if I were a grizzly bear...

I'd smack people with my massive paws. why? because they keep talking to me.

1st day back to work and not doing so well. my back has decided to use up the muscle relaxer I gave it this morning. So now I sit here in pain... and I feel like a big fat angry grizzly bear.

full LSAT on Sat... 158 F*CK! but I get the break down on Sunday... 76 and 81% in most sections.... in Reading Comp (usually my best) I some how crapped up and got a 46%. So it was due to one bad section. OK I'll take that.

theme song:DJ Ötzi - Hey Baby Club Mix

Maybe try gym today... DK is fussing at me. Yoga Tuesday, Friday, and Sunday last week. but I was miserable doing nothing. Any minute now this is gonna get better.... any minute.

Moms are great....especially mine.

Have I told you about my mom? I believe I have... and yet I think it bears repeating... she is wonderful. Not to say the she does not have any faults. She is a fantastic weirdo in her own right. But she is 1st and foremost... and overarchingly... above all a mom.

It is humbling to know that since she had my sister and I, most of her decisions in life have been around how it would impact us. My sis and I were so sheltered that we thought that was how every mother was. Not so. She divorced my dad because he was an alcoholic and he beat her... and it was not a good environment for us. We had no idea that when we moved to LA we were poor... because my mom is great and decided we did not need to know.

Considering the awesome love that we both came from... it further makes me want to slap the living hell out of my sister... but every boyfriend and even her husband already does.

On to wonderful moms. She worked hard her whole life, my sis moved out when I was 15 to back to NYC for good. When I hit my senior year in high school and it was clear I was going to college, mom started to travel. She goes everywhere. This year India, last year Ireland, Las Vegas, some miscellaneous Michigan for the tulips...etc. I now have to tell her specifically what to bring me... or she will buy me crap on purpose. She jokes that her friends ask what the "mission" is i.e. my present that they are seeking out... is.

I put off telling her about the LSAT and fully telling her about work and apps and lack of focus. I was really down on myself and despite the sweet words of the people around me, I felt like a failure. Like I'm never going to get to a decent law school and I would live work and die in mediocrity. A bit dramatic I know. and with her trip coming up and an issue w/visas and packing, she was a bit busy to. We talked but not really.

Then she came back and of course I got tons of stuff. and then a couple of days later mom made a big deal of me having a Saturday breakfast with her. (I used to LOVE Saturday breakfast w/ mom when I was little. because she worked so much to make ends meet, we spent a lot of time at baby-sitters. so sat she always made special breakfast. pancakes because i loved them like my favorite story book detective Nate The Great). We break-fast and she asks the hard questions.... this is how it went...

M: How did your test go?
KL: I did worse. I dropped like 4 pts.

M: How is that going to hurt your apps?
KL: For the most part it doesn't. I wanted better, but every school on my list takes the higher

M: What did you do differently to prepare?
KL: I hired a tutor and tested again, again and literally again

M: I am sorry you were disappointed. but I am still proud of you.
KL: I feel like I failed

M: Have you thought about doing it again?
KL: It was so hard, I don't know if I have it in me.

and she moved on to different subjects. I tell her about work and she sympathizes and stresses the need to have a plan before quitting and reiterates that I am responsible enough to know I need to cover my bases and she is available for more breakfasts.

That is the way my mom is. She is supportive and offers opinions...sometimes subtly, sometimes not. She wants me to LSAT again, and she doesn't want me to quit until i have another job or an acceptance to law school. She is right. and I don't feel small telling her.

As my back is healing, and I am out of work for a week she is spending more time with me. This morning was not so good, I decided to try not taking any meds last night and this morning I am reminded of how stupid that was. Mom says "Dr. so and so asked about you and I told him about the test and the apps... he says his son took the Princeton Review. I know you did Kaplan, but there is the whole guarantee... If you don't do better we get the money back and if you do, it was money well spent." I say... but it is $1200 and I don't have that to spend... much less on a maybe. and mom says... you have a MasterCard (which is really her card on my name). It is the safety... and this is for educational purposes... so you'll call them... you can do this.

and I am reminded that if I was a stump of a person, no arms and no legs... and my mommiey said that I would be alright... I would believe it. and I am lucky to have it.

I spend waaay too much time at the gym.

The pic is a variation of what I received today. I have a ribbon in my hair, because today I got flowers. The difference is mine is a dozen red roses w/a dozen tulips (red and white).

Want to know who they are from? hmmm.... let's start with why they are here. Thursday night after I left work I had tea with the Dream Killer to discuss his impending B-day (which was Friday) and gently get him acclimated to the idea that the best he was going to get was dinner with me... in actuality, Overachiever, David the Magnificent Weirdo and yours truly had pulled together a surprise party of damn near 50 people.

Last year his birthday really was just dinner with me. He is not so opposed to this idea and jokes that maybe when I drop him home I could buy him a hooker. I say "we'll see". I leave him and venture home. I stop a red light, the Wrangler behind me stops at the red light, and the car behind him decides the light does not apply to her.

She slammed into him which slammed into me. (for the love of freakin Pete! I have had Blanca for 6 months! show some freakin respect, what- were you raised in a barn?!) So.... I spent the night in the emergency room with my new friends.

Since I'd talked to Dream Killer last he is 1st person I call (after 911 obviously) and he shows up in a rather charming guest appearance as MIGHTY MOUSE. He negotiates the car and talks to the police as I am crawling in the grass trying to help the guy in the Wrangler, who is not doing so well. EMS shows up and are in my face screaming about the hospital and I can't make heads or tails of what they are saying. I crawl further back into the grass and do what every awesome Bond-girl does when she is disconcerted and possibly hurt... I called my mommiey.

