Is it just a matter of time?

Are we all such predictable creatures? Is that the instinctual part of us, or just lack of getting laid? Inevitable, when presented with the lack of substance do we fill the void with whatever is in our line of sight?

David's Bunny and I are going to see Cirque du Soleil's Delerium in March. I'm excited. I've seen Mystere and O... I want to see KA and I will leave Zumanity alone until I am in a committed relationship. No one wants to walk around looking for a stranger to "trip" over. (google the show- you'll get it). While we are talking, someone butts in to drool over psuedo-Daydream. You remember him, Mr. Perfect from the neck down. Since I contemplated a drool I can't judge. Bunny and I have talked about that too... and she also says she should not be circuit training until she is also in a committed relationship. And you wonder why he is a bit of a man-whore? Because he can be.

Which goes back to the title line. Shy in his profound wisdom... or b.s. in its stead... says the reason he can have just about any girl is because he works out all day and is consistently personable and friendly. and that is all it takes. Now for a bit more, it would take a bit more. But just to score that's about it.

And I put it in context... (because it's my blog!) I say his attention is nice, but not enough to sustain daydreamy-ness. So it was an infatuation? and then put in to relation to the last one I had "relations" with. I'm not saying this will turn into a relationship... but the person I am says it couldn't be a one night stand. Ok, I lie. As long as it was made so by ME, I would have been fine with it. But it could have only been with someone I knew and trusted... or just met and never wanted to see again. ahhh and again Petulance rears its ugly head.

I think I lost my point. Still sleepy.

A whole hour after my last post and today IS great...

Except for the JD thing. Which sucks... because I feel bad for him... and then there is the Lemon who uses the L-word. And I do not believe him. But I am trying to curb my cynicism, because what if he DOES mean it and I just kick him, without meaning to. ick.

But on to the good... today started with the "Come to Jesus" call from Shy. Haven't talked to him in a couple of days... he checks in to say "Study, study." and he believes and makes me believe. Even he says this is going to be great. and my oyster world really will flop open... one day. But he is upbeat and positive, the energy is great (how new-age does that sound?!) and he is determined that I have no limitations minus the ones i place on myself. I got this. and then he follows up with weighing in on DK. Apparently I am supposed to tell DK to "Hit this head". I remind Shy I don't have one... he says "figuratively, a**!"

I get to work and I have a present. A box of candy from Bianca's sidekick's 3-year old. He is adorable. He visited, I gave him candy- He wouldn't talk to me. Nothing.

Later he tells his mom it is because my *ahem* are not big enough. I had to laugh at that. Maybe I wore the wrong bra... for impressing 3 year olds! I am further laughing at myself because the little voice in my head says "Listen little boy, I'll have you know that LOTS of grown men find me VERY attractive... even if I am only a B. So there!" which would have been very mature.

Fast forward a couple of weeks... he's in a store with his mom and brings her a box of candy and says "buy this for the lady". Yes the lady with apparently small *ahem*. She left me a love note on the box. I'll take that.

Today will be good day... Why?

Because my horror-scope said so. Please see as follows.

Looking back can be very educational and enlightening today. You'll notice a real pattern of behavior that will help you move forward. This is a day to be confident of your decisions -- don't worry about what other people think of you. Walking forward with confidence might take a bit of false bravado at first, but once you get a sense of comfort with your new swagger, you'll never be meek or mild again. Your growing strength will ensure that mistakes you've made in the past will not be repeated.

grrrr... tiger.

Dream-killer's car broke...

and I am stupid because I still feel sorry for him.

In other news... My Grandma should be the weatherman. I think she would be a great weatherman. Actual forecasting skills aside.

So, Sat was cold and rainy. Obviously weather to run all of the errands in the world in! So as we (Mouse and I) set out on a trek for food, water, and shoes for my mom. Mouse hops into the jeep and says "See? I told you so!". Sorry, you told me what?

One day this week Mouse called me at work. I don't care what she calls me for, I'm excited she is using the big scary phone. She will talk into it, but she refuses to dial her own numbers. I don't get it either.

She says, "You know, it's going to rain one day this week?" I say, "Like maybe today, since it's raining now?" and she says, "Yes, rain like today. But no, because it is going to come on another day also" WHAT?

I don't why I keep this going, but she is on speaker phone- so what the hell. I ask which day? She says "I didn't listen to that part. But one of the days in the week. Or maybe the weekend. One day." Nice.

But my Mouse loves me. As we trek across town for all of the things on our list, with stops for snacks- she is diabetic... we get lunch from a deli. We eat and she carries a bag out. We finish errands and I get to unload the jeep. Mouse jumps out and bops around with her little bag. She leaves it on the kitchen table. Mom tries to throw it away- Mouse takes issue. In the bag is a quater of her sandwich that she has saved for me. I am confused. I ate. She saw me. But she believes that I need a quarter of an old lady's veggie sandwich- this was not big enough to hold a whole slice of cucumber. But if that is what she says, I take it and say thank you.

I imagine it might rain one day. Maybe here, maybe not, but someday either in the week or on the weekend.

Sometimes... you just need a cookie.

Yesterday I had a biscuit and coffee for breakfast. Steamed rice, grilled fish, and cabbage for lunch (it was fantastic even if it didn't sound so). My snack turned into a KitKat that made me sick.

Right before the gym I was munchie... but leery as the KitKat made me sick. It was rainy and cold so I made cocoa... and saw a sub-par cookie in the vending machine. I got the cookie and heated it up... and it was wonderful. I thought it might have been too soon before the gym to eat anything else... but no. How does this tie into yesterday?

Dream-Killer has a dad worth knowing. He once offered a letter of recommendation to law school and I have yet to take him up on it. Yesterday DK texts me that to do so may be embarrassing for me. I ask why and he says that he told his dad about Monday's blow-up and it was his dad that suggested that DK try to talk to me again. This bit of insight was given with the undertone that I was presented in a very crazy light and it would be best for me to tuck my tail. Ok.

