Lots to write so I will try to be brief (I said TRY!).
Once upon a time I took a Finance class in college that was miserable. After the 1st day I didn't want to go back. The professor was from Pakistan and was a complete jerk. He used to call me Malibu Barbie. Not in a "you are so pretty" kind of way... but in a "you are so stupid" kind of way. I tell my roommates... they sympathize and say he's just angry because I am Indian Barbie and he looks like a ogre.
The pics are both Indian Barbie... I am more the browner of the 2. We've talked about the Indian standard of beauty. This is what makes me not.
Tie in to this morning. I sit for LSAT tomorrow, so I am in mandir (church) today. I rode with mom, she mentioned that she wanted to pick up a few things... I thought I would have time to change after mandir. not so much.
The pic of Indian Barbie on the left is wearing a sari... mom wore a sari... but you don't usually walk around w/your head covered... so that part is kind of flowy. I wore a salwar kameez (the one of the right) with out the nose thing it was sleeveless. left the head covering piece (dupatta) in the car. My nose is not pierced... and you only wear the nose thing on your wedding day. I did have a bindi though (dot... for those of you who only know it as that... it is the dot)
After mandir, we go to the international store. I am PSYCHED because that means there is international SODA there. (i don't know why I SODA is capped... but it is). and then the real grocery store... and I am not so ok with this.
You know those little Wal-Marts that are just food stores... that are trying to look more like Whole Foods... We went to one of those... and I didn't want to get out of the car. Mom is like... "what are you waiting for? Christmas?"... and I start to say "I can't go in there like this!"... but I don't. because I know my mom...she would leave me in the car and go shopping for an hour. on purpose.
So I suck it up and try to get the stuff on her list as quickly as possible. and I feel so awkward. People stare... they nudge other people to stare. I am avoiding eye contact because it is just so weird. and I am so mad at myself for feeling so out of place. Especially as I hear myself telling DK once about how much of my childhood "all I wanted was to be like everybody else"... so that would be more Malibu than Indian.
I am not ashamed to be Indian. not by any stretch of the imagination... and it's not like I can hide it... Even the girl at Taco Bell (yes I occasionally eat Taco Bell) says "You look foreign". My foreign-ness is all over my skin and facial features. and the hair is a dead give away.
But there is a difference when you walk out into the world in full "ethnic dress" (and I hate those words). at Indian functions it is expected that this is what you wear, I just don't want to go anywhere else in it. and you can preach at me until you are blue in the face about not being comfortable with myself... and I'll take that... but you think about people differently when they walk around in clothes that are obviously not from here.
Admit it! I know you do it! There are Muslim women at my gym that work out in the head
scarves (hajib if you don't know it) and even I kind of look away. or make it a point to look like I don't notice it. but I do. and you do too.
Didn't get to the rest of the stuff I meant to post. I guess this looks like a bigger bit of rant than I thought I would need. ick.
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