Moms (p.s. I have the best bitty-bitty moms on the planet) says take the ambulance to her hospital and now please. DK stays w/my car and continues to talk to Wrangler's roommates whom I called on my cell and meets us at the Emergency Room.

Mommiey is at the door when I get there, DK is right behind me. Everyone was hurt worse than I was, I am low man on the totem pole, I understand this and take no issue. I had a panic attack and threw up my tea and cookie and still hyperventilated. Mom got a random doc to give me a shot of Phenagen (sp?) pronto. That made the rest of the night fly by. Also, one of the case techs that works under my mom diverted another doc my way... she cleared me 1st and sent us to x-rays. that shaved a couple of hours off of our quality time in ER, right there. Moms tells me that she scrubbed in on the total hip replacement for docs mom and doc has always been nice to her because of it. Yay everybody loves my moms.

They took x-rays. Nothing broken, gave me muscle relaxers and pain meds that knock me on my bum. I went home and slept for about 3 days. Obviously no party for me. and we had a good couple of friends in from out of town that I didn't get to see.

Dk was still trying to get me out of the house... even for a milkshake, but I was too incoherent. He was sufficiently surprised. Sunday night I was awake enough to start returning phone calls. Funny thing, the only people I told was DK, mom, and my boss. and yet so many people knew. You wanna know how I know that they know (er?). Moms is telling me who stopped by the house and I've gotten so many phone calls... it's really nice... I am mostly ok. just the muscles in my back move without me.

I saw my Orthopedist yesterday who says the same, nothing broken- just need time to heal. He gives me this week to rest and I have to see him again on Monday to see if I am out for another week... and we are still looking at my knees and hips... he uses words like "cortisone shots" and "MRI" and I say "no hablas englais".

So Little bit from the gym calls me this morning. The mexican called tonight. It is so sweet. I tried yoga today which was dumb. I've been trying to cut my dosages in 1/4 so I can slightly function. I promised myself I would take it easy in yoga... but again I am slightly competitive. and my back did not appreciate it. I wake up from post lunch nap... and I have flowers... and they are beautiful!

Even the ribbon is beautiful! Know who is on the card? "Mexican, Little Bit, Will I am, Bama, Pseudo-Daydream, and the Sprinter I train with". and I am humbled as I tell DK... and start to write my thank you notes. Wrapped up in my heating pad, I blush at you.

SexyBack

...I'm bringing sexy back. JT. It is also the theme song for today. Why?

I had a bright (i.e. not looking so bright) idea to try step aerobics yesterday as a cardio before circuit and boxing. Ummmm I remember why I no longer step... and haven't since I was fresh out of high school. It may be a cardio great thing... but it's boring as all get out... very reminiscent of every aerobics class from the 80's and in contrast to Circuit phenom... it's not at all motivational.

So I quit before they hit the mats, it was just too awful. I get ready for circuit... here comes the Mexican. He is forever in love with some little white girl (that is not racist... it's true). He calls his little crushes his "Lattes". He is going to get the 19 year old that works at the front desk to hook him up with one of her friends... the trade off is it will be a double date w/Bama. I have to stop myself from a gag reflex. Again it feels like I've been kicked in the stomach. Whatever, he is not mine he can do whatever he wants.

Here comes Little Bit. She is the only other girl in my group. She is now a personal trainer. She is petite and getting very defined muscle tone in a non-feminine way. She is P-days girlfriend. She cut her hair very short. Someone told her she had muscles like a man and looks like a lesbian w/her hair cut short.

What a testament to how people's bodies are different. She asks why I get longer and leaner and she gets bigger... I say less weight more reps, more cardio... she is there every day all day... I got 2/3 days for about an hour and 1 hour of yoga w/ sporadic running when I have time.

We whisper in the corner and lick our egos. She asks why mine, I tell the truth "stupid boy that I might have stupid liked, never acted right, dates other people and has yet to realize I am the Sun". She shows me the girl who said it too her. That girl is fat. I have to laugh. I tell Little bit that while we try to build up all women to be the amazing goddesses they are... if you jab at me, that is free reign to knock you smooth the f*ck out.

Bunny says I get no sympathy and it's time to get over this sh*t. She is right.

So little bit and I say... "I'm bringing SexyBack". It is the theme song and dammit it is the truth.

and we run... and I beat everybody for the 1st time freakin EVER! Little bit and all of the boys! and no hyper ventilating. (now we just need to beat Bama and I will feel my spite fulfilled). The Mexican laughs as I get high fives for rocking out and P-Day screams "GET SOME".

at the end of boxing... Bunny and I fix our worlds with Mexican food and Margaritas. all in all good night.

De partout...jusqu a vous

It means "From anywhere...to anyone" in French.

It is the stamp on letters mailed by Canada Post. and I like it muy much.

It just seems to make an arbitrary letter a bit more friendly, doesn't it (mais non? if you like)

This morning is shaping up nicely with a ying-yang mocha (dark and white chocolate). I had to visit the gourmet coffee shop at the bottom of super scary law firm across the street. I found a paper from my alma mater and sat for a min, plus the bar is beautiful.

The story I read explored the negative potential of Myspace and Facebook. People put info like class schedules, lists of all of their friends, and everything they do with the whens and wheres... all with pics of you and your people... and you are surprised it sqawns the crazy.... Really?

I would like to offer my opinion on the matter.... ready?

Freakin DUH!

also, to be less of anti-socialites, Tourettes and I are forcing ourselves to make random eye contact w/strangers. Hers begot this text:

T: I saw the finest guy comin out the libary (i'm not fixing typos :) and i tried eye contact and he smiled and i busted out laughin, couldn't do it

mine? i locked w/some random guy about to cross the street in opposite direction, figured out he was old- like mid 40's. He starts pretending he's doing arm exercises and stretching. WTF? is that what I inspire in people?