The way I see it... 1. Having the letter in the 1st place would have been the result of what the son thought of me, not the dad (presumably). and 2. if it is an extension of the son and not the dad, I truly shouldn't have it. 3. the same words that had the potential to build me up, have smacked me so many times I should not be surprised.

It was a stupid card trick for DK to pull... because he now has none left. I have no reason to ever ever speak to him again. Not to say the only reason we were still friends was because of that letter, that's bull. But he crossed a line that has the potential to sully me to the few positives I could hold.

Fast forward to intense workout. I left right after with out the usual pleasantries or conversations. David's bunny called me on way home to check on me. She expressed concern. I didn't want to talk about it, and she understood. And had she not been so understanding I wouldn't have talked about it. But it kind of came to a head and spilled out.

She re-iterates how much DK is not for me, and what a jerk he is to pick a fight when my head is stuck in the LSAT. She expresses her faith that I will do well in life no matter what. And this situation only serves to sift the positives from the negative. She is right. She tells me that right now there is no hurt, no pain, no I-wish-you were different. There is only, I am going to get into a great law school with or without you and I am sorry you do not have the capacity to want to help.

Lastly she says... I am still going to ask for that letter. Humble greatness that the Sr. is says that he would not say no based on jr. opinion. He knows me. He knows my work and has seen me struggle. If there is a no to be had, he will have to say it to me.

this goes up because I needed it today. Maybe you did to. and maybe we will have a proper tea one cold day and this will all be funny. With almond cookies even. :)

I slept on the kitchen floor last night...

... and I honestly don't recommend it.

We could pretend that today's bits of blog will run with a slightly coherent theme maybe they will blend seamlessly? No, no they will not.

In the interest of the disjointed theme, off we go.

Someone gave me crap cocoa for Christmas. I just had to bust into it because I am out. It gross. The marshmallows are slightly redeeming but the hard candy is also crap. So the idea that I was thought of was nice... but the cocoa is still crap.

Joules has a black eye. She's old. She slipped and "fell" on her kitchen floor. She looks like a boxer. Everyone is concerned that the incidents are a little more frequent and she has worked her for a number of years. But I love her intro to it... She walks up and says "No, I was not seriously hurt, you should see the other guy, you can go ahead and laugh now."

There is a bar in her kitchen and even she laughs that she got smacked on the wrong side of the world.

Scotchie has to wear a cone... not like a normal cone, just something that prevents him from biting his non-tail. It's more like a neck brace. Yesterday he was still teetering over. He got to sleep in the kitchen and decided he did not want to sleep alone. Hence this girl was woken up and whimpered out of her bed and beckoned to the kitchen to soothe the baby. He slept well. He snored, I am so jealous.

Also, in the interest of "growing as a person" I did try to call the Lemon last night. No answer. I was gifted with a drunk call a bit later. Interesting.

Dream Killer is an a**hole, but consistent in being so. Had the most awful follow ups to Friday's tiff. The bad part is because it pulls into focus how much sh*t we (that is an arguable we... I believe it to be me) have taken from each other over the years. I can honestly say I have sought to better and shown gratitude for every time he has helped me with anything.

His take remains largely the same. He "wants" a relationship and thus should be gifted with one. By sole virtue of his want. In his world, expressing a want is all that is required. I think a characteristic of love is belief in another person and certainly respect for that person. That is not so much what I have for him. Not that I hate him, how could I. But he is not a good friend, in fact surpassed only by his extreme incompetence as boyfriend. Yes that was worse. I did remember a good aspect about the "Dream-killer boyfriend". He never let me think that he ever thought anything other than that he thought that I am beautiful. (complex for no reason) Athlete that he once was, it weighs a bit on your own insecurities when you feel heavy. He remained of the opinion that nothing was ever wrong. That was a nice consolation anyway.

The pic is of a book by the MILK project. I love all of them. I remember what I looked for with a camera. It's been a while.

Tired.

If this is my roller coaster...

then look for my Lemon in the bushes. He got pushed today. Actually it was just for the moment... he may be calling my bluff. but i am not calling him.

I think I'm cranky today... and I want all the bad-for-me salt, chips, french fries, hash browns. bad. Ick, we all know what that means.

Oh right, roller coaster (where ARE my manners today?) When I got awesome present from Lemon, it was delivered to work. Bunkles is of the opinion that I should warn Lemon... To hold on for the ride until I push him off of my roller coaster. I thought it a bit harsh. And while it does adequately sum up Bunkles' perception of my lack of boyfriend... I say "not necessarily!" and further more "WAAAAAAY harsh!"

But in conversation with Jenny-Bear on Saturday (no I did not go to the ball... yes she rallied to change that right up until the last second. She is a good friend) She loved the present also. Her thoughts were...

1. He was fantastic on New Year's Eve
2. He is as sweet and non-threatening as I need right now

3. He shows an amazing amount of promise

4. He better have some BIG balls

WHAT? Shy chimes in of course (but even he likes that Lemon makes an effort to be sweet). Apparently my friends are of the opinion that the reason I am single is that I have bigger balls than the guys that I know. WHAT?!

Shy does the whole "Guys are intimidated by you, no offense but I have yet to meet any whole men in this whole f**ked up state" Obviously he is not big on LA. He says that guys here are spoiled because there are tons of beautiful girls and men don't have to do much to get/keep them. But Lemon is not a relationship. He didn't ask, and I've done the pre-emptive "I don't want a B.S. relationship." and that is true. The standard defense is that I have yet to meet someone who makes me not want to be single anymore. I dare say it would take a person, because relationships because you don't want to be alone are not good.

