You always remember your 1st

Water Buffalo was my 1st soul-wrenching earth shaking love. about 4 years of official dating and the extra year and a half of dumb f*cking ourselves to make sure there was no way this was going to work... plus neither of us had the balls to tell his family. Mine knew and hated him. For his, we sucked it up and played nice nice for every friggen holiday and get together. I moved to a new apartment and so did he... 5 doors down.

Needless to say it was not good. It was long, drawn out and very painful. When we were good and done I cried for 2 weeks. No, seriously. I had to take vacation from my stupid job, and luckily was between semesters (or maybe not even in school) and just cried. Like great big Minnie mouse tears. If you called my house and I answered the phone, You had 30 seconds to talk before I started sniffling on the phone. It broke my heart. and it hurt.

and after 2 weeks of my friends getting shoved out my front door, and them letting me hide under a rock and listening to the most depressing music ever... they had enough. JB and Camello snatched me by the back of the neck and threw me in the shower. Did my hair, makeup and dressed me. and put me in some body's car. It ended up being 3 cars of the people closest to me, and some miscellaneous people, but everybody that mattered (minus Buffalo and like my mom obviously) came to New Orleans with us. We did the worst thing ever. Bourbon Street. We hit every club and bad bar. We sung Karaoke at the Cat's Meow, totally off-key. They made me eat a Lucky dog which made me sick... the most important thing was that Madigan held on to me until I stopped crying.

It was humbling that a broken heart did not break me. and to look into the faces of such love, it seemed selfish to cry over someone not worthy, it was disrespectful to the people that did love me. and love me THAT much. It was a good night.

On to yesterday, I have to laugh as I get "check-in" messages from Tourette's. JB calls to schedule the de-briefing with wine, Bunny shows up with flowers, and Bianca's lunch was soothing. JD even sent a well-wish of Internet spite that made me laugh out loud (much to the amusement of my secretary)... and I am glowing that you guys love me. No, my heart is not broken, not even a little. I got a little bee sting, to be sure, but you don't know what it means to me to remember that I am held.

You guys are rock stars ;)

Bond-Girl out.

p.s. click-it... theme song on repeat. Nelly Furtado - Do it

PostSecret

You guys have seen the link under my cool stuff. I forget how I started reading it, but found myself checking it every week. When I finally figured out how to link it to my page... There it went.

Today I don't remember why I keep reading it. I think it had something to do with the humanity/creativity/spark of introspection that makes me wonder what my secrets would look like. So many of the secrets posted truly hurt my heart. I do understand it is a necessary thing for people to be able to express... but wow.

Today the Mole escorted me to my appointment through the Governmental Building that houses the 19th JDC. He has to stop often to speak to people. He knows everyone worth knowing. He is trying to destroy my sense of naivete. Much like Shy, he is of the opinion that as soon as I get some swagger about myself, I will be a bad bad man and a force to be reckoned with. So much of my interaction with him (as with Bond) are a series of tests. He says things to get a rise and then seeks to see far that rise can be pushed. He suggests that I take a good look at the people we pass outside of courtrooms... and comments that some of the people we pass will not the see the light of day except from a jail cell, for a long time. It is a harsh concept to grasp. He shows me the handcuffs that lock a defendent's ankles and wrists... they are called "bunny hoppers" because you can't walk properly.

But the creme de la creme comes on the way out. A clean shaven and well pulled together gentleman is waiting outside of a different judge's courtroom (my appointment was on the side of chambers, a trial was about to start and we stopped in a few more chambers to shake some more babies... I mean hands). They exchanged pleasantries, the gentleman is about to have a new baby girl. We get into the elevator and the mole whispers "Son-of-a-B*tch". He further explains that the gentleman was a private investigator for the D.A.'s office. He went to the police academy with the Mole's daughter, 2 weeks into the academy it came to light that the gentleman was molesting his niece and had been for several years.

It was all I could do not to be sick in the elevator.

This man is not only going to have a child, but a female child.

I imagine this as a secret he would not tell his child, implications of whether we would touch her aside, and I imagine what it would look like on a card. and I hope it chokes him.

"Where America Goes to Feel Better"

I have spent the last several hours watching the 4 episodes of Grey's Anatomy on abc.com.

I have no mascara on because I have cried it all off.

Partially because of the show, and partially because this weekend has emotionally wrung me dry.

Private kick in the stomach. If you are meant to know it, then you already do. and the more I think about it, It really was a favor.

Tomorrow starts with a 730 interview with a judge that Bianca told me has no openings. The "in" to the judge, my mole we will call him- because he sees all, knows a lot, and has a frightening amount of access- calls me to tell me that my friend out right lied to me.

Bianca and I spoke yesterday and had a late lunch today. We talked about it again and she assures me the position that was there was given to her Sidekick, as is fitting that is why she is the sidekick. She will be in at 730 and asked if I would like her to lay groundwork and I intimate that it is not necessary. Mole says I have been betrayed. I am not willing to pass that sentence, yet. I still believe my friend but am willing to consider outside comments.

Hardware store as promised. Mouse got a birdcage for her b-day and I promised to help her hang it from a huge pecan tree so it faces the windows and she can see the birds. Sat morning we had to buy clothesline wire to hang it. I have officially had a check declined. That has never happened to me before. Especially since the only checks I write are for a Jeep note and student loan. So why did Lowe's reject $5.16? No clue. I have some number to call, but I was too mortified.

The check and my expired license was all I had in my purse. My card, real license and money were in the back pocket of the jeans I went out in the night before. Because that is where I carry my money like a little kid.

The clerk is trying to figure this out and the guy behind me hands her a $10 and says "I need to do a good thing. Please let me pay for it" I am dumbfounded. His wife is petting him. I try to find the words to express gratitude for such a huge gesture... and grams? she is 1/2 to the car. nice.

...mini Weekend Update...

Boys and Girls, as much as this is cliched and motherly... NEVER NEVER forget the importance of being nice, or at the very least necessarily polite, you never know when it will come back to you. I am a bad friend... you guys know that. I forget every body's birthday, no that is not true. I remember, just on the wrong days. Hence, I am always a week late with the Happy Drunk Ken Doll, this year we had a bet I would get it wrong again... and then he got drunk one day and called to remind me. many hearts to the weirdo with a girlfriend. Tourette's I got wrong by one day... which is sooooo freakin close. So my awful pattern of remembrance begets the "random birthday". If I miss your B-day, you can call upon me for a Random one. Whatever day you choose is your birthday for the sake of argument and I take you out. It's all about you, and we do whatever you want. Initially she wanted a movie, maybe a margarita. We get the the theatre and she starts to cry. er? Apparently she broke the good little christian boy. They schmuped. And technically he wasn't a virgin, he was celibate for 5 years. Admirable to be sure, but I still say that is not the same thing and casts a shadow of doubt on his version of the truth. So obviously no movie for us. We opt for those magaritas instead. Mine mango, hers raspberry (yuck). Guess who comes over to re-introduce himself... Mr. I-have-an-associates-degree-in-science-and-want-to-be-a-physical-therapist. and it's still weird. We smile and let him talk. 3 guys sit next to us at the bar and they 23 year old is hitting on my friend. I was too happy when my cell rang- it was David's Bunny, but a wonderful distraction from the dorkdom that abounded. Tourette's is hitting my leg and mouthing "HELP ME!" so I had to get off the phone. But she keeps answering his stupid questions so of course he does not go away. Her solution? She goes outside to smoke and leaves me with the 3 winners from Hee-Haw. The one at the end says "You look jus like this girl I went to school with! Her name is ___", I say "Well that's not this girl." He says, "That's why I said you LOOK LIKE" and then "You are mean". I say "I'll take that". The darling bartender comes over and takes both of my hands and leans in to whisper "They are trash, sometimes you have to just let those go". Sweet sweet bartender. I engage another guy at the bar in conversation. I explain it is to avoid Hee-Haw. He laughs and he is engaging. Tourette's comes back with a smirk and meets my new friend. We all make friends and retire to the porch. and here comes Mr. Science. He is the cousin of my new best friend from the bar. He proceeds to tell the table that he knew me in high school and his cousin kids that he must have asked me out. Mr. Science says, "No, she was way out of my league. But she was really cool. So sweet and all smiles. Everyone loved her. I still talk to her now because she is so nice". Oh that was a kick in the head. I felt soo bad. They were so sweet about entertaining us and it was not weird at all. The were perfect gentlemen. Bartender comes out to tell us about last call. Later he comes back to ask us if we wanted to stay and drink with the staff. One of us say "But you already made last call" He says "but I am also the bartender, I can make you a drink and just not charge you for it". Sweet but we were done. Tourette's laughed and laughed that we left all of our new friends. Happy Mother Freakin Birthday. (Obviously she says it differently). I'll tell you about the hardware store later.