Dammit Dream Killer!

... does it seem like soon we will have a whole set? We very well may.

Before we begin, I have discovered the awesome awesome I-don't-want-to-date-you kryptonite. Wanna know what it is? really? are you ready? You probably already know... I knew it too... I just didn't realize HOW effective it is at squashing any conversation about it. Not to say that it is one sided- I run from it too.

LET'S TALK ABOUT THIS

That's it. How do I know it works? Lemon didn't and still doesn't want to talk. Bama said talk and I grabbed my stuff and ran and still can't bring myself to tell him I wanted to talk about it, Bunny wouldn't talk to David, Tourettes won't talk to the GoodChristian... and most recently DK pitched and last night he brings it up... I say talk and he says "Nevermind I take it off the table"

but he did also say that we have to stop being each other's safety. Which is inconvenient for me. I understand it, and many times I have sucked it up and gone to things by myself... because it is so much better than going with an inappropriate date...and who knew that being a non-f*ck-up in public is not a given. It is a very attractive quality in a person.

So Dk was an awesome date. He wears a suit well, he networks and talks to people flawlessly... and I smile, nod, speak when spoken to... and had 2 crown and cokes to take the edge off. I was petrified. Dk knows this and makes a point to leave me for increasing amounts of time to force me talk to strangers. People I work with are taken aback that I have the potential to be socially awkward. It is freakin scary!

and boy did I dodge a bullet with the investment banker. He was a business banker who talked about all 900 of his accounts and that he handles revenue up to 1 million dollars. As I am trying to smile and look interested, I realize he is not looking at me.... he had a lazy eye... and because I am a jerk the forced smile became an attempt not to make it obvious that I am fixed on that eye.

We left shortly after dinner as DK is close to finals.

We are not going to be safeties... except the overachiever who passed the bar may be privately sworn in by the chief justice of LA's state supreme court. and Dk says "Wear something nice in case it comes to fruition, you are expected to attend". nice.

Dammit David!

So I get back from another pointless meeting to the email and v-mail from Bunny that David officially has a girlfriend. and it is not Bunny. Ouch. I told her it was coming (click here for a refresher) I can't tell you how my heart hurts for her. Because we've all been there. Some of us more recently than others. Jeez.

I understand it from his side... the girl he is now dating is very very nuturing and all about him.

And yet... I cannot help but think all of this has a little something to do with the fact that David's ex-girlfriend whom he thought he would marry- just got married. Dk and I knew, so did a bunch of David's friends and we were all kind of looking around like "who is gonna tell him?" You just never know how the Magnificent Wierdo is gonna take something like that. Bunny said his parents got an invite so that is how he found out.

...and we exhale a collected sigh of relief.

The pic is J-lo. Duh. I think she's beautiful. and the pic is applicable because as much of an amazing woman... even she couldn't make it work with guys who just aren't for her. and that is the philosophy we are going with. Because I have no idea what I'm doing wrong. So f* it then.

Not tonight, but tomorrow- Bunny and I are hitting the bags. Wraps, pads, and the smaller punching bags. Why? because if she doesn't get it out this way... lord knows where it will go. Maybe I need it too.

Dk pitched again on Sunday. I said let me think about it. My friends are smacking me in the head. Apparently I was supposed to just blurt the "no" out. And I call him back yesterday... he is crying about a dr. who may be able to fix his vitiligo. by the way he has very noticable vitiligo. and I cannot imagine him any more arrogant than he already is. Which what the correction would contribute to.

Also, my investment banker stole someone else's ticket (because I sort of hinted hat I might be too busy to attend if I couldn't bring a security blanket of my own date. oops :) so Dk is my safety.

This sucks. Now I will lose my bestest guy friend :(

But I also don't think I should get into a relationship if the thought of it makes you vomit a little.

p.s. (where ARE my manners?) Theme Song: Avril Lavigne- Girlfriend. Avril Lavigne - Girlfri click it. love it.

4/16/07- 2 of ?

Not on the list... but it needs to go up.

You know why girls don't want to look overly interested in a guy? Because we are afraid of looking like Jaws (like my Jaws... not Jaws w/a trademark). Case in point.

Thursday (or Friday, I forget) I had to text Bunkles "Don't be mad at me because this is your fault". He immediately calls back.

He asks what I did... I gave Jaws his #... because he was out for a week and she has asked me about him everyday... and then she asked if he still had a Chicago #... and how could I lie?... so I caved and gave her his #. He says he will just avoid her. She is under the impression they are close... I don't correct her because it is not my business.

Before Bunkles decided to behave himself in a relationship, he had a LOT of fun. We are hella cool... he tells me all about it. He and Jaws boinked and she has been messed up about him ever since. He casually steps to the side. It's like watching a train wreck... and she really believes he is just around the corner from asking her out.

See? We never know if we are being side-stepped... and that happend like maybe almost 2 years ago. I am sad for Jaws. .. but if I were a guy I wouldn't be interested either. She is an angry, bitter little cuss

anyway. I am glad he is back because I have had to walk the 2 blocks to my car everyday! and that is just wrong.

4/16/07- 1 of ?

The title is today's date... and indicative of this is expected to be one of several posts.

We have lots to discuss, in shorts...

1. This was the repeater weekend. People just do NOT GO AWAY. Ever.
2. Why do we all still have a caveman mentality when it comes to rain?
3. My movie was fantastical.
4. Moms are great. Especially mine.
5. My precious precious sunshine is precious precious and sunshine.
6. Blanca is having her oil changed... and apparently something was recalled on her. (!)
7. Banquet is turning into a blind date. There is just no way that this is going to be good.