Ick. What a long day. This morning was nice, had coffee w/Bianca- haven't really visited with her in a while. Which is wild as I see her almost every day. I miss her. I remember that it is nice to drop my sh*t at her door and curl up next to her heart. to say anything and not be judged and have her give her 2 cents on anything and know that it comes from love. She is much like my Jenny Bear.

In other news, my Scotchie has no tail. I dropped him home, fed him and gave him his anti-biotics. He doesn't get pain pill until tomorrow because he is still cracked out with shots. He seems to be taking the whole ordeal well. When I got to the vet, he ran to the jeep and hopped in like a kid after school. :)

It's not me... It's the Mexican.

I apologize for not knowing how to link an older post to this one... But the one that is applicable is the only one from July of Last year, titled Yeeeeaaaahhhh Mexican.

Fast forward to last Tuesday, Lemon drove down for a bit of Mexican amidst my studying- which did not happen.

(side note: I am posting this because I am still laughing about it. I heard myself telling Shy about it...as it trumps our adventure at the "show")

We get there, he goes to the bathroom. Immediately some guy who went to my high school appears out of thin air. He "remembered my face" and came to introduce himself. I vaguely remember him, but not really. He finds it necessary to say that while he IS a waiter... he will not be MY waiter. (er?) He is filling me in on what life has been like since high school, it is fabulously interesting I assure you. He asks if I finished, I get to say "yes" (It's the only other sentence I got to say)... He enlightens me that he went to a couple of schools in CA and UT on football and soccer scholarships (I try to look sufficiently impressed).... and then he tells me what he finished in.

are you ready?

I'm serious, you have to be ready.... An associates degree in Science. WHAT? 6 years did that? Are you ready for what he is going to be when he grows up? really? promise?

A physical therapist. Now, I'm not trying to be a dream-killer... but c'mon buddy. C'mon! My attempt at conversation is "Wow, that is a really competitive field." and he says "Well, I've always liked helping people". Mercifully Lemon shows up with his own adventure. Mr. Associates mumbles "Nice to meet you" to Lemon and vanishes as quickly as he came.

On to Lemon's adventure... He's at the urinal, doing what men do there. The guy from the table behind us walks in and asks for $5 to pay his check. Lemon thought the guy was on a cell phone or talking to someone else, and continues what he is doing. The guy taps him on the shoulder. (I can't breath at this point of the story) as Lemon is still mid-stream. Lemon says he doesn't think he has and cash and the guy asks him to double check. wow.

What a bad situation to be in... for boTH OF them! and Shy says stuff only happens with me. Like I had any control over this!

Update on Bama. Thursday he calls (I accidentally answered) and he asks if I would join him for a "group thing" on Friday. Of course I had to say no thank you and I already had plans( which was true!) and he demurs that he is "torn" and asks if he will at least get to see me in circuit training and next time could I please please make a minute in my schedule for him. I'm not upset over the birthday blow off, I never really was and it was so long ago... but if I was a cruel person I could be really mean to him. But then I would get it back 10-fold I am sure.

oh and when Shy and I went to see Deja Vu, 1/2 way through the couple next to us pulled out what looked like a very new baby from the lady's coat. WTF?! The baby was very real and did not appreciate the R rated movie as much as you think a new-born would. The people who sat next to us (shy called them the 2 life sized M&M's) took dinner and a movie to mean both at the same time. After their respective meals, one of them asked Shy for his Twizzlers. Shy said "F**k No!"

Again, there is no way that it is me that brings the strange out of people.

Tummy ache at 9:15 in the morning.

This morning started with a cup of coffee and icky rainy weather. Like the heavens are sad the Saints lost. It happens.

I get to work and I have a happy package. King cake with chocolate filling and cream cheese. So I have the smallest (OK.... not THE smallest) piece. It was great. not as sweet as some bakeries do.. no icing but lots of colored sugar... beads though... rat bastard. But then my Tutor (because now I have one) asked about what it meant, and I went "ummmmm.... I am not from your country." So here we go... brief and to the point

History of the Mardi Gras King Cake

All over the world, people gather for festive twelfth night celebrations. Twelfth Night is when the coming of the wise men bearing gifts to the Christ Child is celebrated. This celebration is called Ephipany, Little Christmas, or the Twelfth Night.

One of the most popular customs in this celebration of giving gifts is the baking of a special cake in honor of the three kings -a King's Cake. Hidden inside the cake is either a bean or plastic baby. The tiny plastic baby represents the Christ Child. The person receiving it must portray one of the kings. It was originally served only on January 6th (TwelfthNight), but is now celebrated here starting on the twelfth night after Christmas and continues through Mardi Gras, the day before Ash Wednesday (when the Lenten season begins) which is throughout the entire carnival season. It is said that the lucky person who gets the baby will have good fortune for the year.

The recipient then continues the festivities by having another party or bringing another cake. In the U.S., cakes are brought to offices, school, meetings and parties, and the person finding the baby in their piece must bring a king cake the next day. The first cakes were a simple ring of dough with little decoration. The New Orleans-style cake is brightly decorated with Mardi Gras colored sugars and icing and pieces of fruit with cinnamon inside, pecans, cream cheese, or any assortment of fruit fillings.

and count on Shy to point out... You know purple, green and gold don't go together anywhere else in the world, right?

Who cares? Happy Monday, even if it starts with a tummy ache from too much sweet... My last practice LSAT over the weekend gave me a 162. It's coming people, it's coming.

P.s. I didn't get the baby :)

P.P.s. as further proof that there is nothing in this world for free... Lemon has offered to rub my tummy (awwwww)..... For $1. Rat bastard part II.

"Make me smile"

Greetings from LA, ladies and Gentlemen. I am apparently loving Craig Ferguson.

Today is a great day for America. Why?