Let's get started...

Lots to post... about diff colors so you know when I've completed a thought.

David's Bunny and I had this brilliant (i.e. looks completely non-brilliant right now) idea to prove to ourselves that we are warriors. Wed- Circuit training, Thur-boot camp, Fri- morning weights w/young un, Fri-afternoon circuit training. So why come I call her at 5 this morning and she says "Girl, I can't. I'm going back to bed- I didn't sleep well last night". Punk. It was brutal, 1/2 way through I am close to tears, and then I remember I don't have to do everything exactly right. I just have to make it through. That is the wrong attitude to have. But at least I didn't quit. I've gone hard every min right up until. So one more class tonight, maybe a run on Sat and Sun yoga will put me back together.

Shy has figured out that neither Bunny or I are in no danger of being in a committed relationship any time soon (so he thinks :) and is trying to convince us that he is the best we have. Without the inconveinent touching, of course. He now wants to be called "Prince" as he has the 2 "it" girls. Nice. In the bathroom we try to come up with a schedule of which one of us has to talk to him on which days. It's not that we don't want to talk to him. He's cool, he just a bit much, is all. and he is completley convinced that is he is sexy. Ummmm no, no he is not.

Along the lines of the dis-illusioned, intro the "dancer". She is homely (ok unattractive) and very overweight. and she keeps telling people she is a dancer. Ballet, jazz, tap, etc. People keep referring her to me, I avoid this one like the plague. She happened to say it to Will.I.Am and Shy. Shy laughed hysterically. Which made Will pick it up. Shy says, "come on, really?" and laughed till he cried. I smacked him in his head. She says she is not a runner (I can relate) so instead of running... she did the robot...badly. So they asked why I don't call her out on it... I say "mercy". Despite what she can or cannot do... She sees herself as a dancer, and it is important to her sense of herself. Not to mention, as I had to explain to Shy and the Peanut Gallery... most of us know what it is like to have a day, an afternoon, or an evening when everywhere you go- people are all about you. The guys (or girls) all want to talk to you, you look hot, you feel good, and you have a good time. and you give off good energy... talking to this girl for 2.5 seconds... it is highly likely she has never had that. Why take the one tidbit she has? If she is under the impression that she is good, the cruel world will squash that in time.

Know what season it is? Flag football. Which means... Dream Killer stepped up to play (probably one game) and in 2.5 seconds flat managed to hurt himself. Which is fitting because he talks a lot of trash. It was a "fractured skull" one game into soccer season, pulled hamstring next year, game 1 of newest soccer season. Something or other 10 minto 1st time at circuit training, and he still yips about the way I run. nice. So he thinks he tore his ACL again (awwwww... that does hurt, been there, done that) and he's on crutches. and yet it is kind of hard to feel sorry for him. He calls with the pretext of getting the Professor's # from me. I tell him I don't have it (I could get it, but I won't). and he asks if he's done anything new to upset me as I apparently don't want to talk to him. I say no. Which is true. He played his last card, what can I say.

Semi-big girl conversation with Lemon. It's not gonna happen. That's slightly disappointing. It happens.

I meant to add this to the last post but that day, I also broke the zipper on my last pair of work pants that fit. Rat bastard. and in other news... One of my most recent complete, utter, and unadulterated joys is driving Blanca. I love my jeep. love it. I enjoy it way more than I should. She is fantastic.

Also, today is a day in which I can see some real progress in many aspects of my life. Work is work, working out is better. I am more toned and have more stamina. Plus I am stronger and that feels good. Maybe the strength carries to other aspects because I am getting closer to the idea of a whole relationship not making me physically ill. I have come to a place that I can let people be as they are and not hold it against them. and trust that they love me. I have the time to read a little more and closer to writing again. Yeah Bond girl. I think that's all I got for now. Updates later.

Today is great...

and by great I mean funny.

It started out pouring. I am wearing the grown-up version of a headband because I just knew the short hair would conspire to look like a portebello mushroom.

Now... It's all sunshine and cumulous clouds. nice.

Further, at 4 I went upstairs to make tea. There is the extremely boiling water tap that emits... you guessed it... extremely boiling water. I missed my cup and found my foot. I'm wearing heels not boots. It stings just a smidge.

Also, Jenny-Bear is an insurance agent. Don't laugh, she's good at it. The bad part is that she is telling me to have the big girl conversation with Bama... OMG! Have you met me?

So she calls me just now to say "Ok, forget what your time frame for that conversation was... I need you to do it now and have him call me so I can try to sell insurance to your gym." Oh, ok. Because that won't be wierd AT ALL.

Just because I have big-girl shoes, does not mean I want to have big girl conversations.

Intro Window to Evasive Domestic Bliss...

and maybe you, like I am, are pressed up to the window to watch.

Newest addition to the stuff I'm lovin is the Suburban Masquerader. I asked to link, she says yep- Official heart for cynic girl. Hopefully you will heart her too.

On to peerage at aforementioned bliss... had Indian tea at DeeDee's house over the weekend. DeeDee or Didi is Hindi for sister. Her daughter calls me so because she calls me so... so for blogging purposes- she is DeeDee. She just had a new baby boy and he is amazingly beautiful and precious and perfect and wonderful and small, and I want one... just not now. DeeDee is a testament to how it works. Hers was an arranged marriage and too look at her and the dork she is married to, you know that it could not have been any other way.

So little D's birthday was Friday and I brought her present last night and stayed for dinner. The child is lovely, and it helps that she adores me. The presents she gets from me are never stupid stuff like clothes or educational toys (I'm not knocking it) I'm just saying that as a child I remember how important it was to have people in your life that were normal, responsible, well-adjusted adults... and spoiled you rotten. So it was the perfect Belle doll, w/ bracelet and ring to match, and a barbie mini suitcase to carry all of her doll stuff in. DeeDee follows me around the house fussing that I spent too much money. But to see the face of little D... the big one could talk forever and it wouldn't matter.

Wonderful sound bytes from little D...
1. "How come no one talks to me at dinner?" She was edged out of a grown up conversation and reprimanded when she threw a mini fit... her byte was the rejoinder.

2. "Daddy, DeeDee is laughing at you" The child is quick, she might not understand every adult joke, but she gets when a joke is being made.

3. "Early dismissal is not inconveinent for adults... If I got out of school early and mommy couldn't get me, I would call DeeDee and we would go to McDonald's" This makes her list because she is all of 7 years old. and you cannot shake a stick at the simple faith and love of a child. and Obviously her mom was annoyed that the child is out of school early today.