In descending order...

7. Business blah-blah hall of fame banquet is tomorrow. It has something to do w/ Junior Achievement and corporate sponsorship... My awesomely awesome bureaucratic dinosaur of an employer has a table, and I have official tickets. I meant to have a real date... but then I remember that I have no prospects (and this is not at all depressing!). Dream Killer is trying not to make if obvious he is making fun of me... and offers himself. I reserve the safety, secretly hoping that ANYBODY will pop up before hand. (anyone taller than me that is public friendly and wears a suit well... no dice)

This morning my Community Relations Director emails me. They overbooked and have an investment banker that is to be honored without a place at our table. I was the only one too scared to be in a room with so much networking potential that I needed a date. She asks if it is ok if investment banker is my date.... ummmmmmmm How do I say "No!" so I say it's ok. Oh this is not going to be good.

6. That's kind of self-explanatory. I am about to go pick her up. I love that thing, it is really sad how wonderful she is. Even Chicago knows how much I love this. He still says "So I will see you and the Jeep in May?" He sent her an E-card. how cute.

5. My god-daughter can say "DeeDee". She is sweet and looks just like a precious moment's doll! I finally found a minute to see her yesterday. She stretches to hug me and holds out her hand for mine! and I melt. *sigh*

4. is gonna be a bigger post. Gotta go get the baby.

If you can do it, I can do it.

Bianca passed the bar! 3rd time is apparently a charm. So did the overacheiver.
Darling Ricky was a no. I think he's done it like 3-4 times now. (Update: Dk has corrected me its more like 5. and it's about $500 a pop to retake.)He hasn't even conditioned. and I feel stupid for agonizing over the peat and lesser re-peat of the LSAT.

Further update, I think I was set up in finding this out. I was going to pull up the pass list on line and DK advised against it. He says let people tell me if they want me to know. I got a text from Bianca and got excited and texted Darling Ricky. He sent back a simple "no" and I felt horrified and sad. So I asked if he conditioned. Again "no" so now I've made it worse. I ask if he wants to come downtown w/some friends later for an outdoor concert... I'll buy him a drink. again "NO". Now I feel like I've made it all worse. Ricky calls DK who texts me to tell me about the depression Ricky is about to slip into. and I further feel bad. Know what DK is most concerned about? Lunch.

and like the title suggests... this should be the kick in the head to get my sh*t done. If they can do this, I can do this. And do it well.

That is where we are people. Back on track. Planning for Costa Rica and we're gonna get the apps out. Somehow there is more to life than being stuck in neutral, hiding in one's shell. Which is what I have done for too long. I got this. You got this? I got this.

Life Takes Visa....

or maybe American Express?...For Everything Else There's Visa/Mastercard. For all of those moments that are just priceless.

*just in case you needed further proof that I am the world's biggest dork*

Really quick because I have to hurry to wait for yet another pointless meeting... 2 stories.

1. One Day I will not care so much what other people think.

Case in point, in Barnes and Nobles, my friendly completely commercial book seller. I can't find a decent thing to buy unless you go with some title to look for then you want to buy everything else... and I want a new book. I have nothing to read.

As I have no purpose... I am meandering aimlessly. I see the Barack Obama (sp?) books that are all the rage and the look too heavy for my wandering mind. I see Mandela's offering and I am ashamed that it too looked too serious.

Know what I ended up with? "Everyone You Need to Know" by the author of "The Devil Wears Prada". Chic Lit. It took me an afternoon to read. it was bubble-gummy and exactly like the Devil. So it exemplifies the genre it defines. and also the lack of intellect that I brought with me.

The second is "An Enduring Love" by Farah Pahlavi. The former queen of Iran. Her memoir. Interesting enough, but also exactly what you would expect from a first lady. It looked interesting enough, especially coming from the perspective of one so close to what was supposed to be a Civil Revolution from a stagnant Middle Eastern country. Er?

The last being a book of goofy quizzes and what they say about you. Psycho babble. Tourettes is full of the "finding oneself" and I thought it would be funny to do on a Friday w/ pizza and beer.

I go to pay and stop short. The guy checking people out is a Philosophy major. I know because he told me when I bought something on Socrates. He is under the impression that I am smart. I look at the books in my hands and carefully weigh how this will change his opinion. Why do I care? He's ok-looking but not that cute, not that I am trying to pick up someone that works in a bookstore... and would it have bothered me if it was girl? hmmmm... dunno.

So a newer little guy catches my eye and opens a register to check me out. I FLOAT over to him. Happy to have avoided explaining my purchases. He says "You look rather happy!" and I tell him my story anyway. He laughs and says "whew... you were close! Did you want me to have him check you out?" and I say no thank you.

In other news...

2. I am not spending $ un-neccessarily because I am going to find a way to go to Costa Rica. Fine tune my spanish and learn how to surf. Plus I have bathing suit from this year and last year that haven't gone anywhere. and if I don't see a beach soon... my head will explode.

It is important to me as a person. To my developement. and I really really wanna! So I have to save the chicken-feed they pay me with. However, I bought these shoes on-line and somehow this website found it fit to email me suggestions from my personal shopper. Sounds crap, right?

Except that the suggestions are beautiful! and everything in me is screaming that I need these shoes! why? because I can walk in bond-girl heels, and I have suits! and they would look smashing. and the pic is only two of the beautiful offerings by Michael Kors! and they are $100... and should be closer to $350!

But no! I have the discipline of a bond girl! I am going to Costa Rica and that takes money. or visa. Whichever.

The Capacity to Forgive

During the "afternoon drive to the gym" I am talking to the Dream Killer.