Because the ball is tomorrow night and this girl is not going. It is unfortunate that this really came down to taking a stand on what seems inherently wrong. I love Mardi Gras balls, you know I love a good ball. But I cannot ignore that a situation is racist because this time it does not include my race. Every person with a slight pigment (or even a lack there of) can recall a situation that they've been treated unfairly based on the color of their skin. The women of that krewe have the privilege of whom to invite to their party and can create limitations accordingly. I don't like it, I don't go. It has hurt my Jenny-Bear. She understands, but she is sad. Especially since she was the queen of this ball a few years back, and returned as a maiden. She is slated to join next year and then I will be at her table every year, with tickets mailed to me instead of picked up. I hope to have settled the nausea by then.

Last night I got my bum handed to me by Shy, in the form of a reprimand. I was studying at a book store with Bianca's sidekick... which while she was there, turned into me teaching her logic games. Shy passed through came to say hi and asked how long I'd been there. He listened to me teach and after she left, asked how long I'd taught. I told him and he put his magazines down and then put his head down.

Shy says he will no longer cut his words and handle me with kid gloves (like I am the child here!). Further, his criticism is that I cannot teach something I am practicing myself. My score needs to get better, in fact a lot better. I said "but she needed help" and he hissed "but you are not in a position to help her".

He is right.

He further says that if she needs my help, that I could offer it after I retake the exam and not 1 second before. He further yips at me that his contacts are at my disposal and that is a leap of faith, and that he would not try to help anyone just because.

But I see myself in her situation... Because I know there are lots of times that people don't have to help you, and they still do. and yet I still feel like a scolded child.

On to the title given by Lemon who has his own bits today. And how do I tell him that I cannot give him what I do not have.

ah. and the bear is a pic he sent me. it's me. it's sooooo me. yay her, and yay me. Why she is $80 I don't know.

Can a tumor pop?

Stay with me people, this is gross.

I am giving my Scotchie his antibiotics religiously. I am so OCD about him having his pills, you would think the tumor was close to MY bum. I am more consistent about his meds than I have ever been about anything I have ever had to take. Including iron tabs that will make me fall out in the summer if I forget to take them.

This morning there was a bit of blood on the mat outside. As he bounced around watching me take the dry-cleaning from Blanca he is leaving fresh stains. I FREAKED. I'm not going to lie, I am NOT ok about this. I call the vet- we make an early morning visit. (I put him in a make-shift diaper... I didn't want him licking it... but I also didn't want the blood in the jeep... I am a selfish awful mommiey). The tumor is infected and has moved to the status of "absessed" (sp?) and will be removed shortly. The meds didn't shrink sh*t. So the tail is probably going to go with it.

And the worst part is (because you knew there was one)... he is still the happiest stinking puppy. He still hops up and down to be pet and does the happy dance for food. I am almost happy that he is a dog and not human, I can't imagine the way the world would take advantage of one too sweet for his own good. Oh, and yes I know he is not the brightest crayon in the box... but I love him anyway.

Today I have a ribbon in my hair.

If you didn't know, and I have to assume that you do not, that means that I got a present today. When I was little and I got a present with a ribbon or a bow, my sister would put it in my hair or duct tape the bow to my shirt. Yes, duct tape. She did not want me to lose it.

So these days I still do it, but only with nice ribbons.

I got presents yesterday, and one today. Wanna know why? no reason.

Today Bianca's sidekick gifted me with our favorite lip gloss because she found it somewhere. And wrapped it in copier paper... it's pretty cute.

Yesterday I got the most wonderful package from Lemon. A pen with a silver tiger head from an unique jewelry shop in New Orleans, as a compliment to a beautiful Italian leather journal with a Fleur DE Lis (literally flower of the lily) from an even more exclusive stationary shop. I don't know what to say and thank you just seems to fall a bit short.

They are both nicer than I would ever buy for myself. The pen is heavier than I use and I would say heavier than I would ever use, but on the pages of the journal, it flows nicely. I am glad they've opened one such store here so that refills will be readily available.

I like presents. I especially love these. I wonder if I deserve them and what expectation they carry with them. Lemon adamantly says none. He got upset that I did not take the drive to come see him last night (will post awesome Mexican food with him on Tuesday in a bit) because I was not studying. It was a mini-freak out. He says he has that under control. ick.

Bama is a regular in circuit training again. Now in my heat every time. He butts into every conversation, it's funny. Friday I was gifted with an awesome candle from my Mexican (the "dog" in my heat... I am the Tiger. Little bit is the Mouse, and the fat girl that shrieks is the cat). Bama followed me around like a 6 year old asking who it was from. It is most funny because a mutual friend of ours sent me an excerpt from a book I now own (dunno if I have the balls to post which book or what context) that described his "type" perfectly.

In fact he was listed as "Mr. Perfect". Perfect in manners, charisma, polite, and seemingly considerate. Old women love him- he is the quintessential "nice guy". But his conversation lacks substance, as an 'interest' you are left with a feeling that something is lacking, which you think is crazy because everyone tells you how lucky you are that he likes you because he is perfect. His time and attention spent on you is merely a mirror for him and a reflection of himself. He is the guy who will go down on you for hours and you will be amazingly shocked to discover that he is impotent.

No comment.

"It's not a TUM-AH"

Actually, it is a tumor.

Apparently this week is an extension of last week. Butterscotch had a vet appointment for a check up and a check on what looked like a bite on his tail. The 'bite' turned into a tumor. I'm not kidding... stop laughing.

You will remember that this is my baby that had hip surgery and 8 weeks of rehab last year. Eventually the other hip will have to be done as well. The vet can pop his whole hip out and then pop it back in. He doesn't even flinch. wow.

So now he is on antibiotics, 2 at a time, 2x a day for 10 days. That is a lot of pills. Hopefully they will shrink this thing so it can be removed. Because if they remove it now, they will have to amputate his tail. Why him? I mean really why? He is the sweetest dog ever. Do you have any idea how hard it is to give an animal antibiotics? Not this animal... he just takes them because they are in my hand... and chews them up. though he does make a face (shut up! yes he does make a face!) because they taste bad.