Today it is funny that it is a 7 year old that takes care of my heart. and it's good.

Happy Mardi Gras!

How uncool of me to forget! This is the pic you get, because in case anybody has this quaint idea of ambling around the French Quarter w/ a drink and getting drunker people to give you their beads because you are too lazy to try to catch stuff as parades for yourself and the guys on Bourbon street usually have cooler stuff than they give away on floats anyway... well yeah that's about right.

In case you wondering, no I have never flashed and I don't see myself ever doing it. Why? This girl is of the opinion that mine are too pretty for Bourbon Street and worth way more than plastic beads. Plus with camara phones and recording devices and lack of reasonable expectation of privacy, no ma'am. no.

It is a pretty cool party. Not so enthused this year. Just wasn't that in to it. I guess if I had visiting atty to shove into random tourists that would have made it more fun :)

Lemon went to his very 1st ball last night. For Orpheus. For those of you that do not know... the parades (in n.o. they are HUGE) are done by "krewes" or modern day equivalent- "social clubs" and you pay to be a member. They have a ball ususally the night before the parade they put on, or like a week before. Not all of them are formal but most are. Members each put a float together, you hire a driver and you and your friends get trashed while being driven around on a wobbly rickety float and you get to chuck beads and cheap toys and candy at people. It is a huge blur, but so fun. People lose their freakin minds for this stuff. My girlfriends laugh at me because I bet better beads... and as I mentioned, I don't show sh*t.

But today I am at work. I could have had the bird flu, but I really was just not that into it. In other news, Shy is back from Vegas, and he's over being mad for nothing. and really, why would he be mad at me? I'm me, duh.

However, considering how racist he is (no matter how much he tries to hide) he's going to lose his cookies. Apparently Bama has seen fit to tell Pseudo-Daydream how much he likes me and for how long. P-Day (ha! I like) asks David's Bunny why P-Day didn't get invited out (D-B and I went out a couple of weeks ago and ran into Bama, Bama stayed with us for a while, we saw other people who work out at our gym and controversy is about to ensue- especially since Bama has the mouth of a girl) Bama is rallying hard for a get together. I still like Dream-Killers Friend for Bunny.

"Of Human Bondage"

by W. Somerset Maugham .

This is the book sent by JD and one he highly recommends...

and funny story about trying to get a pic to upload to give you guys a point of reference... I am at work and put the title into a google image search... My company blocked it for pornographic content. Thanks a bunch JD. Kisses.

S&M implications aside, the book is fantastic. A bit more modern than Dickensian England but along the same vein with the same issues as "the Age of Innocense" and if I could be so bold... maybe "Madame Bovary" (?) What is most funny about it, is that I could not have read this when I was younger. Younger? I dare say 3 years ago, the innane lack of spine in Mr. Carey would have made me throw the book at the wall. Time makes you view things differently and create more warm and squishy empathy towards someone ill used by love or their perception of it.

360-something pages in, I know that I am going to have to start reading it again as soon as I am done. 1st time for me is basic plot- "get to the point, get to the point" but there is so much in his expression of emotion that makes you say "wow, that is what I want" and you know what sucks even more? You have it. Most of us do and we overlook it, or consciously choose the cad that will not give us money for a cab.

Ok, not a good day to blog this, my thoughts are still all over the place. Try # 3 to follow after lunch.

What's Hot in the Streets.

Ok so maybe not brand new, I've had this for a while- but I didn't really have a sec to play with it until yesterday. It is amazing how much free time you have when trying not to obsess about a span of about 6 hours. What's he thinking, what's he thinking?

But I digress... http://pandora.com/ this is pretty cool. Hopefully yours pops up and stays up a little better than mine. It was a tad sketchy. You put in an artist you are digging and it gives you other stuff you would like. When you don't like it, you tell it so and it goes away. I like it muy much. and you can create as many searches as you want (I think). and it is great.

I also have a new blog to put on the right. She hasn't written in a while, and I thought it uncouth to throw her up with out asking, so as soon as she says "yep" you guys will read why she is close to getting a mini-heart.

kisses.

better post to come when I have a bit more balls.

Still sad. Not liking this.

Yeah, I'm gonna need me to get out of this funk too.

Even coffee w/Bunkles this morning couldn't fix me. He even offered to go get it so I wouldn't be outside in the cold.

So now we focus on the positives to make ourselves feel better. Ummmm...

Positive #1. I am not Jaws. That is always a good. She also got flowers for V-day... but from a VERY married guy. That would suck. and Positive #2. Leftovers from last night dinner was great. The waitress even put a loaf of Italian bread in there. it was uber nice.

#3. Going to a parade tonight. Granted it will be cold, but I will get to stand around drinking beer and snuggling while getting smacked with plastic cups, beads and moonpies. yay.

#4. Boss lady left me gourmet Tiramisu cocoa. I would rather Boss lady.

#5. I have enough hair to pull back. Except for Gabe brilliant answer to me not having a forehead that supports bangs. So there is a piece of hair permanently touching my face. I have been paper-clipping it back.

No gym for me today. None this morning either. I got up at 5 and my right knee was still screaming. So I'm taking a little time off from the gym. I'll let you know how that goes.

So technically I am blogging intoxicated...

but not like REALLY intoxicated.

Today I laugh at the paradox that we all are. I say paradox over contradiction because it makes sense if you think about it long enough. I just don't suggest you try.

Why paradox.. 1. The devil invited me out drinking. 2. I may never have told you this... but Tourettes' who had illegal substance abuse issues and drinks insanely works for a church. In fact as we speak, she is at dinner with a ladies church group. She is incredibly paranoid of everything she says in front of them. 3. Shy is mad at me to the point of picking an argument with me because yesterday I did not tell him who I got roses from. 4. My boss-lady quit, today was her last day. We took her out to dinner and she asked that I stay after everyone to get one more glass of wine. and then she cried. Over me. and it doesn't make sense to even me.

And today I recognize how much closer I am edging to the idea of an arranged marriage. After all, my idea of love may never come to be. I believe in love, I do, I do. but sometimes it feels a bit like chasing the dragon if you know what I mean.

The devil is a bit of trailer park trash. She is cool with the dream killer. I saw her today and she makes a big deal out of me going out to have drinks with her and her friends. I say maybe. It isn't until I make it home after dinner with wine that the silence is deafening... and the offer doesn't look so bad. But go out for drinks to what? I don't like her and I certainly do not want to hang out a bar. I just want to not be here. and that makes perfect sense thank you. But I know me, and I know it would be better for me to stay my bum right here.

Yeah, Tourettes' job or the fact that this is the job that she has amuses me to NO end.

I didn't get why Shy was so mad until he picked a fight over email, literally all day. Then put in context.. that is what it was. Which is retarded because he gifted David's Bunny and I with cases of Fiji water for V-day. and he was in the privileged position of being able to say that we were both his girlfriends. at least for yesterday.

and no Boss lady. that is a kick in the head. I do not like it.

Also, I think I may need to take a break from circuit training for a min. and play weights with the young 'un tomorrow morning. Damn 5 am.

What do you love?

This goes up because I like it! The basic premise is that this guys drives around (or more specifically through) a bunch of fast food drive-thrus and asks the attendants what they love.

I love lamp.



I also love that V-day creates such friction that people are mad at me. Rampant insensitivity.