He brings up an ex-girlfriend. She is Bangladeshi. She is the girl he thought he would marry. She cheated and left him for a Bangladeshi guy her parents liked. That guy cheated on her and beats the hell out of her. She still calls the dream killer occasionally. He used to answer, but talking to her brings drama from her boyfriend.

On my end... I never asked him not to talk to her, even when he mentioned her damn near every day. One day he just stopped. He said something a bit later and I said "There we are, I almost started to miss her" and he realised how much he talked about her. From a woman's point of view, you want another woman to have an out to a bad situation. If he said he was over her and I was trying to be with him, I had to trust that. To his credit, that never bit me- and he has always been worthy of that trust. Which is how I can tell anyone that I am over it and there are no complications and know it to be true.

But in talking about her, he no longer talks to her, and says he no longer will. I have known him for years and I know his capacity for forgiveness better than anyone. We have definitely tested that in each other. But for whatever reason, we do. and we can. and that he can not with her really made me go "huh?"

This is an email Bat-girl sent me a while ago. and it goes up because I can see it, and maybe there was a time that I could not.

Some of it has been taken out for the sake of brevity. Let me know if you want the full thing.

I Believe

I believe-
That we don't have to change friends if we understand that friends change.

I believe-
That no matter how good a friend is,
they're going to hurt you every once in a while and, you must forgive them for that.

I believe-
That true friendship continues to grow, even over the longest distance.
Same goes for true love.

I believe-
That it's taking me a long time to become the person I want to be.

I believe-
That you can keep going long after you can't.

I believe-
That we are responsible for what we do, no matter how we feel.

I believe-
That either you control your attitude or it controls you.

I believe-
That regardless of how hot and steamy a relationship is at first, the passion fades and there
had better be something else to take its place.

I believe-
That money is a lousy way of keeping score.

I believe-
That sometimes the people you expect to kick you when you're down, will be the ones to help you get back up.

I believe-

That sometimes when I'm angry I have the right to be angry, but that doesn't give me the right to be cruel.

I believe-
That just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have.

I believe-
That no matter how bad your heart is
broken the world doesn't stop for your grief.

I believe-
That our background and circumstances may have influenced
who we are, but we are responsible for who we become.

I believe-
That just because two people argue, it doesn't mean they don't love each other, And just
because they don't argue, it doesn't mean they do.

I believe-
That you shouldn't be so eager to find
out a secret. It could change your life forever.

"I've been to the dark side, I've eaten the candy!"

Sound-byte come courtesy of Tourettes.

We spent the 4.2 miles of the lakes discussing the lack within ourselves. and how unfortunate that it may be the very same lack.

Which brings to light an interesting question... Is our issue the same because our approach is the same? Are we drawn to each other because of these similarities or have we fed off of each other to create similar difficiencies?

Bottom line: we are trying to be better. and better in having and keeping relationships. all relationships, not just romantic ones.

Why? because the Church she works for held a Love & Respect conference... and she has the tapes. and is explaining how men and women think differently. and we are figuring out that we do not know anything.

She further says that while I may think I "put it out there" for a certain someone... I ran when he said "talk" and that was not good. She calls me petulant that I think he is supposed to recognize that I am the Sun. Because he is formidible star in himself. and lots of people may think he is great also... and be willing to express it better and throw it out there with more effort than I do.

Sound familiar? Like David's gripe about Bunny... and why she is not his bunny. So bunny has the problem we do? I dunno.

Did Dream Killer call it when he points out an entitlement complex? Well how much stock can we really put into what DK says. He ripped me a new one yesterday. Apparently, though I am spending more time at the gym- and stuff has moved... I am not healthier. I didn't change my eating habits, I have more grey hairs and am more stressed, I am skittish and unsettled, and haven't finished my personal statement or apps. Hence I lack focus. and he thinks I'm losing too much weight and says the point of going to the gym was to be healthier.

I say "No, no I just wanted to look a certain way". He lost his cookies right about there.

He further goes on to say that is what he loved about his last g/f (though he swears they weren't "dating"). He says that while she was no me... she was comfortable with her, and that made her slightly more attractive. Ok, I get that everybody is incredibly comfortable with themselves except for me. So the other burning question is how do I get there?

In other news... the tables have officially flipped. On a certain someone... she says "call him. talk to him" I say... I can't. and I can't. How can I? How could I? He is supposed to make over effort. Not me. (and besides... is it not glaringly obvious that I don't know what I'm doing?!)

I feel like I sound like and idiot and today blogging isn't helping.

But the point we are trying to get to is clearing the hurdle to actual boyfriend. Why? ummm mom bought me a wedding sari and I feel just a little bit like a loser that I can't get there in my own time. Maybe I'm just now doing this right. What sucks worse, is that I am spoiled when it comes to guys. Again, as much as you know women who meet all the worst guys... granted I've met them too... but my ratio for princes is just to great for me not to find one that fits. ick.

I need a new hobby.

err.. I mean j-o-b.

This is today's project. To Become an M&M (click that to get there)

This is what I came up with. and I don't think she looks like me. Dream Killer says I didn't need to become an M&M because I'm the one that's nuts. Stupid pun.

Her name is Princess Kiran Esquire. and she has bond girl heels. and a pink aura.

No sell-outs here.

I imagine this is what swagger must feel like, and if it is... then apparently I have some.

How to set this one up? This has been an interesting weekend. Through a benedryl, aleve cold and sinus, and musinex haze. In other news... Mom and grams are back from India... Mom bought me a wedding sari. Granted it's only one of 3 (white, yellow, and intricate dark red and gold- i got the third)... but imagine your mother buying you a wedding dress... just because. (oh this is SO not good).