The pic is my honey. and this is how sad I am for him.

:(

SAINTS WON...

Now we just need everyone else in the world to lose and the Saints will make it to the Superbowl for the 1st time ever... and hell will have officially frozen over. This goes up because I like it. Trust has nothing to do with moral courage. It occurs when we have nowhere else to turn, when we reach the end of our need to control. -Rodney Smith

How to write this?

Yesterday was not fun. It started with the mad search for my grandmother's gym. She works out with old people. She chose this over the gym I've paid for since about August of last year. It happens. Her playing with her homies took a little long so I did not get to visit B's new baby boy before going to work. Work started with the meeting to discuss how we shall all be evaluated and no severance comes with pink slips. We are all expected to do a bit more with a bit less and be amazingly grateful we are still employed. Then there was the discussion with the Gorilla. and that was a whole different kick in the head. Betty Boop tried to make it better with Junior Mints (I hate them but I did not have the heart to tell her). Lemon expresses that I am not expected to be perfect and we are loved because we are flawed and not in spite of them. Rounded out with Jenny-Bear. We met at a bar/restaurant and ate at the bar. By the end of the night some guy picked up our tab. (Dream killer says "Please at least act like you are surprised"). Since we still had the allowance K-Dawg gave us... we went some where else and ran into the Mean boy. Mean boy because I knew him years ago and he was mean to me. Life has not been good to him and that is unfortunate Amidst conversation, I am telling JB about the ball gown I got for Christmas. Will post how great Mardi Gras balls are later. JB says the krewe her family is a part of is holding their ball next Sat. and then she casually mentions that her mom happened to mention that I am welcome to bring anyone I wanted minus a mutual friend. He is black and that would offend some of the older ladies in the krewe who have an antiquated view of things. Antiquated is the new politically correct "racist". wow. and that hurts my heart. So much so that I do not want to go to JB's fam's ball this year. And maybe not ever again. No I do not have a "boyfriend". Yes there are several gentlemen I could choose from to escort me to such a lovely event. But the idea of asking any of them on any criteria beyond I should enjoy YOUR company more than any other is absolutely repulsive. Also, Jenny-Bear is equally flabbergasted and reminds her mother that I to am a minority... to which she is enlightened with "Yes, but she's acceptable". and how wonderful that the world is truly not any better than we hoped it would be.

In case anybody cares, Racism is still very much alive and well in LA.

We will get to that in a min. Today instead of Horror-scopes or telling you about yesterday's bad... or the attempts to make it better (which were wonderful) I have a copied email for you.

It is from the Boss lady in her guest appearance as Bat-girl. Today we took the walk and she bought me happy coffee (or coffee as big as my head... which is big) as I debriefed her on wanting to be anyone but me on yesterday.


I am glad that you are getting feedback. Everything in life is a stepping stone and you learn from every experience. It took courage to go to *bleep* and because of that you have a great support system. Constructive criticism is always good as long as you take it that way. Try not to take this as a negative it is something that you can work on and that you have control over. It is also just one persons opinion and not the opinion of the one who can ultimately help you. Keep breathing, take it in stride and remember that Rome wasn't concurred in a day!

She later edited herself to say that Rome was not "built" in a day but I love the original version. It made me laugh. I told her I hearted her words so much they were going up on the blog and I got this...

wouldn't that be great! see you have behavioral problems and i have brain farts!

Behavioral problems indeed. I like this post too much to sully it with the negative the title implies. That will be later.

...and now for the lesson in brevity.

Is is possible to have a good bad day?

I say brief because if I expound too much I fear I will lose my cookies.

I would like to say that my life is perfect. I would further like to tell you that I am perfect. I would like to be able to say that everything I have that is good is due to my awesomeness. Anything good I am lacking is because I am a victim of circumstance... and everything bad was simply not my fault. (period)

But I titled this blog to be honest. with you and with me. and today, I wish I were anyone but me. (so obviously what I would like to say just simply isn't so)

The Gorilla is not taking the "no" for the interview. He visited to ask if I'd gotten a call... I say no. He says that the guy I interviewed with conveyed that I displayed some type of behavior that was the result of the no.

I am mortified. Gorilla did not tell me what it was, but is adamant in defending me to the guy and that I will speak to the guy... and the guy has to tell me what it was. Gorilla said that he'd never seen me display whatever it was that was talked about... and I tried to stutter through my mortification that I was amazingly embarrassed, can not think of what it could be and would definitely consider this a learning experience and try to be better for it.

Which is the truth. But also I truly do not want to know what it is. and if the negative could have been defined by something I did... I truly want to burst into flames. and again... the pic is fitting.. Faith is a funny thing.

How do I ask the Gorilla for a letter of recommendation now? Aye dos mio.

If I can stand myself I will give you the good and further bad parts of my glorious Bad Day.

私にそれを送りなさい

The title is "Send it to me" in Japanese.

It is fitting that this be in Japanese because that is probably what it sounds like when it comes out of my mouth. I think I speak decent English; but I am open to the suggestion that I do not. I have said this 11ty billion times THIS WEEK. (yes, all of Mon, Tues, and now today equals 11ty billion)

People bother me all day long at work with their problems. If you reach me over the phone amidst the amazing beauracracy that this corporation is... I say "Well Done" to you and you should have some help. Whether or not I can help you, I'll look, I'll try... let's see what we can do. I mean why not? I get tons of other stuff sent to me that I don't know what to do with. and I am expected to work it out.

So they call and I say "send it to me" yet, somehow people hear "Please keep telling me about it... this is the most effective way to convey that you are right and the Dinosaur of a beauracracy is wrong".

