.

3. Bama was never for me. and no matter how much I wanted to make out of a bad interaction... that it could lead to a decent relationship... there was never anything there for me. and that is not a bad thing.

4. I have to remember to be humble enough to not take it personally that someone may not want to date me if I want to date them. It should not be so ego-crushing.

5. Making money is not the most important driving force in my life. I cannot mobilize the energy and focus I put into things that drive me... like LSAT... into things like... find way to get rich.

6. grew some balls and had a hard conversation w/mom that I do not want an Indian guy just because we would make the right colored babies. and that one day if I had to choose between her or the person I was sure I could make a life with... I would have to choose life.

ugh. and how unfortunate that these basic stances just didn't change. also... true to form... DK tried to pick a nasty fight last night. he doesn't realize he does this before anything big. (like he has done before both lsats) this time I say "have a nice evening" and get off the phone. He calls back-nothing. he texts. nothing. he calls a couple of times today. nothing. eventually he remembers I had another interview today, he texts good luck - i tell him about it. I also tell him that if is a negative and not a positive, he will get put to the side until I have the spare time to coddle his B.s. and it may not happen. He is still driving me to Hammond- he just doesn't get to talk.