So mom has been hinting about the "soon it will be time for you to marry", and I politely remind her that while she is free to express an OPINION it is still my choice, and I can say no to anyone she throws at me.

PhD from a while back is in town for a week. He leaves on Wednesday. Need a refresher? Click PhD.

Mom was pulling hard for him. But I had to like him, and I don't. at all. let me say that again... AT ALL.
His PhD is in Chemistry and he is an assistant professor at a university. He is here to take a trip to Mississippi to get info on a research project over the summer for Diabetes and Cancer research. Fairly impressive. So he is smart. Want to know what he does in his spare time? He drinks.

Bear in mind, I am not so much of a hypocrite that I am judging. But yesterday I watched him drink 10 bottles of Michelobe Ultra (and I felt the need to point out he drinks like a freshman sorority girl) in about 3 hours. Actually 2.5 because we changed bars at some point.

I got schmucked because Avi (whom I adore like a my little brother) asked me to come see 300 w/them. He, Phd, me, Avi's sis, and her boyfriend. It was chill. Sis and boyfriend went to see another movie. The rest of us were going to play pool but ended up at Hooters. I take no issue with this.

At some point the Dream Killer calls and I answer and invite him out. He asks who is there and he laughs for a solid 3 minutes. He laughs so hard he starts to cry. He correctly surmises that either 1. the casual "get together" is not going well and i need him to save me or 2. i'm just trying to spread the weird around.

A little of both. but there is no way I could ditch them with it looking like a ditch. So per Dk's request we move to a different bar that was closed because it was Easter. We ended up at Chilli's because you can always count on a corporate chain to be completely souless and profit driven.

We are sitting in the bar area (Avi is 17/18 and couldn't sit at the bar) and talking, it is chill and laid back. PhD notices I am wearing boots w/heels and he asks how tall I am... I said something like "I'm not going to tell you" he says... and this is the sound-byte of the night... "That is why you are single". Excuse me?

This yuk-head says I'm bossy. Why do I care what you think? He says he is single because he is a p***y. I can see that. He is cocky as all get out... oh and he drank 10 beers in 2.5 hours. He is quite lacking in charm. Being a professor of sorts, he talks about how many girls throw their flower at him. and in talking to me he says that he is not one to beg... hmmmm someone told me that recently. and it is still funny.

The comeback that was on the tip of my tongue (and fortunately stayed there) was... "and yet I am a citizen and can offer a green card, mother f*cker. if you aren't begging yet... give it a minute, you will be"

I don't ask anyone to beg. I don't. and when it has happened... it does not make me want to date you, it makes me run. It is not a requirement of someone who wants to date me. But here is the thing that I am starting to figure out. (and this is where the swagger comes in)... and maybe it is a by-product of "if you hear something enough times you start to believe it"... I am a great catch. and I'm not going to be with someone who does not see it that way also. Further, I don't want to date someone that I don't also see as a great catch. Because I want to be able to love and respect the person I am with. And I am getting closer to being in the frame of mind to be open to that.

This being single thing is getting frustrating. but it is Waaaaay better than being with the wrong person. and last night was an official NO on the arranged marriage thing. again. why? because Indian parents (maybe moreso than other parents) do NOT know their sons like they think they do. Each believes they have Krsna incarnate. I have yet to see that true.

So his summation of me? Preface with we were ragging on Avi who is not a virgin, and he points out that neither is anyone at the table- bear in mind that I am the only girl. PhD says, "wow! I had no idea that you were so cool. you curse, you drink, and you've slept around". To this I say "check please" and DK contains the crazy that was about to knock PhD smooth the f*ck out.

:)

This is today's theme song... I hesitate to give it to you because it may end up being the song for the entire summer. Today is friggen great. Why? Life is great. Why? Because while I would like some things to be different, I have no real issues. Rock out... bigger post to come.



It is Rob Thomas... Streetcorner Symphony.

If I was a super hero, my special power would be heart.

because I believe it is the strongest thing in me and though you may not know, my heart can heal the world. In theory. Because everything works in theory.

DeeDee is out of town. She and her 2 kids and husband are in Houston until Sunday.

That leaves her in-laws (father and mother) and her brother at her house. At 76 her father in-law has decided that he wanted a part time job in this country. So a retired 2nd grade school teacher in India, is now an evening stock clerk at Wal-Mart. I don't understand it either.

DeeDee is mortified and embarrassed. What will people think? It isn't for the money and he says it is the nicest part of his day. I understand that.

As she and husband are out of town, she asks me to drop him to work and pick him up. I have no issues with that. She says she can make arrangements so I could just drop or just pick up. I tell her not to worry, I've got him, and I do.

Talking to him this morning, he says a lot of stuff. Some in English, some in Hindi, some in Gudjrati. I didn't get all of it, I usually don't. I tell him I will see him at 4:45.

I show up and he has made me tea. It is Indian chai... you should only drink chai made from someone's hands. The stuff in the box or at coffee shops is wretched and it's not real chai.

DeeDee's brother (who lives with her) works at a store 5 minutes (or less) from the Wal-Mart the old man is to go to. He gets off 15 minutes before the old man. He will not wait for 10 minutes for the old man.

The old man told me that I should come for tea but he would not need the ride to work, but he would love to see me. As I am drinking tea, brother calls and tells the old man that he wants tea but the old man is not to be in the same room- he wants to drink his tea alone. and further, if the old man is not ready on time, the brother will leave the old man. The old man curses in Hindi, and asks me to still drop him to work. Of course I will.

Brother comes to tea. We pass pleasantries and he is embarrassed I am here to see the old man. He says not to worry he will take care of the old man. Old man says he will keep my number in case he needs it.