The best part is... that I don't actually get the faxes with my name on it. My Villager is a bit too smart for that. She is apparently the only one that has figured out that if you did give me my "mail" there is a 1:3 chance I am expecting it... and even less that I will know what to do with it. And yet, at the end of the world, she will be the only one still working here.

But every once in a while it does affect some sort of positive response for the outside party involved. Like today. I got asked about something sent to me that made it to a whole different dept. I honestly said I vaguely remembered the call and I didn't know if the Order to dismiss was valid for what we had until I saw it. Drifter from the other side said it was and she took care of it. So well done to someone who got help.

Remind me never to forward my mail here. God only knows where it would end up. Also, don't call me at work. I am probably begging someone else to answer my phone.

Guess who came to Yoga...

I'll give you the email I received when I got back to work 1st. Take an educated guess... then I will tell you why today it is funny to sit back and watch the cast of characters as they fumble their lines.

I didn’t mean to put my bum in your face. I was running late, and that corner was the only place I could put my bum. If it makes you feel better, I was totally self-conscious about it the entire time. Ok, not really. When you moved your mat I was like "OOPS!"
Sorry,

1st of all, "bum" is used because I say bum. 2nd the yoga room has room for 2 rows of vertical mats. the entire back row (with me far left next to the door) was full. With only Daydream on the 1st row full center.

This boy plops his mat down right in front of me. It was most diconcerting. The best part is, when I moved over... so did he.

Also, he made it to circuit training last week and actually worked out with my heat. and the way we do... off the beaten path with more weight, more reps, and greater distances. Will.I.AM is laughing because this person is changing his work schedule to casually be available to work out when I do. How unfortunate that we have seen the cede of Bama, so so long ago.

And now he is Tom Sawyer walking a fence. Cute, but no cigar.

How long does it take for people's resolutions to fizzle?

I only ask because I got to the gym last night and saw 150 people pumped for circuit training (no lie!) and I found my way to my television and the OH vs. FL game.

I would have run instead but even my favorite set of treadmills were occupied. I have no patience, we've been over this. If it is possible, I have negative patience. I mean really. Eventually you people will just give up. It's a fact of life. I admire the faith you are psyching yourself up to have... and yes this year will be different for you, but maybe not. So how about in the mean time, you put your pretenses on hold and stop crowding my space. Or at least don't look at me stupid when I stalk you for that space!

P.S. K-dawg says that runners are the rudest people because on the track they don't say excuse me, they just run around you. Why do we have to explain to even him, that this is because if you run long enough, you understand how precious every bit of oxygen is and everyone else is lucky they are not getting pushed out of the way (which is only because that takes a lot of precious energy too).

Also, did anyone happen to notice that Florida won with the exact same score that LSU stomped Notre Dame with. Anybody? Anybody? Bueller? yeah gators.... and yeah tigers.

Is this why people read these bloody things?

There will always be obstacles in your life -- that's just a fact. Your attitude will make all the difference, so put a shine on your outlook! Whenever you need a lift in life, just remember all the successes you've had. Recall the smiling faces of the people who love you. By the way, today would be a great day to get back in touch with some of those smiling faces. Make a long distance call or two today.

So this is today's offerings from the stars. And massive kudos to the Malty Milt Head for sending it. The interview is officially a no. The Gorilla has offered the option of shaking someone down and not accepting the no. But the truth is, that was not the position we most wanted to be in. The goal for this year was law school. And as nice as it would be not to be poor for a second, even I know that would have been a lateral move.

So back to the drawing board and getting ready to bust the apps out. Like it's cool and like I know this is where I am supposed to be.

JD- cynicism aside, you remember what it was to want something more than anything else. So who loves you (and in turn will talk to me) and U of Illinois?

My hips hurt, my feet still hurt, I think I have last night's eyeliner on my pillow, and I definitely drooled...

So apparently I had a good night. The wedding was beautiful, through and through. The reading was the cliched (but still my fave!) 1st Corinthians. The Chapel was still made up like Christmas. The reception with it's fountain of chocolate was gorgeous. The groom's cake was a tower of Krispy Creme donut holes... it was adorable really. They love each other, and at least for one day- they believe. and it's nice.

The cake was something else. really wow. The band was awesome... and my mom danced like I've never seen her dance before. and without even 1 drink! We left right before the happy couple did.

On the way home Shy called to fuss about being played to the left for a movie. As I told him about the wedding, he laughs at me (shocking I know). He says I remind him of Grace from WIll and Grace in that I would crash other people's weddings for the food.

THAT IS SO NOT TRUE! Well, it depends on what they're having :)

Also, Friday night I got a drunk call from Jenny Bear in the drive-thru of Taco Bell. Complete with K-Dawg in the backgroung yipping at her. I want to make this my ringtone.

"You are so easy to figure out" and Small World

We'll start with Small World. So in conversation last night, Lemon and I figure out we have someone in common. The Boogie Man. Boogie Man because I have been running from the thought of him from the minute that I figured out he was not a person I needed to be around. And yet he still keeps popping up with miscellaneous cameos in people's lives. I.e. Madigan and now as the cousin of Lemon's ex-fiancee. WTF. and it reminds me that I do not live in a bubble. That 'Everything is Everything" (yeah Lauren Hill) and there is nothing solely and selfishly mine. ick.

In other news Blanca's license plate is in (oh the jeep's name is Blanca courtesy of mom). DK who sold me out on packing me down to smaller storage... or I had to go shopping w/Mom instead... asks if I wanted to wait until Monday to get.

He bonded with used car salesman while I got my Jeep and looked at Cherokee's because he is a biter. The little Accord that could is now deciding that it can not. So he is going to visit something they have on the lot, so he is a good candidate to go with.

As he tries to talk me into Monday he suddenly says... "Wait a minute. What is today and what did you have to do?"

and I say NOTHING!... ok a wedding at 6.