Shy because he got blown off in public and he says I don't have time for him.
Dream Killer because I did not wait for him to call me for V-day and then profess my undying love.
Lemon I'm not sure, it's just hard to talk to him these days. He called me mean. He also hung up on me. It's not 1-sided, I was frustrated with him equally. I try to explain me to him. I don't think he gets it.

Lack of Sex in my City

If I had thought of it before, I may have titled my blog so. Once upon a time an attorney for my company was in my city. We (she, boss-lady, and I) shared books. Boss-lady shows her my blog. She asked "Who does she think she is? Carey from Sex in the City?" No. No I do not. and I was mildly offended but Boss Lady said that atty really thought herself witty and meant no harm. Whatever. So my new take on the day of Happy hearts. Yes it commercial. Yes it is "unnecessary". and Yes women make an obnoxiously big deal about it.... but what if it serves alternative purposes as well. Hear me out, what if it is a measuring stick of sorts. If someone cares for you in a warm and squishy way then they do not need to wait until V-day to tell you. They should tell you in their own time (agreed) and not on Hallmark's schedule, etc.etc. But as I have said many a time... this is the land reverent to nothing. You don't have to support a child (if you have the right lawyers) you don't have to stay faithful to a marriage, you don't have to be a fit parent... and on and on. So outside of laws and sensibilties, nothing can make us do anything. and given no restraints... at any given time we may just not be in a place to throw our hearts on the tracks. and here comes V-day. flowers, candy, and crap. But it is a measuring stick in a way... if you like me- give me a piece of paper. tell me you like me. but it isn't that simple. I can not judge because I gave away lots of crap today. And I see it as such, crap that other people need to feel special. Mom called to say thank you for chocolates and asked how many roses I'd gotten (at that time none) and I said "No one loves me" and she laughed and said that I was spoiled and got random presents all year 'round. Which is true. The roses came later. and they are beautiful, but they don't mean anything. I told Lemon that he and I were not doing anything for this day. I didn't want him to spend any $ and where would I send what to? and then what would I send. and then I remember that we don't really talk anymore. I haven't seen him in almost a month and maybe there was just nothing there. And I say that I am not disappointed because of V-day, because I know I am lucky and blessed and how selfish am I to look at the trinkets I got and think they were not enough nor from the right person. But I understand the importance of having a line in the sand that says, if you want me... you're gonna have to come with it. So he does not pitch the relationship because I said I don't know if I am ready? or because he doesn't know? and we wait at a cross-roads and this doesn't work for me anymore. Bama who was a non-issue shot himself in the foot the same way. The phone calls are nice. So is the asking. but if you are sure, you have to come with better and be willing to put yourself out there. Can I say that knowing that I have done it all of once and got told "no thank you". Ahhh but that is the double standard that makes it nice to be a girl. It is for the man to propose and the woman to decide. The gym was short but brutal. I can move my right knee cap all the way to the left off of my knee. It hurts just a tad. So I am gimping to dinner. nice. p.s. I am not going to say that I am a Charlotte (though my friends say that I am) or a Carey, etc. because each of the characters are caracatures of traits you have seen in people. None of us are all one thing nor solely defined by something so obvious. At least I don't think I am.

Happy Hearts Day!

I love this day. I really do. Sans proper boyfriend and everything. It is my grandma's birthday, she is 79. She gets lots of cards and it makes her uber happy. Yesterday she brings them to me with an album of pics from Christmas. We look at pics and she asks me to read all of her cards to her... again. Then she asks where mine is, and I tell her that she has to wait until today because yesterday was not her birthday. She is happy. Today is good.

I stuck a box of chocolate in my mom's locker at work... I'm hoping it falls and scares the be-jeezus out of her when she opens the locker. That is just the kind of happy heart I am :-)

please have a laugh at my expense.

Random stuff that made me laugh....with a V-Day theme

1. So yesterday Avi comes to circuit training. He is a senior in high school, I've known him since he was little bitty. He follows me around at the gym. He's going to N.O. for Mardi Gras this weekend through Tues. I tell him I'm going this weekend, maybe Mon or Tues. He says don't be surprised if I see him out. I make sure he has my # just in case (he is after all only 17/18 and I would rather he called me if he was in trouble and not relied on one of his genius friends)

I tell him if I see him out I'll buy him a shot. He lights up and says "Girl! it's Mardi Gras, they don't check IDs. If I see you, let me buy YOU a shot! It will be my 1st time buying a girl a drink."

and that is why we love younger guys.

2. Once a little bitty boy was trying to express his little crush and I tried to spare his feelings and told him he was too young. He comes back with "...but I can give you ALL the skittles you want!" (I was eating skittles at the time)

younger guys rock part II

3. My mexican is continuously in wuv with some little white girl. He calls them his "vanilla lattes". He has no official latte for tomorrow. He works at a flower shop so he gets great stuff... and gives it to me. It will suck for me when he has a girlfriend. But for tomorrow I got him a little starbucks bear (it's beige like him) w/ a card and a gift card to buy a couple of lattes.

work is light and I am uber bored.

These go up as I think of them....

4. Boss-Lady dated a guy in our building millions of years ago before either of them worked here. She was digging him and somehow got snubbed. Now he is gi-normous and incredibly unattractive with a personality that makes up for it... except not at all. Everytime I see him, I call her and say "HA!" nothing else. just "HA". if she is unavailable I will leave her a sticky on her computer that says... you guessed it "HA!"

Text messages... same thing "HA!" and I will miss her when she leaves on Thursday. That's just not funny.

Bloody damn.

The song I want to give you is available on YouTube right now. Nor is it on Radio blog... and if I were even the slightest bit tech savey I could download and upload the song from my cd... but again I have to ask, Have you met me?

Furthermore, if V-day was not tomorrow I would go make nice nice with the IT guy and have him do it. But then I would get 1,000 lashes for 1,000 years if he showed up with a valentine for me tomorrow. The stupid flowers from last year took too long to duck.

So, until I can get it up... what you are supposed to get from it is (great as they are, these are not my words) it is Esthero's We R in need of a Musical Revolution from the Wikked lil' Girls album. I adore everything about her.

1.What we hear affects our hearts
2. We are in need of love

3.I want something more

and that is what is bouncing around in my head. Acutally the whole song is where I am at, on repeat all of yesterday and for this morning's drive in.

It is a good summation of non-Bama. and soon to be non-Lemon. As I explained to Bama once before- I am not lacking for attention. I do not seek it, I do not need it. I like me and don't really do lonely. And I don't need meaningless trinkets and overt public displays of affection. What I would say that I 'need' is something real. Something more, something you make time for, and not the commercial bits of paper and chocolate.

Tomorrow evening or early Thursday I will give you the official count of what I got and what I gave. and none of it means anything. It is a day of making happy hearts. and if that is what any of you needs, then I have a chocolate heart with your name on it. Email me and I will send it.

It is especially brought into focus when David's Bunny and I whisper in the corner like we are 6 years old. Pseudo-Daydream is giving her a 1/2 a** pitch. and as perfect as his body is, I have to laugh and I love that she says this "He can find another fling. I am the prize." or as Shy puts it..."You are not a f*ck, you are meant to be a love affair. In a perfect world it is for a lifetime, if not that long make sure he is giving you the best of himself". and holding out for that still doesn't look so bad.

In other news, wanna know why girls try to hook up guys they know are interested in them with someone else?

if we know the person we want you to hook up with:

1.If they are bad, we don't like you

2. if they are good, we think they will be good for you

3.you and they seem desperate enough that we think we are killing 2 birds w/ 1 stone

4. we are sick of you whining

5.we may want you but are buying time in a relationship we know won't work

6. we just don't want you

if we do not know the person we are hooking you up with

see the above mentioned list.