As I drop the old man to his Wal-Mart he lights up with the biggest smile. He says "I am glad you came. I feel like you are my daughter". He shakes my hand and passes the other over my head (it is a form of blessing that an elder gives a child). and today I am happy to have been in the right place at the right time.

I need a hug.

I'm not kidding.

I feel like a monkey's bum.

I'm not kidding about that either.

Claritan didn't fix anything. My face hurts, my throat hurts, I have a small fever. and I want to curl up under my desk and rest.

I can't leave work because I will drive to N.O. to see my movie. Which would be counter productive. No I'm still going to do that.

I didn't do it on Tuesday because it rained and that would have been irresponsible to drive back in the middle of the night, in the rain, and have to get up early the next day.

Everyone is off for Good Friday but us. I would be Christian or Catholic or whatever to have a day off. I'm that kind of free-time harlot. I will sell all of my beliefs and some of yours.

$10 says I can get Bunkles to go get orange juice for me from the corner market. My basic strategy is going to be threatening to sneeze on him. or on his stuff and just not tell him... that should do it.

UPDATE AT 3:45 PM. i am still juice-less. I pull the sad face and Bunkles promises to go and get me the juice. I give him my debit card to pay for it and he pats me on the head and scoots me out of the room. I see him flitting about later and pull the confused puppy head shift (to the right... the left says something else) and he says "ooooooooohhhhhh, my bad I forgot".

Since I didn't have to threaten him to get the promise I still have a threat in my back pocket. As I still have no juice (and it is now 15 min til market closes) I have told him that one day when I am good and sick I will lick a red bull and give it to him. and the germs will take care of him.

Reggaeton can't fix everything.

I just heard the Luny Tunes remix of Paris Hilton's "Stars are Blind". and I say again... dropping a latin beat to a sucky song does not make it suck less.

and yeah, thought I would feel the need to pull the former post... not yet.

It is rainy today. I love rainy days. Today was also Dentist Day. I love going to my dentist. Now they take my blood pressure too. My dentist is fussing at me because my blood pressure is a bit higher than he would like to see it. Excuse me? My tonsils are also a little swollen because of sinuses... he recommends consistent Claritan. and further the hygenists are excited about the parafin wax thing... they put my hands in it and then leave me in mitts.

Oh my teeth are perfectly fine by the way.

I wanted to f*ck off for the rest of the day. Snipping with Lemon yesterday left me in the most foul of dispositions. Why the angry gum-ball from his end. I don't know. I admit I should not have called him an a** that time, but what have I done besides that?

On a better note... Pandora has gifted me with a song from the Delerium soundtrack- the Cirque de Soleil show that was Bunny's and I's date. We had dinner at Tsunami and saw the show. It was amazing. Which goes without saying. I love everything they do. Having seen a couple, and gotten to talk to a couple of people close to the concepts...I am amused that I can explain their elements better. and I love the re-occuring concepts using similar elements and all the same mediums but wrapped up and marketed differently. :)

IT'S A MOVIE!

Let me preface this with this very well may be the single most personal and profound post to date. ugh.

Jhumpa Lahiri's novel "The Namesake" is now a movie. She is one of my favorite writers, one of the first I ever related too, and a woman who's words make me want to put down my pen as I may never be worthy to have my words sit next to hers.

If you read you will know that the cultural issues that Bama made up were sparked with a lecture centered around some of her other work. I hate the commercialization that has come with every minority having a genre of literature (ok fiction) to say there is that niche for them. Largely because it gives way to so much bad writing being published. I for one have had it with chic lit and urban fiction, it's just not good.

But this! wow. It's a movie. I have to see it! I hurridly pull it up on my yahoo page to see where it is in my city. Then I search it under movies. Then I search the closest theater to me... It's in New Orleans. Dammit!

I don't know who I would consider to go with me. least of all if it was in my city and not new orleans. I can tell you that I will probably cry. a lot. and that would be embarrassing. and then to drive an hour out and back.

I have way more bouncing around in my head over this, I just cannot manage to articulate it. I don't care if it is bad, I have to see it. To see the characters I internalized and saw so many of the people the way I know them... wow. I bloody well will get lost in new orleans looking for a theater.

Yeahhhhhhh.... Repeater!

So Gators won! David the Magnificent Weirdo and I are going to buy shirts. David the magnificent Weirdo and I had the most interesting conversation in a sports bar last night watching the game. Dream Killer won a Miller Lite bracketed basketball in honor of the tournament that he gave to me because I was the only girl. David the Magnificent Weirdo and I threw the limes from our Coronas at the Dream Killer. David the Magnificent Weirdo is as magnificent as he is weird.

but the coarse of the conversation turned to Bunny, as is expected... He is how I know her... she was to be his bunny. Somehow they did not survive the sift and she is not his bunny. Except that this is what I call her. Davids-Bunny. I heart the weirdo, even if he is weird. we have an 'interesting' dynamic. As I have said, we do not cut words with each other, in the beginning this was harsh... now it is respect. onward.

So he has a new girl he is about to ask to be the girlfriend (he is about to be 30... and he confirms that guys still have to ask). I say why her and not bunny? I heart bunny. I want bunny to have whatever she wants. Not to say she definitely wants David, but she knows she wanted him to ask (shockingly familiar). He says the new girl is pretty plus. That means personality, looks, education, and all about him (there are 2 more things but I forgot them... I think they are at the bottom of my Corona bottles). But the best way that he describes her is that "we have the same kind of connection that you and I have. But with romantic potential" Awwwww... thinly veiled compliments are always appreciated. He says Bunny requires too much- that she wants him to chase her... (well... duh!) and not give any effort on her part.