He says "So you don't want to go to the wedding and you want me to go with you to pick the plate up so you can use me as an excuse for being late or missing it entirely. You are not slick."

Rat bastard. He is exactly right.

Also, in orchestrating drinks so that David's bunny can have a conversation with the Overachiever, his brother mentions O is on a date with a 3L. and I say, "oh, because I know someone who is interested" and he says "let me guess, we are going to casually get them in the same room together and magically move over?" and I tried to say "NO! I just thought... maybe he would like to meet my friend". To which I got pat on my head and told that it was just fine.

Apparently I am not spy-girl material.

Ok, so I am officially tired of random weddings. I think I did enough time last year. Even with the promise of a chocolate fountain, and I do love a good fountain o' chocolate... I mean really? again? and the stupid reception is at the stupid country club. and you can only be friggen happy for everyone else so many times. jeez. and usually I love weddings.

On the plus side, I get to wear the beautiful dress from Nordstrom's in Houston. Yay. Off to shave my legs.

Juxtaposition

One random Friday I was proud to be an American. Bianca, her newbie, and I were going to lunch at my favorite "happy lunch" place and it is walking distance from my building downtown. The little trainers from India were here (please see outsourcing... otherwise know as... PLEASE PLEASE TAKE MY JOB!!). They were a nice enough group. There was one girl among 5 guys. Her name was Priya and she was the least paid (that looks funny). They were walking down the same street and I made my friends wait to say hello.

As they walked up jerk-wad was smoking a cigarette and put it down to flick. On the way down he burned Priya's hand... and continued talking like nothing had happened. They get to us and Bianca asks "Did you just burn her hand?" and jerk-wad says "No, she burned it herself. She should have moved." He was dead serious.

We had to move.

1. Bianca was two beats away from kicking him in his head... 2. So was I.

Fast forward to Priya and I are cool. She comes to see me, and she brings ME chocolate on HER birthday. (Read it again, it didn't make sense to me either). She is terribly darling, but I want her not to lay down to people that treat her like that.

Bianca says it is the American part of me that has a sense of entitlement to being treated fairly. Yay us.

On to the following Monday and the 1st part of such a titled position. Lemon sends me the Punjabi MC song- Mundial ke Bachan for those of you that know it, and says that this is the music I listen to. Of course it must be... Jay-Z sampled it and it must exemplify Indian music. I am not Punjabi. I have nothing against Punjabi's... it is a very rich culture and the Punjabi beats are the base of most very fun Indian music. But he didn't know, and didn't ask. and assumed he knew... Which brought me to thinking... I am glad I am not solely American with the arrogance of ignorance that seems to be a byproduct.

On to making it more relevant.

I read some one's blog where the blogger decried the "murder" of Saddam. Yes he was hung, but that was an execution for war crimes. Not to argue semantics... I'm just saying. She says he did good and bad things and the west only focused on the bad and made up a lot of stuff. Given our media is not fair but it is a bit more in that direction than say the media she is quoting. But she also occupies an interesting position. I did not fully appreciate this until I was flipping through a book "Naked in Bhagdad" something written by an NPR correspondent on the war in Iraq- I think it's mom's I don't know how I got it..

But there is a newer generation of displaced Iraqis who have only known their home land in war. there was Desert Storm, and a huge recession. Then like day after night... stuff started to look a little better. It was attributed to Saddam. Then the nasty Americans swooped in and took it away, and tried to make the county look like ours, which was based on an entire religion that is not theirs. So we are essentially saying, you did it wrong, you should not base your laws on YOUR religion, but on ours. You will not have anything we do not want you to have, but we will give you bits and pieces and tell you it is better.

Please remember I am just explaining a position and not saying it is mine. But I can understand the seeds of hate that we are not uprooting. and our next generation will have the entitlement of wanting to be treated fairly, and have everyone else have the same freedom. and try to bully other countries into having it without taking time and sensitive approach to understand them (arrogance and ignorance).

and I say all that to say this... We should stick to being evil capitalists and not try to go beyond to pretend to be otherwise. We are only shooting ourselves in both feet.

"TIGERS ROAR"

Guess who is a tiny bit excited about the outcome of last night's game. ummmmmm ME!!!!!

In other news, maybe I am getting better at this gambling thing... I won Shy's Range Rover. He has to give it, that was a verbal contract. I am about to lord it over him like it's cool. You do not come to my house and talk smack about my team. THAT just doesn't happen.

Geaux Tigers! (it's pronounced Go)

Quick, quick because I don't have time for this today.

1. I guess to properly catch you up... for those of you that don't know... I've officially met the Lemon Muffin. He took the drive. We had wine. I am too much of a woose to blog what Lemon dared me too. Suffice it to say it was not the least bit as awkward as I imagined it would be. Fast forward to New Year's Eve with Tourettte's in his city... he handled her well. Better in fact than I've seen any male handle her. She is still playing with the Christian but no longer trying to break him. :) He is sweet... but not to be taken literally. Why? because either he means what he says... which is possible but scary- especially since while he speaks Kiran, he may not fully understand Kiran. and no matter what I say, there will be somethings he is not willing to hear. Listen to the words I give you honey, trust me when I when I tell you they matter.

2. Somebody owes me $10. Bianca walked into work wearing a plaid version of the skirt that Tourette's wore on New Year's Eve. Which for NYE and a club was not inappropriate... I should stress that at some point we have all owned some version of said skirt... and yet, none of us have ever tried to pull it off as a young professional. So much so, we had to pull her into a conference room and preface with... "Honey, you are beautiful and you can wear that like no one else... but not here." and yet... something says this is still not as bad as it's going to get.

3. Yesterday's horror-scope manifested itself in something I already knew. But maybe not the extent of. Mom is giving Kris money, and she is blowing it. But like the bloody thing says, maybe I am supposed to be more compassionate. The funny thing is that I figured it out while talking to muffin. I thought I covered it well and he still sensed that I was pissed. and gently nudged me into not being a jerk. Maybe he is also good at handling me. ick.