Because this is what I am doing with Dream Killer's friend. I feel bad. He's called everyday, 2x a day for 5 days now, with texts to match. I am a bad person. I am trying to give him to David's Bunny in the hopes that it will work for them (see 2 and 6) and they will hop off into the sunset like happy bunnies.

Kisses.

Edit: Esthero - We R in need of a musical revolution thank you to Mass Com w/a twist.

I share waaaaaaay too much with y'all.

or you guys. whatever.

So I had an appointment today to get my eyebrows and upper lip waxed. (I am Indian. I am fuzzy. Stop laughing lots of women do it.) and Lemon texts me on the way there. He asked if I was busy... I say "getting waxed" he says "where?" and I say "not there"

You know where there is.

So I tried a new salon and I was pleasantly surprised. A lot of upper end salons close on Mondays- so it was great that this place was open. I had to try a new one because I am the worst at planning anything in advance. Yes I was off from work most of last week. NO, I could not be bothered to have done this then. The girl I had did a good job, she's great with the wax. Coming from me, that is quite a compliment because my tolerance for pain (much like my patience) is acutally negative. I have none. I have less than none. Hence, the negative.

So as Lemon brought it up, it was fresh in my mind. I asked if they were a "full-service" salon. She says "yes". We had a rapport, we are cool. She was most impressed that my makeup stayed put... and then I had to tell her I wasn't wearing any. She asks "are you married?" I say no. she says "I will not do a Brazillian wax on you. I'm sorry I like you too much" I am confused.

Apparently, more than a few of the girls she has Brazillian waxed keep popping up pregnant. She says she could not in good conscience put me in a position that I may acquire a "baby's daddy". I laughed so hard I cried.

Sound Byte... Courtesy of Bunkles.

"I hate your hair and it makes you look ethnic. Or maybe it's the shirt. Or maybe the thing around your neck (tiger nail charm on a long silver chain) . Whatever. No, I like the tiger nail- but so you know, it's still ETHNIC looking".

Does it sound like he's and a**? He did it on purpose. One day a while ago I popped in to ask if he wanted coffee while I was getting some... His little underlings feel the need to contribute to the conversations with "What are you?" well yes, and tact is running like water.

The pic is a version of the shirt I am wearing today, it is Indian. But mine is pink and sheer. I didn't have the patience to look for my exact shirt.

I am lucky to have a Bunkles, I think everyone should have one. Someone who knows you so well, most conversations are not long and drawn out, but a few words and a look. He is also fantastic at containing the crazy... i.e. 2 years ago at a restaurant a huge table of us had dinner and drinks and someone feels the need to scream "So, are you like dot or feather?" and it would not have been offensive... except I had been drinking. So Bunkles holds on to me and trys to talk me down from crazy while the Dream killer explains the dot. Nice.

Today is a good day people.

p. s. will talk about my fantastic present of a book from JD a bit later.

shockingly i have found a new way to prove that i am a big dork

Lsat was today. The Kaplan website has just released that the experimental section was #1. That is great news for this girl. why? i did not have time to touch lsat this morning. i was in a bit of a rush. I forgot my license at home and figured that out when i got to lsu. i was out of eggs so i had to stop at mcd'd for a scrambled egg on english muffin. the cops were out giving feel-good tickets all over the place so instead of tearing up the interstate on my way back, i took the back road and found myself driving behind psuedo-daydream on his way to the gym (again I had to pass him- it just wouldn't be right). I parked by Sculpture park thinking the walk through it would calm me. i got there with 12 min to spare. I had the oldest proctor in the world who was maniacal about having everything to the letter. she even questioned my time piece... want to know how efficient I am? mine was the silent timer that you pace yourself with but hitting the top like a chess timer, to tell it how many you did- how many you have left and that you have 1 min 21 sec per question (oh yeah, it was so ON) She made me leave my peanuts at the front and the room was hot. I had on a sports bra, t-shirt, longsleeve shirt, fleece in case, and light jacket to switch out. You just never know. Plus we got real desks! the last time, i was in a room that was in the basement, with those wooden prison-made desks that have enough room for 1/2 a notebook. (go ahead and measure I'll wait). I hate to say it as I might jinx myself, but i do feel good about this.

Don't read this.

But I told you not to, so of course you are. This week has been a strange week. Today has been a strange day. Right now I wish that I had not given access to my blog to some people I know. I have thus begun to restrict it. Bond wanted it, I said no. Partially because I would be embarrassed for him to read the drool that gets typed... and because I don't want him to think less of me. I think if you generally don't blog after a certain time, blogger should refuse to publish your post until a decenter hour. When you have read your own crap and recognized it as such. There are things that I do not like about myself. One of which is the happy puppy syndrome. The best part here is that my friends know I have it and make concessions for it. So every time I say "THAT IS NOT WHAT THIS IS!" and then it is that exactly. But what is Happy puppy syndrome? (rampant medicalization in full effect) It is when you meet someone and you have a couple of really great, interesting, thought provoking, clairvoyant interactions with them that you and they are under the impression that you've made a real connection. And you have of sorts.... and then one day you want to push them off of your roller coaster. because as great as they are... it's just not interesting anymore... and everything about them annoys you. and it's not them, it really is you. Like a child who cries for a toy, gets it, breaks it, and cries until it is given again. *sniff* I am going through people faster. or maybe just guys. i don't like it. and some of them are fantastic. but none of them are for me. and i can't say why (or i can but I'm not). And you get asked the question so freaking much... "why are YOU single" and it sounds bad to say "because I haven't met anyone I like for more than 60 seconds" even to me who says that I am not looking for forever and ever. Jenny bear called me insensitive because what other people consider "dates" i do not, unless i am "asked out". which looks juvenile. and then telling her about Bama she says "well yeah, we all knew he was going to pitch, we just thought he was going to do it a lot sooner" but his pitch was not enough. If he has better I haven't seen it, however, I did see what it was that made me say that I didn't see a relationship coming from this. Even with the Friday morning call of "I like you". I am not blogging Lemon out of consideration, not because he is not important, but because he is too important. and i believe i will go to hell if I hurt him. Follow up with I saw a guy from high school this week. He is a waiter. still. There is nothing wrong with that.We see each other every so often. I see him out, we talk for a min, sometimes get a glass of wine and catch up. He calls and asks if I want to keep him company at work, he'll buy me a sandwich. I like sandwiches. I get there, he asks me to wait 20 min and we'll get real food that the place he was at was good but he could do better. I had lamb for lunch. JB says hold on to your horses, he is about to pitch for a relationship. I bet her a bottle of wine. The parameters were 2-4 weeks (I gave her 4 for the sake of argument) and he either pitches or stops speaking to me completely. and no prompting from me. I owe her a bottle of wine, we are drinking tomorrow. It was not 2 hours after the bet that I got a text message (which is tragic by itself) of "I have a thing for you, I always have, always will" topped only by part 2 that said "If you run I will be sooooo mad at you" He asked me to dinner for Friday... I just never responded. because I am a jerk, and I am not interested in him, and I lack the wherewithal to tell him so. Dream killer grilled ribs for scotch because scotch has cancer. today he shows up w/Godiva and asked me to lunch. We talked for a min... he's still an a**hole. He is behaving because V-day is Wednesday and he is perfect on V-day... and not so much every other day. Not that he gets it wrong every day... but his bad is usually BIG and I'm so over it. But then i ran into one of his best friends whom i adore. He is what every girl wants. sweet, attractive, an engineer- smart, humble, etc etc... in a boyfriend. not your ex-boyfriend's friend. We shoot the sh*t, it's cool. He left me a couple of v-mails and wants to hang out. no. bad. no way that is going to be good. Bond laughed at me. 0-4. He says I am spoiled and he is partially to blame.I am spoiled, but not because of Bond. You guys get the happy hearts because I need the hearts. yay hearts.

what's missing?

pic came down because I am not comfortable leaving it there.