He likes her, he says he does. but in the face of someone who is making overt effort... she looks like less. and I understand that. He asks me to weigh in, and I say I am not qualified until I've met the other one. For now I am overly biased (and I am secretly massively pulling for Bunny!). He says for Bunny to look like and option she would have to call him. My eyes sparkle and he says "and NOT because you told her to!" So, she had to call him while we were at the bar and he held my phone so I couldn't text anymore.

She didn't call. Ick. and the conversation raises some interesting trolls... I thought (and maybe still think) that guys don't take it so seriously when they are being pursued. and that part of the best part of being a girl is the whole courtship process... maybe as we get older it get different? hmmmm dunno.

In other news... The annual Banquet for Junior Achievement is quickly approaching. It is better than the breakfast, and just dinner. It is for corporate sponsorship and board member, and pillars of the community etc etc. and This year I get the formal invite. and I am thinking I should like a real date instead of a safety. Will let you know how that goes.

p.s.

I like the Gators for tonights match-up. and yay same starting line up as last year.

felt the need to express that. awwww.... remember the time we tried to fill out brackettes and they never seem to go right. oh well.

We will now return to your regularly scheduled Monday.

HOW DID YOU GET THAT IN YOUR EAR?!

Guess what. I am a mommiey. I have 2 kids and I heard myself saying this at lunch. I flew home because I had no cell phone, checkbook, disk with resume on it, had to pick up 2 ball gowns to go to the cleaners as I am picking up the red one and dress coat after work... anyway you get the idea... I left with nothing but my keys and coffee this morning.

When my cocker spaniel (Lady Alexis on paper... Lexi in practice... Dammit Dog! on any given day) split her ear on Saturday I cleaned her ears then. With foamy stuff, cotten balls, q-tips, and the anti-biotic ointment just in case. She is a cocker... she gets her ears in places for no reason. Scotchie is amused by this so I grab him and clean his ears out too... just in case. He has a bit of an ear infection... which he did when we found tumor. Apparently all of the anti biotics he got didn't touch his ear.

It didn't bother him for a while but now he is shaking his head quite often... which in dog speak means something is irritating him. While I am grabbing stuff at lunch, he follows me around as he does. He is shaking his head which means he is having issues.

So I pull out the little bucket and have to sit on him to clean his ears. One is fine. the infected one is gross. But feels much better after it has been cleaned out. He gets ointment and his treat and bounces away. I scoop up the little one and get ready for round 2. She is not new to this, she behaves. I am cleaning the foam with a cotten ball and then q tip and found the nastiest crap in her little ears. and what looked like watermellon seeds. ewww.

and Scotchie is trying to embarrass me to the neighbors. Last night while I pull into the drive way, he runs out of the gate and down the street. I go after him and watch agast as he runs under someone's carport and in their backyard. I don't know that neighbor and didn't want to trespass. So I wait at the driveway for him. He runs out and runs home. I see him fly past me with something in his mouth. I follow him home and try to catch him before he buries what he stole. It is 1/2 of another dog's very big bone. He has one just like it. Somehow I could not bring myself to knock on their door at 10 at night to return it. So my Scotchie is still hoarding his ill-gotten gain.

He is my canine klepto. To go with my 78 year old candy klepto. I believe I will make a set out of this yet!

There is such a thing as TOO skinny.

and it's not cute.

The pic is Paris Hilton. Shopping for Tourettes yesterday we are in the Limited and I give her a pair of pants that are a 0. They fell off of her. It was not at all cute. Back to Paris... This is her last Saturday at Hugh Hefner's 81st birthday party at the Palms in Las Vegas. How did I get it? Chicago. He is an investment banker for a very big investment company. and does something for the playboy empire that requires him to entertain, and thus he gets to be entertained by all of the bunnies at all of the parties. Including Miami for the superbowl.... and he sends me all of the pics. Like this is something I am lacking in my life. Playboy bunny pics. Don't get me wrong, they are not scandelous- just party pics but still.

His comeback is that we are so cool he sees me as one of the guys. I guess it is meant to be a compliment. but c'mon.

While I'm here, let's talk about Chicago for a min... it's a good story. I've seen him in person 1 time for like 10 minutes. and that was at least 4 years ago.

The day Tourettes divorce was finalized was a bad day for her. She calls me crying and I am willing to do whatever she needs. We take the drive to New Orleans on a Friday. Saw John Mayer at JazzFest and played on Bourbon street. The guy at the cigar shop remebered us from Mardi gras of that year (those guys are from El Salvador- they roll the cigars by hand) and the little guy didn't charge us for our cigars... and wanted to come play with us. We left him there. The point of that was to tell you that this is what made Tourettes see men as objects of entertainment. She decided to make out with every guy she thought was cute. Ick.

and there were a lot of guys on that street. I am not drinking, my role here is to try to contain the crazy. and pull her away from scary guys.

So I am waiting for my friend and an indian guy walks up to me and says "You're indian" I say "you're quick" he says "you're beautiful"... he now has my attention.

I tell him my name and he didn't believe me. It's not indian. I tell him Kiran and he likes that. We exchange #s and here comes my friend. She made out with him. wow.

Granted he is innocent, but I delete his number and he is trying to say something to fix this. That was the week he graduated from U-T with an MBA. and moved to Chicago that week. He still calls and leaves messages. So we become friend-like. we talk, we email, we text. I've never seen him again. and yeah that's about it. I think he is trying to make it to Austin in May, at the same time I am there... for another wedding. and I can't help but think there is something wrong with him. This isn't normal, and by indian measures, he is the most eligible bachelor.

this is my safety. if nothing else works out by 30-something. this very well maybe the guy. Lord please let something work out or at least let him be tolerable.