4. Apparently there is a difference between someone cooking for you and someone feeding you because they were cooking for themselves. I am enlightened to this by Mini-Nugget, who the guys tell me has no "game" but somehow pulls girls 20 deep in Baltimore. He is a bit of a dork, and 20 even impresses me... and I feel a bit prudish as sitting at lunch the idea of girls are passed around like a side dish. and yet none of the guys that came with have managed to let go of their romantic idealism. but how do you discern in 20 seconds if the person in front of you is a moment or a lifetime?

right, so tickets to tonight's game didn't happen... maybe it is just as well as I would be worthless tomorrow.

I'm still gonna wear my jersey.

Yeah tigers.

Horror-Scopes

The Malty Milt Head sent me this, this morning.

Today what someone tells you is not going to be the full truth. He or she is applying a candy coating -- saying that things are a lot rosier than they really are. To get the information you're seeking, you'll have to separate fact from fantasy and determine what is really going on. This will require a heavy level of critical thinking -- and a generous dose of compassion for what someone else is going through right now.

It is his (and since our b-days are 5 days apart... my) horoscope. He reads it religiously every morning, and sends me the good ones. I don't so much believe in this stuff... but reading something like that makes you look at every person you come in contact with and say "Is it you? are you blowing smoke up my butt? Are you having a hard time?"

icky.

Hopefull 51... 1

Happy New Year and Stupid wonderful Lemon Muffin. Oh, and stupid warm fuzzies. ick. Back to the list, and let's try to finish this up. 51. I love Pineapple. I love Pineapple soda (slightly less than pear though) I love Pineapple martinis, all pineapple, all the time. with chicken, shrimp, on pizza... all about it. 50. I used to be addicted to a certain soap opera in early college, so the only time I would let myself watch it was on the treadmill at the gym. 49. When that stopped working I read stupid women's magazines... When I tired of the same drivel... 48. I now read men's magazines on the treadmill... Esqire, Maxim, Details and Fortune when I remember to buy one. 47. I hate the gender stereo types the differences between the magazines create, further, and reinforce. 46. I learn more from men's mags than women's 45. I hate to run. 44. I love having a fire in the fireplace. I love it so much I will not leave the house. I don't care if it is 80 degrees outside. I still see the need for a fire. 43. I take really hot showers. 42. I cannot stand cold showers...even in the middle of the summer. 41. I've stayed in my jammies all day today. I even went to the store in them. 40. Sometimes I drool when I sleep. The water buffalo said sometimes I snored. 39. Bear in mind he is the water buffalo because HE snored... so I don't think he should throw stones. 38. This past New Year's Eve I came face to face with grieving for people that are no longer in my life. 37. and then tourette's says things like, "You really don't have to know any- mutha- f-ing body. and she is right. every person you have in your life is a choice. and i don't regret mine. 36. I love potatoes. all things potato. yeah potato. 35. I wonder how much we really change... I am afraid of the same basic things I always have been. 34. I am afraid of being left/forgotten. and waiting forever for something that will not come. 33. I have the worst taste in music, ever. 32. I don't own anything I could not stand to lose. To be fair there is lots of my stuff that I love, but having to pack down and let go of so much... there isn't anything that I could not say "F it" 31. I think the war in Iraq was bloody wrong. and I thought that from day 1. 30. I think Bush is a monkey president. A monkey that could sign him name would have done better. 29. I am registered to vote as "undecided". 28. I am too much of a bleeding heart to go into politics and I recognize this. 27. One day I will write a book. not today. probably not tomorrow. But I feel that my writing now is a bunch of false starts to what I would want my life's product to be. 26. It is important to me to have such a product. 25. In a way I will never stop apologizing to mere raja. 24. He is why I have to be a better person. 23. I only sing in the car. and only when I am by myself. I am tone deaf... even though I sang in my school's choir for the longest. 22. Dangerous Beauty is my favorite movies of all time. It is what I rent when I am sad. 21. I have to buy new pants for work. While I am not really losing much weight... stuff is shifting and my pants don't fit anymore. They are falling off and it doesn't looks so good. 20. I want children. 19. at least 2. 18. Children for me means marriage. 17. I don't quite see how marriage will happen. Maybe it will. 16. If not, at 35 I'm going to adopt. 15. Probably 2... but at least a year apart, and the 1st will choose the 2nd. 14. My mind is constantly spinning. I thought that was how everyone worked... but apparently there are times when some one's head is completely empty. 13. I am completely jealous. 12. Every woman should only go to a stylist that loves her hair. It makes such a difference between a cut and actually getting your hair done. oh and Gabe loves my hair :) 11. I hold my grandmother's hand everywhere now. 1. it makes her walk faster and 2. She starting to stumble and it scares me. 10. I will lose my cookies the day she dies. If you love me, come find me, because I promise I will not be alright. 9. Same goes for mom. 8. Shitty as it sounds... I've been expecting my sister to die for a long time now. The day it happens won't be much of a shock. I mean it will, but not really. 7. I am better at long distance relationships. 6. I am an amazing klutz. 6. part II. amazing. 6. part III seriously, I can walk into file cabinets. 5. No one laughs harder at me than I do. 4. Me cooking for another person is the greatest extent of my love. 3. I can cook, and well... but I usually don't. I feel like these should be good.. as they are the last 2 2. I am very English when I am tired or drunk. 1. Potential is a word I have heard all my life. All it has done is made me feel squashed by the weight of people's expectations... and fear failing and letting so many people down. Quite a big blog. It was a lot easier than I thought it would be. How funny that my sections are mixed up so that there is not a coherent list. and yet, I would say that is fitting. Hugs and kisses, people.