20...because I ain't no punk and I have the balls to do it sober :)

20. I lost my virginity at 17. That was also my 1st kiss. 19. I don't know if people beyond my friends read my blog and it doesn't really concern me. I did want the site meter because it seems a cool thing to have but I am a techno illiterate. 18. The thought of having sex with a porn star (or stripper... or escort) really repulses me. (ditto) I have trouble understanding guys (or girls) who think there would be anything 'hot' about this. (ditto part 2) 17. I have never slept w/ a TA or professor... but I did have a trainer that I wondered about. 16. If he'd actually offered... I might not have said no. 15. I can't imagine sleeping with someone younger than me. 14. The first time I went to an gynocologist I was 13 and told I had ovarian cysts. They are still there. Years later I was diagnosed with endimetriosis and had a laproscopy to see the extent of tissue left. The doc said I have a window of 3-5 years to have a child... and then I will have to REALLY try. 13. The way I found out was getting checked because sex was so painful. In retrospect I feel bad for that boyfriend because he saw me through so much including a chemical menopause... and I was terrible to him because I was angry over having my heart broken by someone else. 12. I would say that I am not superstitious but so much of Hinduism (I am a Hindu) encompasses so much mysticism that I don't know if I could say that in good faith. (get it?) 11. Water Buffallo and I caught Beeker and his girlfriend having sex in the car on 'Lover's lane' after prom. He turned on his brights and blew the horn, then we drove to Beekers house and pulled into his driveway (w/ Beeker following- he FREAKED). Then we took the spot only to get busted by Beeker who showed up with a bat. We weren't doing anything because I am prissy- so Buffallo jumps out and it was cool. Beeker came back again to bring us a bottle of Tequila. 10. About the SCG - I could never be that drunk...or that stupid to post anything on here. (me either :) 9. I would like to work my way up to casual sex. I may be there. But I know me... I get attached. I'm working on that. 8. I've never so much as kissed a woman that was not white. and I have never kissed a white woman :) No I lie, I actually have. That JD put that on his list is interesting to me. Especially with the Bama thing. Jenny-Bear called me insensitive. Different post entirely- or not at all. 7. This one is mushy. Even though I know NOW that the Water Buffallo is terrible in bed... at the time he was all I knew, and I loved him, and it was great. I could not have asked, dreamed or prayed for a more patient and gentle 1st love. 6. The only guy I regret sleeping with was Beeker (to hurt Water Buffallo). 5. Sometimes (because I have so much of it) sex is still painfull. It requires foresight and lots of advil. 4. If the guy I am "with" keeps hinting at the advil... he's not getting any. If he is understanding and sweet I will buy advil in bulk (from Costco even :) 3. I had a stalker for over 3 years. I still don't know who he was or what he wanted. If I ever know who he was, so help me I will sue the G-D daylights out of him. If he is unemployed and begging on the street and someone gives him a nickel, I will be right beside him with a judgement that says 2 of those cents are mine and I want my 2 cents. 2. There are lots of times that I have refused sex in a committed relationship. Sometimes I just don't wanna. 1. I am scared of *ahem* wangs (OH we are soooo in 2nd grade) that are too big. It just looks like it would hurt. Size matters and it is possible to be TOO big. and too small is bad too.

So there we are and most of you know this stuff already. K... Bond is taking my SHORT hair out to lunch today. As I am attached to it, I get to go as well.

Duck, duck, don't goose someone who is about to propose!

Today is friggin fantastic. My Gabe asked his girlfriend of some-span-of-time-that-I-listened -to to marry him this morning. He did it at Frank's which is a little country restaurant know for thier breakfast. They even serve Deer sausage (Bambi.) (Don't act like you weren't thinking it, that is exactly what you were thinking) (I dunno, I figured we had 2 sets of parenthesises (?) why not 3). He did it there because the local news was there, at 6. I don't know how he got her up and there without arrousing suspicion but he did. As he was telling me about this, I say I shall have to find a breakfast date to come watch. He says "Oh honey, no! press record on the VCR and go back to bed. If I could record it instead of going, I would!" How romantic. But I couldn't sleep early this morning. So I went to the gym and did weights with young'un. Stopped by Frank's on my way home. Apparently as he was getting down on one knee, an elderly woman was trying to pass by and put her hand on the small of his back... and got a bit of bum instead. nice. and the best part about this one? he did it so far before V-day so that his now fiancee will go all out for him. The wedding is in October in Cancun. I am invited but not going. I tell him this as he danced around and plans his forever and ever out loud. Oh and of course she said yes. Hugs and kisses honey bunny. congrats.

Bryan McKnight's "The Only One For Me"

This is the live version, and the only one I found on YouTube. I would have rathered to post just the song... but I don't know how :) I heard this in the car recently, and I had to pull over. It was like being punched in the stomach. Maybe you need some background. This was one of the last songs I danced to. Before my knees really started to tell me "B*tch please". It was a pas de deux for ballet (literally dance for 2) and was more artistic than technical because my knees had started with the "bbiiiiitttttccccchhhhhh" and my partner was sweet and understanding. Artistic in this sense means with more expression. It is harder to achieve because it is a chemistry that you can not fake. This piece reminds me of the fairy tale that ballet is, as my gentleman had some beautiful genuflexes to pull. He also had the capacity to look into your eyes and make every other woman in the room want to kill you. My water buffallo (1st boyfriend) saw this one. He loved it. Even into college we would slow dance to this song. In his dorm room even. It was how we made up after arguing and the way to say "I'm sorry" when the words were too hard. It is important now because it reminds me of something else. The faith we need to have in people, even people of the opposite sex. For women, to believe that the men in your life are trying, and in their own way, they love you. and it is beautiful and worthy and the world is not all sh*t. For men, it is the idea that women can be led like women. That we appreciate when you open doors, pull out chairs, and blush for the mini-compliments like being gifted with coffee. There is a cliched idea among mentally ill people and social deviants that there are defining moments in your life from which you could go one of 2 ways. One is better and the other worse. and each is something we could equally justify to ourselves. I was an escort and counselor for the Rape Crisis Center for 4 years. The last several were incredibly painful. When I got called in the middle of the night, it was ususally leaving Dream Killer asleep. I woke him to tell him I was leaving and he would wait up for me to come back. and he would hold me until I had to go to work or school. In the end, I had to stop when I could not bear for him or anyone to touch me. He was patient and tried to understand... but was vocal about the idea that I thought this was what women were to men... objects. That being empathetic was poisoning me and I wasn't leaving it at the hospital. He said the Battered Women's Shelter was the same way. He may have been right in some respects. You can only be hurt by so much for so long... before you have to see something different and better- or you do think that this is all of their is. And it is easy to consider it a byproduct of all men, and not just a few f*ckheads with control issues. But this song brings me back to a better place. I like all of us, have angels in our lives that create and keep that faith, so to speak. And even sans boyfriend I love Valentine's Day. It is the day of Happy hearts. Like on Westheimer in Houston (will post it closed to V-Day). Hugs and Kisses

If I had the balls I would post a picture of me with long hair.

