Disclaimer: this is one girl's opinion based upon her experiences, her own goofy opinion, and possibly a cosmo soaked conversation with girlies as clueless as she is... ALLEGEDLY!
The following is the entry I made in my journal this morning... it later led me to pushing Lemon off of my roller-coaster for real. oh and Dream Killer is momentarily forgiven. Onward.
...because from a girl's (arguably woman's) point of view... the nice guy who is madly in love with her is a bit like the 'perfect world matrix'. Think the matrix trilogy in which the machines point out that humans knew there was something wrong with a perfect world and apparently we needed all the pain, misfortune, and wretched f*cked-up-ed-ness (is that a word?) to believe our surroundings to be real. Well much like that, when something is fantastically great, we (I) figure something is wrong with it. And it is humbling to realize that it is us (me). We (again I... c'mon do I really need to keep translating for you?) are forced to take a good look at ourselves and hate to find ourselves severely lacking. We do not want to stay next to said perfect person because it makes us feel like poison, like we will hurt them and have to pay for it forever. Like I am.
Left with the knowledge that the rare, precious, devoted and seemingly unattainable love is possible... and then you see the sh*t given from lesser beings as just that. SH*T. But seeing perfection again is also not easy. You realize that you (I) still don't know what to do with it, and you are more careful to only put express the possibility for a future for something you 110% believe in. And it doesn't make you feel like any less of a sh*t to tell someone that they are not it. Which is what I've recently learned. and I get it. That is the favor.
As you can see, this weekend did not so much get better. But progress was made. I bought a pair of pants for work today. They fit, it is exciting. Skating on Friday night was interesting, I fell 3 times and only took people down with me 2 of those times. Much like his M.O. Dream killer skated for about 30 min and proceeded to limp for the next hour. He didn't make it to Chilli's, but all in all it was a super fun night.
Today we are talking and catching up... he was dating his rebound again, and dumped her again. He says the mark of someone you should be in a relationship with is whether or not you want to see them after a stupid argument. He did not want to see her. I still say he is not done with her yet. She will show her bum a few more times. It happens.
We talk about mine- this weekend, last weekend, except for me running into his friend, and he says "Princess, you have such a sense of entitlement that makes it hard to date you. You are wonderful, beautiful, and a dime to be sure... but the guy you are trying to date might be all of those things too. You might have to do a little bit of the work. Your expectations are a lot to live up to, and you are always looking for someone to mess up." I wanted to smack him. Mostly because I know he is right. and I am spoiled... and I started to tell him that the one right before him didn't mess up, and he did get everything right, which again, makes me think it is possible, but he has said before "He got it right because you let him". and it is frustrating to want to be a better person and work so hard at it, to find yourself in a position to still be deemed lacking.
He once called me high-maintenance and I shot back that it was because he was so lacking as a boyfriend that it was my way of making sure I did not end up with another just like him. and he apologized. and apologized for pulling the letter, and being a jerk, and everything I've ever been upset with him for. and I didn't feel so bad about last weekend, or this one. because that means I didn't get everything wrong. right?
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