Yesterday was weird. Tried to take a full LSAT. I got through 3 sections and the break. Started on #4 and apparently a band of children lost their freakin minds... and their mothers were still to shell shocked to contain the crazy that was each respective child. In short my concentration was GONE. So I thought "Yay! Lunch!" I'll finish the test later because the integrity of this one is shot to sh*t (I did try to test through it... no dice). As I get to the Jeep, as serendipity would have it, I get a call from Gabe. Gabe is his real name (sorry hon... but not really). He is my fantastical stylist who loves my hair. You should only go to a stylist who loves your hair. When I am sans boyfriend for Valentine's Day (as tends to happen) my hair gets flowers from my stylist. Back to the call. He says "Honey, do you know what Saturday is?" I say "LSAT" , he says "...and?!" I say "Hair cut". He says "...and who do you think is going to cut it?" I say "YOU?" apparently not. Which would be bad because this is the big haircut. Every year to year 1/2 I give my hair to Lock of Love. Look it up www.locksoflove.org I kept the length through Christmas so my family would not curse me out. Gabe says "No, no. That is also the day after I am getting engaged and will still be...."getting engaged" if you know what I mean" Ewwwwwwwwwwwww! I heart Gabe... I do not want to picture him "engaged". So long story even longer, I cut it yesterday. It is SHORT. Everyone is waiting to hear what mom says. She is always entertaining. 1st I did it, she calls right after, as she does and asks how it looks. I says SHORT. She says (no lie) "Honey, It's Ok, you are still beautiful.... but now it's more of an inner beauty" nice. You don't think she can do any better... and then 2nd time I get a call at work 2 days after she has seen it "Kiran (she does call me Kiran) are you gay?" I was drinking something and I almost choked. Especially as she was on speaker phone. I guess I don't need to tell you that it is a huge Indian thing that a woman's beauty is in her hair. So I guess sans hair makes me ugly. But this is an organization I fully believe in. It benefits children... with NO hair. as controversial as mine is short, it grows ridiculously fast. It will hit my shoulders (or close) in less than 6 months. and if I don't flat iron... it will be long in a year. But how funny that part of me does feel unattractive. People notice the hair. Women compliment it, men try to touch it. Now I feel like I have a big mushroom head. I don't know what to do with it, and I don't have a ponytail anymore... it's just pony. A little 20 year old at they gym (because that is the average age of my fan club) asked if I felt lighter and then if I did it because that was the only way I could lose weight. Wow and THIS guy is single?! But the best was pseudo-Daydream who had an arm full of "body bars". He dropped then and said "K-Baby! OMG! Beautiful, Come here, it is sooooo cute!" and scooped me up. and I have to admit, I felt kind of pretty. :)

Bama Part II

K... so fast forward to about June/July last year. Took the 1st LSAT and started my last semester. Bama pops up again, "what are you doing? what are you doing? what are you doing"... intro to "Do you maybe wanna do something w/me?" We hung out, it was cool... somewhere he was a bit squishy... and perfect (or at least perfect acting) until about my B-day.

There is a post on this from August. He stood me up. Fast forward a few months (I honestly don't remember how long) and he tells me about having a g/f and breaking up with her. Fast forward to December (approximately) and he begins to show up and show off. And then lots of talking to my voicemail.

This was not precursor to relationship. He popped up 2x and then went away. I remember thinking nothing was going to come of it, because there was something about him that "didn't make me want to put him in my pocket and take him with me". So the reason he is focus of so many current posts is because he is an interesting case study. After all, we are (or I am) students of human behavior and human nature. Plus he is harmless. There is no way this could hurt me. Right?

So he is late to circuit training last night and stretches with me, and laments he got blown off on Friday (He asked me to do something... I had "plans" which I did!). We talk for a sec. He explains his issue. I am blown away he had enough material to have issues with. But nonetheless here we go...

At some given point we (he and I) drank at a bar and ran into people from an English class I took a million years ago. Our final project was a presentation/report/creating a lecture centered around a book of our choosing. The parameters being a work of "fiction", and the author being female. I chose Jhumpa Lahiri's "Interpreter of Maladies". The piece was a short story about an Americanized Indian couple that still chose the arranged marriage and were figuring out it did not work for them and contemplated a divorce. Her writing was some of the 1st I could relate to, thus it was easy to explain.

I know you are thinking, wow- it must have been challenging and rewarding to explain so much of your culture and present it to a huge group of people who are ignorant of such things, furthering their understanding of other cultures. .... Or I have been asked to explain this so much, I pretty much have it down- I can do it in my sleep and that was my A.

But the class responded well to it, I got my A, and apparently they remembered it. Because that was the topic of conversation. and as Bama is Caucasian, they were sure it was not a "date". I don't remember he and I having a discussion about it afterwards. We went somewhere else after.

Fast forward a bit to Yeeeeahhh Mexican (July post) and apparently that night there was an Indian family having dinner there as well. We sort of notice they are staring. It is a tad uncomfortable. He plays it off well- but asked if I thought the family thought we were on a "date". I said probably not... Indian girls don't date. Even if you are dating someone, your family ignores it until there is a ring involved. He asked about meeting my parents and I think I said something to the effect of- probably not. The only thing I remember being different about that night was that when I said goodnight in the parking lot, he was extra clingy and didn't want to say goodnight- at least not there.

My memory is not perfect and these things are the gist of it. However it was done, he played it off well. Because here comes his issue... at the end of the day, he did not think that I would turn my back on my culture. He did not think I would take him seriously, and that I would consider marrying outside of my culture.

He considered himself pushed off of my roller coaster before I actually pushed him. Whoa.

But then Bat-girl weighs in... and says "so... he's been chasing you for a year, just not enough to break a sweat?"
David's Bunny's assessment "run. those issues are legit, but he didn't ask if they were YOUR issues or if you could get over it. It's not going to get any better from here."

and all of this raises some real issues. but I don't have it in me to spit it just now.

Blessings for finishing Part II.

David's Bunny is trying to kill me/ Bama Part I

She has talked me into trying her boot camp class at a different version of our gym after work. I don't see this going well. But I have not had time for weights and haven't done any extra-curricular running in a while... so maybe this will be a good thing.

In other news... It is brought into focus that I may not be (or have been or might not have been?) entirely fair to Bama. Bear in mind that 1. I would not have handled it any other way and 2. Just because he is pitching for "relationship" does not mean that I expect he will behave himself. and then...

To tell you about Bama, we go back to Madigan. She was my Best friend in 10th grade through about last year or this when I have officially let her go. It was painful because I remember all of the times that she was wonderful to and with me. But as you grow people change. and sometimes not in a good way. The end result was that she was and is convinced that I will get married before her (because I do so well with relationships) and she could not bear that. She has told me repeatedly that if I did, she simply wouldn't come. I thought she was joking at first. She is not.

She became obsessed with the idea of marriage and has several registries at different bridal shops in the city. She will tell any guy that wants to date her which ring he is expected to buy her. She hasn't finished school yet and I am not sure why. She has trashed me to every one of my "boyfriends" and any guy she has ever met that is trying to date me. Including Bama.

He was my New Year's Eve date last year. It was cool. I met Monito, we (Bama and I) did not speak for 3 months. Madigan had shown her bum in different situations and I was trying to minimize my contact with her. She was also in a gold-digging relationship and entertaining the Boogie Man (yes my Boogie Man) despite the fact that I never wanted to be in the same room with him again. I don't care that she entertained him, I just didn't want to see him- he is the only reason I've ever had to change my cell #.

Eventually she begged long enough that I did meet her and some friends out one night (I don't hold grudges- I should, but I don't) and Bama was there. She was trashed when I got there and left quickly. Bama and I talked and he asked about Madigan's and I's relationship and I tried to be honest and not-negative. He says "she is not your friend". She told him that if he followed up and tried to date me, I was going to stalk him. This from what I considered my best friend and who knew I was on year 3 with psycho stalker of my own. Nice.

But it was not something to be addressed with her. Again we have history. Again, almost every guy she had ever trashed me to had tried to warn me the same way. They tell me what she said (almost verbatim- that many could not all have the same lie) and considering how much I adored her, ask where the disconnect is? Either she is telling the truth and I am horrible, or she is lying and I have bad judgment. Overall, not a good reflection of me.

The best part is... is that everytime I tried to have the Big Girl conversation with Madigan, she had the best comeback... are you ready? "You've known him for 2.5 seconds, and you've known me for how long? How can you even bring this b.s. to me? I love you and how could you question that?" and I didn't. It was hard to stare into the face that took care of me when I was sick for about 6 months. Picked me up from school. went with me to dr. appts and hospitals, and learned to cook (albeit barely) to be able to make me lunch everyday knowing I would still throw it up (not on purpose- you a**es!)

So Part I ends with me still being stuck on Monito. Bama got played to the left because there was no way I was going to date someone who had such a bad image from jump. He knew I was training with Debbie and suggested I try circuit training, swore he would be there so it wouldn't be scary... Part II coming soon.

and God bless you for getting through all of that.

Be Happy.

This is the theme song for today. If you listen to this and you do not sing along, bounce along, at least tap your foot... you are a communist. (it's a great happy song... that's all I'm saying!)

I am torn between this and the Real McCoy version. I chose this one as it is the original. and I heard it at Outback (shut up, they support the inner city ballet- i have warm squishy hearts for outback) and it feels like sunshine.

For the record... I am not the slightest bit co-dependent. at all. not even a little bit.

was that convincing?

Bianca takes the last 2 parts of the LA Bar today. She only needs to pass 1. I am praying and pulling for her. On to Friday she got the call which offered her a judge in the 19th Judicial District. Awesome. More money, better hours, actual experience.

So she pops by to tell me... and I am thrilled. She will still be down the street (though it is not the same as being in my building). And because she had her test today... the "Freedom Lunch" has been deferred.

Jaws antys up her 2 cents in the form of "When I leave, I'm not going to tell you until right before... because I couldn't bear it if YOU gave me the FACE". 1) What face? 2) trust me, Jaws would not get a face.

The FACE is apparently the Puss-In-Boots look from Shrek 2. It is no secret, I adore Bianca. And I want her to have whatever she wants... hence I too tried to pull every contact and favor in the court system that I could think of. We all did. Then we all played the waiting game to see whose shot would pan out. She deserves it. Believe me when I say she has worked Fu*k a** hard for it. and I am proud of her.

and reason # eleventy billion (yeah 11ty billion) that she is my friend... as we talk about how much more $ this will be for her... she says "I would rather my Freedom Lunch be my treat of dinner for you at our favorite place. It's nice for lunch but the dinner menu is awesome and you have always been there for me. I want to do this for you."

and I am humbled that she loves me. We both recognize that Jaws does not have the capacity to look outside of herself and pick up another person. It is unfortunate, but in 3 years it is tried and tested and found to be true.

If it is Human to Err... to conitually forgive must be retarded...

because it does not feel divine. 1st thing 1st...JD you will be thrilled to know that your assessment of my team as the Aints has been picked up by my goofy circle of friends. I don't care that they didn't make it to the super bowl... most years we are happy when they have not been a complete and utter embarrassment. Being one game away is the closest they have ever come. Yay us. Not watching the Super bowl though. Even with the commercials... not really interested. Kick in the head from Friday (also explanation of the title)... Bama actually pitched for a relationship. Ok, I get that he was trying to show off... but where did he get the idea that I wanted to go on 1 date with him, vs. start a whole lots-o-dating of him? I was cordial and polite... but WTF? He follows up with "I know I didn't do a good job of following up and expressing that I liked you before... and don't say anything just now because I know I still have to earn the right in your eyes to ask you to properly be my g/f... but I will. and so you know, that is what I want." I went home to wash my hair, and David's Bunny, Tourettes, and I proceeded to drink... and analyze. This is funny stuff people, I mean super super great... except... Tourettes has met Lemon (New Year's Eve) and her vote was Lemon. She has met Bama, she tried to scratch his eyes out. D-B has only met Bama and she reserves judgement. He is after all Mr. Perfect. The issue here is that Lemon uses words he can't exactly back up...or won't. Or much like another post a long time ago... shuts down on me. I don't know if I've posted it here or only put it in a journal... If it was 16 Lemon would be enough for me to be devoted to him... and we would hop off into the sunset like happy little bunnies. add 10 years to that and I require a different set of china to set my table. You say, tell me and work it out? but I say, I am not the one to try to change anybody. He is far. closer than Monito was, but far enough to be inconvenient. Long distances take with them a lot of freedoms. You have to be more clear, and have the "feelings" discussion... because I don't have anything else to go on. I do like that he gives me the freedom to have issues... and doesn't press. or maybe does but only passive aggressively... and he didn't actually ask for the status of the "us" to change. Back to Bama... I don't see this happening... but then I never did. He stood me up for my birthday :) I forgave, but didn't forget. Plus the way that I know him was through Madigan... She told him I was going to stalk him... so it took him 3 months to ask for my phone #. I understand that means HE should have issues with ME. So I didn't give it. And he got it out of Madigan. He is also of the mindset that asking for a relationship now is precursor to sorting out whom he would marry. That he understands he is asking for an inter-racial relationship is supposed to be a compliment (?) ! The last girl he broke up with (circa late last year) was because he couldn't see himself marrying her. That he used the word "relationship" is enough to make me run. Plus beautiful manners do not excuse bad behavior. If anything, it makes it worse... you know better, you just didn't care.

Today, it is good to be single.

"The New Bottled Water"

I will explain the pic in a second... 1st to yesterday. By the time I went to bed I had either missed calls or messages from Mentor, Bunkles, Mommiey, David's Bunny, and Chicago. All with the same theme... "Whatcha doin?" "Where ya been?" "Calling to check on you"

It was nice. I feel loved. Especially since yesterday I felt like crap. More and more I am trying to listen to my body. I.e. rest when I need to rest, and not try to be super woman and do everything everyone asks for. So I skipped the gym and went home. Took a bath and watched a ballroom dancing competition.

This morning I was still dragging. I get coffee at Starbucks and curled up with the NY times. Somedays I cannot bear to start with the front page. Today, was rainy and cold, and one of those days. The pic is from the HeloYelo.com website. It is a business that offers a nap. In a booth. For about $12-$24 fro 20-40 minutes. I started to laugh at this, like "who would buy this?" and "do you get your $ back if you don't fall asleep?" And then I read the article and thought "oh yeah, I would try this" Hear me out people.

It's in Manhatten, and touted to be aimed at places where people are crawling all over each other like airports and larger cities. It is a safe pod like booth where you have relaxing music, aromantherapy, you can purchase reflexology packages, etc. etc. The article referred to it as the New bottled water. Because while sleep is technically free... sometimes you still can't get any. I don't think they actually guarentee you will fall asleep. But your chances are greatly improved. I say I would try this because I don't sleep well in other cities. I want my pillow. I hate hotel beds. I can't sleep on planes. When I travel I come home dead tired.

But think Manhatten (or other bigger city)... you are tired and grumpy and you don't want to go all the way home. If you had such a place sort of close to you, don't tell me you wouldn't think about it. I'm not saying (nor does the article) that sleep deprivation is a huge epidemic that sleeping aid commercials would have you believe... but I buy bottled water... and I might buy a nap if other alternatives were questionable. I'm just saying.